by Mj Fields
“You certainly fucking are.” I reached down to pull her up and she sat back on her heels and spread her knees. Her finger slid just inside her slit and I tried to contain myself.
“I’m in control.” Her words seemed to be a mantra to her. I nodded as my eyes moved back and forth from her eyes and her finger that was dancing with her sweet pink lips.
She reached up and took my cock in her hand and stroked me as she rubbed herself.
“Baby that feels real nice and the visual is fucking unbelievable, but I want in you so bad right now.”
She squeezed my cock hard and I groaned.
“I’m in control.”
“Yeah Baby you are. Show me how much control you have.”
She continued using her hands on both of us. I was close, she was close and I was dying.
“Oh, oh yes.”
As much as I hated her getting herself off, I was so fucking turned on. I sat up and leaned in to kiss her.
“I’m in…”
“Baby you are, just please give me your lips.”
She kissed me and I took control of that shit. She was so fucking hungry. I leaned back and she leaned into me further and further until she was climbing on my lap. She reached down and eased herself onto me.
“Condom baby.” I reached over and grabbed one from the new nightstand and started to open it and she took it. “I’ll just lay here.”
She rolled it on me and then started her wet hot descent on my cock.
“Fucking perfect.” I groaned.
She closed her eyes and that control she was seeking came through in fucking spades. She rode me wild. When she started to come I reached up and rubbed my thumb across her clit and she lost all that control.
I rolled her on her back. “My turn.”
She nodded and I pumped into her until I was bled dry.
I held myself above her and covered her lips and face with soft slow kisses as she came down slowly from her orgasm.
“Perfect. Tessa I love…”
“Damn it Lucas!” She tried to sit up.
“Wait. I love fucking you.”
She smiled slightly.
“I really love fucking you.”
“So you said.”
I laid beside her and pulled her onto her side and kissed her neck.
“How was your trip?”
“It went as planned.”
“How are you?”
“Fine.” I felt her body tense.
“When do you leave again?”
“Two days Lucas and I’m going to be busy.”
“Too busy to stop by for a nooner tomorrow?”
“Yes.”
“Clear an hour. Just an hour.”
She covered her mouth and yawned. “I’ll see what I can do.”
I held her until she was fully relaxed and still. I gave it a few minutes before I looked down and saw she was in fact asleep.
I pulled her a little closer and then reached over and set the alarm on my phone for an hour.
I woke to small little whimper and her shaking in my arms. I held my lips to her head as I rubbed her back. I wanted her to wake up feeling safe.
“No, no, no!”
She tried to sit and I held her tighter as she began to cry.
I rubbed her back. “Baby you awake?”
“Uh huh,” her voice quivered.
“Do you dream like this every night?”
“When I sleep.”
My heart just shattered into a million pieces. “I’m sorry. I am so sorry.”
She snuggled in closer and my alarm sounded. “Stay still.”
“How long was I asleep?”
“An hour. What plans do you have for the rest of the day?”
“None but they’ll wonder where I am.”
I quickly sent Jade a text.
“Jade will cover for you. Where’s your phone?”
“On the floor somewhere.”
I got up and sent a text to Harper from her phone and laid back down.
“You’ll sleep for a while. Logan won’t be home for five hours and you are going to sleep.”
“Don’t you have to work or something?”
“No, I have to hold a girl together so she can continue having the strength to do it for everyone else. I am that man for you Tessa. Don’t fight it. Don’t push my buttons cause you know damn well where to push until I go off. Accept it. Fuck, embrace it. It’s gonna happen anyway.”
“Then stop pushing me,” she whispered.
“Sleep.”
And she did. I didn’t, I held her and waited for the next bad dream to cause pain to the woman I love.
She slept. No bad dream. No crying out. When she woke she rubbed my chest and looked up at me.
“Thanks.”
“You hungry?”
“No, I need to go.”
I hesitated and then finally let her sit up. “I hate this part.”
“What part?” She asked as she stepped off the bed.
“The part where you leave.”
She bent down and kissed me and the rubbed my cheek. “I promise…”
“Oh bullshit.” I forced a laugh and stood up. She looked down. “Look I am just gonna ask you once to see me before you leave again.”
“Okay.”
“I mean it Tessa. We don’t have to have sex or talk about hurt, but this.” I pointed to my bed. “Sleeping is important. Let me at least help you out with that.”
“Okay.”
I looked at her trying to figure out what she was thinking.
“Tomorrow at nine.”
“Yeah?”
“Yes. But Lucas?”
“What Baby?”
“We won’t just be sleeping.”
I was a little shocked and a lot turned on. “Perfect.” I had to try to turn it off too. “Look. You and I are going to happen. I want you to trust that I am here and that I want to know how you’re feeling. What you’re feeling. I want you to be able to tell me when you’re hurting and trust me to hold you together.”
She scowled at me. “When? After you fuck me? Is that the appropriate time to tell the man who says I am supposed to be with him that I don’t know if that’s true? Am I supposed to tell you I wish it were me that died so I didn’t have to be the one left behind? Am I supposed to tell you that after I am with you I feel ashamed and disgusted that I enjoyed myself when Collin can’t? Am I supposed to look at my children and say ‘Hey I’m banging Lucas again so let’s move on’?”
I let her vent and rant for as long as I could. “You were supposed to be here still Tessa. Collin’s time…”
“For you? Collin was a fill in until you got your shit together and realized I was worth it back then?”
“No Tessa that’s not…”
“I was worth it you know! He was not a fill in! He was…”
“You were worth it and you still are. Collin was supposed to be…”
“Just stop. Just stop!”
“I’m sorry that this is tearing at you. It hurts me to see you hurt, I wish you could see that.”
“I can’t see anything! I am a fucking wreck and you’re making it worse Lucas! Give me time to heal damn it. Because maybe I’m not supposed to. Maybe I’m supposed to just end it. Maybe…”
I felt that tight pain return in my chest that came with the realization that I was hurting her, more than I was helping her. I’d felt it before. A long time ago. “Okay.”
“What’s that mean?”
“I would rather live without you than not have you to look at from a distance. If I need to stay away, if I was wrong about you needing me, then I’ll step back Baby, cause I will not push you over the edge.”
“Good.”
She sounded just as upset about that and I was drowning and there was no life preserver in sight.
“Tell me that it will make you not think shit like that again. I can’t fucking lose you. I just can’t.”
“Then now you know how it feels to hav
e lost him.”
I looked away and she grabbed my chin and turned it to her. “I’m so sorry I can’t get you through your loss. But…”
“I never needed you to. I’m good Tessa. Okay?” I smiled hoping she was buying into my shit. “Please be safe and keep Jade close.”
She smiled the same fake smile I did. “Goodbye Lucas.”
I couldn’t stand the hot and cold, yes and no, love me, don’t love me, shit that only I brought into her life. One minute we’re not going to be just sleeping and the next she wants more and then a fight. Grasping to hold on, I start the back and forth too. The you don’t have to talk, and then the you need to talk to me. This head trip we did to one another was insane, always had been. Both of us trying to hold the other up. Both of us to stubborn to allow it. The most fucked up part was I wanted to be all those things for her and she couldn’t handle it, not now. Maybe not ever. But I could not be the cause of her pain. I knew we loved each other. She knew it too.
When she walked out the door, the pain was so intense it brought me to my knees. I held my chest and prayed to God to take the pain away, or let it take me, but to keep Tessa safe.
Chapter 17
Over Again
It had been two months and seven days since I had seen or heard from her. Jade continued to update me on all the places Tessa and her family were traveling around the world. ‘They were closing a chapter of their life.’
After a week of not hearing from her I stopped responding to Jade. I even stopped going there. I made my trips into Jersey and took care of business. Around the house I was fucking super Dad. Pretty sure I was getting a cape that said so for Father’s Day. Logan picked on me at first for cooking so much but then his buddies started coming over and eating dinner with us. I was a damn good cook.
Cooking wasn’t my only talent; I could go through a room in seven hours and completely remove Ashley’s belongings. I had a moving trailer delivered that I would fill with all her shit and ship everything to her when I was finished. Bitch!
The other thing I became good at was tracking concert activity for The Brody Hines Band. Maddox and his father were on tour and Tessa went with Harper to all of the concerts. There were pictures everywhere online and in the news. Zach Taylor was an old band mate of Maddox’s and he was around a lot. More importantly, there were a lot of pictures where he and Tessa seemed to be in deep conversation and his fucking arm was around her. One that still haunts me was his arms surrounding her and holding her head against his chest. I didn’t like the mother fucker. And I wasn’t all too happy that she looked so fucking comfortable with him.
I stopped paying attention because it hurt, not just emotionally but physically. I could easily do the same shit. I received messages daily from the ladies offering all sorts of shit to get me through my rough time. The thing is they had no clue how rough it was. I loved a girl whose life had just completely been destroyed. A girl who I knew belonged to me. A girl I fucked over many years ago and wanted to right the wrongs. A girl who knew the same fucking thing but felt guilty about her feelings.
Ava was able to meet her brother and me in Mexico and regardless of the cloud over my head that now accompanied me everywhere, we had a great time. When we weren’t snorkeling, exploring the Mayan Ruins, or going into town to shop, yes Ava’s idea, we were sleeping, eating, and laughing.
One night we went out dancing and my children pushed me into dancing with a beautiful woman who kept asking me to dance. She and her friend also asked if I was single. Yeah both, as in at the same time. I politely declined. No second guessing either. I wasn’t interested in anyone else but Tessa. I was actually anxious to get home.
Ashley hadn’t seen Logan in a month and was calling him less and less. He called her twice a week because I insisted. He had less than a month of school. Graduating second in his class and get this, he was going to Syracuse University to play ball, my Alma Mater.
Ava was coming home for three weeks before continuing on with her schooling. She was excited about planning her ‘baby brothers’ graduation party. But first it was to the Cape with the Brooks and Abraham crew to celebrate Collin’s life.
I told Ava I wouldn’t be able to attend and she was pissed. But I made some damn excuse about work so I think she bought it. Then two days later I get a text.
Why aren’t you coming?...TT
I tried to make her wait for an answer but I couldn’t do that to her.
Busy…LYA
Okay…TT
Two minutes later the phone rang and it was Jade.
“Hello.”
“Are you that fucking pig headed or are you just stupid?”
“If she wants to talk to me have her call me.”
“You’re pretty damn stupid Lucas.”
“Thanks Jade. Nice chat. Goodbye.” I hung up the phone and changed. I needed to run. To scream, to fucking breathe.
I looked at the clock and realized I had about three hours to kill before Logan and I were gonna pack up and head out to Jersey. I had some things to do to make sure my schedule this summer could be handled from home as much as possible. I had time for a run and a shower and then the trucking company would be picking up the trailer and take it down and park it in front of the Jersey house.
~
I was running slower lately. I really hated depression. I knew its symptoms well. I wasn’t talking to anyone about this. I was anxious and having fucking chest pains caused by anxiety. Over twenty years ago I felt it, but worse. The first night Ashley came to me; I was sitting with a pile of coke big enough to numb everything permanently and a bottle of Jack in my bedroom at Dad’s. He and Audri had my sisters on vacation so they wouldn’t have to deal with it. I was done with football, Tessa was pregnant and happy and I had been putting on the best front I could. It all hit the first night of deer camp when I invited her and her hubby up. Watching them together was enough for me to head to Jersey; pretty damn sure I was done. I was over it all.
Now it was different, I had kids. I had accepted responsibility for my actions back then and with Ashley’s help, I moved on. Ash…I am sure, when this anger goes away, I will see what it is I did to deserve her shitting on me, but right now, she was Bitch. Nothing more, nothing less.
I pushed myself to go five miles out. I needed the mood boost those endorphins would release. Logan and I mapped it all out. Different land marks represented mile marks. I was at three pushing hard to four when I just couldn’t push anymore. I turned and jogged towards the house, dragging ass. I knew I pushed too hard but again I was seeking that high. One no drug, pill, or drink could give you. All natural baby.
I nearly tripped over my own feet and looked down at the untied laces of my shoe and stopped to tie them when I heard a vehicle approach and pass. I looked up and it was Tessa’s, she stopped and leaned out the window.
“You okay?”
I nodded.
“Want a ride?”
I shook my head no, trying to catch my breath as I walked towards the SUV.
“How long are you going to stay pissed at me, Lucas? I may not be ready for everything you want,” She jumped out and slammed the door. “But I still need my friend. So would you stop please?”
The plea in her voice cut me and I reached for her but stopped myself.
Fuck! She looked good. Her skin was tan and her eyes were so damn blue, brought out by the blue tee shirt she wore that clung to the death of me, her tits.
“Nice do-rag.” She had her hair covered in a navy handkerchief with fucking pig tails hanging out the back.
She smiled. “You like it?”
“Yeah.”
“So do you want a ride?”
“Nah. You headed to Jade’s?”
She looked at me without saying a damn thing for a few minutes and then down.
“Yes, she picked up some little floating tea lights for the Cape.”
“That was nice of her.” If this wasn’t awkward nothing was.
“You won’t co
me?”
I crossed my arms in front of my chest needing to keep them from reaching out to her. “Tessa you…No I can’t.”
“Luke will be there,” she took a deep breath and her eyes started to glass over with tears.
“Yeah?”
She nodded and swallowed real hard.
“Look, I pushed too hard, I get that okay? I don’t want to cause you any more struggles Tessa.”
The first tear fell and I clenched my jaw.
She whispered so softly I could hardly hear her. “I really need you there.”
I felt my emotions swell up, the threat of tears of my own, and I would not fucking cry like a little bitch.
“Why?”
She wiped her tears away and looked up at me and scowled and then turned to walk away. I reached out and grabbed her elbow, stopping her.
“You need me there?”
“Yes damn it!”
I turned her so she was facing me and held her shoulders keeping her still.
“I’ll be there.”
She reached out and hugged me and cried.
“You tired?”
“Exhausted.”
“I have two hours.”
I took her hand and walked her to the passenger side of the vehicle and opened it for her. She got in and I walked around and got into the driver’s seat and drove to Jade’s. I parked the SUV and got out. She met me at the front of the vehicle.
“Where to?”
“The couch.”
~
I sat on Jade and Ryan’s couch. She sat sideways on my lap and I cradled her in my arms. She looked up and rubbed my lips with her fingers and looked into my eyes with those pleading baby blues. I bent and gave her what she was asking for, a kiss.
She laid in my arms, asleep, for two hours. Two hours of me watching her, holding her, giving her what she needed, and all that she could handle.
When she woke up she kissed my neck, my cheek, and my lips. “Thank you.”
“Anytime Tessa.”
I helped her stand up and then followed her to the garage and carried the boxes of the candles to the back of the SUV. I looked down the road when I heard a vehicle roaring up and watched as the eighteen wheeler pulled into my driveway.
She looked up at me and tilted her head. “They’re picking up the storage trailer. I packed her stuff up and am shipping it down.”