by Nikki Prince
“Cruz, you are such a special man.”
“So, they tell me.” I tease.
She giggles then hiccups. “Still want me? I’m sure my eyes are all puffy from tears and my nose is runny.”
“Girl, I want every part of you. Happy, sad or angry. We belong together.”
She slowly moves her hands over my arms, and tangles her legs with mine.
This is my signal that all is well and she wants to make love. It is no longer sex for us anymore. Our need has blossomed into love.
This is my girl. I recognize her as my soul mate. Now getting her to that point is foremost on my agenda. I stop thinking and just allow myself to be. I make love to her and even though she doesn’t say it—she feels exactly the same. I feel it in every kiss, every touch and every glance.
She’s mine and I’m hers.
Chapter 24
Roxie
Last night was magical. It wasn’t hurried. Cruz kissed my tears away and made love to me. Love. I was honestly beginning to believe him. He loves me and I love him. What terrifies me was keeping that love. We were already used to dysfunction. What happens when times get tough? The one who says they love you—leaves. The thought of him leaving me feels unbearable.
In as much I hate what my mother and father’s dysfunction has done to me, breaking the cycle is high on my list of to do’s. I couldn’t hold on to the past anymore. If I did, I’d lose him. I’ll tell him soon, that I’ve made up my mind and I want to be with him. I just need to tie up the loose ends of Macy’s death and my mother’s care.
I sigh with relief as I sit down at the break table in the motel. I open up the small container with my salad and mixed in the cut up pieces of chicken…it looks so good. I feel so hungry. It would be a nonstop day with people wanting a room, people checking out. It felt nice to have a little peace and quiet for a change.
Cruz told me he needs to get some work done on stories that he had pending, so I probably wouldn’t see him till later. I have a lot of things to do at the motel anyways, so it works for me, though I found myself thinking of him often. I smile to myself a lot. It’s hard to not think of him. He’s so sexy and so into me.
“What’s that smile for? I hope it’s because that gorgeous man you’re with has knocked some sense into you,” Candy says.
“Shit! You scared me to death, Candy. You need to announce when you’re coming into a room, instead of ninja-ing up on someone. Damn!” I hold my hand to my chest and sigh as I try to calm myself.
Candy giggles softly and flounces down in the seat across from me with her lunch. She sets it down and pins me with a stare. “So, tell me what’s up. I’ve told you that I’m tired of hiding shit from your mother and nurse. You’re too old to have them running your life like this. Why can’t you be with who you want to be with? So please, please tell me that you’re close to making a decision?”
I grimace as Candy fires the questions at me. Pushing my salad away, I cross my arms. “I appreciate all that you’ve done for Cruz and I. I really do Candy. I won’t ask you to cover for me anymore. It wasn’t right for me to do it anyways.
“That doesn’t answer my question Ro.” She crosses her arms over her chest and the look on her face says she’s ready for a challenge if I want to give her one.
“I’m close to making a decision as I ever have been. I told Cruz to give me time to read the diary Macy left and to figure out what to do with my mom.”
“Um…pardon my callousness but why is there anything to figure out with your mother? She’s always been horrible for as long as I can remember. I know it’s your mother and you’d like some sort of relationship but at this point in your life, do you think it’s going to really happen?”
The weight of all of it seems almost too much as I talked to Candy. “This isn’t easy for me Candy.”
“No, I imagine it isn’t Ro—”
I hold my hand up to cut her off. “You asked, now please let me speak. I’ve never wanted anything but for my mother to love me and to at the very least, show me some respect.”
“I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news but your mother doesn’t even respect herself, she never has.”
“I don’t need a reminder of that from you.”
“No you don’t, ‘cause you live with it every day. You’re going to lose Cruz if you don’t deal with her Ro. That’s all I’m saying. I love you. I just want you to be happy.”
“I love you too. We’ve been friends a long time. Our friendship extends back to the year after Cruz left. You became my bestie from first meet.”
“It’s the main reason I’m telling you like it is. I’ve seen how Cruz is with you. He truly does care about you.”
“We are both so bad off.”
“Does that mean you both don’t need love? Or that you can’t care for one another?”
“No, ‘cause we do. He’s told me and I’ve told him the same.”
“Then, you’d better figure out what you’re going to do and quick. Men like Cruz Montoya aren’t a dime a dozen. He’s the real deal.”
I take a drink of soda and nod my head. She’s right. Cruz really is the real deal. So, I need to get my shit together and make it right, or I would lose the best thing to ever happen to me. I pick my fork up again to eat my salad. I wonder if Cruz realizes that he has a champion in Candy. I myself see her as mine. She’s saved me on many occasions from breaking down after things went south with my mother. I owe her so much. She was there for me when I lost my sister.
Candy now opens her lunch…my clue that she’s done with the lecture at least for now. Everything Candy did for me, she did it out of love. She’s a firecracker but she’s also as loyal as anyone could ever be. The sweetest person ever and would fight for someone till the very end. It really is a great thing she’s on my side and I wasn’t at the receiving end of her true anger.
“Going to see him tonight?” She asks.
“Yeah, later on. He has some writing he needs to get done but we plan to get together at the room. Besides, I don’t leave here till midnight anyways today.”
“Why do you work here Ro?”
“What do you mean? It’s my family’s business.”
“True, but you make enough that you can hire someone to take the spot and just reap the benefits.”
“Well, for me it ties me to my father. So, I always think of it as a way to make him proud.”
Candy nods her head. “That’s another can of worms.”
I laugh. “Mm-hmm, it is.” From my mother, father to the man in my life I was in desperate need. My life is fucked up. She’s so on the money with that statement. I’m twenty-five years old and it’s the beginning of a new world for me. I just need to reach out and grab it. Baby steps. That’s what I was going to take. Baby steps.
“Hey.”
“Yeah, Candy?” I look up from my salad.
“If you fuck up…can I have Cruz?” She giggles and crosses her eyes at me.
I fall into a peal of laughter with her.
Chapter 25
Cruz
Damn, today is turning out to be a rather long day. I flip through a magazine that was left in the waiting room of my therapist’s office and try to clear my thoughts. It’s silly, seeing as I’m here to see the shrink to analyze those very thoughts. I told Roxie that I was writing today. I don’t know why I told her I was writing, instead of this appointment. It’s stupid but I just felt the desire to hold this to myself.
“Christopher Montoya.”
I shudder as the receptionist calls out my given name. I stopped going by that name years ago. Before the arrest even. Cruz fit me better. It embodies everything I’ve become. I stand up like a good soldier and march off to my therapist’s office. Once inside, I’m told to take a seat by the receptionist and she leaves, closing the door behind her.
“Roxie, Roxie, Roxie,” I repeat my mantra of wellbeing as I like to call it while I wait for Dr. Ballantine. I close my eyes, lean back in the chair and continue
to chant her name. I can see Roxie smiling at me and my god, does her smile do me good.
“You’re smiling a lot more Cruz.”
I open my eyes. My shrink is standing next to me, and then strolls away to sit at his desk.
“Yeah, things are looking up for me Dr. Ballantine. I mean the nightmares are few and far between now. I still have them. I still wake up sweating at times, but it isn’t with that gut wrenching fear that makes me queasy, sweaty and just ready to give up.”
“You’ve been working hard at focusing on the things you can change. Yes, the war was terrible, it is terrible. You’re not there anymore and all you can do is deal with the now.”
“That’s what I’ve been trying to do. I mean I’m doing wonderful with my writing. I finally have enough places lined up that money truly isn’t a worry. I’m able to reign in the anger I have for my father and the situation from 9 years ago.”
“There’s a but in that sentence you haven’t said…or?”
I see the shrink sit back with a pen and a pad in his hands. He always looks so serious. Which is a plus, ‘cause as my shrink, if he looks any different than serious, I would think he wasn’t a professional at all.
“The place where I’m waffling really is with Roxie.”
“The very Roxie who you chant to get some sleep.”
“The very one. I’ve agreed to give her time to get some things in order. Then after that, she and I can start our relationship.”
“So, is this Roxie also seeing a counselor of some sort? From what you’ve told she has an extensive amount of pain herself.”
“She does, but she doesn’t see a shrink.”
I watched the doctor’s expression and it stays impassive at the word shrink.
“Ah, I see, well have the exercises I’ve given you besides the chanting worked to get you to go to sleep?
“The only thing that works for me currently is Roxie. I get relaxed and my mind is only focused on her. I think that’s why it helps me.”
“So, the dreams of Kabul are lessening. That’s great…we want that. How are the memories of your father, mother and brother?”
“If you mean do I still worry they will come back and mess up my life? No. I’ve come to realize that they want to live in denial of the past. I for one can’t.”
“Have you spoken to Roxie about them?”
“Briefly, I told her about Cisco.”
“Did you tell her where your father and Cisco ended up?”
“No but the plan is, I will open up more tonight and let her know what happened with them. The family shame and everything else needs to stop. I can’t have a life with her if I’m living in the past. Isn’t that what you told me?”
“Nothing that happened after you left is your fault. Yes, you must move forward. Never forgetting but forgiving the young boy who made choices that were unhealthy for himself.”
“I’m learning to forgive myself. I’m learning to believe that all things even the bad things have happened for a reason. They are what got me to this very point.”
“Are you willing to forgive yourself for the things you didn’t have control over?”
I glance at him. I know exactly what he means. “You mean the war? I scowl at him.
“Yes, the war.” Doctor Ballantine doesn’t stop writing on his pad.
I blow out some air and run my hand through my hair. That’s a question I really have to think about. I mean I was in another country for the sake of mine. I’d seen things I wasn’t proud of at all. Yet, I was there because it was my duty. I love my country and I loved my friends. I joined the military, so that I wouldn’t get prison time. It was my price to pay. I just think the price was a little high. A lot of friends had been killed or maimed and I’d come out of it without so much as a scratch. I always feel guilty about that. So, I pin the doctor with my stare and answer him, “No. I’ve yet to forgive myself for it.”
“Any reason why?”
I watch as the good doctor didn’t look up but keeps writing on his pad. This is the part of it I hate. I get more from a person talking to me and looking me in the eyes. I get more of that from Roxie. It’s a good way to get rid of the excess baggage and all the skeletons in my proverbial closet. It also drew her out of her shell and she opens up more to me. Yeah, I prefer Doctor Roxie to Doctor Ballantine, though it didn’t matter. The VA was here to help me and I would comply with that. Whatever would help me to be the me I used to be or at least, close to the me I was supposed to be—I will do it. “Why do you just sit there and write on that pad?” Frustrated, I can’t help myself and have to ask.
“Christopher, do you remember when you first came to see me?”
“Yes.”
“Well, one of the things we spoke about was your inability to trust and to let others in. Does that ring a bell?”
“Yes.” Then it hit me. I was now able to trust him and Roxanne enough to let them into my world. Even about the painful things that happened in the warzone. Damn. This man was helpful after all.
“So, by the look on your face I can see we now have clarity.”
“I understand that I’ve made some great strides and I should be proud of myself for it.”
“Spot on. You should be really proud of yourself. It doesn’t mean that its all gone away. What it does mean is that you’re learning the tools you need to cope. Coping isn’t failure. We all do it in some way. Coping is allowing your heart, mind and soul to heal and for you to deal as best as you can. PTSD is a medical condition. So, this counseling is a good place to ground yourself, especially seeing as you don’t want medication.”
“I’m able to function a lot better now that I’ve just let go of a lot and have talked about it to you and Roxanne. I don’t want any medication that might hinder me in other ways. Unless it becomes necessary to take medication…I’d rather not.”
“Not a problem Christopher. As long as everything is under control, then we won’t go the medication route. You mentioned to me through an email that you ran into the arresting officer from when you were younger. Have you seen him again?”
“I’ve come across him a time or two. It’s always been in places where I’ve been around others. He mad dogs me a lot but otherwise, he’s left me alone.”
“You think he’ll leave you alone?”
“Yeah, he seems to be all bluster and no bite. I won’t let that blind me though. He really can’t do anything to someone whose record has been expunged. I was a minor then.” I wasn’t going to discount that the officer would try something. I have enough sense to know that the quiet ones bite the hardest sometimes.
“Well, I think we’re on the right track here. I won’t need to see you again, until our once a month appointment. That okay with you?”
“It’s fine. If I need you, I know I can call and make an emergency appointment.”
“Yes, you can. As for Roxie, give her the required time she needs. It can only work for the good of the relationship you both want. The both of you need to keep communication open.” Doctor Ballantine stands.
I do too. I reach over and shake his hand. “What if she decides to extend the time?”
“That is something you have to decide whether or not you can deal with. You can’t second guess anything. I think it’s best to take everything in stride and see where it goes.”
“Thank you, Doctor Ballantine. You’re a great shrink.” I toss the word shrink out there for good measure.
He can see I’m teasing and he cracks a grin.
I like that.
Then, he laughs aloud.
I head out. It’ll take an hour for me to get home to the hotel. I am so ready to see Roxie and to talk to her. My counselor was on the money when he said she and I should continue to communicate. I would endeavor to do that. All I can hope is that my Roxie wants to do the same.
Chapter 26
Roxie
Some days are easier than others. I’ve been reading the diary and learning more about the depravity that
is Kathy. Macy states over and over again, that no matter how she tried to stay away from Kathy there was always a reason why she was around. I wonder if my mom ever figured out what was happening.
The more I read, the more I began to see why Macy didn’t think she had anywhere else to go. All the pain poured from the pages and I laid there across the bed in Cruz’s room with a box of tissue. Cruz told me he’d be back soon that he’d had to run some errands. So, I figured what a perfect time to do some reading. I feel nice and comfortable in one of Cruz’s t-shirts and a pair of panties. I love how the shirt smells like him. It’s comforting. It’s almost like he’s here and holding me. I’m so damn, cheesy. Okay, reel it in girl and get to reading.
Dear Diary,
Mom told me today that I was her favorite daughter. I hate that she leaves Roxie out of everything. I tend to think its cause she looks like our dad. Mom isn’t getting along with him. She confides way too much in me. It’s weighing me down. It hurts me. I love my little sister. I try to protect her as much as I can. I’m going to protect her from that freak Kathy as long as I can. Forever if need be.
Macy
I grab a tissue and dab at my eyes. I hate crying, I really do. I hate this crying more because I hadn’t realized what had been going on with my sister. I’d been so wrapped up in Cruz at that time. This, to my way of thinking, hadn’t been a bad thing for the most part. He’d been my life when I was at my darkest. There were times I envied my sister. From the outside, looking in, her life had seemed so perfect and then to read what she really went through? It boggles my mind.
I have to keep reading. The diary really isn’t that big, but it does weigh on my mind when I read it. It’s so heavy with her emotions. It’s like Macy is sitting next to me while I’m reading it. I want to believe she’s an angel and that she is truly at peace now. There are others who would say differently.
Dear Diary,
I saw Roxanne with that guy Cruz Montoya the other day. They really like each other. I only worry that mom will put a stop to it. Ro is due some happiness and having someone tell her they like her. She really only has me in her life right now. I’m messed up. I don’t think I can hold on much longer. I am trying.