by T. S. Ryder
The Bear pushed aside the blackberry tangles and laid next to her. She didn't wake, but curled into his belly, her fingers digging into his fur. He wrapped himself around her the best he could, wishing he could do more than provide her warmth. What would she remember in the morning?
Despite the terror of the night, he could not deny that there was an excitement that beat against his chest. Her Wolf returning from being purged. Would it stay? Maybe it would bring her memories with it.
When the sun rose and Mary still hadn't awakened, Andre suppressed his Bear and gathered her into his arms, trying his best not to jostle her. She leaned into his chest, her eyes fluttering open as he lifted her.
"Put me down," she mumbled, wrapping an arm around his neck. "I can walk and I'm too heavy to carry."
Andre shook his head. "You're perfect."
"Not what I meant." She laid her head on his shoulder.
With a sigh, she drifted off again. Andre's brows furrowed as he picked up his pace. The transformation always filled her with energy in months past, not drained her like this. Was this because her Wolf was exhausted from having to fight its way to the moon?
When he reached the truck, he wrapped her in a sleeping bag and dressed in the same clothes he'd been borrowing from her. They hadn't wanted to take the time to go shopping before this, but now they didn't have a choice. They had nothing left to wear.
***
By the time he bought new clothes for them both and they were out of the city again, Mary was awake.
"I'm sorry," she said, twisting the hem of her new shirt in her hands. "I don't know what happened last night, but I can see it wasn't pleasant."
She touched one of the bites on his neck.
Andre's heart sank a little, but he managed a smile at her. "What do you remember from last night?"
"Being afraid. It was like a nightmare. I was afraid that they were going to bury me in a black hole but I don't know who they were…" Her gaze flickered over the bites on his shoulders and neck. "I remember enough to know I wasn't…. human."
"I'm fine. We Bears heal very quickly. Don't worry about me."
Mary turned away. She was visibly shaking, so Andre pulled her into his arms, wanting to reassure her. She remained stiff but allowed him to hold her.
"What about the baby?" Her voice cracked.
"What?"
Mary looked up at him with tear-filled eyes. "The baby. That transformation. What if something happened to the baby because of it?"
"Shifters like you and me have babies all the time. The shifting between forms has never harmed them." He tucked a strand of her shoulder-length dyed auburn hair behind her ear. "You don't have to worry."
"I bet normal shifting isn't like that, though." Mary shivered a little. "It's not that… violent."
Andre nodded slowly. It was true. The involuntary change Wolves went through on the full moon could very well be more dangerous than normal shifting, especially in Mary's case. His hand pressed to her stomach, wishing he could sense if their baby was alright, or if the change had hurt it. "We'll stop at the emergency room in the next town. Okay?"
Mary shook her head. "Too far away. We need to go back to the city we just left."
"Okay." Andre wrapped his arms around her again. She was right. It was a better idea to know for certain than to continue to worry about it. "Okay, we'll do that."
Even after they went to the emergency room and the doctors assured her that everything was fine with the baby, Mary still shivered. The fear from the previous night was still seeping in her bones. She did not want to sit still or be near others, in case they were the ones that had hurt her before.
For the past two months, she had remembered nothing about her past. She had woken up in a hospital with a strange man leaning over her, telling her she had been in an accident. That man, David, had claimed to be her husband. Mary had believed him, even though it sounded wrong.
After all, he was there. He had their apartment and bills with their names on them. She even had a job. Everything had felt like fresh paint on an old park bench. It felt like if she scratched deep enough she would see the splinters and it would all fall apart.
It was only a few days since she had met Andre and learned the truth. She was a Wolf, he was a Bear, and apparently they were soulmates. It sounded right, felt like the truth, but she still questioned her sanity for believing it, even after being attacked by a polar bear.
Until last night.
A shudder ran up her spine as she remembered the call of the moon, the loss of control as something inside her followed that call and melded with her mind. But worse were the memories that it brought with it, the memories that still cluttered her mind.
"Stop."
They were almost at the city limits again, and Andre's brow furrowed as he looked at her. "Mary, we have to get going."
"If another Bear like that Grant Easton was going to attack us, it would have attacked us last night." She couldn’t believe her own words, but her heart was pounding against her chest and her head spun. "I have to get out of this truck!"
She reached for the door handle. Andre stomped on the breaks, sending her jerking forward. The seatbelt caught her, choking her, and she fought with it. Andre was next to her suddenly, putting his arms around her. He did not physically restrain her, but as his warmth enveloped her, she felt safe. Truly safe. Finally safe. Mary leaned against him, shaking uncontrollably.
Andre stroked her hair, rocking her gently. "What do you remember?"
"Pain," she blurted. "It hurt so much. Like my soul was being ripped in half. I remember now… I remember my Wolf being purged. I never thought of us as two separate beings until then. And now it's afraid and angry and… I remember your face. I remember thinking about you while it was being purged and I remember wondering why you weren't there to stop them."
Andre flinched but didn't say anything.
Mary burrowed herself deeper into his chest. "Andre. Andre. I'm so afraid. I'm afraid that when I fall asleep and wake up, I'll have forgotten everything again."
"You won't. I promise you won't. You are going to be fine, my love. I love you. I won't let anybody hurt you again."
The promise helped ease her shivering. She inhaled his tree-like scent and turned her face towards his neck. She could feel his pulse beneath her lips. More than anything, at that moment, she wanted her body joined to his. She wanted to feel his strength, to be filled with his warmth.
"Andre," she whispered, staring into his eyes.
His gaze was tender as he looked back. "What do you need me to do?"
"I want you inside of me. But not here, not in this truck. I want to be someplace safe, someplace with walls between me and the world. Please. Please."
He stroked her hair and pressed a kiss to her mouth. "We need to go—"
"No! We need to… I need to feel that connection. I need to be with you."
"You are with me."
She shook her head. "That's not what I mean."
He looked hesitant.
"Please."
He kissed her. "We'll stay in a hotel tonight."
He sighed, and it seemed like he was going to say more, but was silent.
As they returned to the city, Mary remained tense, wrapping her arms around herself. Maybe it would be better to find some place in the woods to make love like they had before. Maybe the city was more dangerous than being under the clear blue sky.
Soon they were in a hotel room, high above the city on the sixth floor. The sound of traffic was present but muffled. Mary felt the fear in her chest loosening. It was safe here with Andre next to her. Nobody would be able to find or hurt her.
More importantly, if the Wolf came back, it couldn't hurt anybody.
She sat on the queen bed that was situated right in the middle of the room under a large, abstract painting. When she patted the space beside her, Andre hesitated.
"Maybe it would be better for you to just rest. It was a hard night for you."
Mary's gaze traced the shallow bite marks on his neck. "If you don't want to—"
"It's not that I don't want to." Andre knelt in front of her, taking her hands in his. He kissed her fingertips. "I just… after last night, I don't know why you would want to." He laughed, his face going red. "I guess I'm afraid that you're just doing this because you think that's what I want."
"Dear Andre." She cupped his face in both her hands. "I love you. But after last night, there's a part of me that is afraid. When I'm in your arms, I'm not so afraid. If you think I should just rest, I can do that—"
He cut her off with a searing kiss to her mouth. She took that as meaning he wanted her as much as she wanted him and kissed back, wrapping her arms around him. He leaned forward, parting her knees with his chest. The last remnants of the cold that had filled her the previous night dissolved in the heat he gave her and she closed her eyes. She let the pleasant sparks beneath her skin wash away the memories of pain that flashed through her brain.
He drew back slightly and her heart fluttered. Andre grinned at her, sliding his hands under her shirt. Mary moaned and began tugging it off, but Andre caught the hem and held it in place. He shook his head.
"Not this time, Mary. This time, I am giving the orders, got it?"
Another moan but Mary made herself nod. There was a tantalizing, teasing quality to Andre's movements that kept her still while her hands clenched into the blankets beneath her. His hands found her breasts under her shirt, shifting her bra up so that his warm, strong fingers could knead her soft flesh. Each touch was like an explosion under her skin and Mary let her head fall back.
Andre lifted her shirt over her head. The cool air brushing over her skin made her shiver, but it was quickly replaced by the warmth of his breath. Mary smiled and brushed her fingers through his hair, loving the silky texture of it.
His palm pressed between her knees. Gently at first, but then getting harder and harder. Heat built in her core and it was all she could do to keep herself still. She clung to him while he trailed kisses between her breasts. She bit the inside of her mouth, closing her eyes. He's the one deciding what we do.
It felt… exhilarating, giving control to him. Knowing he'd keep her safe.
His movements were gentle and slow as he undressed her. His fingers played around her, dancing around their mark, stroking gently. Mary molded herself to him. Her fingers digging into his shirt as a cry burst from her throat. Tremors built in her stomach and shot up her legs. She felt something inside her shift, that thing that woke with the moon. She heard a distant howl. It was her Wolf calling for him.
But the call was safe. The Wolf wouldn't push her aside. It wouldn't attack.
And then they were joined and moving together, one flesh. Mary stared into Andre's eyes. Her Wolf welled inside her, answering a call that came from Andre's soul. But there was still fear somewhere inside. Even as she and Andre tumbled off the edge together, her Wolf retreated and she could no longer feel it.
When they were finished, they lay side-by-side. Mary's eyes were closed. She didn't want to think, but the thoughts still chased themselves around her skull. How was she supposed to get her Wolf back? Did she even want it back? And her memories–could she get them back without her Wolf? Or were they connected?
Andre's breath was warm on her neck. "What are you thinking?"
She didn't want to ruin the moment with her confused thoughts, so she smiled. "Is that normally how it is? I only have that one memory of the two of us together. It was good, but I think this was even better."
"Normally you're in control," he replied, nibbling at her neck again.
"You don't mind that?"
Andre rested on his elbow and stroked her hair from her face. "Did you mind?"
She shook her head.
"Neither do I. That said, I really did enjoy being in control this time."
Mary laughed. As his arms snaked around her again, she leaned into his warmth, letting her body relax. The horrors that flashed through her memories did not seem so bad now. The future might bring her Wolf and her memories, but maybe that wasn't so important... Whatever had happened was over and she was with the one she loved now. Her eyes drifted shut and she played that thought over and over in her mind.
I'm with Andre. That's all that matters.
Chapter Thirty Nine
The air was cool and humid. Hills surrounded them, forested by evergreens and the occasional poplar or birch. Nerves jittered in Mary's stomach as she twisted her hands. Andre wasn't even certain that her siblings would be at the lake they were headed towards.
"They had been in an inn out on the prairies," Andre explained. "But when Easton found me, there was a chance he had found them as well. This was our secondary place to go to. Whether they trust me enough to go here is another question."
Mary nodded, not listening. The strobe light was like sunlight peeking through the trees that lined the road. It sent nausea rippling through her stomach.
When Andre pulled out of the trees onto a stony beach, Mary deliberately ignored the people that stopped to stare at them. The lake stretched to the horizon though there were inlets and islands covered in trees that partly broke up the view. The rippling water was a bright aqua-blue. Silver flashes of waves rolled against the beach.
A dozen or so tents were set up along the tree line. Extra tarps stretched between the trees sheltering a propane stove, a few coolers and neatly organized fishing rods and tackle.
"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Mary turned her gaze back to Andre.
"They might be able to help you remember. And even if they can't, I need you to be safe while I go find your brother."
Her brother Peter. He was being held prisoner by Bears. Andre was going to get him back.
Mary's brow furrowed. She didn't want Andre to go, but he had to leave. Peter was the best choice for starting a new Wolf community, one that didn't treat its daughters the way she had been treated, one that didn't keep all their children uneducated, with no knowledge of the outside world.
"But you'll be back before the full moon?" She didn't want to be here. With these strangers, she might attack when the moon drew her Wolf forwards again.
"I don't see why it would take me that long."
By this time, the people who had been milling around the tents were rushing towards them. Mary could make out her name being shouted. She finally focused on them.
They ranged in ages from a few years younger than her to a little boy who had to be barely two years old. All had pale skin and bright eyes. Mary caught glimpses of herself in their cheeks, mouths, ears. But unlike her curvy body, all of these people were lean and wiry.
"I don't want to be here," Mary gasped, but Andre opened the door as she spoke and she didn't know if he heard her.
A girl of about sixteen yanked open her door. Before Mary could move, threw her arms around her.
"I knew he'd find you! I knew it! Peter said he was your soulmate, so I knew he would bring you home!"
Mary let the girl pull her out of the car. Instantly she was swarmed by the siblings she didn't remember. All their faces blurred in front of her as she struggled to remember the names Andre had told her. She eventually just gave up and pushed through the crowd to the Bear, molding herself to his side.
"I think Mary is tired," the oldest girl–Mary remembered her name was Julia–said loudly. She clapped a couple of times and began shooing the rest of them away. The older boys ignored her and the small ones began to whine. A boy of thirteen kicked Julia's shin and Mary's jaw dropped.
No wonder she had run away from this! She glanced at Andre. Will our child be like this?
As Julia started shouting to be heard over the racket, the older boys began laughing. Blood rushed to Mary's face.
"That is enough!" Andre called.
The older ones flinched and they all fell silent
Andre glared at the older boys. "Help your sister. And you," he pointed at the boy kicking Julia
, "stop that this instant!"
The three older boys looking perturbed, moved in among the younger children, taking their hands and beginning to pull away. The thirteen-year-old twisted away from them and glared at Mary.
"We're just trying to say hello!"
Andre opened his mouth, but Mary put her hand in his. "I can do this."
He nodded.
"I know you're all excited to see me," Mary began awkwardly. "But you have to remember that I don't remember any of you. So just… behave, okay?"
"But why did you leave at all?" the kicking boy whined.
Maybe because you think it's acceptable to kick your sister, Mary thought, but only said, "I don't remember."
Between Julia and the older boys, the younger children were soon herded back to the camp. A few of them ran towards the lake and Julia chased after them. The older boys, throwing glances over their shoulders, grabbed their fishing gear.
Mary turned to Andre. "I'm not staying here."
"It'll only be for a little while," he promised.
"At least leave me the truck so I can get away if I need to."
"I can't. I rented it with a stolen credit card, and I have to get rid of it before it's tracked down." He wrapped his arms around her. "I can stay for a little while, Mary. And I will be back for you. I promise."
***
That night after the little children had been put to bed, the rest of them sat in a circle with flashlights. Mary sat next to Andre, keeping distance between herself and her siblings. The Bear kept an arm around her, worried that this would all be too overwhelming for her.
So far she had made no indication that any of it sparked any recognition. Hoping it would bring back memories was the main reason to return her to her siblings. At least it had been, until the full moon. Now they had to learn to deal with that, if she never got her memories back.
Maybe this was a bad idea, Andre thought. Maybe we should have just cut our losses and run away, leaving all this behind.