“Please…don’t,” she answered, almost laughing at how soft, desperate and nonsensical they sounded.
“I can’t help it.” His hand convulsively slid down her neck to her shoulders, gripping her as if indeed he could not stop himself. Kate was shattered, begging her body to reject this seduction, but feeling every part aflame and eager.
He shifted position, pulling her toward him until they were propped on their sides, facing each other on the couch. She gasped when his hand slid over her hip to pull her leg over his.
“This isn’t right…” Kate struggled to shake her head, but it only seemed to burrow her closer to him. “I can’t, Jake.”
“Why can’t you?” He doubled his efforts, his mouth desperate and hot against hers. She lay limp in his arms, unable to fully resist, unwilling to take another step toward loving him.
“It’ll hurt me too much,” she choked out.
“Why?”
“There’s been no one but Ben since…”
“Oh, Katie…”
His whispered endearment of her name nearly did her in. Gently he pushed her backward, downward until her shoulders touched the cushions. His mouth never stopped its raining kisses. His tongue lightly thrust between her lips, then pulled back, a teasing instrument of pleasure that worked like magic.
Kate’s hands discovered a will of their own, traveling up and down his back, kneading and tracing the muscles she could feel beneath his shirt. The hot possession of his body atop hers was a thrill she had forgotten in the length of her lukewarm marriage. She wanted him! She wanted him to take her. And the hot scenes of passion flashing through her brain both shocked and incited her.
“Jake…”
“Don’t talk.” His muscles fit atop hers beautifully. She could feel his hardness, and it was sheer joy. Kate shifted frantically, afraid to think, wanting this more than she had wanted anything in her life.
Then pain shot from her ankle up her leg. She jerked involuntarily. Her leg was twisted beneath them, and she couldn’t stop a groan from escaping her lips. Jake went stone still.
“Kate?” he asked, concerned.
“My ankle.”
He shifted away swiftly with a muscular twist, and Kate felt bereft. When his fingers explored and found the pulsing pain in her ankle, Kate jumped again. “Sorry,” he whispered, gently moving her foot.
Her sleeping conscience awakened. Heat invaded her face, and Kate squeezed her eyes closed. “Oh, my God,” she murmured, struggling to her elbows.
Jake glanced up from her foot, his eyes still drugged with desire. His gaze dropped to her lips. It was almost more than Kate could bear.
“Don’t look at me like that,” she whispered.
“I can’t help it.” His voice was low and slightly rough with unfulfilled need.
“I can’t do this! I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
“Why can’t you?”
“Because it’s not right!” She sat up fully, forced to clutch his arms to maintain her balance.
“Nothing ever felt so right,” he disagreed tensely.
“You left me eighteen years ago!”
“And then you left me,” he argued. “It was a lifetime ago, Kate.”
“And that makes it okay?” Passion bordered on anger. She felt poised at the brink.
“We were kids. We were stupid and naive. And the whole thing was great, but it was a fantasy. You know it as well as I do.”
He couldn’t have hurt her worse if he had tried. “It meant something to me,” she breathed. “Something incredible!”
“It meant something to me, too, but hell, it all blew up just because I was gone a few months. Let’s face it. It wasn’t this fabulous love affair of a lifetime. It didn’t even last one summer!”
“That’s because you stayed in Europe the whole time!”
“You couldn’t even wait till I got back!” Jake nearly yelled at her. “We’re talking a few weeks, and you hauled off and got married. You really know the meaning of loyalty, don’t you? It nearly killed me, Kate!”
“Don’t turn this around on me!”
He swore beneath his breath, dropping her as if she burned. As he paced the room, she could see the fury he was fighting, but she knew it was only sexual frustration.
“I’m not going to be your bedmate tonight, for old time’s sake,” she said flatly. “I’m sorry if I gave you the wrong idea.”
His hands clenched. “Thanks for reminding me what this would be. For a second I thought it might mean something else.”
Kate ground her teeth together. She wasn’t the foolish girl she had once been. “Like what? A second chance?”
“Maybe.”
Oh, she wanted to believe him. To trust her feelings and damn the consequences. But too much time had passed for that. “Tell me, Jake, would I be the only woman in your life?”
“What?”
“Do you really want a second chance with me, Kate Rose, your ex-lover?”
“I don’t know what I want!” he admitted half-angrily.
“I know what I don’t want,” Kate retorted. “I don’t want to be someone’s sometime lover.”
He made a sound of disbelief. “You really have a low opinion of me, don’t you?”
“Do I? Are you seeing anyone else?” Kate asked.
“What the hell are you talking about?”
Kate clenched her hands to tighten her own resolve. Jake was ridiculous if he felt he could make her believe he had been pining away for her all these years. He had been callous before; he would be again.
“Are you seeing someone else?” she asked tightly.
“If you mean, have I dated, well—”
“I mean are you currently seeing someone. A woman. A date. A lover.”
“I’ve dated a lot,” he insisted through his teeth. “Of course I have!”
“But right now.” She pinned him down, knowing she had hit a sore spot. And it cut deeply. Incredibly. Ridiculously! What had she expected? That now, since they had met again, he would renounce all other women in his life because of her?
When he remained silent, as if unable to form an answer, she said, “Well, I guess that’s my answer.”
“No, it’s not,” he bit out. “I didn’t know I would see you this weekend. I didn’t clear the boards on the off chance we’d run into each other. I didn’t even know I wanted to see you until you showed up.” Jake uttered a sound of disgust. “So, no, I didn’t tell every woman I know that I was suddenly unavailable. That’s not how it works.”
“Well, that’s how it works for me,” she said, knowing she was being unreasonable and not caring. “I can’t kiss a man like I kissed you just now unless I’m interested in only him.”
“What if you just learned it?” he questioned, giving her a sharp glance.
Kate narrowed her eyes, sensing the trap. “Are you trying to say that you kissed me and suddenly you knew it was me you wanted, only me?”
“What if I said yes?”
“I’d call you a liar,” she answered instantly. “And you’re really good at rhetoric. Answer a question with a question and never say a damn thing.”
“I don’t know what I want, except you,” Jake finally admitted in an outburst. He glared at her, as if angry she had forced him to this admission. “I want you, Kate Rose. And if you can’t handle it, fine. Just say so. But if you can…”
He left the thought unfinished, waiting. Kate swallowed, intending to tell him where to get off. But she couldn’t quite muster the words. Her lips remained clamped shut because she knew whatever came out of her mouth wouldn’t be the truth.
“You want me, too,” he guessed, coming to stand in front of her. She had a clear view of his denim-clad legs, but she refused to look up and meet his gaze. “You do. You wouldn’t have responded like that unless you felt the same thing.” He squatted down in front of her, picking up her limp hands, waiting until she reluctantly met his eyes. Then he whispered tautly, giving her no chance
to squirm out of a direct answer, “You want me, and I want you. And I think we know where this is heading. Why don’t we just admit it and stop torturing ourselves? I want you,” he stated deliberately. “Now, tell me you want me, too.”
Chapter Eleven
Doctor Phelpman examined Kate’s ankle with the gravity of an oncologist about to deliver bad news. Expelling her breath, Kate hadn’t even realized she had been holding it until the doctor removed his glasses and absentmindedly polished them, as if searching for the correct words.
“You’ve given yourself a sprained ankle,” he said soberly. “Strained the ligaments. Possibly torn them a bit.”
“I’ve done it before,” Kate told the gray-haired man. He was a local, semiretired GP who came in on Saturday mornings to this small Seaside clinic.
Jake had insisted she see someone and had rooted around through the local directory until he had learned about Dr. Phelpman. He had driven Kate to the clinic this morning over her protests that she would be fine.
Now she felt compelled to convince the good doctor that she was healthy as a horse.
“Might want to have it X-rayed,” he suggested gravely.
“I’ll give it some thought, when I get back to Portland.”
“Hmmmm…” Clearly he didn’t trust her to make an educated decision.
Damn Jake for bullying her into this, Kate thought unkindly. Why couldn’t he leave well enough alone? He had certainly managed to keep his hands off her last night after she had turned down his open invitation to have an affair.
Good Lord! Just recalling those heated moments sent blood rushing to her face. Under Dr. Phelpman’s critical eye Kate pressed her palms to her hot cheeks. She felt like a child in trouble, and that irritated her all the more.
“Thank you,” she told him as she hobbled out of the back room. She had refused crutches, and she could practically hear him tsk-tsking her as she headed for the waiting room.
There sat Jake, his denim-clad legs stretched out negligently in front of his lean body, his hair slightly ruffled from the sea breeze that had met them as they left his house this morning. He glanced up briefly, his brows quizzical. Kate barely refrained from glowering at him as she headed outside.
“I’m not your problem,” she bit out, shaking off his arm as he attempted to guide her toward his Bronco. It was all she could do to climb inside, the vehicle’s tires being too high for her to gracefully heft herself upward. That ticked her off all the more.
“You could use a little help from your friends,” Jake observed with a slow drawl.
She snorted in response, and that, as they say, was that for a while.
Staring out the window at the passing landscape, Kate knew she was acting utterly childishly, but she was too afraid of her own wants to react with adult sense right now. It would be so easy to be swept into an affair with Jake Talbot. Every cell in her body was screaming at her to give in.
Now, tell me you want me, too?
The night before when he had demanded a response to that, she had simply refused to answer. The heat of his stare had felt like it burned through her skin, and coward that she was, Kate had been unable to meet his steely gaze. She had wanted to answer in kind. The words had quivered on her tongue. But if she had admitted how she felt, he would know he had her, that she was his and had always been his!
Instead she had let the silence answer for her, and both of them had returned to their respective beds in an unrestful state of mind.
She didn’t want to care a whit about him. Okay, she could accept that she was attracted to him. He was, after all, a very attractive man. But did she have to want him so much? So much that it was like a craving eating away her insides? So much that her head was full of aching fantasies every blasted moment she was with him?
You’ve got to leave now, she warned herself.
When they arrived back at the house, Jake came around Kate’s side of the Bronco, offering a hand. It seemed churlish to sweep him away again, so she leaned on his strong arm as she descended to the ground. His muscles were hard and tense. Butterflies quivered in her stomach. Drawing a breath, Kate hesitated a moment, balancing herself.
“I hate feeling so helpless,” she admitted.
“No kidding. I never would have guessed.”
Kate groaned, glancing away. “I know I’ve been impossible. I just—don’t know what to do.”
“A shrink would say, ‘Go with your feelings’.”
“How do you know?” Kate asked.
“My ex-wife spent a lot of time on the psychiatrist’s couch.”
“Oh.” She didn’t know what to say to that. It had never occurred to her that Jake’s marriage had been less fulfilling than her own.
He helped her inside, and either she was wearing down or she was listening to her own silly heart again. Whatever the case, Kate obediently let him park her on her favorite spot on the couch.
“I should get that room at the motel,” she called loudly as Jake retreated to the kitchen. “Really. Thanks for everything, but I need to leave.”
“Same song, second verse,” was his muttered response.
He returned with coffee this time and a tiny pitcher of cream. Her hands reached for the steaming mug as if she and Jake had been partners and played out this scene time and again.
“I don’t want you to leave,” he said.
“Oh, Jake,” Kate murmured in protest.
“What’s wrong with a weekend together? We’re not hurting anyone. We’ve got a lot to talk about. Years of information.” He swirled his coffee, staring into its depths as if the secrets of the universe were written there.
“You’re just trying to come up with something.”
“Darn tootin’,” he agreed. “I don’t want to think about tomorrow. I just want today, and I want it with you.”
His words were sharp daggers to her heart. Honesty could be so tough. But what had she expected? Some lie about his wanting her to be the one and only woman in his life? Those dreams died years earlier when she had realized he hadn’t meant those words even then.
“I’m not made for quick affairs,” she whispered.
“How do you know that’s what it would be?”
“I just know.”
“You’re scared.”
“Absolutely!” she agreed. “I’ve got a life that I love, and a teenage daughter whom I love even more. I’ve got a job and a reputation. I’ve got a future.”
“You act like seeing me will bring on the apocalypse.”
“I haven’t dated enough to be so casual about sex,” Kate said seriously.
Jake gazed at her with a certain amount of frustration. He didn’t know what he wanted, and he was trying so hard to play square. If he were smart, he would walk away from any part of her. She had screwed up his youth royally, and he should have learned from his mistakes.
But he sure as hell was a lot more attracted to her than he had ever been to Sandra.
“It isn’t just about sex,” he pointed out.
Kate’s gorgeous amber eyes stared right into his soul. She was so prickly, so careful. Where others would just shrug their shoulders and say, “Why not?” she insisted on treading as carefully as if she were walking through a mine field.
“Then, what’s it about?” she asked.
Tough question. “Being with someone who interests you.”
“I could almost buy that, if it were from someone else, Jake.”
“What are you so afraid of?” he demanded, his frustration leaking through.
“History repeating itself,” she answered in a jiffy. “You hurt me so badly.
“I hurt you?”
Kate set down her coffee cup and pressed her hands together. “You don’t understand.”
“I don’t understand,” he agreed heartily. “I’ve never understood how you could swear your love to me at a church altar and then marry someone else within months.”
“You’re twisting that around. How many times do I have
to remind you that you got engaged.”
“Not before you got married.”
“I didn’t get married till late in the year.”
“I didn’t get engaged until I was out of college.”
Kate’s mouth opened in outrage. “Liar!”
“I’m telling the truth.”
“You got engaged in Europe that summer!” she denied hotly.
A distant door cracked open in his mind. A door to a room full of ugly thoughts that he had slammed shut so long ago. “My mother lied to you,” he realized with a tiny dart of anguish.
And Kate finally heard what he had been trying to tell her the night before, words she had stubbornly refused to comprehend: he hadn’t been engaged. He had merely been finishing out his parents’ wish for him to stay in Europe. He had come back expecting to be with Kate, and she had already married Ben. He had returned just a few weeks, or days, or hours, too late!
As she witnessed the truth dawn on Jake, she experienced her own latent shock and denial. She wanted to disbelieve, but there was no mistaking his reaction to news so old it shouldn’t be able to hurt anymore. But it did hurt. How thin were the threads of someone’s life that they could be torn and restitched so completely? She should be angry with Marilyn Talbot for ruining her life with Jake. Instead she felt numb.
And Jake experienced a similar rush of feelings. He stared at the ceiling, as if expecting divine intervention. He wanted to rail and shout and smash his fists into the wall. Instead, he tightened down his resolve and muttered harshly, “It doesn’t matter.”
“Doesn’t it?”
“No.” He shook his head. “If it had mattered, you would have waited.”
I couldn’t wait, she thought, half expecting him to leap to the truth. She had told him she had gotten married in the fall, and he knew she had been pregnant by the time he returned. If he calculated the time, he would know April was his—unless he thought she had started an affair with Ben almost the moment he departed.
Gazing at him helplessly, Kate half hoped the truth would connect inside his head. Her heart thundered in expectation, deafening her.
But Jake didn’t make the jump. Drawing a deep breath, he murmured, “I’d just like to see you again, that’s all.”
By Candlelight Page 17