by Nikki Prince
I mean who wouldn’t want to kiss her? She has the sweetest lips I’ve ever tasted. Roxie honestly, just makes me feel alive. I struggle every day to feel human and then that struggle is alleviated by thoughts of my angel.
There’s still some time before go to see her. So, I get into position on the floor to do pushups. I want to feel the burn of exercise. Staying in shape brings focus as well. I work out till the pain and the burn of it takes my mind to another place. I do so many repetitions that my arms and legs are burning. This is the zone where I want to be…A zone that keeps me so tired, I can’t think about the pain and memories.
I want to make new memories. Memories that involve a certain dark skinned beauty who makes my heart sing. If I have my way, that is what’s going to happen. New memories and a new life with the woman I care for beyond measure.
Fuck! I need to stop being a pussy and at least admit it to myself. I love her. I’ve loved her since we were teens and at this point—I know I’m going to love her till the day I died.
Chapter 10
Roxie
What a wonderful night I had with Cruz. It put me on cloud nine for the night on into the next morning. I got up and took a quick shower, putting on a light dab of makeup, some jeans and a t-shirt with tennis shoes, all this at the bright and early time of six am. Today is my day off, well sort of, I still needed to go and take care of mom till the nurse came. I’m supposed to go on errands today, so Kathy Demery the nurse would be coming to take care of mom after she finished with her own agenda.
Kathy or Aunt Kathy as we’d been told to call her. When I was younger, she’d been a nurse way before my mom got sick. She just happened to take over the job as mom’s nurse when we needed one.
She’s mom’s live in nurse. She spends time away when I’m off, so she could have some sort of life too. I’d be lying if I said I looked forward to taking care of Mom. I didn’t. Mom always treated Kathy better than she treated me. She acted horrible towards me and always had since that night. The night when Macy took her own life—a night which gave me nightmares ever since. Kathy might just be as bad as my Mom though. I refused to call her aunt once I reached eighteen and it seemed to be a definite bone of contention.
I head to the kitchen. Mom would be calling for her scrambled eggs and toast soon. I always tried to be on top of it, hoping she wouldn’t go into one of her fugues. It wasn’t necessarily a remedy for it, because anything could set her off. I just tried to keep things on a regimen that would keep her on an even keel.
I make quick work of the eggs, toast and orange juice, then head down the long hall to her room with the tray. She was up I can hear her. My hands are clenching the tray so tight, they ache. I’d been trying to stay focused on the fact that I’d be seeing Cruz later. I do feel excited about it. I stood at my mom’s closed door and close my eyes, breathing deeply to calm my nerves.
“I hear you creeping out there! Get in here. I want my damn breakfast!”
I shake my head, opening my eyes. Mom seems to be in rare form. My luck, I get to see her at her finest. I push the door open with my foot and walk toward the bed where she sits amongst the covers. Her long black hair in curls around her shoulders. I want to calm her I have to at least try. “Good morning momma, I have your eggs scrambled soft just like you like them.” I set the tray in front of her.
With jaundiced eyes she looks down at the tray and then back at me, a sneer on her stroke deformed lips. My mother’s body is so filled with hate the beauty she’d once been is gone. She had a stroke a long while back and she’s now diabetic. Mom isn’t a small woman by any means and not the most healthy either.“I’m sure they will taste like shit.”
Even with her cursing me as I put a napkin in her lap and set out her silverware for her to use, I kept a straight face, crying inside all the while. This isn’t how a mother is supposed to be with her child. I don’t answer her. I can’t, it feels like egg shells are gliding down my throat. It’s how it always feels when she berates me like she does. I wonder why I don’t put her in a home. I know why—she’s my mother and even with all the ugliness, I always felt that family should take care of family.
She’s the last line of family I have. Her and my father both had been only children, so I have no grandparents to speak of as they’d died when I was a lot younger. Mom and dad had me late in life and my mother isn’t getting younger…she’s going downhill and getting worse all the time. I wanted to yell at her that she’d better get right with her world before she died—but I couldn’t scream such horrible things at her.
“Not going to say anything girl? I thought not. Now go turn on my TV. My stories are supposed to be coming on.”
I glance over at her and she’s picking up her fork to eat.
Right next to her sat the remote, where she could’ve easily turned on the television herself. Though, if she picked it up and messed with it, she would usually get all frustrated and throw a tantrum like a little kid.
I didn’t dare bother her with giving it to me, I get up and turn on the TV, then put in a DVD of her stories. My mother is hooked on all the soaps that came on, but she never realizes it’s too early to watch them or that the DVD is playing the same ones over and over again. I just loop it to continue, so it would hopefully soothe the savage beast that lie just beneath the surface.
“When you finish messing with the TV, tell Macy to come in here. I need to talk to a daughter who loves me.”
I stiffen. Here we go. My stomach clenches and I feel very, nauseous. She’s going to rage on about her daughter. I stay where I am for a minute and just close my eyes while breathing deeply, then I turn slowly back to see my mom eating her dry toast and eggs.
“What are you looking at girl? Move! My shows are on and you’re blocking them.”
I note how she’s already forgotten about Macy. Her disease is so strange. One moment, my mother would have clarity and in the next, she could be mixing up memories with reality. Her reality truly is that she is going down fast. I’m thankful the queasy feeling in my stomach fades.
The stroke permanently marked her face and one side of her body, then her mind isn’t always focused or there. She would remember things from the past and mix them with what was happening in the now. It’s scary and worrisome. I mean I don’t hate her, but she’s damaged me so much—I don’t know how to love her. This damage has me worried that I can’t love anyone.
Thinking about that—brings Cruz to my mind. What if he wants more than I can give him? What if he doesn’t? Maybe this is just a way for him to relive his childhood and then he’ll be satisfied. God, my mind is so full of maybes and what if’s I think I’m going to go crazy. The butterflies start up again, and I can’t help the full smile that spreads across my face at the thought of him.
“Who are you mooning over? I heard that—that boy Cruz Montoya is back. You’d better steer clear of him.”
I frown and glance over at my mom.
Her eyes look crazy and there were eggs resting on her muumuu. My mother used to be so beautiful. I think all the hatred inside of her is finding its way to the surface.
How the hell did she know he was back? This was why I hadn’t wanted Cruz to step foot in this house. Machelle Waters. Didn’t she realize I was old enough to decide who I was going to be with? I shake my head, biting my tongue and walk away, heading out of her room, I close the door on her screaming and fussing at me.
She went on about how I’d better come back and that she was still my mother. The sad thing is I don’t think my mother ever understood that just because she birthed me—it didn’t make her a real mother.
I couldn’t take her ranting right now. I would wait a little for her to finish her food, then go in and check on her. I’ll need to make sure she makes it to the bathroom and she’ll also need to be washed up. I head back to the kitchen to make myself some oatmeal and coffee. Then, sit at the table, looking out the small window. We live in the same house where Macy died and daddy left. Why? At the time
, my mom refused to move and I was a minor so I stayed. Afterward, it just became old hat. I should’ve moved out a long time ago, but once mom got sick, I couldn’t stop the feeling of obligation.
Macy—I miss Macy even though it’s been as long as it has. People who say that it will just fade with time, don’t know what the hell they’re talking about. It doesn’t fade. You learn to live day by day without that person’s smile, laughter, hugs and kisses and even their anger but you don’t ever let them just fade away. I couldn’t—she’d been my confidante, my sister and my friend. I miss my girl, but I know whatever plagued and haunted her is over for her now. She used to write in this journal. I always wondered what might be in it, but after her death, I put it in a lock box and haven’t opened it. I’m too scared to see what’s in it.
Her pain had to be huge or she wouldn’t have killed herself. The hard part now is that the anniversary of her death was coming up and real soon. I wonder if I should read it, so I can put a little closure on the situation. Picking up my spoon, I stir the quickly congealing oatmeal. I’m not hungry but I know I need to eat something. The first bite goes down a little hard, ‘cause it’s starting to get cold, but I force myself. So, I dig in and let my mind go blank at least for a few precious moments.
Chapter 11
Cruz
I lean against the trunk of my car and wait for Roxie. I was early, but I wanted to get out of my room. Being outside felt great…a good way to clear my head. Given too much time to think, sometimes wasn’t a good thing for me. I tried to exercise myself into a coma, so I could possibly get more sleep but it hadn’t worked. So then, I threw myself into my writing.
In order to stay afloat since my honorable discharge, I write articles for newspapers and magazines for a living. It doesn’t pay a lot but it pays enough so I can live comfortably. I spent the rest of the day writing those articles to get to one of the newspapers I wrote for back east. It’s always a relief to use words to battle the ghosts.
My mind is always racing, always in the need of something to capture it. Mostly, it’s thoughts of Roxanne and then other times, it’s the articles I write on depression, the war and abuse. Going to counseling is another way to help myself. I know that in order to succeed in this life, and not descend into the darkness trying to capture me, is to be on my toes about everything.
I became so caught up in my thoughts, I didn’t hear Roxie walk up until she said my name softly. Her voice seemed like cotton candy. So sweet, like honey. I intended to stand up, but she comes closer and stands between my legs. She wraps her arms around my neck and presses her body against mine. The scent of roses swirls around me and takes over my senses. She smells so wonderful. Still, Roxie didn’t say anything she held on to me and touches her lips to mine. I lower my hands and cup her sweet ass with a groan. The sweet depths of her mouth tempt me beyond reason and I utter another groan.
Roxie peeks at me from beneath her long beautiful lashes, her sugar brown eyes bright with hunger.
I reach up and caress her cheek. I want to take it further, then I remember where we are as a car drove into the lot. “Come on Rox, let’s get to Farleys.” I need to get us out of here before I do something stupid. I turn and take her hand in mine.
Roxie tugs me back to her. “I’m sorry—wait no, I’m not sorry. I’ve been thinking about you all night and all morning. Cruz, you’re all I’ve thought about. You’re in my head and in my soul.” She brought one hand to my forearm and rubs it.
I lean in and give her a kiss to her cheek, not trusting myself to kiss those lips again. “Thank you. It was a wonderful greeting. If I could, I’d take it further. That’s the reason why we really should go get that cheesecake, instead of standing here and kissing, because I really don’t want to stop.”
Roxie’s face looks expectant.
I caught her chin between my thumb and forefinger, stroking gently.
Her breath caught and her lips parted slightly. “You’re right, we really have to go.”
“Yeah, we really, really have to go or I’ll be taking you to room 360.” I grip her hand like a drowning man desperate to hang onto my salvation and take her to my car. Opening the door, I wait till she gets in, then go to the driver’s side to get in.
“Do you think our need for each other is so heightened because we never fully did anything as kids?”
“That could be part of it. I find you extremely attractive and you’re all I’ve thought about for years.” I start up the car and head towards Farleys. It feels imperative that I keep her out in public. This way, I wasn’t tempted to do anything. Roxie seems amenable I could tell. She wants more than kisses—just like I do.
“Have there been other women?”
The dreaded question hit me and I pause for a second, wondering what I should say and what I shouldn’t. “Of course there has, Roxie. I’m sure there have been other men. It would be crazy to think we hadn’t experimented.”
“I’m not just talking sexually, Cruz. I’m not silly enough or stupid to think you haven’t had sex. You say I’m all you thought about. There haven’t been any other women in your life that you wanted to take things serious with?”
“There has been plenty of sex. Did I think I was in love with any of them?” I shake my head. “No. I have always recognized that things with the others weren’t serious. You?” My stomach clenches. I don’t want to hear her say she’s been in love before. As selfish as it may seem, I want to be the only one she will love.
Do I believe she’s a virgin? Hell fucking no. Roxie had been a very curious girl when we’d been growing up and there’s nothing wrong with that at all. I’m not old fashioned enough to believe she should stay pure and only for me. No, but I am old fashioned enough to say that I want her to be my last and for me to be the same for her.
“You passed Farleys.”
“Shit, yes I did.” I look for another way to turn around.
Roxie’s hand covers one of mine on the steering wheel. “Are you really hungry right now?”
“No…” I say as I continue to drive.
“Then, take me to hookup point, I’m not hungry either.”
Hookup Point…I hadn’t been there since I was a teen. It’s actually called West Valley View because you could see out to the ocean from the point where you stood. It was quite beautiful there. Kids had been going there forever to hookup as it were. “I can’t believe it’s still there.”
She laughs. “It’s like a city institution. I think when even you and I are gone, it’ll still be around.”
“You really want to go there?” I sneak a peek at her.
She’s staring directly at me with her big brown eyes. “Yes, I really want to go there. I don’t want to be with other people right now. I want to be with you. Can you handle that Cruz Montoya?”
The way she says my full name always did set me on edge and it’s no different right now. She turns me on and she was running with it. “I can handle it. We’ll have to see how much you can handle.”
“You’d be surprised about all that I’ve had to handle these 9 years.”
There is no way she’s just talking about sex. Roxie is an intelligent woman. The whole package and I want that. Hookup Point here we come.
***
I don’t know what’s come over me. I just sat there watching him drive and the need to touch him and to be held by him became overwhelming. Food could wait, but my touching him could not. I place my hand on his thigh closest to me and the muscles tense beneath but he doesn’t say anything nor does he move my hand. I squeeze gently and he grunts. I chuckle.
“You’re not playing fair.”
“I didn’t realize that this was a game.”
“Shit, Roxie. We’re not kids anymore.”
He really didn’t have to tell me that. I could taste it in every kiss and feel it in every touch. We weren’t kids anymore he’s so right about that. “Mm-hmm that’s what you keep saying. I’m not hungry for food, but I am hungry to taste your lips
again. We’re at the age where going around in circles won’t work.” He could help me to forget the ugliness that surrounded my life. Was it fair to do this without him knowing the reasons behind it? I don’t know, but I’m going to move forward and I guess I’ll find out.
Chapter 12
Roxie
Cruz parks in the dirt on the side of the road and I wait for him to turn the car off before I get out of the seatbelt. I didn’t give him any time to react, I just move over until I was in his lap, staring up at him.
“Damn girl—you don’t waste any time.”
“I told you what I wanted. Did you expect me to?” I cup the back of his neck with my hands, stroking the skin under his long curly strands. He’s hard beneath my butt and I can’t help but tease him as I wiggle.
Cruz groans. “I shouldn’t have expected you to, that’s for sure. Now as far as teasing me by squirming in my lap—I think you’d better stop. The consequences that come with that action, I’m willing to bet you’re not ready to cash in on that yet.”
He’s right and I stop my wiggling. I want the kissing and the heavy petting. I didn’t want to have sex in a car. The first time with him, I wanted it to be special if there is going to be a first time. Who am I fooling, no matter what happens between us emotionally—physically there is going to be a first time.
He chuckles. “Now kiss me, like you mean it.”
“I always mean it.” I say with a smirk on my lips.
“Shhh, you’re talking too damn much.” Cruz leans forward and places his lips inches from mine.
All it takes is for me to lift my head and we’re kissing. I thrust my tongue into his mouth, and this time, I’m the insistent one. He acts more relaxed, just letting me have my way. I have to admit, I like the power of it all. For the first time in a long time, I’m actually doing something I want to do, other than what’s expected of me. It had been expected for me to pick up the slack when Macy died…Then, I was supposed to forget her and move on. Next, people expected me to take care of my mother and to run the motel. So many expectations that I want to explode. I nip his bottom lip, then suck on it.