by Pamela Ann
He finally came around right about midnight, bringing a surprise present for me.
What he had brought with him nailed my future.
I was half sitting on the mattress when Callum decided to turn the switch on his bedside lamp. He looked disheveled and distraught. I was about to ask him if he’d had dinner when he mentioned her.
“Zara needed a place to stay. My father’s house wasn’t an option and getting a hotel room would be too lonely. I hope that’s okay with you?” He was looking at me dead-on, so I decided to look away, composing myself.
I didn’t want him to see the hurt and jealousy that was immediately etched all over my face. It wasn’t okay, but I didn’t have it in me to say it out loud and cause more burden when his father had died only this morning. “Whatever you think is best.”
“She’s in one of the guest rooms, in case you were wondering.” He raked a hand over his hair, sighing. “I’m going to shower.”
I nodded, watching him go into his closet before striding towards the bathroom naked.
Zara was in one of the bedrooms, probably plotting how to get Callum into her bed. Going back to sleep was now out of the question. I knew there was still unfinished business between the two. What I hated most was that I felt like I was the wedge in between them, breaking them apart; even more so now that his father was dead. If I weren’t here, Zara would probably be on this very same spot, sharing the bed with Callum.
He was already going through so much; I didn’t need him worrying about what to do with me. I suppose the best thing to do was to be the first one to slowly walk away, so that he didn’t have to do anything. I didn’t need for him to feel sorry for me. No, that would be the last thing I wanted.
Truth be told, this entanglement with Callum was for practical reasons. I did get what I wanted to begin with, didn’t I? Falling for him was just an unforeseen mishap on my part. So maybe now it was time for me to start dating again and hopefully find the guy for me, someone to love me the way Callum loved his Zara.
I pretended sleep when he joined me ten minutes later. I waited until I heard his breathing evened until rolling to my other side, wanting to stare at him for a bit, like saying my farewell, but I was surprised when I found him staring at the ceiling, clearly deep in thought and very much troubled.
“Are you okay?” I reached out to touch his arm, gently stroking it. I fought the urge to curl up next to his heat and smell him for the last time. It wouldn’t be wise to do that because I might end up crying and confess that I was in love with him. He did warn me not to fall for him, but I hadn’t taken him seriously. The joke was on me.
Callum’s voice broke through my reverie, sounding hollowed and bitter. “It’s funny how I never pictured him dying. What do I do with all this anger and hatred I harbored through the years?”
I wished I had the power to erase all of the pain his heart was going through, but it wasn’t my place to do so. Instead, I had to respond rationally. “You let it go. It’s not healthy to have all this hate in you. It’ll only end up poisoning you. I don’t want you to end up like him. You’re way better than that. The man is dead, Cal.”
“Lucky bastard,” he muttered. “Just when I was about to pull everything out from under him, he fucking dies.”
I placed my hand over his chest for the last time. “Let all the hate go. Maybe then… you’ll have enough space to let love in again.”
Callum didn’t respond. Instead, he let out an agonizing sigh.
Drawing my hand away from him, I curled it against my chest while continuing to face him. “What’s going to happen to Zara?”
Callum sighed again.
I was a masochist because I kept pestering for more information. “Are you going back to her?”
He remained silent.
When he sighed for the third time, he followed it with his answer. “I honestly don’t know how to answer that.”
Shit. I simply had to know. “You’re still in love with her, aren’t you?” Yep, I was a major masochist.
Callum brought his arm across his eyes, covering them. “Maybe… I don’t know anymore,” he murmured, pausing for a few seconds. “Zara…” he said her name without hate, for the first time. “Zara was my life. When I lost her, I didn’t think I’d survive. Three years later, I’m in this confusing position. I’m not sure if I’m willing to take the risk again.”
Yeah, I’d bet my entire life that he was in love with her still. As much as it pained me to hear him talk about her, I needed to be the bigger person. This was my brother’s best friend after all, the one who’d taken me under his wing when I didn’t have anyone else.
“I suppose this is the time to fix everything,” I carried on. “She’s waiting for you.”
“I’m hesitant—” he paused. “She broke my heart, Stella. I loved her so much. Gave her everything of me… Zara could hurt me again and I don’t know how I’d cope if I had to go through a second round of heartbreak.” Callum was exposing himself to me. I felt his reluctance towards Zara, but it was obvious that he had thought about it a lot.
How long had he thought about going back to her? I had to wonder. Did he imagine it was Zara each time he took me? If I based it to that time he fell asleep on top of me and whispered her name, then yes, maybe he did, often.
Putting my heartbreak on the side, I dwelled on Callum’s dilemma. I could cry later, but right now, the man I loved needed my help. So I was going to pretend that I didn’t care about him. “If she really loves you, then she’s worth all the heartache and pain.” How painful was this? I was pushing him to get back with Zara. Even if my heart was irrevocably broken, I wanted him happy. He had gone through so much devastation and I believed it was his turn to be with his love again.
“Thank you for being here, Stella,” he said, not knowing that he was crushing my heart into shards. “You’re a great listener and a good friend.”
Ouch.
Fuck. The friend part did me in.
“Goodnight, Callum.” I had nothing left to say, so I rolled back to the other side, facing away from him.
“Goodnight.”
Silently, I kept to myself. Counting down the time until it was time to leave.
At the crack of dawn, I double checked to see if Callum was asleep. He seemed like he was, though his position remained the same. I granted myself a minute to study his face because I knew I might never have another opportunity to do so again.
With a heavy heart, I scrambled out of bed and dashed out of the house without brushing my teeth or putting any make-up on. I simply slid out of bed, changed clothes, gathered my work things and left the house to go to my own flat.
It feels weird to be back in my own place, I thought as I opened the door.
“Fuck!” I screeched when I saw a full frontal of Mark. “Jesus! Bloody fuck!”
Mark had the audacity to laugh at me when it should’ve been the other way around.
“For fuck’s sake, Mark, put some clothes on!” I covered my eyes as I scrammed towards my bedroom.
Luciana and Mark were obviously shagging now. As happy as I was that they had finally gotten that out of the way, I couldn’t help smiling and shivering at the memory of Mark’s naked body. That was beyond awkward.
I had to make a mental reminder to sit those two down and make pointers about proper flatmate etiquette when it came to nakedness and sex. I loved them both, but if they kept me awake at all hours because of their hard and noisy romping, I’d find my own place.
Much to my relief, I didn’t see Mark or Luciana when I came out to leave for work. Although, at about eleven, I finally heard a knock on my office door. I didn’t need to look up to guess that it was Luciana with some sort of explanation. This I couldn’t wait to hear, obviously.
“Morning, love.” Luciana was dressed in an all white pantsuit, which emphasized every curve. The mischievous spark in her eyes was something new, however. I was sure Mark Cotswold was the one who had lit it up.
“You’re chirpy.”
She grinned before rolling her eyes at me. “Okay, we’re shagging. Tons. Hell, Stella! He’s amazing!” she let on, giddy at the thought of Mark. Luciana was a lot of things, but giddy wasn’t part of her Italian, sophisticated DNA.
I hid a smile, trying to act all serious. “I’m worried. Does Mark have a golden cock? From what I’ve seen this morning, it looked pretty normal.”
Callum’s on the other hand, there was nothing golden about it. It was mean… like a bull, like an angered beast or…
Okay, I had to stop. There was no point in getting all hot and bothered thinking about him when I might never get to kiss or feel his body again. Seriously, I had to snap out of my funk.
Luciana only sighed. “That and more. We haven’t really spoken about what will happen. We’re just having fun, but we promised to talk about it soon…” She paused as she read the text message that had just gone through on her phone. “Mother just got in town. I have to meet her for lunch.” She waved me goodbye. “I’ll catch up with you soon,” she said before closing the door on me.
Her mother was here for her event, The Pisano Event. She wanted to make sure everything was how she had pictured it. It was weeks away, but she was beyond meticulous. I was simply glad that Luciana got to deal with her full-time. I mean, I adored her mother, but in my current turmoil, I could only handle easy to difficult to please clients, not the almost impossible ones.
When I felt a headache starting to sprout, I leaned against my chair and closed my eyes, massaging my temples. I’m falling apart, aren’t I? I thought sadly.
A beeping sound erupted, interrupting the silence, indicating a text message. With a groan, I reached for it on the table.
Callum: Burial is for tomorrow at eleven in the morning.
He surely wasn’t wasting any time getting rid of his father. I was starting to type my reply when I paused mid-way, contemplating if I should even bother with a reply. After a few seconds, I decided not to. I was sure mine would get lost amidst the rest of the people sending him condolences.
For lunch and the rest of the afternoon, I stayed in my office, enjoying a sandwich and a bottle of orange juice as my lunch. When nighttime came, I decided to stay in my flat. Since Luciana was staying with her mother tonight, I simply couldn’t resist the temptation of being alone again. Besides, going back to Callum’s house with Zara in there as they tried to console each other would be too nauseating and too painful for me to witness.
It was a cowardly thing to do—hiding away—but at this point, I had to start picking up my life again.
That night, I woke up several times, checking my phone most of the time. It was sickening, but I kept hoping that he might’ve messaged me, wondering where I was. Alas, I never got a missed call or a message.
That was a big indicator that he was done with me.
It was time to let him go.
After the burial tomorrow, I was putting Callum and my life with him behind me and starting anew.
Chapter 114
Stella
When the burial took place quietly without a hitch, I wasn’t in their line of sight, but I watched from a distance, which was just enough to see Callum and Zara.
It was an intimate ceremony with about fifty people. As I scanned the unfamiliar faces, I noted that Callum’s mother and grandmother were not present. I didn’t know anyone here, and for that I was relieved.
Zara clung on to him while I watched as he murmured into her ear.
There was no question in my mind that something was going on between the two. It was the way he touched her. Yes, he was touching her now.
I was glad that our “fake” engagement was never confirmed. This would’ve been embarrassing for the both of us.
I didn’t know how I would get through it all without breaking a tear because the entire somber theme that surrounded me definitely matched how I was inside. Dead. Bleak.
Anyhow, I pedaled through the ordeal with great hardship, but I got through it; thank goodness.
The burial was followed by a reception in a nearby hotel, I was contemplating if I should even bother, but when I saw that Callum was checking his phone before he joined Zara in the tinted chauffeured car, I decided to approach him and say my goodbyes. There was no point in prolonging the inevitable was there?
At first, he didn’t see me approach. It was only when I cleared my throat a few feet away, loud enough for him to hear that someone was waiting for him, that he spun around and saw me standing there. He cut the call with Brian, his PA.
“Hey, are you coming to the reception?” Callum inquired, not bothering to come over and kiss my cheek or any sort of greeting at all. Wasn’t it only a few days ago that I shared his bed? Yeah, he got the award for the biggest tool of the year.
I didn’t need for them to flaunt their rekindled relationship right in front of me. Besides, if I saw Zara giving me triumphant looks, I might just rip her a new one. So for everyone’s sake, it was best to leave from here.
“No, I have to get back.” I fidgeted with my hands a bit. It didn’t escape my notice that we were acting all weird and rather awkward. Sigh. “Well, I‘ve got to get going. Take care.” I pressed my lips together and gave him a bland smile.
“Wait, Stella—”
I frowned. “Yeah?”
He was looking away, then his gaze landed on his shoe, then my shoe and then whatever was behind me. “Could we talk later? I have to go back to Zara now, but I’m hoping we could talk soon?”
My heart ached. I love you… but you will never know, I sadly thought as I looked at him.
Callum couldn’t even manage to look me in the eye. Talk? Sure, I was so certain he really wanted to talk.
His frown deepened. “Stella, I’m sorry, but this is really difficult for me. Zara needs me right now and I…”
…want to be with her, too, I finished the sentence in my head. I meant nothing to him.
We were nothing.
With a small nod, I understood him fully. “Of course. See you around, Callum Kensington.” I started walking away, not looking back at him.
Since work was the last thing on my mind, I walked around London. I ended up right outside of Foxtons. A nice chatty bloke my age started inquiring if I was looking to let or buy a flat and somehow—I vaguely remembered all the events—I ended up buying myself a three-bedroom flat in Hyde Park Gardens.
The more I thought about the place, the more I felt better. The flat was spacious and airy with white walls, large windows and wood flooring. The view of the park was gorgeous, but not only that, the flat had that homey feel I connected with the moment I entered its door. I suppose, it was what I needed. I needed to make a home—a home of my own—away from my real home, St. Lucia.
Since I was buying it cash, I was hoping the closing deal wouldn’t take as long as twelve weeks. As much as I loved living with my best friend, I thought it was time to have my own place. We were advancing into that age that needed more stability in all aspects of our lives, be it in our personal or career wise.
It was a day of new things. I was exhausted, but there was still one more task I had to finish before I could go home and call it a day.
Last stop, Chelsea, Callum’s home. I needed to get some of my things, important things like my mum’s jewelry and other things that held value to me. The rest of my wardrobe I planned to have shipped back to me.
I was relieved to find his house empty. There was a big part of me thinking that Zara had moved in and had all of my things thrown out, but I was surprised that my items remained as they were, untouched.
Gathering my important baubles, it didn’t take me that long to finish up as I carefully placed them inside my purse.
“It was fun while it lasted,” I murmured into the walk-in closet that had my belongings in it. As I was walking out, I wasn’t expecting to find Callum in the bedroom, waiting.
Chapter 115
Callum
I was rubbing the back of
my neck as I entered my bedroom, pausing when I heard noise coming out of the closets. Stella was here?
“It was fun while it lasted,” she spoke, dispirited.
Her voice tugged at me. I was sure she was feeling like I was throwing her out, but it wasn’t like that at all. I was more than confused, being pulled in all directions. There was so much to be done. Even after burying my father, there was still his company to sort out. Not to mention Zara’s clingy pleas and demands, thousands of employees worried if they still had a job, my mother’s constant blabbers and the list just kept on growing. The only person who was in my life before all this happened, was the only one who wasn’t demanding anything. It proved what a great woman she was, but at the same time, it seemed that she was willing to move on from me.
I didn’t blame her. Things between Zara and I were complicated. I wasn’t even sure where to begin. As much as I pondered about where Zara and I were heading to, the thought of saying goodbye to Stella didn’t sit well with me, either. I knew I couldn’t have both and that I had to let someone go, but I was dreading the thought of not seeing Stella again. I cared for her, I truly did.
It was fortunate that Zara was staying with her family for the time being, since they brought the subject of impropriety of staying at my house while mourning the loss of her husband, even though it hadn’t been a real one.
When Stella finally emerged from the closet, my immediate reaction to seeing her didn’t help one bit. Yes, I was undoubtedly attracted to her, but I was more drawn to the airy lightness that she easily exuded. Yeah, letting her go was going to be a battle, I sadly conceded.
“Hi.”
“Hello,” she said whilst looking like she wanted to dash out of the door and not face me at all.
“I was hoping we could talk?” I was nervous, hoping that she’d give me a chance to explain. Leaving things the way they were was not what I had intended. This was not how I pictured ending things with Stella.