Now I knew that it had been. Because it wasn’t about the diaper. It was about the man changing it—valuing me. Jake was aware that I needed to rest and he was willing to dive into the uncharted territory of diaper changing. He was amazing.
The rest of our time at the hospital was spent learning about our daughter and the things that she would need in the coming days. Even though we had done a ton of research during the pregnancy, I felt nervous when it was finally time to be released.
Were they really trusting me to take home another human being? What if I did something wrong?
The farewells from the hospital staff were reassuring, but what made the biggest difference was the sight of Zoe and Callie in the lobby of the hospital.
“Hi, guys!” Zoe smiled and stepped forward to greet Zara with a small kiss. “We brought your car and the seat is already in it. I even stopped by the fire department and had them check it to make sure it was in right.”
“She did.” Callie grinned.
“It had nothing to do with Callie wanting to see some cute firefighters.” Zoe rolled her eyes.
“What?” Callie laughed. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Right.” Zoe eyed her with a sly smile. “How many numbers did you get?”
“Well then, we’d better get all of you in the car.” Callie shot Zoe a playful glare.
“I can’t thank you both enough.” I smiled at them as Jake wheeled me to the car.
Chapter 4
Together, Jake and I worked on getting Zara into her car seat. I was glad I didn’t have to try to wrangle the seat myself. Zara was less than pleased. She wasn’t a fan of being in the seat.
“Should she be screaming like that?” Zoe frowned. “Maybe she doesn’t like it? I knew we should have gotten the pink one. See, Callie? I told you she has a strong sense of fashion.”
“It’s perfect.” I laughed. “She’s just not used to it.” I slid into the seat beside her and Jake climbed in on the other side. It was nice to have someone else drive us so that we could both interact with Zara on the way to Callie’s apartment. I didn’t want to take my eyes off her. For some reason I felt a little anxious if she wasn’t in my direct line of sight.
“We have everything set up for you. Jake said you’d rather have the crib in the bedroom with you instead of in a separate room, so that’s where I’ve had it set up.” Callie glanced in the rearview mirror at me.
“A crib? I thought you would just grab a playpen or something.”
“No way, Zara gets the royal treatment in my house. It’s on loan. I figured you have one at home.”
“We do.” Jake smiled. “It’s funny how we tried so hard to be prepared and then we ended up having nothing.”
“We have friends and apparently that’s all we need.” I grinned as Zara grabbed onto one of my fingers.
When Callie opened the door to our room, my breath caught in my throat.
“Callie, this is gorgeous.” Sunlight streamed through the tall windows and pooled over silk and lace. Everywhere I looked, the room was bathed in luxury. Even the crib was elegant enough to belong to royalty.
“It’s one of my favorites.” Callie grinned. “I save it for my special guests—which you three are. So please enjoy. Now I know that with me here you might feel a little uncomfortable, but I want you to know that the entire penthouse is yours to use however you like. I’ll do my best to give you your space, but if you need anything, just let me know.” She smiled.
“Thanks so much, Callie. I think we’ll just work on getting settled in.”
“Great. I’m going to take Zoe out for a bit so you three can have some privacy.” She grabbed Zoe’s hand. “We’re going to meet Trent for lunch. If you need us, please call—for any reason.”
“We will.”
As soon as Jake, Zara, and I were alone, the reality really set in. This was it. We were alone with our baby outside of the hospital.
Zara seemed to notice too, as she began to squirm in my arms.
“It’s okay, sweetie. Mommy’s nervous, but we’re going to be okay.”
“More than okay.” Jake propped some pillows up on the bed. “Hop in, get settled. I’ll grab you something to eat from the kitchen.”
“You know, if you’re not careful, I could get used to this kind of treatment.” I laughed as I settled into the bed with Zara sprawled across my chest.
Zara was not as eager to settle in. She continued to squirm and then started to cry. I did my best to soothe her, but she started to wail.
“What is it, honey?” I stroked her soft barely-there hair. “What’s wrong?” I stared at her for a moment before climbing out of bed to walk her around the room. That only seemed to make her more angry. “Okay, okay.” I bounced her gently. “Everything’s fine.”
She disagreed and screamed even louder.
What kind of mother was I if I couldn’t even soothe my own daughter?
My heart began to pound. What if she didn’t stop crying? Would I have to take her back to the hospital and ask for help? How stupid would I look if I couldn’t help my child?
“Oh, Zara, I wish I could understand.” I closed my eyes and tried to imagine what she might be thinking.
As she squirmed and wailed, I pictured being thrust into a world full of sounds, lights, and people that I didn’t understand or recognize. In actuality, I’d felt that way a few times before in my own life—when it seemed as if everyone had everything figured out except for me.
“You’re right here with me, sweetheart.” I began to sing softly to her as Jake closed the curtains and dimmed the brightness of the room.
Whether it was my singing or the darkness, I couldn’t be sure, but soon she was snoozing on my shoulder. I eased her into the crib, then sat down at the end of the bed. I knew in that moment that I would always try to shield my daughter, or at the very least, guide her through the inevitable difficulties of life.
“Is she out?” Jake crept back into the room with a platter of food and a tall glass of ice water.
“I think so.” I smiled as I realized just how hungry I was. “At least for the moment. We’d better eat while we can.”
As Jake and I shared a picnic on the most beautiful bed I’d ever seen, I thought again about how lucky I was. No matter how many sleepless nights were ahead of me, it would all be worth it.
Chapter 5
Sixteen hours later, with no sleep and the sound of Jake’s snoring in my ear, I wondered what exactly I’d gotten myself into. Zara nursed like she was starving, and there wasn’t anything poetic about what her gums were doing to my nipples. I’d lost my cell phone somewhere in a pile of spit-up rags, and even though I was hungry, I couldn’t imagine taking a bite of anything.
My head spun as I tried to focus on getting just a few minutes of sleep.
The most wicked part of being woken up every hour by a screaming baby was the fact that it took at least fifty minutes for me to get my mind to slow down enough to fall back to sleep and then Zara inevitably woke up ten minutes later. Whatever miraculous life I expected to lead just hours before, the reality was that I wanted to shove Jake out of the bed, find Zara a pacifier, and not move for several hours.
I knew the first few nights would be hard, but this was beyond anything I’d expected. The exhaustion of the labor and hospital stay was catching up to me, and I felt as if every little thing plucked my nerves.
“It’s just your hormones adjusting, Hanna. Take it down a notch.” I slipped out of bed and crept toward the door, hoping not to wake Zara.
As I approached the kitchen, the penthouse was silent. I knew that Zoe and Trent were snuggled up in their room and I guessed that Callie was in hers. Could they really sleep with all the screaming that was going on?
A wave of guilt washed over me. If I were a better mother, Zara wouldn’t be crying so much.
I grabbed a bottle of water from the refrigerator then sat down at the breakfast bar that wrapped around the kitchen. B
efore I could get the bottle cracked open, the tears started flowing.
“Hanna?”
Callie’s voice caused me to jump.
I peered through the darkness at her.
“I’m sorry, did I wake you?”
“No.” She smiled as she sat down beside me. “I usually get up for a drink of water around this time too.”
“I’m so sorry for all the crying.” I wiped at my eyes. “I mean Zara’s crying.”
“Honey, babies cry. That’s why I have these.” She pointed to the earplugs in her hand. “No worries. But why are you crying?”
“I’m no good at this. I thought I would be so happy—I mean, I should be. Zara is here and she’s healthy and strong. I should feel so lucky and grateful.”
“And you do.” She shrugged. “But you’re also tired and scared and packed full of a cocktail of hormones that are quite a trip on their own. Be easy on yourself.” She rubbed my shoulder. “Zara needs you to be just as loving to you as you are to her.”
“Thanks, Callie, I needed to hear that.” I took a big breath and released it. “I just feel like I should be able to soothe her. Like where is that maternal instinct that is supposed to kick in? Honestly, I don’t feel like a mom.”
“I’m guessing that doesn’t happen overnight. A good friend of mine told me that when she took her son home from the hospital, she kept wondering when she would see him as her son. She loved him, she wanted him, but it was hard for her to wrap her head around the idea that he was hers. She thought she was going to be a terrible mother because of it. Then her own mother shared what it was like for her and she discovered that a lot of women feel that way at first. I suppose there are some out there that become instant mothers, but for the rest of us who have never done this before, I can’t imagine how strange it must feel. Mother is a title, Hanna. You’re still the same person you were, except now Zara is in your life. You can’t try to live up to anyone else’s definition of what a mother is, you have to figure out what being a mother is to you. I imagine it’s different for everyone.”
“You’re very insightful, you know.” I sighed as I wiped away the last of my tears. “That’s exactly how I feel—as if I need a job description, standards to meet—but there isn’t one. Or I should say that there are too many different kinds. Am I a cry-it-out mom? Am I a baby-wearer? I thought I had this all figured out, but now that she’s here, it’s completely different than what I expected.”
“It will get easier.” She smiled at me. “Don’t try to rush it. Be who you are and just love her. Stay in the moment, right? Isn’t that what we’re all trying to do?”
“Yes, you’re right. And at this moment, I should be sleeping.”
“Good plan.” She gave me a quick hug. “Good night, Hanna.”
As I stepped back into the room, I was ready to snuggle up to Jake and settle in for some peaceful sleep.
Apparently Zara had other plans.
As I took my wailing baby into my arms, I held her close to my heart and breathed in the scent from the top of her head.
No, I didn’t need to be a perfect mother and she didn’t need to be a perfect baby, because no matter what, we were perfect for each other.
Chapter 6
The ups and downs continued throughout the night, but I found myself beginning to understand our routine. Zara only fussed until she was confident that I knew what she needed. Then she would calm down to some degree.
By the time the sun broke through the curtains, I was exhausted, but feeling more secure and bonded to my daughter.
I slipped out of bed while she slumbered and headed for the bathroom.
When I came out, I found Jake there waiting for me.
“Hey, beautiful.” He wrapped his arms around my waist and looked into my eyes. “How are you feeling?”
“Tired.” I smiled and tried not to think about how different my body must feel to him. “How about you?”
“Sleepy too.” He grinned, then leaned in for a kiss.
To my surprise, I drew back from his approach. It wasn’t intentional, it was more instinctual. My cheeks flushed as I realized that I wasn’t sure when I’d last brushed my teeth.
“Sorry, I’m not very fresh.”
“I don’t care.” His lips hovered near mine. “I haven’t had you alone in awhile. Zara’s sleeping. I thought maybe we could spend some time together.”
“Oh, but we can’t do anything yet, right? Six weeks or something like that?” I drew back from his arms.
“I know that, Hanna. But that doesn’t mean we can’t kiss. Can’t I kiss you?” He cupped my cheeks with his warm hands and leaned in again.
“No, don’t.” I drew back again as my heart pounded. “I’m so gross, Jake. I really need a shower and I think I lost my toothbrush.”
“Hanna, I don’t care about any of that.” He frowned as he looked at me. “Is it really about that or are you upset with me? Am I not doing enough?”
“No, I’m not upset with you, Jake. You’re amazing. You’ve been helping me so much.” I stroked his cheek. “I love you.”
“I love you too. But that doesn’t tell me why you’re shying back every time I try to touch you.” He tugged at the hem of my shirt with a playful smile. “Can’t I just hold you for a little while?”
“I don’t think you’re looking for cuddling.”
“I just want to be close to you, honey, that’s all. I feel like I’ve barely had the chance to hug you, let alone kiss you.”
“I’m sorry, Jake, I’m just a little overwhelmed right now.” I sat down on the edge of the bed.
He sat down beside me and draped his arm around my shoulders.
“Sweetheart, you’re not in this alone. Remember? I’m here for you. If you don’t want me to touch you, I won’t, but I do want to know why.” He tilted his head and looked into my eyes. “I know there’s more to it than just being overwhelmed. If you’re not upset with me, then what is it?”
“Honestly, Jake, I don’t even recognize my own body anymore. So much is different about it.” I bit into my bottom lip. “I don’t think you’re going to recognize it either.”
“I love you, Hanna.” He took my hand in his. “I love everything about you. Your body is my favorite thing to look at, to explore, and I’m looking forward to getting to know it again. There’s nothing about you that I’m not attracted to.”
“Jake, please.” I frowned. “The stretch marks and the—”
“Stop!” He sighed as his voice caused Zara to stir in her crib. “I’m sorry.” He lowered his voice. “We’ve been through this before, remember? It took you so long to let me touch you. I don’t want to go back there again. You should be able to trust me by now, that I’m telling you the truth when I say how beautiful you are.”
“I do trust you.” I stood up and picked Zara up from her crib. “But it’s going to take me some time to get comfortable with my own body again. I’m sorry if that bothers you. I really am. But that’s how I feel.”
“What bothers me is that you could ever think of yourself as anything less than amazing.” He rubbed his hand back through his hair. “That tells me I’m not doing my job.”
“It’s not your job to tell me how to see myself Jake. I know it’s a problem, I’m just not there yet. I’m still exhausted and—”
“I get it.” He stood up and took the baby from my arms. As he did, he looked into my eyes. “I’m sorry, you’ve just been through so much. I don’t mean to pressure you about anything. I hope you know that. I just want you to know that I’m here. We can go at your pace. For now, why don’t you rest?”
“But Zara needs me.” I gazed at the little head that rested on his shoulder.
“She’s fine, Hanna, she just ate, right?” He leaned in and kissed my cheek. “Grab a nap while you can. I need to check in with work anyway. Okay?”
“Okay. I love you, Jake. I know how lucky I am to have you.”
“The feeling is mutual, sweetheart.” He rocked Za
ra back and forth.
I crawled into bed as exhaustion washed over me. I wouldn’t have long before I needed to wake up again but what little sleep I could get, I was going to take.
As I began to fall asleep, my thoughts shifted back to Jake.
He insisted he would be patient. But would he be able to wait as long as I might need?
Chapter 7
When I woke up a little while later, I found Zara asleep in her crib. It wasn’t her cries that woke me. It was the sound of voices—Jake’s voice in particular.
I threw on a robe and stepped out of the room.
I recognized the second voice as belonging to Trent. I was eager to join them both, but the words I heard Jake say made me stop in my tracks.
“No, I don’t want her to know. She’ll feel guilty about it.”
I inched out a few more steps, but not far enough to be seen.
“I think you need to tell her. She’ll be upset if you don’t and she finds out later.”
Trent was giving Jake advice? What was that about? Clearly Jake was hiding something from me. But what?
“I can’t, I don’t want to ruin this time for her. I’m not telling her.”
Jake’s voice grew stronger. It wasn’t often that I heard him be so firm.
“I understand you wanting to protect her, but Hanna’s a big girl, she can handle it. These things are going to come up. You can’t protect her from everything.”
Stunned by the conversation, I decided I wasn’t going to wait for Jake to tell me whatever was on his mind.
“Protect me from what?” I stepped out of the hallway and into the spacious living room just as Jake turned to face me.
“Hanna.” He sighed. “I thought you were sleeping.”
“I couldn’t sleep. I was going to get a drink of water. But what is all this about?”
“I should get back to Zoe.” Trent glanced at me, then Jake, then headed for the room he shared with Zoe.
“Hanna, it’s nothing. I’ll get you a glass of water.”
Then Comes Baby Page 2