by Erica Hobbs
“What did you say?” he asked, his voice dangerously soft.
“You heard me,” I said. “There are about a million guys out there better for her than you.”
Jake looked like he was going to snap. I wanted him to. I was waiting for it – I could feel the crack of his knuckle on my cheek.
It didn’t come.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Coach Clay said right next to me. I hadn’t noticed him coming closer. “Are you trying to pick a fight?”
I looked at Coach.
“This is between us,” I said to him.
“The hell it is. You take your business out on each other in your own time. You’re on my clock now and if you can’t listen to me when I tell you what to do, how can I trust you in my games?”
I opened my mouth, unable to find the words, and closed it again without saying anything.
“That’s what I thought. Get the hell out of my sight.”
My mouth dropped open. “You’re sending me off?”
“Leave, now, or I will get the boys to remove you for me.”
The other guys stepped closer, and I was outnumbered. There was no way I was getting out of this one without being beaten up myself. If the guys got involved, it wouldn’t be pretty – none of them liked me. I glared at Jake. He was still visibly upset, but his hands had relaxed. He wasn’t going to lose his cool today.
“Fine,” I sneered like a child and walked away from the team. Fuck them. I didn’t need them. When I got to the locker room, my hands trembled so hard I couldn’t get control of them. Everything I’d worked for – career-wise and with Jake and the schemes I’d built against him – had failed. I didn’t know who I was or where I stood or what was going to become of me.
And Jake was out there, the star of the team. They all loved him, and they all hated me, and there was nothing I could do about it. Everything I’d done so far had just made it worse.
I punched a wall and cursed when pain burst into my knuckles and up my wrist. Blood flowered on my hand, and it ached like a bitch despite the adrenaline pumping through my system.
Broken? Probably. Just like the rest of me.
Chapter 42
Jake
I was sick and tired of other people messing up my life. Not just the fame and my career and the tabloids, but people like Amanda and Damien, too. And then there were the mistakes I’d made myself. Those were the worst of all. Knowing you were in a bad place and it was partially your fault was a very hard truth to come to terms with. There were a lot of things I could have done better.
One of them was not to fight James. That had been a terrible mistake – maybe it was what had pushed Alyssa to move on to someone else if what Damien had said was true at all. I didn’t think it was, though. Alyssa wasn’t the kind of person who just got involved with someone. She had been very cautious with me, and I was sure after what she thought I’d done to her she would be more cautious, still.
It hurt when Damien had thrown that at me, though. The thought of her eventually finding someone she felt she could be happy with killed me. The idea that it wasn’t me made me lose my mind. I wanted to be the person at her side, the one who protected her from what life threw at her. I never wanted to be the person who added to her troubles.
The worst was that it hadn’t even been real. I hadn’t really done something wrong. Okay, I didn’t push Amanda away. And doing nothing was more wrong than doing something, sometimes. But I didn’t do what Alyssa thought I did and I didn’t want her to think about me that way. I never wanted her to hate me.
Maybe she hadn’t hated me before. After the fight in front of her house, I was sure she hated me now.
I had to do something about the things I could change. I had dealt with Amanda in a way – I would deal with her until she went away, without making it seem like it was okay for her to stick around. I had dealt with Damien when he’d freaked out at me during training. Sure, he’d said things that really hurt, but I hadn’t lost it and beaten him up. It was the second time I wanted to and the second time I’d managed to keep control of myself. It was something to be proud of.
I couldn’t fix things with Alyssa – I wouldn’t force her into something she didn’t want – but I could go out of my way to fix it with her family. I owed her that much after how I’d behaved.
It took me two days to build up the courage to do it. It was one of the hardest things I’d ever had to do. I’d phoned her father and asked if I could see him in person. Without Alyssa. I was surprised he’d agreed at all.
When I drove to her house, I felt like I was going to throw up or faint. Or maybe both. My stomach turned repeatedly, and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I had to make this right, though. If only for the sake of being the bigger man. It was a little late, but I was doing it, and that was what counted.
When I stopped in front of the house, I allowed myself three seconds to fall apart. I breathed hard and fast, talking to myself, psyching myself up to do it. Then I pulled myself back together again and got out of the car. I walked to her front door and knocked.
Alyssa wasn’t home, of course. I hadn’t wanted her to be. And Mr. Ryan himself opened the door looking stern and scary as hell.
“Mr. Ryan,” I said. “Thank you for seeing me.”
He pursed his lips and nodded, stepping to the side. I walked into a house that was filled with the same feeling of love and acceptance that hung around Alyssa. Being there in her house felt comfortable. My stomach turned again, reminding me why I was there.
Mr. Ryan led me through to the living room and sat down.
“You don’t have to stay standing,” he said when he saw I didn’t know where to sit. I shuffled around, finally choosing an armchair. He looked at me without saying anything. The silence was a killer.
I swallowed hard. “I wanted to come here in person to apologize to you,” I said. My voice sounded thin and breathy, but I kept going. “The way I acted the other day was completely unacceptable, and I want to say I’m sorry.”
Mr. Ryan just looked at me, his eyes brooding. Alyssa had her father’s eyes, I realized. He didn’t say anything for so long I fought the urge to squirm, to shuffle around on the seat, to fidget. I tapped my foot.
“You’ve been quite consistent in your games until recently,” he finally said, and the change of topic caught me a little off-guard. “I think you’ll finish strong at the end of the season.”
“Uh…” I swallowed again. “Thank you.” I didn’t know what else to say.
“I’m saying this because I like to think I can judge a person by the kind of game they play. You’ve been solid, carrying the team for a long time. You always bring the energy they need. They don’t call you Powerhouse for nothing.”
I nodded. I knew all of this, though. The football talk – something I was familiar with – made me feel comfortable. I relaxed, stopped tapping my foot.
“I don’t know what you and my daughter had going on. Quite frankly I was surprised to see you of all people fighting on my grass.”
Had Alyssa kept everything from them?
“It takes a lot for my daughter to get involved with someone,” he continued. “And her taste isn’t bad. She trusts too easily, but she knows what she’s doing. You’ve got something going for you if you’re the person that ended up on my lawn.”
I blinked at Mr. Ryan. I had no idea where he was getting at.
“How do you feel about her?” he asked, and I froze. The comfort he’d been cultivating sucked out of the room, and I felt on the spot.
“This isn’t a trick question,” Mr. Ryan added. “I just want to know where your head’s at.”
I took a deep breath. How did I feel about Alyssa? God, where did I start? Finally, I looked at Mr. Ryan, at those eyes that reminded me so much of Alyssa’s quiet strength.
“Alyssa is like sea sand. She has a raw beauty I haven’t seen before. If you hold onto dry sea sand too tightly, it runs through your fingers. The tighter you hold onto it, th
e more you lose. If you just cup your hand, you’ll save all of it. That’s how I see her. There’s something about her that shouldn’t be caged or forced to fit with the norms. It’s what I like about her. She reminds me that the world can be different if you look at it differently. She reminds me that it’s okay to be the way you’re created, and not what society wants to make you. In a life like mine, that’s rare. That kind of insight has meant a lot to me. She’s a breath of fresh air when everyone and everything in my life have gone stale.”
I snapped my mouth shut. I had said way too much. I’d said things I hadn’t been able to put into words before. Mr. Ryan sat in his seat, leaning back, relaxed, his eyes dancing over the furniture in the room.
“I appreciate you coming here to see me,” he finally said, getting up. I got up, too. Was this over? It felt so incomplete. I felt vulnerable after what I’d said. “It takes a big man to admit to his mistakes. Thank you.”
He held out his hand, and we shook. He opened the door for me.
“Good luck for Saturday’s game,” he said. “I know we’ll see the old Jake Nash on the field again.”
I nodded, forced a smile and thanked him. I walked back to my car feeling oddly ripped apart. I had done what I’d gone there to do. Why did I still feel so empty?
Instead of driving home, I drove to Maureen’s house. I’d only just left their place with my bags of clothes to stay at home again, but their door was always open for me and if I ever needed someone, now was the time. Maurine opened the door with her hands covered in flour.
“I’m making pancakes,” she said. “I’m sure you’re hungry.”
And suddenly I was starving. I followed her into the house and sat down at the table in the kitchen, watching her work. The rest of the house was quiet – Rebecca must have been out.
“I talked to Alyssa’s dad today,” I finally said. “To apologize.”
“How did it go?” she asked, stopping to look at me.
I shrugged. “I think it’s okay, now, but I don’t feel the way I thought I would feel.”
Maurine nodded and carried on preparing the batter. “Big things take longer to heal, even when you take that first step. The most important thing is you did the right thing. You had the courage to go there and do your part. I’m proud of you.”
Hearing her say that made me feel warm. She had become my new mom and to know that I hadn’t disappointed her meant the world to me.
“Thank you,” I said.
“For what?”
“Everything.” Maurine had given up her life so Rebecca and I could have ours. I realized what that meant more and more every day.
“This is what you do when you love someone,” she said.
I nodded, because for the first time, I knew what she meant.
Chapter 43
Alyssa
A knock on my door pulled me away from my books. I’d dug up my textbooks from college. I was about to start a new job, and I was suddenly terrified I wouldn’t be good enough.
“Can I come in?” my dad asked, popping his head into my room.
“Yeah, sure,” I said. “I was just… reading.”
He walked into the room and stood almost against the edge of the bed, pushing his hands into his pockets. His eyes slid over the textbooks, and he smiled.
“You’re going to be fine,” he said. He knew what I was doing. “You’re better than you think. Trust yourself.”
I sighed and closed the book I’d been paging through. I moved some of the books at the foot of the bed to make space for him to sit down. The mattress dipped under his weight, and I shifted a little.
“Thanks, dad,” I said.
“You know, that counts for other areas of your life, too.”
I snorted. “Sure.”
He chuckled. “You know exactly what I’m talking about, don’t you?”
I nodded. He was referring to my doubt in my own worth and my ability to spot good men in a crowd of assholes.
“I don’t know if you saw the two Neanderthals rolling around on the grass the other day?” I smiled at him. He smiled, too, and nodded.
“Yeah. I also noticed that one of them was Jake Nash. As in the Jake Nash. You want to tell me what that was about?”
I’d known it would come around and bite me at some point. I was surprised my parents had been quiet for so long.
“Oh, God. I don’t even know anymore, dad. I thought I knew what was going on. At first, I thought I was doing everything right. Now… I just don’t know anymore.”
My dad nodded, keeping quiet. The silence encouraged me to carry on.
“When I met him, he was so rude to me. But he made a point of seeing me more, and it turned out he was so different. He was everything I thought a guy should be. The person he is in the tabloids is someone else entirely to who he is when he’s alone.”
“I don’t read that stuff,” my dad said. “I see him on the field, and he’s a hell of a leader.”
I nodded, studying my nails.
“Well, the tabloids told me he was cheating on me, too,” I said. “And I believed it because it looked so real. But now, I don’t know what’s real anymore. I never let him explain his side, but I’m scared. I don’t know if I’m just making the same mistake again. I can’t do another James.”
My dad looked toward the window. “I know, honey,” he said. “I don’t think he’s like that, though.”
I shrugged. What would my dad know? Football was great, but his performance on the field didn’t mean anything if he couldn’t back it up in real life.
“I feel like I should have spoken to him, but it’s too late, now. It’s been a while. And a lot has happened, since. Not just because of the fight, but on my side, too.”
My dad watched me. I expected him to ask for more details. He didn’t. Instead, he shrugged.
“He came to see me.”
I blinked at my dad. “He did what?”
“He came to see me,” my dad said again. “He came to apologize for getting into a fight with James.”
I nodded slowly, trying to wrap my mind around what he was saying. Jake was here? Talking to my dad? What did I miss?
“It takes a big man to do that,” my dad continued. “And I really think he cares for you.”
I sawed my mouth open and shut, gaping at my dad. Nothing that came out of his mouth made sense.
“It wasn’t a very long conversation.” My dad kept talking. Maybe he understood I didn’t know what to say. “He apologized, and I asked him a couple of football related things – you know how it goes.” I didn’t know at all. “And then he left. But I think there’s more to him than it looks.”
“I don’t understand,” I said. Everything that had happened since I’d seen Amanda in that photo with Jake had painted him in one light. Even the fight had been on par. This? This was different. This was nothing like anything I’d seen of him lately. The person who had apparently come to speak to my dad was the Jake I thought I’d gotten to know. It just made me feel more confused. I had convinced myself for so long that he was an asshole and nothing more. He wasn’t, though. I’d never thought so.
“I don’t know what to do,” I said again. “I feel like I should go and speak to him. I didn’t want things to go wrong. I like him. A lot. But I don’t know who I can trust anymore, I question myself the most. And I feel like if I do go back and it turns out he’s that guy – the one that will do that to me again – I won’t be able to put myself back together. Not again.”
I took a deep breath and looked at my dad. I wished he would give me the answers. I wished he would tell me ‘go for it, talk to him’ or ‘write him off.' Anything that would feel like a solution or an answer. I was scared of this limbo. I didn’t like hanging in the middle and all the while I missed Jake, and I was hurting because I didn’t have him anymore and I didn’t know why.
“What do I do?” I asked again.
My dad thought about it for a moment.
“You follow y
our heart,” he finally said.
I shook my head. “That’s such a movie line.”
My dad grinned at me. “That’s all I’ve got, kiddo. But I know you’ll do the right thing. I raised a warrior. When the time is right, you’ll know what to do. I want you to know that no matter what you decide, your mother and I will always support you. We trust you. We believe in you. You should, too.”
He smiled and got up. I watched him stretch and then leave without expecting me to say anything in return. Just as well, I didn’t have anything to say to that. How would I know what to do? How was I going to trust myself when I didn’t know what the hell I was doing anymore? I felt like I didn’t know who to ask. My parents told me to trust my gut. My friends hated Jake for what he’d done and would tell me to forget about him forever. Amanda was a no-go, James was the biggest mistake. Matt… he was the only one left.