by Cathy Glass
‘I think so.’
‘Thank you,’ Terri said. Then she turned to Reva: ‘Would you like to say a bit about Danny? Perhaps tell Cathy about his likes and dislikes, and his routine. Anything you think may help her look after Danny.’
‘Yes,’ Reva said. ‘I’ve made a few notes.’ She unhooked her shoulder bag from the back of her chair and, opening it, slid out a thick wodge of papers. ‘This is Danny’s daily routine,’ she said, passing it across the table to me. ‘It never alters.’
‘Thank you,’ I said, taking it. I began flipping through. Usually a parent will say a few words about their child’s routine, very occasionally they’ll give me some notes, but never in all my years of fostering had I seen anything this detailed before: twenty-three pages of A4 paper covered in small print.
‘Perhaps you could read it later,’ Terri said, aware of the volume of paperwork.
I nodded and smiled at Reva. ‘Thank you. This will be helpful.’
‘Is there anything you want to add to what you’ve written?’ Terri asked Reva.
I assumed there wouldn’t be, given the detail in the paperwork, but Reva said, ‘Yes. That’s just Danny’s routine. Cathy also needs to know what it’s like looking after Danny. I mean, what it’s really like.’ She paused, and I saw her bottom lip tremble. ‘It’s been hell,’ she said. ‘Absolute hell. It’s a nightmare looking after Danny. I know it’s my fault, and some days I wish he’d never been born.’ Her face crumpled into tears.
Chapter Six
Prisoners
My heart went out to Reva. She was clearly carrying a huge burden of guilt and self-blame for Danny’s problems, and appeared to be at her wits’ end, and close to breaking point. Terri, Sue and I tried to reassure her, but her feelings of inadequacy were too deeply ingrained, and I wondered how much of this was a result of her husband’s attitude. Reva’s previous comment about him blaming her for having an autistic son weighed heavily in my thoughts. The last thing the poor woman needed was to be blamed by her partner; she needed all the help and support she could get.
Presently Reva dried her eyes and was composed enough to continue. ‘Danny cried a lot as a baby. I thought all babies cried, but my husband, Richard, said his other two children hadn’t cried as much as Danny did. He was married before. Danny’s my only child, so I had nothing to compare him to. But I became exhausted – up most of the night, every night. Danny didn’t seem to need much sleep. I read all the books I could find on parenting. I felt I must be doing something wrong, and if I’m honest Danny’s crying scared me. It seemed as if he wanted something and I should be able to work out what it was. He was out of control when he screamed, even as a baby, and there was nothing I could do to help him.’
‘Didn’t you have anyone you could talk to?’ Terri asked.
‘Not really. I discussed it with my mother when we spoke on the phone, but she said babies often cried for no reason. She lives over a hundred miles from us, so we don’t see her very often. She’s not a hands-on grandmother. Richard’s job was very demanding – it still is – and I’d given up work to look after Danny, so I got up in the night and did most of the parenting. I do now. I tried to keep Danny quiet, because if Richard went to work tired he couldn’t function. I couldn’t function either. I asked the health visitor about Danny’s crying and she said it was nothing to worry about, that it was probably a bit of colic. The gripe water she recommended didn’t help, and Danny kept crying for large parts of every day and most nights until he was eighteen months old. Then it suddenly stopped and he became very quiet and withdrawn. He had some language by then and was starting to put words together into little sentences – you know the sort of thing: “Daddy go work”, “Danny want biscuit”, “Mummy cooking.” But he suddenly stopped talking and would point to what he wanted and make a noise instead. I tried to encourage him to use words, but he would stare through me as though he hadn’t a clue what I was talking about.’
‘Had anything traumatic happened to Danny at that time?’ Terri asked.
‘I’ve wondered that, but I can’t think of anything,’ Reva said. ‘Danny was with me all day and night. I would have known if something had happened. There was nothing.’
Terri nodded. ‘OK. I just wondered.’
‘Although Danny had stopped talking,’ Reva continued, ‘and was very quiet for long periods and all night, he’d started having tantrums. He would throw himself on the floor, screaming, and bang his head on the ground, the wall, a cupboard – any hard object within reach. It was frightening, and when I tried to pick him up he’d lash out, kick and punch me, pull my hair and bite and claw me as though I was attacking him and he had to fight me off. My beautiful baby boy. I was devastated. He’s stopped the clawing, but he still does the other things when he’s frustrated and upset.’ Reva paused.
‘At school we do all we can to encourage Danny to use language to express himself – if he wants something or is upset,’ Sue said.
‘So do I,’ Reva said a little brusquely. ‘But it’s different at school. There are other children here and Danny has respect for you. At home it’s just him and me, and he doesn’t have respect for me. He does what he wants, and if he won’t talk to me there is nothing I can do about it.’
‘Does he talk to your husband?’ Terri asked.
‘Sometimes, a little. But he only sees him for a few minutes in the evening, and at the weekends, when Richard’s not playing golf. Danny doesn’t talk like other children his age do. He doesn’t have a conversation; he repeats what you say or nods or comes out with half-sentences and words that don’t make any sense. Then he gets frustrated because you don’t understand what he wants, and that leads to a tantrum. Yet he can talk to George or himself. Danny would rather talk to himself or his rabbit than to me.’
‘Does Danny smile or laugh or show his feelings?’ Terri asked.
‘Not often. His expression is usually blank. Sometimes he’ll suddenly laugh but it’s not at the right time or in the right context, if you know what I mean. He can laugh loudly – cackle – for no obvious reason. He does it in public. It’s so embarrassing. It’s impossible to know if Danny is happy or not, and he doesn’t show physical affection normally. He’ll let you touch him sometimes, but only on his terms. He let me hold him in the playground just now and carry him into school, but I can’t remember the last time he let me cuddle him. It’s as though he doesn’t want or need anyone else. Not even his mother.’
‘I’m sure he does need you,’ I said. ‘But he has difficulty showing it.’
Terri and Sue nodded in agreement.
‘But other children kiss and hug their mothers,’ Reva blurted, her eyes filling again. ‘I’ve seen them in the playground kissing and hugging their parents goodbye when it’s time to go into school. Danny just turns and walks away with his classroom assistant. She has to tell him to say goodbye to me. He shouldn’t need telling. Other children don’t, but Danny seems to have no empathy or feelings. If I cry in front of him, he just looks at me.’ Reva was in tears again.
‘I’m sure Danny does feel things,’ Terri said seriously, looking at Reva, ‘just as you and I do, but the difference is Danny can’t express them. It’s a trait of autism, if that is what Danny has.’
‘And he does love you, just as other children love their parents,’ I added, trying to console Reva.
‘How can you be so sure?’ she demanded, taking another tissue from her bag. ‘You’ve only just met Danny. Wait until you know him better, you’ll see. He’ll be as cold to you as he is to me.’
I didn’t reply. Reva was very upset and didn’t mean to be rude.
‘Sorry,’ she said after a moment.
‘It’s OK,’ I said. ‘I can appreciate how upsetting Danny’s behaviour is for you.’
‘Have you fostered anyone like him before?’ Reva now asked, wiping her eyes.
‘No two children are the same,’ I said. ‘But I have seen some of Danny’s behaviour in other children.’
‘Do you think he is autistic?’ she asked me.
‘I don’t know. And it would be wrong for me to guess.’
‘The education psychologist is the person who should make the diagnosis,’ Terri put in. ‘I’ll speak to your husband about it.’ I saw Terri glance at her watch. She had to leave in fifteen minutes to go to her other meeting. ‘We still need to talk about contact,’ she said. ‘But before we do, are there any strategies you’ve found particularly helpful in managing Danny’s behaviour that you would like to pass on to Cathy?’
Reva shrugged. ‘Not really. I just do what Danny wants to keep the peace, but that doesn’t always work either.’
It won’t, I thought but didn’t say. Boundaries for good behaviour are essential for all children; as well as socializing the child they show them that the parent cares, whatever syndrome or condition the child may have. I knew Reva had developed some strategies for managing Danny’s behaviour, although she probably didn’t realize it.
‘You taught Danny how to put on his clothes in the correct order,’ I now said to her. ‘That’s important. Without it Danny would become frustrated, which could lead to a tantrum. So that’s a useful strategy.’
Reva looked at me thoughtfully. ‘I suppose you’re right,’ she said. ‘I hadn’t really thought of it that way.’
‘And you’ve taught Danny a workable bedtime routine that includes him washing his face, brushing his teeth and getting ready for bed,’ I said. ‘These are all strategies that help him to cope with daily tasks that are simple to us but not to Danny. You taught him all of that.’
A faint smile crossed Reva’s face. ‘Have you noticed how methodical Danny is?’ she said. ‘He loves doing things in order. Patterns and order are his lifeline. Mealtimes used to be a nightmare, but then we discovered that as long as he can eat his food in order of colour he’s fine. He always starts by eating the palest food first and then the darker. It takes him a while, but it works.’
I now realized that that was what Danny must have been doing at dinner the evening before when he’d arranged the components of the casserole around the edge of his plate. He’d eaten them a pile at a time, the lightest first: chicken, potatoes, carrots and then peas.
‘So you’ve created quite a few strategies to help him without realizing it,’ Terri said.
‘I suppose I have,’ Reva said, and her eyes filled again. But this time her emotion wasn’t from despair; it was the realization that she had been doing some things right after all. ‘Thank you,’ she said, looking at me.
‘There’s no need to thank me. You’re the one who’s been helping Danny to cope all these years.’
And her look of gratitude made my own eyes fill.
‘Well done, Reva,’ Terri said, and Sue smiled. ‘Now to contact,’ Terri said. I took my diary and pen from my handbag and opened it on the table in front of me. ‘You and your husband obviously want to see Danny regularly,’ Terri said to Reva. ‘So I suggest we set contact at two evenings a week, and one day at the weekend. The care plan is for Danny to return home as soon as possible, so we need to keep the bond between you strong. We can review the contact arrangements as we go and adjust them up once Danny is more settled.’
Reva nodded.
‘I suggest Tuesday and Thursday evening after school, starting tomorrow,’ Terri said. ‘Reva, if you collect Danny from school on those nights and take him home and give him dinner, then return him to Cathy’s at about six o’clock, then he’ll have a little while to settle before he has to go to bed.’
‘And time to feed George,’ I put in, aware this was going to be part of Danny’s evening routine.
‘Yes, absolutely,’ Reva agreed.
‘Good,’ Terri said, making a note. I also wrote the arrangements in my diary. ‘I was going to suggest telephone contact on the nights Danny doesn’t see you,’ Terri said. ‘But I’m not sure Danny would cope with it.’
‘No, he doesn’t use the telephone,’ Reva said. ‘It frightens him.’
‘OK, so no telephone contact,’ Terri confirmed as she wrote. ‘Which day of the weekend would suit you and your husband best?’ she now asked Reva. ‘When does Richard play golf?’
‘Sunday mainly.’
‘So we’ll make the weekend contact on Saturday. Cathy will bring Danny to you and you can return him.’
I wrote this in my diary.
‘As routine is so important to Danny,’ Terri said, ‘it’s essential we all keep to the contact agreements.’
Even for a child in care under a Section 20, where the parents retain full legal responsibility for the child, it is important to adhere to the timetable of contact, otherwise the child can become very unsettled (for example, if the parents keep changing contact arrangements, or suddenly turn up at the foster carer’s home wanting to see the child or take them out).
‘Is it for the whole day on Saturday?’ Reva asked, concerned.
‘Yes,’ Terri said. ‘I’m thinking ten o’clock till six. Why? Is there a problem?’
‘I hope I can cope,’ Reva said, her brow creasing.
‘Your husband can help you with Danny,’ Terri said, looking at her seriously.
‘Yes,’ Reva said uncertainly.
‘If you feel you are not coping then telephone Cathy and she’ll come and collect Danny, or you can return him early.’
Reva gave a small, unconvincing nod, and I thought that many of Reva’s problems in coping with Danny seemed to come from her lack of self-confidence in her ability to meet his needs.
‘I’m sure everything will be fine,’ Terri said. ‘Now, if there is nothing else, I need to be going. I’ll leave the two of you to make the arrangements to collect George.’ She glanced around the table, but no one had anything to add so she put away her notebook and pen. ‘I’ll need to visit you both,’ she said to Reva and me as she stood. ‘I’ll phone to arrange the appointments. Reva, can you ask Richard when he is available. I need him to be present when I see you.’
‘Yes,’ Reva said in a small voice. ‘He’s very busy, though.’
‘So am I,’ Terri said. I could understand why she sounded terse. Danny’s home life had deteriorated to the point where he’d had to come into care, so surely his father should be doing everything in his power to get him home again as soon as possible, including making time for the social worker.
‘Can I see Danny to say goodbye before I go?’ Reva now asked Terri.
‘Yes, that’s fine with me,’ Terri said, and looked at Sue.
‘Come down to the classroom when you’ve finished talking to Cathy,’ Sue said. ‘Yvonne will bring Danny out to you.’
‘Thank you,’ Reva said. ‘I won’t keep him long.’
Sue smiled, then she and Terri said goodbye to us and left the staff room.
I looked across the table at Reva. She seemed marginally more relaxed now there was just the two of us. ‘Do you want to bring George to my house or shall I collect him?’ I asked her.
‘Can you collect him, please?’ she said. ‘I didn’t like to say it in front of Terri but my car is a sports car and the hutch won’t fit in the boot.’
‘No worries,’ I said. ‘I’ll come to you. My car is a hatchback, so I’m sure George and his hutch will fit in the back.’
‘Thank you. Do you have my address?’
‘Not yet. Jill, my support social worker, is bringing the placement forms this evening.’
Reva reached into her shoulder bag and took out a business card, which she passed to me. I read the smart black embossed lettering. Below her name was printed ‘Corporate Hospitality’ and then her contact details.
‘I had some notion I would work freelance after I had Danny,’ she said with a small, dismissive laugh. ‘So I had the cards printed. But it’s been impossible. I still have most of the cards.’
‘Were you in the corporate hospitality business before?’ I asked, making conversation.
‘Yes, that’s where I met Richard. He was one of my clien
ts. I was good at my job. Far better than I am at being a mother. I should have known when I was well off.’
‘You’re doing fine,’ I said encouragingly. ‘You’ve got very tired and weighed down by all of Danny’s needs. I’ve only had Danny for one night, but already I can see how much attention and patience he requires. Once you’ve had a break and time to recharge your batteries I’m sure you’ll feel better and see things differently.’
‘I hope so,’ she said with a sigh. ‘I’m in such a dark place right now. I’m no good to anyone – not Richard or Danny.’
‘Give yourself time,’ I said again.
‘I’ll try. Thank you, and thanks for having George. What time do you want to come to collect him tomorrow?’
‘Shall we say about eleven?’
‘That’s fine. I’m in most days. I’ve little reason to go out. I’ll give you some of Danny’s toys and more of his clothes. I wasn’t thinking straight yesterday. Have you got enough for now?’
‘Yes. Plenty.’
‘I’ll go and see Danny now then. It’ll be strange not having to come to school to collect him this afternoon.’
‘Try not to worry,’ I said. ‘I’ll take good care of him.’
‘I know you will, and you’ll do a better job of it than me.’
There was little more I could say right now to help Reva, for, as she’d admitted, she was in a ‘dark place’ and felt a failure as a mother, wife and, I suspected, as a person too. I assumed Terri would have advised Reva to see a doctor if she felt she needed help with depression. It wasn’t for me to suggest it to her. We stood and left the staff room. At the end of the corridor we said goodbye to each other, and Reva went to Danny’s classroom while I went towards reception and then out of the school.
Once home I made a cup of coffee and took it to the table, together with Reva’s notes. I began reading as I sipped my coffee. There was so much detail. Too much detail. I flicked through. Every minute of every day was accounted for, with lengthy, painstaking instructions on what to do and what not to do in every situation. Mealtimes included how to position Danny’s cutlery the way he liked it to avoid a tantrum, and the morning routine included what to say to Danny when I woke him, and then again at night when he went to bed. Reva had written how I should greet him at the end of the school day, and that I shouldn’t ask what he’d done at school as he didn’t like that and could become angry. I should say, ‘We’re going home in the car, Danny,’ but then I had to remain silent as we walked to the car, because he didn’t like to be talked to. I had to let him open the car door himself, and I wasn’t to help him climb in, or touch his seatbelt, as it annoyed him. Reva had also noted that it took Danny a long time to fasten his seatbelt due to his lack of coordination, and consequently she always made sure she parked her car with the passenger door on the pavement side so she didn’t have to stand in the road while she waited for him to fasten it. And so it continued, page after page …