By Candlelight

by Janelle Taylor

  “You scared me!” she declared, a hand at her throat.

  He sat down across from her, looking slightly amused. “I thought you were expecting me.”

  “Well, I was, but oh, I don’t know. I’ve got a lot on my mind.”

  “Tell me yours and I’ll tell you mine,” he said, motioning for the waiter. He ordered a beer, and when the long-necked bottle appeared, he gazed at Kate expectantly.

  She cleared her throat, watching condensation melt down the bottle’s brown glass. “I’ve been meaning to talk to you about some things for a long time. Definitely since we started dating again, though there were so many feelings to sort through in the beginning it all just got pushed aside. Which is no excuse,” she added, knowing she was rambling, but unable to stop herself. “I’ve been stalling. I’ve been afraid.”

  When she hesitated, Jake frowned reflectively, picking up his beer and downing a hearty swallow before wiping the back of his hand against his lips and asking, “Afraid?”

  “Terrified. I never thought we’d have a chance again, and the thought of losing out a second time. It would be more than I could bear.”

  He reached across to cradle one of her trembling hands. “Then, I’ve been afraid, too. But we’re together now.”

  “I know, but there are some things, some issues, we need to discuss.”

  “Tons of issues, I’m sure,” he agreed distractedly, releasing her as he sat back in his chair. He couldn’t see how desperate she was, and she sensed she was losing his attention in spite of her tension.

  “Jake, please!”

  “I’m listening.”

  But he wasn’t. Not really. With frustration, she realized he was absorbed in his own problems, and her desperate cries to be heard were a waste of time right now. “What’s wrong?” she asked him.

  “You were telling me your problems,” he reminded her.

  “But you’re miles away. What is it?”

  “I’m sorry. You’re right. I keep thinking about the West Bank thing and this meeting I had earlier.”

  Drawing a calming breath, Kate said, “Tell me about it. I think it’ll help me talk to you about my problems. No, I’m serious,” she added when he began to protest.

  Jake threw her a sideways smile. He understood how difficult it was for Kate to be the one to wait; but she had made her stand, and he was onstage first. “Diamond Corporation is backing out of our joint venture because they were told we’re being targeted by a saboteur.”

  “How did they learn that?” Kate protested.

  “I wish I knew. It’s certainly true that we’ve had some vandalism directed at Talbot Industries, but nobody knows that. The papers haven’t reported it. They only know there was an ‘accident’ at the West Bank.” He shook his head and made a sound of self-deprecation. “Remember when I didn’t want to talk to you about my business?”

  “At the beach.” Kate nodded.

  “It seems like years ago. Now I don’t know what I’d do without you on my side.”

  Kate looked down at her hands, feeling so unworthy. He was making it impossible for her to confess, but she had to!

  “But it gets worse,” he went on. “Someone from Talbot specifically told Diamond Corp. about the saboteur theory. Now Diamond thinks we’re too risky to deal with right now. I had a meeting with them this afternoon. Our joint venture is dead. It was a multi-million dollar deal that a few careless—or maybe specifically mentioned—words crushed.”

  “Who told them?” Kate asked.

  Jake stared down at his beer bottle. “It could only be one of a handful of people.”

  “An ex-employee?”

  “Maybe a current one.” Jake grimaced and gulped down the rest of his beer. Ever so gently he placed the bottle back on the tabletop. “Top of my list?” he asked her.

  She nodded, already sensing she was not going to like the answer.

  “My brother. Phillip.”

  “No!” Her reaction was instantaneous. “No! Why? Why would he hurt you like that?”

  “He wants that airport property for himself, and my father thinks it’s a dandy idea to break off a chunk of the company and give it to him!”

  “I don’t understand!” Kate blinked in bewilderment. “Your father would never want the company to fail!”

  “Oh, that’s true. He sees this as a way to divorce my brother from Talbot once and for all, and it keeps Phillip from being totally disinherited. It’s great for Phillip, and in a way, for Talbot Industries. But Father never expected him to go for the airport property. He thought he’d take something smaller, I’m sure.”

  “I don’t believe it! Phillip would never try to hurt you. He would never!” She shivered violently, hating the images of the West Bank’s destruction, remembering how she felt when she wasn’t sure whether Jake and April were safe. “What does Phillip say to this?” Kate asked, her mind racing. “And—and what about the vandalism? You can’t think…?”

  “Can’t I? Believe me, I’ve thought it all,” Jake grated harshly, lifting a hand for the waiter. He ordered another beer. Kate shook her head when he raised inquiring brows at her. She had hardly touched her Chianti as yet.

  Jake went on, “I haven’t talked to Phillip yet. I haven’t even asked him why he called Moss & Turner and wanted a new liaison to replace Sandra! Phillip hasn’t been around since I saw him last Saturday morning when he checked in to see if I was still ‘alive.’”

  “Oh, Jake!”

  The brand new bottle of beer came, and Jake took another long swallow, his mouth grim as he sat back in his chair. “He looks guilty as hell.”

  Kate absorbed all his news in shock. No wonder he had been unable to listen to her. Jake had been dealing with one crisis after another while she had been stewing about her lethal secret.

  “God, I’m glad I have you,” he admitted, his eyes a soft blue as he gazed at her with affection. “You’re the only person I completely trust.”

  Kate’s blood ran cold. “I’m—not perfect.”

  “Nobody is,” he concurred. “But you’re damn close.”

  “No, Jake, listen.” This time it was Kate who reached for his hands across the table. She clasped them both within her own, staring at him, her lips trembling. She had his full attention now that he had unburdened himself.

  Swallowing, she tried twice to speak, but the only sound that issued from her throat was a harsh croak.

  “What is it?” he coaxed, his interest quickening. “Katie?” he whispered with growing alarm as she still couldn’t speak. “Tell me!”

  “I can’t have another child, Jake,” she fought through lips as cold as a glacier. “I can’t get pregnant.”

  Chapter Eighteen

  It was hot as a blast furnace even though the sun was setting, and April wanted nothing more than to take a shower. But she had set up this evening with Ryan, and now she was stuck. They had started at a friend’s house, but everyone had been lying around listening to music, drinking, smoking and generally taking up space with nothing constructive to do. The girl’s parents were gone overnight, so she had invited everybody over. Some of the kids had part-time jobs, but most were ending the summer by just hanging out. School was starting next Tuesday, the day after Labor Day, and everybody was just waiting for the inevitable.

  Looking around, April shook her head and wondered if there was something wrong with her. What a bunch of losers! Yet, here she was, too. It was insane.

  “Let’s go back to my house,” April suggested to Ryan, who was nursing a beer but basically sober. She’d had nothing to drink. She didn’t want to stay here, and she had no intention of drinking and driving. Wouldn’t that be just great? Drinking underage and a DUI to boot!

  No, she hadn’t taken complete leave of her senses, but getting Ryan motivated had taken all her powers of persuasion. So, now they were seated on opposing wooden benches on the back patio, staring at each other, with absolutely nothing to say.

  The patio itself was sort of dilapida
ted, with an overhead trellis which once had been the training ground for some purple-petaled plant she couldn’t name, but now was overrun by a voracious brand of ivy. Consequently, it was dark as pitch, and only a chance reflection of moonlight off Ryan’s eyes now and again reassured her that he was even awake.

  “So, have you signed up for your SAT’s yet?” she asked, wincing a bit since she could almost predict the answer.

  “No.” He was terse.

  “But you’re taking them this November, right? I mean, you’ve got to pretty soon, or you can’t apply. At the University of Oregon, I hear housing’s really hard to get. As soon as you apply, you fill out a form and pay just to be put on a list. Then when they’re good and ready to assign housing, it’s first come, first served off that list.”

  Silence.

  “So, you’ve got to start early,” she finished lamely.

  “I’m not going,” he stated flatly.

  Her worst fears were confirmed. She felt deflated and let down. And while she tried to pull herself together, Ryan lit up another cigarette, its tip glowing red in the darkness.

  I want something to happen, April thought. Something wonderful. Something to guide me to my destiny.

  “I get to miss some school right off the bat,” she said, swallowing against an unaccustomed lump in her throat. “We’re still filming some commercials, and I’ll probably miss a couple days each week for a while.”

  “Do you want to quit seeing each other?” Ryan asked calmly.

  She wished she could read his expression. Her heart hurt. It wasn’t like they were having this mad love affair, or anything, not like Mom and Jake Talbot; but it mattered to her nonetheless, and it ached to think he could throw it away so casually. “Do you?” she asked.

  “It just sounds like you’re getting on my case.”

  “I’m just trying to find out what you’re thinking.”

  “I don’t know!” He sounded almost angry. “You always know, but it’s not like that for me, okay? I want to just get in my car and drive. I don’t want to think.”

  April’s heart was heavy. “But that doesn’t really work.”

  “My dad didn’t go get a regular job. He kind of drifted through college. He’s doing fine. We don’t all have to be corporate executives!”

  “I know that.”

  “That guy your mom’s seeing?” Ryan made a sound of impatience. “He’s not me, okay? So, if you think that’s what’s perfect, we might as well quit right now. I like you. You’re smart. But I’m not going to change for you, so forget it.”

  April wasn’t sure where that left her—except more confused than ever. Was she supposed to be the one to change? Was she giving up her youth for some impossible dream that the generation ahead of her was telling her she had to chase?

  While she pondered her dilemma, the lights in the living room came on.

  “Mom’s home,” she whispered.

  Ryan chose that moment to move to her bench, draping his arm around her shoulder, cuddling her close. It was just the attention April craved, and they sat in silence while he ground out his cigarette, each absorbed in their own thoughts.

  The living room window was directly above their heads, and it was slightly ajar. As April wondered if she should make her presence known, Mom’s and Jake’s voices filtered through the aperture.

  Their words froze her motionless.

  Jake’s first reaction to Kate’s news was relief. She had scared him so much with her fear, he hadn’t known what to expect! His second reaction was disappointment. He would never have a child, something he had always suspected but hoped wouldn’t come true.

  But Katie had just voiced his worst fears, and now she looked as if she were expecting the axe to fall.

  “It’s okay,” he told her. Her hands, holding his, were like ice.

  “I’m sorry,” she said in a voice choked with misery.

  “It’s all right,” he assured her.

  The tears that starred her eyes nearly broke his heart. He knew he had to get her out of the restaurant before she broke down completely. In retrospect he saw how much pressure he had inadvertently put on her when he had blurted out his heart’s desire.

  “Come on,” Jake urged gently, slipping back his chair.

  “No, I—I’ll be fine,” Kate murmured, swiping at tears that once started, seemed to rain down her fine cheekbones. “I haven’t finished.”

  People were staring. Though Kate was too focused on internal thoughts to notice, Jake could see their curious faces turning one after another. He tossed some money on the table.

  “Another outrageous tip?” she laughed, a bit hysterically.

  “Probably,” he conceded.

  They left without ordering, but Kate stopped to collect herself beneath Geno’s grape arbor, hugging the corner of the building. “I know having a child is very important to you,” she continued. “I know how much it means to me.”

  “Shhh.” He didn’t want her worrying anymore.

  “And it should be important,” she said urgently, raising tear-washed eyes to meet his own. “Maybe the most important, apart from loving someone.”

  “I can live without fatherhood. Don’t talk about it anymore.”

  “I want to. I need to. You don’t understand.”

  “Then I don’t want to understand,” Jake cut her off. “Katie, be quiet,” he ordered, as she shifted to her feet, wiping her hands down her skirt from the dirt of the building.

  “If you’d just let me explain.”

  She sounded as if she were about to break into out and out sobs, and it was more than Jake could take. Pressing a finger to her quivering lips, he pulled her into his arms and kissed her forehead. “I love you,” he said fiercely. “I don’t need a child to prove that.”

  “But Jake…,” she protested.

  “Don’t, Katie, for God’s sake. Come on, we’ll go to your place and flop down in front of the television or whatever, and we’ll just let everything go for now. Can you do that?”

  The sound from her lips was a combination of frustration and surrender. She bent her head and murmured something so softly that he couldn’t quite catch it. When she looked up again, her expression seemed defeated, but when he questioned her about it, she merely closed her eyes and shook her head.

  They drove around awhile because Kate hadn’t wanted to go home immediately. Time passed. Hours drifting by while he periodically tried to tell her everything was all right, and she couldn’t seem to listen.

  Now they were inside her living room, and Kate was turning on lights one by one. Her movements were stiff and robotlike. But even so Jake’s gaze feasted on this woman he wanted to make his wife.

  She wore a tan shirtdress and sandals. Her ankle bruising was a faint reminder of how short a time had elapsed since they had begun seeing each other again. But it was a lifetime of emotion, as far as Jake was concerned. Since Kate had stepped across the pages of his life again, he couldn’t wait for the next chapter.

  He moved his shoulder which was sore as blazes. He had a few war wounds these days, too. Maybe they were unhealthy for each other after all, he thought with a twist of his lips. No, he knew they were made for each other.

  Seeing her unhappiness, he blamed himself for being its cause. In time he would convince her that having a child was a distant second to having her. There was adoption, too, if they both felt strongly about the issue; but he wasn’t ready to look at that yet, and if it never happened he could still be happy.

  But for now, there was nothing more to be said on the subject. He had decreed to lighten Kate’s blue mood, and he intended to stick by his guns.

  However, he hadn’t planned on Kate’s fortitude and obsession in the matter until she said, “Having a child, your own child, is the most wondrous thing.”

  “Don’t talk about it,” he warned.

  “You think you’ll be giving that up, and I—”

  “I don’t care! Don’t you hear me? I’m sorry I made su
ch a big deal about it. It doesn’t matter.”

  “It does matter!”

  “Not as much as you think.”

  “Jake, I’m trying to tell you something, but you’re not letting me!”

  He expelled his breath in frustration. “I know what you’re trying to say.”

  “No, you don’t!”

  “I pushed you. I made it impossible for you to believe I could marry you knowing you can’t have any more children. I love you. I’ve always loved you,” he admitted. “You know that.”

  Kate whimpered in protest, pushing back the curtain of hair that kept slipping over her face. “Oh, Jake. You make this so hard!”

  “If you say you can’t have children, I believe you. I don’t care. I only want you.”

  “But I did have one child,” she broke in. “April.”

  He didn’t like being reminded that April was Ben’s daughter. For all his protests to the contrary, it did hurt that he would never sire a child. He would never say as much to Kate because it would hurt her so badly, though it was clear she already sensed he was half lying to spare her.

  “Ben wanted another child,” she said, her voice shaking a bit. “But I couldn’t have any more. He’d always loved April. From the moment he learned about her.” She stood in front of the windows, staring into a black night lit only by a crescent moon.

  “She was his daughter.”

  “He wanted another one,” she stated, as if he were keeping her mind from staying on track, and she was struggling to remain focused. “April was—” She caught her lower lip between her teeth. “She was not—”

  “A boy?” Jake cut in, suddenly thinking he knew where this was headed.

  “No!”

  “You don’t have to go into all this, Katie. And don’t try to talk me out of marrying you just because you can’t have a baby.”

  “Jake, it’s you who won’t want to marry me! I’ve kept a secret from you. A terrible secret, but I didn’t mean to. It just happened, and I let it happen because I was so—alone and helpless!”

  Her face was full of anguish. Somewhere inside himself he felt a terrible fear. Nameless. A misery beyond bearing that broke his skin out in goose bumps and tortured Kate’s beautiful face.