by Erica Hobbs
I had thought I had people in my life who cared. Alyssa, Damien… things had looked up for a while. I had thought that I could connect with people outside my family. For a while, I had felt normal.
The joke was on me. I wasn’t normal. I didn’t have people who cared about me. I had nothing.
No one except Maurine and Rebecca – the only two people who had been there for me no matter what, no matter how many times I left them. Maybe it was time to go back to them, to spend some time with the people who knew who I really was and allowed me to be that person.
Maybe it was time to go home.
Chapter 33
Alyssa
When I walked back into the house, it was quiet and empty. My mom and dad were out – some work function that they’d mentioned earlier in the week. I thought that getting home to a quiet place was exactly what I needed, but now that there was no one around, I felt lost and scared.
I picked up the phone and dialed Tanya’s number. It went to voicemail. Grace’s phone was off. It was probably better that way. How was I going to explain to either of them that I’d spent my Friday night mourning my lost relationship with a stranger rather than my two best friends?
That, of course, had come right around and bitten me in the ass even before it was over. I had been severely punished. Pity I didn’t know what the hell it was that I’d done wrong.
I dialed Matt’s number.
“Yeah?” he said, and I was relieved he’d answered, at least.
“I was wondering if you wanted to hang out? I’m feeling a bit down. I could use the company.”
“Uh… I’m a little busy tonight, Ali,” he said. Only then did I notice the soft chatter in the background like he wasn’t alone like he wasn’t at home.
“Sure,” I said. “We’ll hang out some other time.”
“Sorry about that,” he said.
“Don’t be. Short notice.” I tried to swallow the lump in my throat down. I wanted to cry, and I wasn’t even sure why. Because my friends weren’t available? Probably not. It had more to do with Jake, Amanda and the hell that defined my life right now. I’d been so strong through it all. Though, now that one small thing went wrong, I struggled to keep it together.
“Just breathe,” I ordered myself out loud. “You’re going to be fine. We’ve done this before.”
I squeezed my eyes shut and counted to five. That was how much time I allowed myself to get organized. I walked to the pantry and looked around for something – anything – that would take my mind off things. Comfort eating was the name of the game. My eyes fell on a bottle of wine, and my stomach turned. No more alcohol. I still felt fragile and the idea of drinking now, after I’d been betrayed by my latest drinking buddy, just felt like a waste of time.
Instead, I opened the freezer and found a tub of Ben & Jerry’s. Thanks for thinking ahead, mom. I grabbed a spoon and walked to the television with my oversized therapy session. I switched on the TV and looked for something mindless and funny to watch, something that would take my mind off everything.
Ice cream and series were the best remedies I could think of right now since alcohol was a no-go and there was no one to share the night with. Who said being alone was a bad thing?
At one after midnight, my parents returned home. They both looked happy and tired. The smell of a function – wine and laughter – clung to them and they looked so good together. I felt a pang of jealousy at what they had. Why was it so hard? Had they gone through their respective heartbreaks before finding each other?
“Are you okay?” my mom asked right away.
“Why?”
She looked pointedly at the empty ice cream tub. Good point. It was also way past my usual bedtime. My dad looked from me to my mom and back.
“I’m going to get in the shower before hitting the sack,” he said to my mom. He was being nice, leaving us to talk.
“Do you want to talk about it?” my mom asked.
I shrugged again. “What’s there to say? Men are all the same.”
My mom sighed. “I’m so sorry, sweetheart.” She didn’t ask anything more. Instead, she hugged me. “You’ll find that special someone. These boys are all the wrong guys. Just hang in there.”
I nodded against her shoulder. When she let me go, she smiled at me, and I forced a smile back.
“Don’t be up too late,” my mom said, getting up to go to bed. “And I love you.”
“Love you too, mom,” I said. I got up, too. I got rid of the empty ice cream tub. I was going to have to run that off in the morning. I switched off all the lights and went to my room where I changed into pajamas and crawled into bed. Day two was finally over. At this rate, if I took them one by one, I would eventually get through it. I knew from experience it didn’t feel like it now, but it would get easier as time ticked by.
I just needed to wait for that to happen.
When I woke up, it was still early, despite going to bed so late. I frowned and turned on my side, reaching for my phone. I had two missed calls, the last one only a moment ago. I might have woken up from my phone vibrating.
I was still looking at the screen when it started ringing again. It was a number I didn’t know. I hesitated, wondering whether to answer it or not. Three missed calls seemed urgent, though.
I answered and held the phone against my ear.
“Alyssa.”
The voice was familiar. With it came a wave of pain I hadn’t felt in months and months.
“James?” I asked. It was impossible. “Why are you calling me?”
He took a deep breath. “I had to talk to you. You don’t understand how much I’ve missed you.”
The ache in my chest was physical. It felt like a knife between my ribs.
“This is really a bad time,” I said.
“I know it’s early, but I need to talk to you.”
I hadn’t meant the time. I’d meant it was a bad time for him to come back into my life.
“Please, James. I can’t do this. I don’t want to talk.”
“Just come outside, please?”
I stilled. “You’re here? Outside my house?”
“I am. Please, I won’t be long. I just want to talk.”
I gaped, my mouth opening and closing without finding the words. I hadn’t heard from James or seen him in over a year, and now he was standing outside my house, asking to talk to me? What the hell was going on?
“I can’t come outside,” I said. “It’s really early, and you’re mad thinking I want anything to do with you.”
“Please, I’ll ring the doorbell if you don’t, wake up your parents.”
God that was the last thing I needed. I already had so much going in my life I was trying to keep them away from. I didn’t need James reappearing in their life on top of it.
“Don’t,” I said. “I’ll be out in a minute.”
I got out of bed and found tracksuit pants in my closet. I pulled them over my pajama shorts. I slipped a hood over my head and pushed my feet into my flats. I tiptoed to the front door and unlocked it as quietly as possible. My dad was a light sleeper. I didn’t want him to wake up to talk to my ex. Everything about the scenario was wrong.
When I closed the door behind me, James appeared from behind shrubs as if he’d been hiding there like a criminal. I panicked when I saw him, my chest closing and I struggled to breathe. He looked the way he always had – his honey hair was perfectly styled, two-day old stubble on his chin making him look rugged rather than unkempt, and his shirt hung off him like he was doing it a favor. I knew why I’d been attracted to him.
“What are you doing hiding in the bushes outside my house?” I asked. I did not sound friendly. Good.
“I just wanted to talk to you. It’s been so long…”
“You could have called,” I said.
He shook his head. “You wouldn’t have answered.” It was true.
“Yeah, that’s what happens when you find out you are the other woman.”
Ja
mes sighed, looking over my shoulder like there would be a solution for my attitude there.
“I know I made a mistake, Liss.” He was the only person who called me that. “You know I’ve regretted what happened every day since you left. I miss you.”
I raised my eyebrows. “Is one woman not enough for you?” I asked. I crossed my arms over my chest. I was irritated and cold. It was only a short while after sunrise and the chill of the night still clung to the world.
“It’s not like that… what I feel for you is so much stronger than I’ve felt for anyone before. I broke up with her. For you. I didn’t do it when we were together, I know I should have, but they say you only know what you have when it’s gone, right?”
I snorted. “That’s pathetic, James.”
I watched him carefully. He still had the same mannerisms I knew so well, the same way of using his face and his eyes to manipulate me. He looked worried, a little tired, and his eyes bored into mine at just the right times so that I would feel sorry for him so that I would remember what we had.
And I remembered. Boy, did I remember. I was so head over heels for this man; he could do nothing wrong in my eyes. He was everything I thought I’d ever wanted in a man and when I was with him, I felt invincible. The way he was speaking to me now, proclaiming his undying love, brought back echoes of that emotion. I felt like I was on top of the world again.
It was what I had fallen in love with. The way he’d made me feel about myself had been almost more than the way I’d felt about him. Which was why I’d felt so strongly about him.
I remembered everything.
I also remembered finding out that I wasn’t the only woman in his life. That, in fact, I was the other woman. He’d had a girlfriend long before I came into the picture. I also remembered begging him to choose me over her like a lovesick idiot, willing to accept someone who would do that to me. I remembered how he’d rejected me because he felt more for me than for her.
I remembered walking away. I remembered struggling to get over him.
I remembered succeeding.
“Come on, Liss.”
I shook my head, irritated. “Don’t call me that. It’s Alyssa. I don’t belong to you anymore. You don’t get to call me pet names.”
“Please, let’s just spend some time together again. Let’s be friends, hang out. We had good times together. That doesn’t mean we can’t have them again.”
I sighed and looked over my shoulder at the front door. I wanted to go back to bed. I was cold and tired. Tired from the lack of sleep, and from all the emotions that had been bombarding me lately.
“I don’t think so, James,” I said. “Please, get off my lawn. This is private property.”
“I won’t give up so easily,” he said, but I ignored him and turned around.
“Go home, James,” I said and opened the door. I closed it behind me before he could say anything. I hoped he would just go away. I didn’t want him to stand outside my door, shouting things for me to hear and waking up my parents. He’d caused enough hell in my life.
I leaned against the front door and closed my eyes. I had been strong in front of him, but now, in private, I allowed myself to break down. Tears rolled over my cheeks.
The worst thing was that I wasn’t even crying about him. James was an asshole from my past, and that was what he’d been reduced to.
I was crying over Jake. Again. Seeing James just made me that much more hurt about what Jake had done to me. It had made me realize how much harder I’d fallen for Jake.
It made me realize how much I’d lost.
Chapter 34
Jake
I moved back home for a few days. I packed a bag and disappeared off the grid. I didn’t want anyone to know where I was; I didn’t want anyone to find me. Not the paparazzi, not the team, not Coach Clay, not anyone.
The last time I’d been this down was when my parents had died. Then, I’d thought my world had ended. In a big way, it had. Still, I hadn’t had nearly as much to lose as I did now. It felt like everything I’d worked for, everything I’d gained, was slipping through my fingers. And in the middle of it, all like a big black hole sucking it all in was Alyssa, the one who got away.
My football career was falling to pieces. I hadn’t messed up so badly that I could never play again – my reputation would save me. If I worked hard just for a couple of weeks, I could restore myself to my former glory. Even if Damien was an asshole. Even if I could never trust him again.
I always thought of Damien as the odd one out, the man everyone had to have on the team, but no one wanted there. He had issues – I didn’t know to which extent – but I’d forgiven him for those and stood up for him when he hadn’t been able to take care of himself. When I’d taken him under my wing and helped him through his trouble on the field I hadn’t expected him to fall on his knees, thank and worship me.
I also hadn’t expected him to be such a jerk about it, so full of himself and his one recent success. So uncaring about me when I’d looked out for him. Yes, it hurt, but that wasn’t the worst. Everyone else had managed to work together as a team even though collectively hated one of the players. I could do that too.
The problem with my football wasn’t my fight or Damien or my arriving there drunk. It wasn’t my ability as a player or my natural talent. It was my heart. It wasn’t in the game anymore. I’d turned to football when I’d lost my parents, and it had been a saving grace. It had been the only thing to pull me through, and it had given me a new life – one of fortune and fame.
And it was the fame that was killing me now. If football came with that kind of attention all the time, I didn’t want it anymore. I had lost Alyssa because of it. I wasn’t interested in any more attention.
The only people I had left were Aunt Maurine and Rebecca. They had been there for me from the start, after all. Even before I had football.
When I opened my eyes I looked up at the ceiling I’d seen every morning and every night for my young adult life. My posters were still against the walls, my desk still had a mess of books on it I’d never opened. The drapes were drawn, and the room was buried in a deep twilight.
“Hey,” Rebecca spoke from the beanbag in the corner, and I jumped.
“God, Rebecca. You scared me.” I pushed myself up onto my bed.
“It’s almost noon, you know,” she said.
I rubbed my eyes. “Watching me while I sleep? Stalker.”
She shrugged. “It’s cool having you right next door again.” She grinned at me. Every time I saw her, it was like she’d grown up more. One day there would be nothing left of the awkward teenager.
“You look terrible.” She picked at a nail.
“Thanks for that.”
She shrugged and got up. “So, you’re way too late for breakfast, but we can always go out and grab something.”
I smiled. “And I’m paying?”
She tipped her head to the side. “Well, you are a world famous star with tons of money. Even if you get confused between football and boxing.”
She smiled sweetly at me. I threw a pillow at her which she managed to sidestep. Her quip about my fighting on the field had stung. I pretended not to care.
“Let me get dressed, then we’ll go have uh... Lunch. Somewhere.”
Rebecca nodded and left my room. I got out of bed with a groan. My body hurt like I’d been training very hard. Maybe emotional pain could translate into physical stiffness, too. I pulled on jeans and a t-shirt and walked to the bathroom. My hair was a sleepy mess. I wet my hand and stuck it into my hair, rearranging the mess instead of straightening it out. It was easier. When I came out of the bathroom, Rebecca was waiting for me. She’d put a cropped jean jacket on over the black tank top she wore. Her jeans were ripped at the knees, and she wore sneakers. Her makeup was dark. Her hair a styled mess just like mine. The grunge look worked for her.
“You look… hip.”
She rolled her eyes. “You sound like Aunt Maureen.”
<
br /> I chuckled. When we stepped into the sunlight, I felt like the world caught up with me. I looked up at the sky. Where was Alysa now? I pushed the thought away. The only thing that would come of thinking about her so often was insanity.
“Where to?” I asked when we were in my car.
“I don’t know, you choose.”
“I choose a drive through restaurant for cheap, unhealthy take away and then a park somewhere. I don’t really want to sit somewhere people are going to take photos of me and my choices might be framed by the waitress who wrote them down.”