by Pamela Ann
She snapped her fingers at me before waving both of her hands in the air. “Oy, earthling, have we landed, or are we still floating in mid-air?” She arched her brow at me, waiting.
I blinked at her a few times before shaking my head, clueless. “Hmmm? Earth floating what?” Was she asking me about the dress or some astrological question? I couldn’t be sure.
Nessa rolled her eyes before checking herself out in the mirror and whistling at herself. “Slay, bitch, slay!”
Count on Nessa to be her own cheerleader. I couldn’t help laughing at her silliness. There was something about her that made me feel happy just being around her. Her confidence and positivity were infectious. I loved it. Now, if I could channel some of that zeal into my turbulent relationship with Cruz that shamed the word “complicated.”
After Nessa paid for the dress that she would no doubt wear tonight, we strolled towards the nearest café for some much needed cappuccino. It was late in the afternoon on a Saturday, and instead of looking forward to a night out with my school friends, my mind was drawn towards one particular person.
It had been two days, and I was riddled with guilt for acting like a horrid bitch. For one, I had gone and accused him without even waiting for him to confirm it. However, he was reluctant to provide me with the answers I needed, so my bitchiness meter skyrocketed to a new level. I was in the wrong, or maybe he was for being such a prick about everything. Nevertheless, it didn’t justify my outlandish attitude. And for that very reason, my guilt ate at me, so much so that I couldn’t even look him in the eye yesterday.
This whole confusing relationship with him, the ins and outs of sexual partnership, was just too much. It was overloading my naïve brain. If this happened with a guy from school, it wouldn’t be so hard to decipher. However, since this involved a man who was six years older than me and who was used to running the world with a snap of his fingers, there was a delicate yet complicated sophistication I wasn’t accustomed to.
“All right, I’ve had enough. I’ve been rather patient, but now you’ve got to tell me who’s behind the frown that’s semi-permanently pasted on your face.” Nessa gave me a sharpened look, much more intuitive than I had given her credit for.
Was I that obvious? I had hoped my complications with Cruz would remain a secret, but now that Nessa was curious, maybe it wouldn’t be such a problem to disclose some of the things that had been hounding my mind all night and day.
Releasing a heavy sigh, I began to divulge my situation in a way that only gave enough to cover the angst and the confusion I had to deal with on a daily basis.
By the time I finished, Nessa had barely touched her coffee, so engrossed with my story. After a while, I patiently stared at her, waiting for her constructive criticism or anything to help me figure this out. I felt like I was too deep in the odd relationship for me to see reality.
She let out a whistle before sending me one of those smiles, one that indicated I was literally fucked in all aspects.
“So, you’re telling me that you cannot—it’s just impossible—to resist or decline this man’s advances even though you sort of hate yourself for giving in?”
“Well, not exactly hate myself … maybe just a little,” I began, hoping to convey my concerns and frustrations without looking vapid or whorish. “It’s just … It’s more like I don’t like the fact that he has so much power over me … and we’re not even dating, you know. Top that with the recent broken engagement he had, and well, it’s just too much of an overload for me.”
“Serena …” Nessa gently reached out for my hand before giving it a small squeeze and sending me a pleading look. “You’re in love with him. You know that, don’t you?” She held up her palm, as if to stop me from arguing her observation. “I know you’re going to say it’s impossible since it’s early, but think about it … How long has this tug of war between you two gone on? Over two months? It’s disconcerting—that’s understandable—but it is what it is. Love doesn’t know time. It doesn’t have a switch you can turn on or off whenever it suits you. It simply is.”
“But love?” I gasped in shock, in horror. Oh. My. God! “I couldn’t be …” I breathed out, about to faint. “No!” I choked out.
“The more you insist it isn’t, the more it’ll prove you wrong. I think it’s wiser to simply let it be. You don’t have to embrace the fact if you don’t want to, but at least acknowledge it. That’s the least you can do for some peace of mind.”
“Shit!” I was fucked, and I wasn’t sure if I could recover from this. My head shook in disbelief, in utter denial as I ran through my feelings. Sure enough, all the signs were there, but falling in love with him had never occurred to me. Why was that? It could possibly be because I was too focused on loathing him and too distracted by overwhelming lust each time my eyes saw him.
My chest tightened as my heart galloped, recalling the last time I had encountered him.
I was in love with Cruz Elliot, and it was going to be a fucking disaster of crazy magnitude.
Nessa and I stayed for another hour. The time was spent with her consoling me and trying to help me see it in a different outlook by pointing out the positives instead of the negatives, like how I had been doing. Hearing her opinion made me realize it probably wasn’t as bad as I had pictured it.
She advised that I slowly wrap my head around the idea, and if I wasn’t ready to commit and be with Cruz, then maybe it was best to cut off being intimate with him since it was unfair to Cruz and to myself.
Coming home that evening, the prospect of going out, priming myself to get ready and party, got dimmer as the seconds ticked away. My thoughts were consumed by the conversation I’d had with Nessa and what I intended to do about it now that I realized what I felt for Cruz.
Already decided, I began to text Nessa to inform her that I was going to stay in for the night. I knew she would understand where I was coming from and how troubled I was after we had parted less than an hour ago.
I had every intention of staying in bed and munching on junk food while I watched some cheesy movie in bed. After watching a comedy, however, I felt even more depressed than I had before. The despair in me was real, and it wasn’t going away soon. Therefore, I thought of other things to distract me.
I came up with either pulling my hair out or dipping into a warm bath. I chose the latter since it was less painful and, hopefully, would relax me. I was too wired to properly function.
The long bath lasted over an hour, after which I was less anxious than I had been beforehand. After getting out, I found myself staring in the mirror fully naked and simply taking a good look at myself.
Even though I was watching myself, my eyes saw Cruz, imagining him right behind me just like two days ago in his office bathroom. My body instantly reacted, the zing in my blood electrifying me, making me come alive after a depressing hiatus in life.
Cruz…
“Fuck,” I whispered as I shut my eyes, imagining him … remembering him. Right then, more than ever, I realized how much I missed him, how much I truly felt for him.
Taking a towel out of the freshly bunched towel basket, I emerged from the bathroom and strode into the bedroom in search of my phone. I didn’t want to think what I was doing, so I simply followed my gut, which was screaming his name.
The second I found it, I dialed his number. After a few rings without him picking up, just when I was about to hang up, he spoke my name.
“Serena,” he said in a way that sent tingles all over my body.
I’m in love with you, I thought as I savored the way my name sounded on his lips.
Getting my bearings together, I decided to take the plunge and let fate guide me to see where that would take me. “You’re probably busy, but is there any way we can talk?”
As there was a pause, I held my breath.
“When?” he finally asked, sounding distracted.
“Like, right now?” I had to get some of this out of my system, or I would go insane. Besid
es, I needed to see him, most especially after the revelation Nessa had brought out that afternoon.
He released a breath before saying, “I need to be somewhere in an hour.”
“Oh.” Damn and back. What now? Well, he did say in an hour, right? That was enough time to speak to him. “Well, I’ll be quick. I promise I won’t take up much of your time.”
“Do you want me to come and give you a lift?” he immediately asked, making me break into a smile.
No matter how much we fought, Cruz would never forget his manners. It was endearing, and I couldn’t help feeling a little light-headed knowing my love for him had blossomed without me knowing.
“No, I want to walk. Thank you, though. I’m leaving right now.”
“As you wish, but be safe.”
After hanging up, I immediately sprinted to change into a simple cotton, black shirt and matching leggings then almost ran out of the door and out of the house. I had been to his house that one time, but I hadn’t forgotten the way. It was embedded in my mind.
I walked with the fresh air clearing some of the cobwebs in my head. It took approximately fifteen minutes to get to his house, and I was taken by surprise when he was waiting for me. He stood outside his door while leaning against it, looking like the epitome of a god, dressed to make any person with eyes drool with his bowtie loosely hung around his neck.
I was so struck by the sight of him that I literally had to slow down, and all the while, my eyes were glued to him and nowhere else.
The second I reached him, I made a wan smile, seeming shy all of a sudden. “Thanks for waiting,” I said breathlessly.
“You wanted to talk?” he asked, not moving from his post. Instead, he seemed content to watch me just like a king would his subject, patient as he heard them out before making a judgment or decision.
I was all nerves, yet I needed to go through this, or I would never be able to live with myself. As a result, I began by licking my lips.
“I just want to apologize for the way I acted the other day. I know I’m in no position to question you or what you do with other people …” God, this is eating me alive, I thought as I remembered that fucking redhead and that stupid smile.
Instead of choosing to attack him with words like I had before, I decided to cool it down. My apologies wouldn’t be valid if there was no remorse to back it up.
“I don’t know where you stand with me after that, but I was hoping … Well, I’m here to ask … if possible … that you don’t engage with other women, because … because I can’t stand being this jealous—”
“Why were you jealous, Serena?” he calmly rasped out, his eyes glowing as he watched me try to answer him.
For a whole lot of reasons...
“I like you … and seeing that woman …” The stab in my heart felt so overwhelming I was almost in tears. “I don’t know how you could just go back and forth like that. I—seeing that really hit me hard.”
Unblinking, he let out a deep breath. “Come here,” he softly urged.
It took about a minute until I found my footing and took the necessary steps to get to where he was standing. It didn’t take a second for me to be in his arms as he kissed me in such a way that melted me into a puddle of gushiness.
“I don’t want anyone.” He lovingly probed into my soul. “I only ever want you.”
My heart skipped a beat, overjoyed that I had taken the initiative to be here instead of denying myself a chance at something that could be great. Hopefully, once the guilt subsided, we could finally get to where we need to be.
In the end, he decided not go to whatever event he had needed to get to. The very man himself ushered me into his home, and we didn’t get past the foyer before he had me naked and my willing body wrapped against him, clinging on for dear life as he took me against the wall roughly.
We remained in that naked state of bliss for the entire weekend. I had never realized a person could be so happy they could sing from the rooftops. If I had thought I was in love with him before, after that weekend, I was fully his: body, heart, and soul.
It might be naïve of me to proclaim such declarations at an early stage, but I couldn’t help how I felt.
And just as Nessa had said …
It simply is.
Chapter 87
T
he idyllic time lasted merely a month before reality kicked me in the gut in the most fucked up fashion. I knew it was eventually going to happen, but I didn’t expect it to be this way.
It was when Ivy, his ex-fiancée, decided to seek me out when things began to really become strained. I was about to leave the house on my way to school when I received a text message from her, asking if I could meet up sometime around lunchtime to talk.
Shocked that she somehow had managed to acquire my phone number, I was frightened by the thought of what she meant by “talk.” Of course, it would have been rude of me to decline her offer. Besides, my curiosity got the better of me. There was no way I would avoid going.
For the rest of the morning, instead of listening to the lectures, I was playing out scenarios in my head. If Cruz had told her … Well, I was fucked either way. I could have easily asked him if he had, but I didn’t want to know if they were still in communication. Those evasive things didn’t need to be pried out of him. Besides, I didn’t want to tell him anything in case he hadn’t spoken to her. Maybe this was all just a twisted coincidence.
Once lunch hit, I had an hour to see her before my classes started again. I was grateful she chose a restaurant half a block away so it wouldn’t be any trouble for me to meet up with her.
When I got to the Italian restaurant, she was already there, waiting with an open bottle of white wine chilling in the bucket as she casually sipped from her glass.
Approaching her table, I made a strained smile as I took the seat opposing her. “Ivy, hello.”
“Thank you for meeting me.” She beamed at me, obviously grateful I had even agreed to meet up, even though we barely knew each other.
Before we could get down to a conversation, a waiter appeared to take our orders. Once he left, I prepared myself for whatever Ivy wanted to meet me about.
“So, you wanted to talk to me about what exactly?” I asked carefully.
“What else?” Her face immediately became sad. “I was hoping you could speak to him for me?”
What? No fucking way. I was beyond flabbergasted.
“Could you do that for me?” she pleaded. “It’s rather a lot to ask, but I’m left with no choice. He and I have broken up before, but it wasn’t like this. There’s some kind of finality this time. Though, I’m holding out hope he will find his way back.”
They had broken up before? How come no one had mentioned that? So what was Cruz doing with me? An itch that needed to be scratched before he dumped me to go back to Ivy? What the fuck?
“I don’t know if he’d even listen to me,” I said with obvious uncertainty. In fact, I was almost sure Cruz would not even tolerate me uttering her name and the word reconciliation in the same sentence.
“I’d appreciate it all the same either way.” She let out a melancholy sigh before taking another sip of wine. “I know our relationship isn’t all that romantic like some of my friends have, but we work—at least, our families believe so. I just hope he’ll come to his senses before it’s too late.”
If it weren’t romantic, then what other kind of relationship was there?
I sat there, confused as I tried to picture the cold side of Cruz, the one he didn’t shy away from showing me before he and I had finally given in to each other. How could she even imagine being married to someone cold, someone who would drive you up the walls because he wasn’t willing to discuss anything? I just couldn’t see it. If that was the kind of relationship they’d had, I couldn’t blame him for cutting himself loose. This was all my opinion, though. I had yet to hear what Cruz had to say about it, because I would definitely ask him when I saw him tonight.
Yes, he
and I had arranged that I would be staying with him and that he would take me to school the next day. He was being protective, and I couldn’t just say no to him. After this lunch with Ivy, I wondered how things would play out tonight.
I didn’t make any promises about speaking to Cruz, though I reassured her that I would bring the subject up to him. What happened after—well, that was seriously up to him.
Going back to class was a waste of time since my stomach was all sorts of upset from worry. I had fears and knew the only way to soothe my mind was to speak to him.
When I got to the office, I was relieved he was in a meeting and wouldn’t be available until past five in the afternoon, which was close to clock-out time.
One of the main worries I had was how to broach the subject to begin with. After all, things were going so well, and I knew this would cause some ripples between us. Here’s to the hope we turn out fine, I thought with my fingers crossed.
“Feel like escorting each other to the lift?” Denise stopped by my desk with her purse and phone in hand, ready to sprint out of there.
I bit my lip before shaking my head. “I’m afraid I have something important to discuss with Mr. Elliot.”
Denise grinned at me before rolling her eyes. “I’m sure it’s quite important. There’s no need to fret, my dearest love. I like you better for him than that other twit. It warms me to see him blissful. This is the happiest he’s been for all I’ve known him since working here. He’s a good man with a huge heart. He may seem difficult at first, but trust me … He’s the kind who’s worth the wait.”
My jaw dropped to the floor. “How …?” My mouth still hung ajar, rendered speechless.
“I’m the boss’s eyes and ears around here. I know everything,” she said before winking at me then leaving for the afternoon.
Five minutes later, I was still at my desk, stuck in the chair, reeling from what Denise had told me. I mean, how long had she known? I wasn’t sure if I was going to laugh or hide from all of this embarrassment.