by Gwen Olsen
My experience was all part of my learning and growth process. The challenges made me stronger and a more creative problem solver. The education gave me a vast array of knowledge about a variety of health subjects and therapies that help me manage the damage done to my brain by drugs. The multitude of opportunities I have had gave me the tools to succeed in my life’s mission. Even the silly beauty pageants I hated so much had a divine purpose. They taught me how to interview, stage presence and poise in front of an audience, and how to swim with the sharks (compete with cutthroat competitors). They also gave me confidence, as well as public speaking skills.
As for my foreign exchange experience in Brazil, that exposed me to a loving, supportive family environment at the age of sixteen. It was an experience that gave me a multitude of blessings, starting with a functional example to model my own family by. It also gave me the exposure to college that later motivated me to attend and better my opportunities through higher education. Finally, it gave me the security and self-confidence to literally embark on the journey of exploring the world. I have been to eleven other countries and nearly every state in the United States. (Incidentally, we also received a wonderful Brazilian student in our home from 1999 to 2000. This was another spin-off of this remarkable experience for me.)
The original intent of this book was not to write about my family or expose the skeletons in my closet. It was my plan to write an exposé about antidepressants and, of course, include my personal perspective and experience in the pharmaceutical industry. However, after Meg died and I was so acutely reminded of the continuing familial dysfunction that had scarred all of our lives, I began waking to an urgent dictation in my head. It was a storyline connecting all of my life events, just as God had done in our meeting in the wee morning hour many years ago. Although I felt resistant to inflicting more emotional pain on myself and the ones I love, I knew this was the book I was supposed to write. I had to write the story that was in my heart, the story that had led me down this path and to this realization. It was the truth that would honor Megan’s life and death, and it was the truth that would set me free.
So, this has been my personal account of an odyssey in education and self-discovery, my journey of faith and forgiveness. It is my life story—warts and all! Many of these events nearly broke my heart, but none of them has broken my spirit. I have asked God for forgiveness for my anger, weakness, and fear. But mostly, I have sought forgiveness for the love I have withheld from others because of my pain. After all, the only way love can possibly hurt you is if you don’t give it away. I have forgiven each and every one who has ever transgressed against me. It is my prayer that anyone I have hurt intentionally or unintentionally will do the same for me. It’s true that forgiveness is for the forgiver, not the forgiven.
I apologize to those loved ones who may not be pleased about having their dirty laundry aired in public. But your stories are an integral part of my story. They could not be omitted and still paint the picture of family dysfunction as it truly exists. There was no malicious intent behind any of these disclosures. You are the only family I have, and I love you all unconditionally.
If my story gives one family or even one person the courage to stand up and make personal choices to heal rather than medicate their psychological wounds, then it was worth it. If one desperate soul finds solace or inspiration in our shared experience, then it was worth it. If one child’s life or brain is spared destruction, then it was worth it! My hope is that other families may learn from our mistakes and this autopsy of the soul will serve to educate future healers. The truth is, as human beings, we are all doing the best we can with what we have to work with under our individual circumstances. At least, that is my truth!
What Can We Do To Change Things?
What is to be gleaned from all of this information? Hopefully, I have made my case for the need to accept personal responsibility for one’s health and mental wellness. It should also be obvious that our country needs to develop a real, unadulterated, evidence-based medicine approval and regulatory system. We must make our disgust about the financial conflicts of interest that threaten our families and their health known to our legislators and resolve only to support those politicians committed to affect change in our crippled, deadly, health care system.
To assist in that effort, I have established a Web site at www.gwenolsen.com that links to a site with the current names and addresses of every state’s representatives, as well as form letters you can print, sign, and forward to your local senator or congressman. This will make it easy and convenient to vocalize your concerns about these issues. As new information becomes available, I will update the Web site to reflect it. Please do your part, however large or small you deem appropriate. If nothing else, give someone this information after you read it. Inform one more soul, and I will be satisfied.
I pray this information has clearly illustrated that, when we attempt to reduce our moods or behaviors to simple brain chemistry, not only do we ignore the scientific evidence, we ignore the spiritual evidence that would suggest otherwise. We know so little about the origin and treatment of mental disorders, and history has taught us in hindsight that some theories and treatments in medicine can be dead wrong! (Just look at the hormone replacement debacle with women.)
At a minimum, it should be apparent that our current health care system is in desperate need of revamping and, particularly, our approaches to the treatment of mood disorders and other mental illness with toxic, harmful chemicals should be critically reevaluated, if not discouraged. Finally, the facts, rather than marketing fiction, about each of these treatments should be thoroughly disclosed to the patients and their caretakers. Not only is it a matter of informed consent, it is a matter of public safety. I seriously doubt, when given the full scope of the risk being taken, that many patients who are currently on antidepressants for minor physical ailments (such as, chronic pain, weight loss, and so forth) would continue to take them or many loving, concerned parents would opt to go this route for their troubled children or adolescents.
There Is Hope!
Everything in life is as it should be, and it has always been so. In A Course in Miracles, it says, “Nothing real can be threatened. Nothing unreal exists. Herein lies the peace of God” (Foundation for Inner Peace, Preface x). We may not always understand or agree with the direction of the course of events in life. However, when we accept that everything happens for a reason, we find ourselves more intuitively tuned in to which path to follow when we come to a fork in the road. If we take the path less traveled, we are often pleasantly surprised. If we force ourselves to overcome fear and resistance, it generally results in a huge payoff. Yes, sometimes, even financially!
Surrender is our greatest strength in this life experience. To just “let go and let God” can be very difficult at first. But when we use it as a powerful transformative tool and an affirmation of love and trust in the goodness of the universe and God’s special plan for each of us, we can make a conscious commitment every day to learn subsequent life lessons in mild and gentle ways through a daily invocation and surrender to God’s will. It becomes easier and easier with every miraculous outcome we experience.
When we allow our internal navigational system to be placed on autopilot, it flawlessly leads us from one circumstance to the next, one relationship to the next that is required for our continued growth and learning. We always have the free will to alter God’s plan, but when we do, the course is typically a little choppier than necessary. You know what they say, “If you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plan!”
When we assume personal responsibility for our actions and the outcome of events in our lives, rather than blaming others, we empower ourselves to change those things we find unsuitable to our needs. We then realize we are in charge of what we experience. As such, we achieve psychological healing. In victim consciousness, we remain encumbered by a feeling of powerlessness. We blame our consequences on circumstances or influences without, rather
than looking within to find the real cause and solution to our problems. Drugging our emotions into submission only further compounds our feelings of hopelessness. Why? Because if we never make a conscious decision to change, nothing around us ever changes!
Life is a gift.
Open it with exuberance!
Tear at its bright bows and colored paper
with enthusiasm and expectation.
Know that what lies inside
may not always be what you asked for,
but it is a gift none-the-less.
Therefore, be humbly grateful…
Be inspired to give back.
Every day is a new chance to celebrate
the wonder of life
and the mystery of love.
You cannot reinvent perfection
and in God’s eyes you are perfect
just the way you are.
Love yourself as you learn to love others.
Honor your spirit
and the individual qualities
that make you uniquely you.
And remember…
Every life you touch is a life you can serve.
By being the difference
you can change your world!
—Gwen Olsen (2005)
GLOSSARY
Adolescence: the stage in human growth from the onset of puberty to the attainment of full physical development
Adrenaline (epinephrine): a hormone that prepares the body for danger or stress Adverse Event: a pharmacologic term that refers to a negative reaction caused by a drug
Agitation: an extreme emotional disturbance in which someone is highly perturbed
Akathisia: a neurological state of inner restlessness that is extremely uncomfortable and involves involuntary motor hyperactivity, for example, pacing, fidgeting, foot tapping, and so forth
Anticholinergic: a drug that inhibits the action of a parasympathetic nerve Anti-inflammatory: a pharmacologic agent used to relieve inflammation and pain
Anxiolytic (benzodiazepine): a pharmacologic anti-anxiety agent that produces sedation by reducing central nervous system activity
Antidepressant: a pharmacologic agent used specifically to treat depression by increasing neurotransmitter levels in the brain and interfering with their reuptake Antidote: an agent that counteracts the effects of an ingested poison, either by inactivating it or by opposing its action following absorption Antagonist: a substance that reduces or blocks the action of another substance or of some physiological process
Antipsychotic (neuroleptic): a pharmacologic agent used to treat psychotic symptoms such as hallucinations and delusions
Autoerotic Asphyxiation: a form of sexual self-arousal and self-gratification from suffocation
Bipolar Disorder (Manic Depression): a mental disorder usually involving mania and/or hypomania and alternating periods of depression. There are three major types of bipolar illness: Bipolar I, Bipolar II, and Cyclothymia. Bipolar I: the classic syndrome of mood swings in which manic symptoms begin gradually and become increasingly worse. Psychotic symptoms may accompany the manic episodes. A mild, brief period of depression usually follows a manic episode. Some people experience symptoms of mania and depression simultaneously. This is referred to as a “mixed” episode. Mood irritability is a predominant component of the illness.
Bipolar II: expressed primarily as depression, which can last for several months at a time. Symptoms of mania that do occur may be brief and very mild. Blood-Brain Barrier: the protective lining shielding the brain from chemical substances
Borderline Personality Disorder: a pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood
Buccalfacial Tics: involuntary neuromuscular movements involving the tongue, cheek, mouth, and face
Central Nervous System (CNS): the body system that consists of the brain and spinal cord and communicates messages throughout the body to the brain and vice versa
Cortisol: an important stress hormone that prepares the body to respond to danger or stressful situations
Cyclothymia: a mood disorder that is characterized by milder mood swings that tend to be more brief in duration than Bipolar I symptoms Delusion: a false belief that is held in spite of invalidating evidence Depression: emotional dejection; morbid sadness accompanied by loss of interest in surroundings and a lack of energy; generally includes sleep disturbance Dopamine: a monoamine neurotransmitter that is essential to normal nerve activity. It is specifically associated with some forms of psychosis and movement disorders.
Dysphoria: an emotional state characterized by depression, restlessness, and malaise; usually accompanied by poor self-esteem. Encopresis: the unintentional passage of feces
Endocrine System: a bodily system consisting of several ductless glands that secrete hormones into the blood. It includes the thyroid gland, the adrenal glands, the sex glands, and the pituitary and pineal glands. This system communicates with the body’s organs and tissues and controls their functioning. Endogenous: means it is biologically based; anything found with the body Endorphins: a group of peptides normally found in the brain and other parts of the body; capable of producing effects similar to those of opiates Exogenous: means it is externally based; anything originating from the environment
Generic: term used when referring to the nonproprietary name of a drug
Genome: a complete set of chromosomes (with their genes) from one parent; the total genetic endowment
Gestational Diabetes: an insulin-resistant disorder that occurs during pregnancy Glucose: a form of sugar present in most plant and animal tissue that is the major energy source of the body
Grandiose (grandiosity): a term in psychiatry denoting feelings of great importance; having delusions of grandeur
Hallucination: the perception of objects or events that do not exist Homeostasis: a state of physiologic equilibrium in the body (for example, temperature, blood pressure, chemical content, and so forth)
Hypnotic (sedative): a pharmacologic agent used primarily to induce sleep. Hypnotics produce sedation by reducing central nervous system activity. Hypomania (hypomanic): a moderate form of manic activity, usually marked by slightly abnormal elation and overactivity
Kindling: a learned aberration of brain chemistry that begins with a stressor that triggers an episode. This kindling process increases vulnerability to further stress and can lead to further episodes.
Lability: means instability or the condition of being changeable Limbic System: an important group of brain structures comprising the cortex and related nuclei near the brain stem, which are thought to regulate emotion, behavior, memory, and certain aspects of movement, such as facial expression Lobotomy: the surgical severance of nerve fibers connecting the frontal lobes to the thalamus for the relief of some mental disorders
Mania (manic): an emotional disorder characterized by a state of excitement, hyperactivity, and profuse and rapidly changing ideas
Mood Disorder: a condition in which the primary feature of illness is mood disturbance; may also affect thinking and behavior
Narcissism: a psychiatric term that refers to the excessive admiration or love of self
Narcotic: a pharmacologic agent that is intended for the relief of pain that also tends to produce insensibility, stupor, and sleep. With prolonged use, it may become addictive.
Neuroleptic (antipsychotic): a pharmacologic agent used particularly in the treatment of psychosis and schizophrenia
Neurons: the cells that are the basic structural units of the nervous system. They transmit one-way electrochemical messages to and from the brain. Unlike most cells, they cannot divide and cannot be replaced.
Neurotransmitter: a chemical messenger that relays information between adjacent nerve cells in the body
Norepinephrine: a neurotransmitter related to epinephrine that is found in both the peripheral and central nervous systems. This is the neurotransmitter that arouses the fig
ht-or-flight response when the body experiences stress. Paranoia: a rare, slowly progressive mental disorder characterized by convincing and logical delusions of persecution and grandeur without any other signs of personality deterioration
Placebo: an inert substance containing no medication but prescribed as medicine, given especially to satisfy a patient. It is also used in controlled studies to determine the efficacy of drugs.
Prefrontal Cortex: the front one-third of the brain that affects attention span, impulse control, judgment, as well as organization and problem-solving skills Psychiatrist: an MD who specializes in psychiatry and primarily biopsychiatry, which involves treatment with drugs
Psychologist: a mental health professional that holds an advanced degree in psychology. These professionals cannot prescribe medication and generally provide patients with talk and/or other forms of psychotherapy.
Psychosis: a severe mental illness of organic and/or emotional origin, marked by loss of contact with reality and frequently by regressive behavior, delusions, or hallucinations
Rapid Cycling: a bipolar state in which manic or hypomanic and depressive symptoms alternate during a single day or from day to day
Receptor: a term in pharmacology that refers to a constituent in a cell that combines with a specific drug, resulting in a change of the cell’s function Reuptake: the reabsorption by a neuron of a neurotransmitter following the transmission of a nerve impulse across a synapse