by Erica Hobbs
“It wasn’t like that—“
“Please, let me finish,” she said, stopping me from interrupting her. “I was at Amanda’s house when you phoned her. Naturally, it came across that you were involved with her. When I confronted her, though, I started to wonder what this was all about. Something about the way she reacted made me feel like it was all wrong.”
I sighed. I had never dreamed Amanda would be this much of a problem when I’d run into her outside Lemon that first night I’d gotten Alyssa’s number. If I’d known, I would have told her then never to show her face in my life again. I wanted Alyssa to know who Amanda was, how terrible she could be. I didn’t want to say it now, though. I didn’t want to influence somehow what she’d come here to tell me.
“My dad said you came to talk to him,” Alyssa said.
I nodded. “I had to make right what I’d done wrong.”
She rolled her lips. “It means a lot you did that.”
“You’re welcome,” I said. I would do anything to make it right in Alyssa’s eyes.
“What happened that day?” she asked. “I never let you tell me.”
Her voice was soft, and her eyes were big. I wasn’t sure if she wanted to cry – she looked like she could break but there were no tears, not even a hint.
“She came to see me. I don’t know how much she’s told you about how she fits into my life?”
Alyssa shook her head. Good. Amanda hadn’t completely corrupted her view of me and fed her with wrong information.
“We had something years ago, but she was not the kind of person I wanted to commit to. She’s been popping in and out of my life ever since. I didn’t tell her off, even though I should have. I didn’t have a strong reason before I met you, and after I had met you, I wasn’t in the habit.”
Alyssa just nodded, her face an expressionless mask. I had no idea what she was thinking.
“Anyway, she wanted to see me. She’s the only other woman who knows where I live. It was because of her that I decided not to disclose my address to people.”
“Jake,” Alyssa interrupted. “You’re avoiding my question.”
I took a deep breath and looked at my own hands. She was right.
“What happened?” I asked, confirming the question to myself. “She stepped up to me to try and kiss me. I turned my face, but she caught me close enough to my mouth that it looked real on camera. I didn’t know they were out there. I guess I should have known. It all happened so fast. I threw her out, but the damage was done.”
Alyssa frowned.
“You’re saying she did it all?”
I shook my head. Alyssa’s eyes widened slightly.
“I didn’t get rid of her the way I should have. The fact that it happened at all was my fault because I wasn’t firm enough with her. Her being in my life this long is my fault.”
“But you didn’t cheat on me?” she asked.
I shook my head, slowly. “How could I betray the perfect woman? You know how I feel about you. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted. I’d be a fool to mess this up.”
She blinked at me as if she didn’t know what I was saying. Or as if she didn’t know what to make of it.
“Look, Alyssa,” I said. “I love you. I’ve loved you pretty much since the first time I saw you. I know it sounds dumb, but what I feel for you… I’ve never felt like this about anyone.”
There it was. I’d poured my heart out in front of her. She needed to know, now. If she walked away from me today, not knowing how I felt about her, then I would have failed as a man.
“What?” she said softly.
“I said I love you,” I said again. I hadn’t been this straight forward with her before. I’d been scared to show that side of me. But now that I’d lost her, I wanted to be sure she knew. Alyssa sat in front of me, but I still didn’t know if she wanted to make this work. I didn’t know exactly why she was here.
“It’s really difficult for me to trust,” she finally said. “James… he really broke me. I know that trust has to start with me, that I can’t think everyone is like James, but when I saw that photo, I snapped.”
I nodded. I understood it. “For the record,” I said. “I don’t like him.”
Alyssa chuckled and the sound of it, the look on her face, cracked the cold tension that hung in the room. “I didn’t notice,” she said dryly.
“I am sorry for how I acted, though,” I said. “When I realized it was the guy who had hurt you I lost all control.”
“I know,” she said. “I got that.”
She was so damn far away from me. I wanted to go over to her and sit next to her. I wanted to wrap my arms around her. I wanted to bridge the gap that had been created with all the misunderstandings and hold onto her forever.
I didn’t know if it was what she wanted, though. I didn’t want to go there for her just to reject me because she didn’t feel comfortable with it. I forced myself to stay put on my own couch. I could still stare at her. Staring would be enough for now.
“I have news,” she said. “I got a job.”
The sudden topic change jarred me. I had just told her I loved her and this was how she responded?
“That’s great,” I said. “Where?”
“Globepoint. As a designer.”
I started nodding, then frowned. “You got a job with Globepoint?” The words were sinking in.
“Yeah, they offered me a job.”
I raised my eyebrows. “Wow. That’s a really good job. I’ve heard of them, and that’s saying something.”
She shrugged, her lips curling up into a small smile. She was pleased with herself.
“When I came out of the interview the first person I wanted to tell was you,” she said. We were back on topic, thank God. “That made me realize that maybe I’d been too harsh without hearing your side. I miss you.”
My heart skipped a beat when she said that. She’d missed me? God, I could blubber for hours how much I’d missed her, too. Instead, I kept composure.
“I miss you, too.”
“I was wrong. I mean, I couldn’t have known about what really happened, but I was wrong not to let you explain yourself to me, at least. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be,” I said, shaking my head. “I understand it.”
She sighed.
“What do you want to do, now?” I asked.
She looked at me, her whole face a question. “With what?”
I swallowed hard and forced out the scariest words of all. “With us. Do you want to try again?”
“This isn’t easy for me,” she said. My heart sank into my shoes. She’d come here to give me a chance to talk, but there was nothing more. “Which is why I think we need to figure out how we’re going to get around this tabloid thing. I can’t do an Amanda round two.”
I blinked at her.
“Is that a yes?”
She nodded slowly at me, her eyes dark and wide, her lips slightly parted.
“It is,” she said. “I really do want to be with you. I just want everyone to know so this doesn’t happen again.”
“What?”
“Are you okay with going public with this? If everyone knows about me, there’s less space for misunderstanding.”
I cleared my throat. “There’s a lot more space for problems, too. A public relationship is a hard one.”
She nodded. “I get that. But I’d rather have you, even if it’s difficult than lose you over misunderstandings again.”
I thought about it. I could do this. If it was what Alyssa wanted I could do this a million times over. It wouldn’t be easy for her to stand in the limelight – it had taken me quite a while to get used to the fame – but she was right. It was a way for her to be by my side and minimize the chances of someone like Amanda causing problems. A public commitment was a big one, though. Declaring in front of the whole world who your love was wasn’t a small step.
Was I ready for a step that big? Was I ready to be with a woman that permanently? I
t wasn’t marriage by a long shot, but anything that went wrong between us would be national news. A breakup from her would be harder.
I wanted her, though. I wanted to be with her, and if I had to choose between her and my privacy, I would choose her over anything. I had already lost her once to know how painful that was. I never wanted to go through that again if I could help it, and if this was something she was willing to do, then I was willing to do it, too.
The distance between us was driving me insane. I couldn’t stand it anymore. I got up and walked around the coffee table that stood between us like a physical barrier. Alyssa watched me come closer. I held out my hand, and she hesitated only a second before taking it. I sat down on my haunches in front of her and kissed her knuckles.
“Will you be my girlfriend, again?” I asked. I wanted this to be as official as it could be at this point.
She smiled and nodded. Out of nowhere, tears spilled over her cheeks, but she was still smiling. I leaned into her, pulling her closer to me, and kissed her. It felt like coming home after I’d been wandering for years. The ache in my chest finally evaporated, and I could breathe again.
This was all I needed. Alyssa was all I needed.
Chapter 46
Alyssa
When I’d gone to Jake’s place, I’d been terrified. I didn’t struggle to admit I was wrong – I could apologize easily enough. That wasn’t the point, though. I felt like if this failed I would lose something important, something I couldn’t live without. I hated feeling like that. I hated the idea that I would be incomplete without something in my life that hadn’t even been there very long ago.
He had been everything he’d been from the start, though. Jake was kind and understanding and careful with me as if he knew how fragile I was. I had a mean poker face – no one knew what I felt– but even so, he took care with me. I wouldn’t have known how to talk to him if he’d grabbed me and tried to use physical touch to persuade me. I wouldn’t have been able to take a stand and make my demands if he’d been demanding, first.
Instead of taking the lead, the way he had so many times, he’d kept quiet for long enough to let me have my say. Even when he asked me if I wanted to try again, he did it in a way that made me feel like I could say no and it wouldn’t be the end of the world. He wouldn’t resent me for it. It would hurt, but he would understand.
Everything – the way he was, the way he seemed to know me, the way he understood what I needed at a very deep level – made me want to be with him. I didn’t know how I’d gotten through the last while without him. I wasn’t sure how I’d convinced myself he was a terrible person, how I could think he was anything like James.
Jake was everything I needed and more. When he kissed me it was like everything inside me finally came to rest again like it finally settled. Jake was the part of me I’d been searching for while we’d been apart, even if I hadn’t known it then.
My parents had told me to follow my heart. I didn’t know what that meant then. The idea had scared me to death. How did I choose between my head and my heart when they sounded the same?
I understood it now. They didn’t sound the same. When you knew, you knew, and I knew it was Jake I belonged with.
He wrapped his arms around me, kissing me like he’d been thirsty for years and this was his first drink of water. I felt like he was absorbing me. The warmth that came with it was intense. I’d never felt this important, this special, this vital to someone. I kissed him back, pushing my fingers into his dark hair. He sighed into my mouth, finally coming up for air.
“You have no idea how much I’ve missed you,” he mumbled against my mouth.
“I think I do,” I said. I knew exactly because I felt like that, too. I put my arms around his neck and let him kiss me. I let go of everything, and it was just the two of us in a bubble that just wouldn’t burst again. His tongue was in my mouth, tasting every inch of me. I let him explore. I wanted every part of him to touch every part of me until I didn’t know where I ended and he began.
Jake moved onto the couch without breaking the kiss. It was quite a feat. He pulled me on top of him and our bodies pressed against each other fully. I felt his erection pressing against my hip bone. He wanted me, too. His hands roamed down my back, slowly rubbing up and down. His hips moved slowly, gyrating against mine. Our kissing turned from sensual to urgent. The heat at my core changed from a welcoming flattery to urgent lust, and I wanted Jake to take me further. I wanted him to take me to the edge and balance me there until I fell.
He would take care of me. He would catch me.
His hands grazed the side of my breast. I leaned to the side to let him in, and he cupped me, rubbing his thumb over my nipple. It was a direct line to my sex and the muscles at my core clenched. Jake had always known exactly what to do with me to get a response. I gasped, breathing harder.
“You’re beautiful,” he said in between kisses. Beautiful. Not hot or sexy or even pretty. Beautiful. It was so much deeper.
“Come shower with me,” Jake said in a breathy voice.
I broke the kiss. “What?”
“Come shower with me,” he said again, more clearly this time. “I want it to be just us. I want none of… this.” He waved his hand all around us, and I had the idea he wasn’t talking about our physical surroundings, but rather about everything that had happened between us and around us. I nodded. I understood.
I leaned up to let him out from underneath me. Jake took my hand and pulled me up with him. He didn’t let go of my hand. His fingers interlinked with mine and he led me through his house to his bathroom.
It was the size of my bedroom. There was a big round tub in the corner with water jets on the sides. The other corner was occupied by what I could only describe as a walk-through shower. A large square hung from the ceiling where the water rained down from like a waterfall when Jake opened the hot water. The shower wall was glass, the shower itself stretching across the width of the bathroom and you could enter it from either side.
Jake pulled off his shirt and his pants. He wore his jocks, still, and left them on. He walked to me. He kissed me again, pressing his lips hard against mine. He licked and nibbled my lips, so gently I felt as if I was delicate because of the way he was treating me. He pulled the scarf I wore off and found the hem of my blouse with his fingers. He pulled it over my head even though it buttoned down the front. I lifted my arms for him. The material was stretchy enough to accommodate this.
Jake kissed my forehead, my cheek bone, my jaw. He worked his way down my neck, over my collarbone. He pulled me closer to him, his arms snaking around my waist. His body was pressed against mine, his skin smooth and supple. Searing. His fingers fiddled with the clasp of my bra, and a moment later he slipped it over my shoulders and dropped it on the floor. My skin was pressed against his, my naked breasts against his bare chest. I shuddered the sensation of being this close almost like the first time between us, but so much more intense at the same time.
Jake tipped my head up with his thumb and forefinger on my chin and kissed me again. I was the one who unbuttoned my jeans and pulled them down. I stood in my panties, just like Jake stood in his underwear. I felt his lust, long and hard in his jocks.
Jake’s hands roamed down my body. He pulled down my panties, breaking the kiss to kneel and remove them from my feet which I lifted up for him one by one. He pulled down his own jocks and his sex sprung free, hard and eager. I wrapped my fingers around him and kissed him, moving my hand up and down, mimicking sex.
I wasn’t able to do it for very long before Jake stepped away from me, slipping out of my grasp.
“Come,” he said and stepped into the shower, walking to the spray. The water ran in rivulets over his body, tracing his rippling muscles. I joined him, pulling the elastic out of my hair. The water ran through my hair, wet my skin. Jake pulled me under the spray with him. He kissed me, harder, his hands moving down to my breasts. He massaged them, the water making my skin a little more slippery.
Jake moved me backward until my back hit the wall. I expected the tiles to be cold, but they were warm from the spray that ran down the way.
Jake pushed his body against mine, pinning me against the wall. I gasped. His hand trailed down my body, over my hip and down to my thigh. He hiked up my leg and pressed his sex against me. The length of him pressed against me. He moved up and down, rubbing himself against me. It wasn’t sex, but God, it was good. I moaned softly, my eyes closed.
When I opened them, Jake was looking at me, his eyes like emeralds in his face. He smiled.