by MF Isaacs
After showing her all the landmarks from a moving vehicle, we headed to The Pizza Mill for lunch. I sent Jimmy a text letting him know we’d made it to town and that we were getting some lunch. He responded right away saying he was just finishing up on campus and would meet us there. As we walked in, I saw a few people I recognized but none that warranted an introduction to Natalie. I knew exactly what Jimmy liked, we’d eaten together a million times, so I ordered the usual.
Natalie had already found a table and was busy checking out the table top electronic games when I sat down. It wasn’t until I started to pour myself a beer that it dawned on me that I didn’t order anything for her. It was as if I was on auto pilot the minute I walked in here and it was back to just Jimmy and me. I felt her eyes on me as the reality of what just happened sunk in. She was up from the table heading toward the back of the restaurant, I am guessing she thought she would find the bathroom back there. I sat stuck, debating in my mind whether I should follow her or head back to the counter to order her something non-alcoholic and food. Sure, she could share the food I already ordered, but I knew from years of experience that it was the perfect amount of food for just Jimmy and me.
I hadn’t made a move one way or the other when Jimmy walked. I am sure the look on my face gave him a clear indication that something was wrong. “Hey man. Perfect timing, I was just finishing up on campus for the day. I can’t thank you enough for standing up with me.” He pauses, I’m sure he’s expecting a response from me but I am still trying to decide what I should do. “You okay man? Where is Natalie, I thought she was coming with you. Did she decide to wait and come with everyone else on Saturday?”
I had to answer his direct question, but my eyes were locked on the hallway I had last seen Natalie walk through. “She’s here. Um, I fucked up and I’m stuck sitting here like a dumb ass because I don’t know what to do. Um, can you, fuck.” I pull out my wallet and hand him twenty bucks, “Can you go order a Sprite, Greek salad and breadsticks? I need to go check on her, I’m pretty sure she’s in the bathroom.”
“Sure. Want me to order for us too?” Depending on who is behind the counter, they already know exactly what we order. It’s just a given, a Curtis and Jimmy given.
“Nah man, I already ordered for us.” I didn’t have to say anything else, he understood my fuck up. If I ordered for us and I was sending him back to counter to order something for her; he understood the error of my ways.
I didn’t wait for a response, I made my way to the back of the restaurant. The hallway in the back, the dark hallway that I’m sure has seen more action that half the dorm rooms on campus. The hallway that has five doors: men’s room, women’s room, office, storage room and the back-alley exit. The place wasn’t exactly busy, but I didn’t want to be rude to other females that might be in the bathroom so I waited in the hallway. I stood there for longer than I wanted and when a young female came down the hall I asked for her help checking on my girlfriend. She agreed but when she came out of the bathroom she let me know it was empty.
My heart stopped as I pulled my phone from my pocket and dialed her number. We aren’t somewhere she’s familiar with, we don’t have our hotel room yet, and she still can’t drive a car with her cast on. She couldn’t have gone far, and when I can hear the faint sound of her phone ringing I pray that she answers. She doesn’t and the ringing stops. I am already calling again as I make my way to each door in the hallway. The office is empty; she isn’t in the storage room and I swing open the door to the men’s bathroom with too much force and I can hear the ringing of her phone again. This time it’s louder but it’s the gasp of her breath that gives her location away, she’s hiding in the men’s bathroom.
“Natalie, Babe I know you’re in here. Please, come out so I can talk to you.” I can see her mismatched feet under the stall door.
“Curtis, get out of here. You can’t come in here. This is the women’s bathroom.” I can hear the tears in her voice as she half yells at me.
“Wrong Hot Stuff, you’re in the men’s bathroom. You can’t be in here, now come out of the stall since you don’t belong in here.” I wait a minute, listening to her blow her nose and flush. She slowly opens the stall door and I’m standing right there blocking her escape. I’m thankful for her cast, because it slows her down significantly.
“Excuse me, I need to wash my hands.” She is refusing to look at me as she tries to muscle me out of her way.
“Look at me first then I’ll let you by to wash your hands.” I use my finger to tilt her face up toward me. She can’t hide the red rimmed eyes or the slight smear of her light makeup. “I have no words, other than I am sorry. I know I fucked up and I wish I knew how to fix it right this minute or rewind and have a do over, but I can’t and it’s killing me. If you want to skip lunch I will take you to the hotel and beg them to let us check in early. Tell me what you want me to do and I’ll do it.”
“Let me wash my hands. I need a few minutes by myself, I can’t sit out there right now. So please, just go out there and give me a few minutes and then I’ll be out there.” She is asking me to walk away from her when I know I’ve hurt her. I can feel myself seconds away from freaking the fuck out. But when I see her pleading eyes, I can’t not give her what she wants. I look over my shoulder twice as I move less than three feet to the bathroom door. The first time our eyes connected, the second time she had already turned her back to me.
I gave her time alone in the bathroom but I did so while waiting right outside that bathroom door. I was not giving her the opportunity to sneak out the back door of the restaurant. When she opened the door, she was surprised to see me standing right there waiting for her. I put my arm around her shoulder and led her back to the table where Jimmy still sat waiting. I felt her take a deep breath and heard her mumble “suck it up” before greeting him.
As we ate, Jimmy gave me all the details I needed for the next two days. Tomorrow the guys were all meeting up at noon for indoor golf before picking up our tuxes, hitting the specialty barber and then the rehearsal. He said he didn’t have exact details for after the rehearsal, but they could figure that out. The morning of the wedding he figured everyone would already be at the hotel, which is where the wedding was taking place. He knew that pictures started at two, but didn’t have much other than that. An hour later, Jimmy and I had finished all our food and Natalie had picked at her salad and ate two breadsticks.
As we left the restaurant, Jimmy asked for a ride to his apartment and I couldn’t tell him no. At the car, he climbed into the front seat without regard for Natalie and before I could even open the back door for her, she’d already done it for herself. I tried to make eye contact with her through the rearview mirror, but she refused to look anywhere but out the side window. Jimmy talked the entire way to his apartment, and then invited us in once we got there. I politely declined, telling him we still needed to get checked into the hotel. He said he understood and would text me later to see what we had going on.
As soon as he shut the car door, I turned in my seat to look back at Natalie. She looked like she’d shrunk from her normal size into a small child. Her feet were resting on the seat with her knees at her chest. She had her arms wrapped around her shins as she rocked slightly back and forth. Rather than speak to her, I got out of the car and made my way to her door. I opened both her door and the door to the front seat. I didn’t give her a choice, I lifted her from the back and gently placed her in the front seat. I lightly kissed the side of her head and closed the door. Once I was behind the wheel again, I leaned across the car to grab her seatbelt so I could buckle her in.
Neither of us spoke as I drove us to the hotel. I still didn’t have the words to fix what had happened. Then fucking Jimmy had to go and pretend like she wasn’t even there, which did nothing to help my situation. I didn’t remember our friendship being like this. I didn’t want to spend all day tomorrow away from her.
She stood off to the side while I checked us in. I kept looking
toward her, hoping I would see a flicker of her usual self, but I saw nothing. That’s not true; I still saw the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen, but I didn’t see any of her usual fire. I didn’t wait for the bell hop to get our bags, I just carried them myself. I needed her alone in our room as quickly as possible. We remained silent in the elevator, and the minute we walked into the presidential suite she announced, “I’m going to take a nap. If you get hungry before I wake up, go ahead and go without me.”
She tried to walk toward the bedroom without anything further. “The hell I will. Give me just a minute before you go lay down. Please?”
“I am tired and on the verge of saying a bunch of shit that I won’t be able to take back. If you don’t want to hear it, then I suggest you let me go lay down. We can talk about shit after I’ve slept.” Her words are tight and the tension is so thick it’s hard to navigate through. She paused for a few seconds to see if I was giving her what she wanted, I’d debated but ultimately, I did. I watched her walk away.
I waited until I heard her movements in the bedroom stop. I knew from the sounds she had made that she was in bed. I waited ten more minutes before I stripped down my boxers and slowly made my way into the bedroom. From the doorway, I could see her curled into almost a fetal position, lying on her side with her back to the door. I watched as her back moved with each breath she took. I had to fix this.
NATALIE
I tried to keep my breathing even, so he’d think I was asleep. I wasn’t ready to talk to him. My mind and my heart were still at war. I hadn’t quite figured out which one I was going to listen to. Until I had things figured out, I didn’t want him to touch me. One touch and the war would be over.
My mind told me that I will never be his first pick. It feels like I am when we are home, but that is only because his other person isn’t there. If Jimmy lived closer, he would ditch me more often to spend time with him. My mind told me that he doesn’t even know what kind of food I like. Seriously a fucking salad? Is he trying to tell me I need to lose weight? Guess what asshole, I’m not going to be losing any fucking weight now that I have your fucking kid growing inside me. My mind told me that he’s going to leave me to fend for myself over the next couple of days while he participates in all the wedding party activities. My mind reminded me of all those who came before him, the ones who could walk away from me so easily. My mind told me he is just like the rest of them.
My heart, my heart told me that our love is enough. My heart told me to forgive him. My heart told me, it was out of habit not neglect that he thought of only Jimmy when he ordered food. My heart told me that I should forgive him and reassure him that our relationship is good. My heart told me to encourage him to participate in the wedding party activities without making him feel bad for leaving me behind. My heart told me he would support me if I was part of my best friend’s wedding. My heart told me that I know in my mind that he didn’t do this on purpose. My heart told me that if I could choose one person the baby growing inside me could be like, it would be him.
I felt the bed shift as he slowly climbed into the bed. In that moment, the neon sign flashing behind my closed eyelids said, “Follow your heart.” Even with the neon sign, my heart was hurting and I didn’t know what it was going to take to make it stop.
I felt the heat of his body as he crawled closer to me. At first, he didn’t touch me, there was no spooning and he didn’t pull me into his body. My already hurting heart bruised a little more when he didn’t even reach for me. My emotions boil over and I can’t help the tears that pour out. I can no longer hide behind my fake breathing; I feel his hand snake its way around my waist the second he realizes I am awake and crying.
“I need you to know that I am so fucking sorry. Please just let me hold you while you sleep.” I didn’t respond, mostly because I wasn’t ready to talk about it although the tears had something to do with it too. I hate that I wore my emotions on my sleeve, there was no disguising my heart break. I’ve always been that way; everyone knew the minute my feeling were hurt because it was written all over my face.
Nothing sucks more than having someone hurt your feelings and knowing that everyone around you can tell, simply by looking at you. Wait, what sucks more than that is when they know and yet they do the same thing. Friend after friend, guy after guy; it’s been the story of my life. When you’re the life of the party, it’s easier to play it off, which is why I partied like I did. In this situation, the old me would have insinuated myself into the pre-wedding activities and then would proceed to drink too much, most likely take off some clothes, do something that is completely inappropriate given the situation. This time, I don’t get to turn to alcohol. This time, I am at the mercy of Curtis because I still can’t drive and, even if I could, I didn’t have a car.
My heart and mind continued to be at war, but my body welcomed the comfort his arms provided me. It took committed effort on my part to stop the twisting and turning my mind was doing, it proved difficult but not impossible. Without any words spoken to Curtis, I fell asleep hoping the pain would be gone when I woke up.
My sleep was restless and my dream was realistic:
We stood at the top of a long staircase, we were side by side. I knew from the feeling in my heart that he’d done something to hurt my feelings, but since it was a dream I didn’t know what. The look of love I usually see on his face when he looks at me was gone. There was no love, it was indifference. I’ve always thought the opposite of love was hate, but in that moment, I realized indifference was worse. I couldn’t hear his words, but I felt the pain they hit me with. Without a second thought I took one large step back and used all my strength to push him. He didn’t resist, my strength sent him sailing through the air and he somersaulted down the stairs. He collapsed into a lifeless heap at the bottom. I didn’t rush to check on him, because I knew just from looking at him that he was dead. My thoughts within the dream were so vivid, I thought everything was going to be okay because he’d been mean to me so he got what he deserved.
When I jerked awake, I startled him awake as well. My heart was racing so bad, it felt like I had just run a marathon. The first thing I noticed was his arm still wrapped around my waist and his hand gently resting on my lower belly. It wasn’t anything sexual, it was a protective behavior. He was protecting me and the baby. I knew I was killing him by not talking out the problem, I think that is what my dream was trying to tell me. If I didn’t forgive him, I may as well kill him by shoving his ass down the stairs; the result for him would be the same.
“I forgive you.” It was all I could say because I knew he didn’t walk into the restaurant and say to himself, ‘I am going to hurt her.’ I also knew it wouldn’t be the last time he hurt my feelings. I know he would take it all back if he could. I know there isn’t any explanation of what happened and why that is going to make me feel better. It is what it is, and I am making the decision to forgive and move on.
“Thank you. I love you so much it hurts. I am so sorry I hurt you.” He nestled his face into my neck as he whispered those words to me and followed them with kisses going up and down my neck. His mouth on me caused my sexual awareness to awaken, and the minute his mouth touched my ear I was gone. I tilted my hips, causing my ass to press into his suddenly growing erection. With each twitch of his dick, I could feel it get bigger and bigger. The hand he’d rested on my belly while sleeping suddenly moved lower until it was cupping my panty covered mound.
He took his time pressing his hips into my ass while using his hand to apply pressure to my mound. When my panties were completely soaked by my arousal, he rolled me onto my back and propped himself up beside me. He gently traced down the side of my face, brushing my hair back before his mouth connected with mine. The kiss was slow and passionate; his tongue was lazy as it danced with mine. I felt my desire grow with each pass of his tongue. I could feel the strength of his erection pressing into my outer thigh, but when I reached out to make contact, he quickly rotated his hips away.
Just like that the war was back and this time I was ready to fight. “What in the fuck? I am not playing games with you. Either you want me or you don’t. Your dick tells me you want me and you’re kissing me like you do. Then you pull away like you don’t. If you don’t then get the fuck out, because I can’t do the back and forth shit.”
His eyes are big like he’s shocked at what just tumbled out of my mouth. It might be the pregnancy hormones starting to kick in or it could be left over from the emotions earlier. I couldn’t handle it; I could feel the tears building. I was desperately trying to keep them from making their appearance again when he wrapped his arms around me and rotated me to my side so we were face to face. “Listen to me, there will never, not fucking ever, be a day that I don’t want you. I want to spread you open and fill you up, but until you have seen the doctor I can’t. I need to know that it’s okay. I won’t be responsible for hurting you or the baby. My dick is so fucking hard right now; I would love to be balls deep inside you but we can wait until after your appointment on Monday.”
My emotional rollercoaster twists as I listen to him as he tries to explain his behavior. I might be in for more than I bargained for if this is what pregnancy hormones are going to do to me. My anger shifted so quickly, there wasn’t time to contain the laughter than tumbled out when I heard him say we could wait until Monday. Seriously, this is the guy who couldn’t wait a few hours at the New Year’s Eve party and he thinks he can wait until Monday. It’s only Thursday now and he thinks he can wait until Monday. I have tears rolling down my face, this time they are from laughing so hard.