by Jill Cooper
We settle in and I pick up my fork. I poke at my mac and cheese and watch the heat rise on up. Taking a deep breath I can smell that starchy mix of pasta and cheese, but it turns my stomach. I get close to gagging so I pick up my ice water and sip it.
No one seems to notice as they are chewing their food. “Should I open the wine?” Mom asks and holds the bottle. “For us adults anyway.”
Married, but still too young to drink, I force a smile. “Do you remember, Dad, when you taught me to make mac and cheese after…” Crap … after Mom died. “Well, you used to let me stir. When Mom was out late.”
“Yeah, I remember.” Dad spins the fork in his hand and his eyes darken. He glances over at Mom across the table. “It was a long time ago.”
“It sure was.” Mom fiddles with the edges of her napkin. “We used to tuck you into that small bed. The one with the … brown walls.” Her voice flits and her eyes flutter.
“We covered it up with pink fabric and cute drapes. But I don’t get why the walk down memory lane, Lara. I thought we were trying to move on,” Dad says.
“We are. Some of the memories are happy ones, for me. They make me feel good.” I spoon some mac and cheese into my mouth and it’s hot, but that isn’t what bothers me about it.
It’s the taste. It’s disgusting. Squishy and like someone warmed wet socks in my mouth.
I try to force it down, but I can’t. I grab the nice, yellow, cloth napkin by my bowl and bring it to my mouth. I spit the mac and cheese out and rush the moldy taste away with water. “Ugh,” I sputter out and take another sip.
“What’s wrong?” Mom asks.
“Yeah, you love this stuff. You probably need to buy stock in the company.”
I scowl at my bowl. “It just … tastes funny. Don’t eat it. Maybe the milk’s expired.”
“Funny,” Mom says, “but the milk’s fine. And so is this.” She chews. “Yes, this is fine. What do you think, John?”
“Tastes just like mac and cheese should. Over processed, which I’m pretty sure that’s what we are going for. You used to think it tasted funny too.”
“I did?” Mom scrunches her nose as she thinks back. “Oh, I did! I didn’t know why until I found out about food aversion…” Her eyes go wide. “Lara!”
“What?” This dinner isn’t going like I thought it would and not only am I frustrated, I’m annoyed.
“When I was pregnant with you I couldn’t eat mac and cheese or chicken. Only fruit and cottage cheese. Everything else tasted, well, wrong.”
Dad’s eyes grow. “You mean… You think…”
Mom nods as if it’s going out of style. I put down my fork and cross my arms. I have no idea what she’s getting at until she blurts out the words. “Maybe we’re going to be grandparents!”
“You’re not talking about me, are you?” I lean across the table and study their faces. “You think I’m pregnant? Me?”
“Well, you are married, honey.” Mom smirks on one side of her mouth. “Imagine Mike and Molly as aunt and uncle. They’ll be so tickled about this.”
“We don’t know anything yet.” Anxiety rises up from the pit of my stomach. I can’t believe where this conversation is taking us. But then I tick back the dates and realize it’s not out of the realm of possibilities.
I am four days late. So Maybe.
Maybe?
****
Possibility turns into a bright pink stick.
Neither of us can believe it, but Donovan and I snuggle in his study. The lighting is a warm, brown amber that matches the color of the leather the sofa we sit together on. I’m nestled in the crook of his arm and his fingers glide down my arm.
“I just can’t believe it.” He kisses the top of my head and there’s still the track of shock in his voice. There is never a question of acceptance from him and I’m not surprised. I knew how Donovan would feel, but there is the question of Rex.
The real Rex, not the dead one in the virtual reality.
Somewhere he’s out there and now with a growing Montgomery-James inside of me… But it’s not real. It can’t be. Why would Rex give me everything I want? Only one reason, leverage. A way to manipulate me.
If Rex comes for the baby to make me suffer, for revenge, I’ll end him.
There are so many unspoken words between us, but I gaze up into Donovan’s eyes and understanding connects us. The flick of his eye tells me everything I need to know.
He’ll protect us.
He’ll do whatever it takes. I just hope it won’t take that much.
“My mother’s dead.” Donovan’s words echo around me and they threaten to pull the truth from me. I never told him I’m the one who assassinated his mother, but I never felt the need. In the still of the night, as he lays beside me, I’m sure he already knows.
“She’s dead and the board, everyone is pressuring me to take my seat at the head of the Rewind Agency.”
I prop myself up. It’s been a while since he’s said something that completely shocked me, but this one is a doozy and it’s one I’m not prepared for. “And you’ve turned them down?”
Donovan nods, but he’s not gazing at me, he is gazing across the room at our wedding portrait on the wall. “All but the last time. This last time I told them I needed to talk to my wife.”
“Me? You want me to what, get on board with you going to work for them? The Rewind Agency? The group that—”
“—I know.” He takes my hand and kisses it. “It’s everything that nearly destroyed you and your family, but someone has to take the reins. It isn’t just going to fold or disappear, Lar. Someone needs to control it, teach it boundaries.”
“And you think that person should be you?” I’m confused by his actions, confused by what it is I am supposed to do, why Rex wants me to go along with this. I don’t know what to do.
Donovan’s smile relaxes me even though it’s not real. Nothing about this place is, but I love it. I feel like I’m at home. “I think that, together, you and I can pull it back on track, make it so scientists aren’t running experiments that are secret and illegal, that we can follow the law and make the Rewind Agency be what it’s supposed to be. A novelty. Not something that is meant to change the world. I think we can do that together.”
His eyes squint and I see something in them that isn’t Donovan. For a split second the façade drops and for a moment in time, I am staring at Rex. But then Donovan relaxes again and everything is the same.
I know what I have to do. I have to lie to keep Rex off my trail. To keep him from realizing I am trying to find a way out of everything.
So I smile and my hand squeezes my husband’s thigh as I lean in with a passionate “Yes.” I seal my sin with a kiss.
****
“Blue tie or red?” Donovan holds them up as he stands by the window. The bedroom in our sixty-sixthfloor apartment is larger than most people’s entire homes. I have to walk across the plush carpets before I can even see what he is holding in crisp detail.
“Blue.” I take the sides of his pale blue shirt and button them up. Biting my lip, I reflect on how handsome he is, how mature he’s growing. Have I been plugged into the system that long or is Rex speeding up time to get me where he wants me to be? How much time have I lost?
“Big day.” I’m proud of the person Don is becoming. I kiss his cheek as he slings the tie under the collar of his shirt.
“Help me with this, will you, rock star? I’m all thumbs. I’m too nervous to do this.” Donovan lets out a deep breath and closes his eyes.
I’d never let him down. I take his tie and in a few swoop of movements I have a fine example of an Eldredge knot. Donovan gazes at his reflection with a dumbfounded expression on his face.
“YouTube.” I pat his chest with my explanation. “You want breakfast? I can have someone whip you up something.” I start to move away, but Donovan slings his arms around me and squeezes me from behind.
“Just tell me it’ll all be okay,” he whispers against
my neck and it sends a chill down my spine. “Tell me I’m not an idiot for trying to reform that place after what it did to you. To everyone.”
I close my eyes and place my open palm against his cheek. His cologne is spicy and it drives my heart to madness. Do I think he can do it? Yes, of everyone he is the one I trust the most. Do I really want him in the belly of the beast? I’m too protective to want that.
“You’re not an idiot,” I whisper and turn to glance at his profile. Being with him makes my heart swell in ways I’ve never felt before. Being pregnant with his child is compounding all my feelings for him. Now they are so deep, intense, I know I would do anything for him and the small family member that grows inside me.
It’s like Donovan can read my mind as he places his hands on my middle, but I’m barely showing. If I am, it’s mostly just bloat from my raging hormones. Deep inside, I feel different. My stomach is stretching and sometimes the cramping makes me think I might lose the baby and that thought horrifies me.
But if this is a virtual reality, how do I know that? Does that mean Mom, on the outside, as she monitors me, is feeding me this information? If so, does that mean she can remember what it was like when she carried me and my twin siblings? When will they wake me up again so I can talk to her, see how all these ‘experiments’ are going?
“Come with me,” Donovan says.
“Not yet.” I pivot to face him. “Let’s see how it goes first, then I’ll join you. Until, of course, we have the baby.”
The baby. My heart skips a real beat.
His face lights up. “All right. That sounds like a promise I can live with.” He kisses my nose. “What are you filling your day with today?”
“Mostly philanthropy exploits. A kid’s charity downtown. Then lunch with my mom, if I can keep anything down. But a girl has to eat.”
We embrace and I nestle myself deep into his arms. “Be safe, rock star. Everything I’m doing is for you. Us. We’ll make sure Rewind never hurts anyone else like they hurt you again.”
“I’m counting on it,” I whisper and rest my chin on his shoulder. For a brief moment, I wish this virtual world were real. I wish I could really hold Donovan. I wish he hadn’t died in the back of an alley.
****
Mom meets me at the café and she’s carrying a binder under her arm. She looks relaxed in a pair of jeans and a long sleeved fitted shirt. It’s spring time again in Boston so I grab a small, brown table on the curb that is bordered by a black fence. The air smells of a mixture of lavender and diesel fuel, thanks to the nearby subway station. But that smell brings back so many memories of being young in the city that I love it. Nostalgia swirls through me as Mom waves.
I return the greeting and sip my milk as Mom slides her chair in, it grates against the sidewalk as she does so. The sound reminds me of the last time we sat at this café, only then it was real. Then I was piecing all the information about Mom’s supposed mugging together. It feels like a lifetime ago and, in a lot of ways, it actually was a lifetime ago.
“Hi!” Mom flags down a waitress to order an iced tea and some lunch, as she always does. “How was the meeting?”
“Good.” I hand her over a flyer. “Things are really coming together.”
Mom reads it over. “I’m so proud of you, Lara, for wanting to help out these children. Disaster can come hard and fast, believe me, I know.” When her iced tea arrives, she sips it. “Jax and I don’t have much spare money left anymore after all the legal bills, but we want to help out as much as we can.”
I smile. “I appreciate it, really. Maybe you could help spread the word with your contacts? Or help me organize. I’m new at all this and feel like such a poser.”
Mom reaches across the table and pats my hand. “You are not a poser. You’re a young, talented, vibrant woman.” Briefly, she glances at her phone. “We have an hour before I have to pick up the kids.”
“How do you like staying home with them full time?”
For a moment she’s thoughtful. “Sometimes I want to pull my hair out, but I love it. The paint, the homework, the laughter.” Mom pauses. “I’m sorry it wasn’t something I could give to you.”
“It’s all right, Mom. I’m thankful to have you now.”
“And how are you?” Mom asks. “How’s my girl feeling? She’s going to be a mother. I can’t believe it. Do you think this is the face of a grandmother?”
“Just a gorgeous grandmother.”
Mom’s nose crinkles. “I can get used to that. So can Mike and Molly. They are so excited to be an aunt and uncle. Mike is taking his duties very seriously.”
That doesn’t surprise me. “That sounds just like him.”
“He’s already practicing to swaddle on Molly’s doll. Between the two of them, you’ll be lucky to hold the baby at all. Well and me. Today’s the big day, huh? Donovan.”
I nod. “Rewind.” The anxiety returns when I think of the place, even if it did make all of this possible.
Mom rubs her hands on her jeans. “He’s smart and just so good. I just pray his ambitions don’t get the better of him like they did me.” She picks up her fork as her salad arrives and then my cheeseburger is next.
I munch on a fry.
“Do you remember the last time we ate here?” Mom asks.
Gagging, I nearly choke on my fry. I rush a sip of milk. “Mom?”
It can’t be possible. Can it? Is it possible my mom on the outside of the virtual world is out there, feeding this virtual copy of her information to send me a message?
“I didn’t at first.” Mom’s eyebrows go up. “But once I tried the mac and cheese, it opened me right up. My mind snapped open.”
“What do you remember about this place?” My stomach hurts from the nerves as they spin.
“Pretty much everything.” Mom’s face is haunted. “But I know this place is a secret, so I can’t tell anyone. I have to pretend I don’t remember.”
“How much longer do I need to sleep? When do I get to wake up?”
I hold my breath as I watch her struggle with the answer. “Soon,” Mom says. “The architect hasn’t got what he needs yet, but soon.”
“Well—” I pick up my milk and my hand shakes “—then we’ll just have to plan a party.”
Mom picks up her iced tea and we toast to the future and our plans. I want to do nothing but talk but I know we can’t. We dare not speak it again or risk her going under again. I can’t risk Rex messing with her mind any more than him messing with mine.
****
I head to meet Donovan after work. To stand inside the lobby of the Rewind agency feels wrong. Like standing at the gates of hell. But when the elevator dings and Donovan strolls out, my soul soars and all my fears drift away.
He takes long strides to greet me with extended hands. I take them with a squeeze and go on tiptoe to accept his kiss. “Aren’t you a sight?”
He’s always so sweet. “How did your first day go?” I ask as we go out to the sidewalk and we wait for our driver to take us home to our penthouse suite.
Donovan raises his eyebrows and his face is lined with fatigue. “There’s a lot to go over. Federal regulations are being broken all over the place. There are people still faithful to my mom here. I know it. I see the resistance. It’s going to take a while to weed them all out.”
I squeeze his arm close. “You can do it. I know you can. Be persistent. Patient.”
“Very good P words,” Donovan says as the black car slides up. He opens the car door for me without waiting for the chauffeur to do it and I step inside. I smooth my shirt down and wait for him to slide in beside me. “Home, please,” Donovan says to the front.
“It’d be easier if you came in with me. Your brain is a time travel marvel.”
“I can’t use it anymore. You know that. The baby—”
“—I know.” Donovan holds up his hands. “I’m not asking you to time travel. Just help me vet the people. That’s all I’m asking. I want my wife by my side. I ne
ed people I can trust, even if it means filing papers or making sure technical equipment is doing what it’s supposed to. If I could hire your mom I would, but her license was stripped.”
“Maybe she could get reinstated.”
Donovan concedes with a shrug. “If she wants to. Maybe even Jax. If you could talk to them.”
I grin. “I could try. And, yes, if you need someone you trust, of course I’ll be there.”
Donovan kisses me with unabashed enthusiasm. It makes me wonder what Rex’s plan is. Why put me through this scenario? What is his end game angle? I need to find out and if that means going along with it for a short time, then that is exactly what I’m going to do.
But if I am going to be honest with myself, this virtual reality, this new life, is nice. Damn nice. I’m not sure anymore if I want to wake up.
Chapter Ten
“Wake up, sleepy head.”
I moan, rolling my head on the pillow as Donovan places a kiss on my cheek. My head is foggy, as if I’ve been asleep a long time. My eyelids are heavy as I blink them awake. “Don?” I whisper.
He’s already in his suit and tie as he sits beside me and strokes my hair. “You sure are tired lately.”
I push up on my elbows and glance out the window. Outside I see the swirl of snow. My heart skips a beat. The last season I remember was summer so why is Rex speeding up the time? What has he done to the system since I met with my mom? Did he know what I was up to? Has he hurt her?
“C’mon, today’s the big day!” Donovan pulls the covers off of me and takes me by the elbow to help me from the bed.
“Big day?” My toes meet the soft carpet and I see my reflection in the mirror. I see how round my belly is beneath my flannel pajamas and the light strain it puts on the buttons. Gingerly, I touch it and inside there’s a flutter. A kick. It makes me jump.
Holy crap. It all feels so real.
“The day we find out the baby’s gender. Then we can finally hire someone to paint the nursery. Come on, you need to get dressed and eat.” Donovan kisses my cheek and rushes from the room and I’m left there just staring at myself in the mirror.