by Linda Ford
God, help me not to be a jealous sister.
But even prayer did not erase the forbidden longing.
Chapter Five
Judd watched the house as Madge and her friend cleaned. So this was the job she’d gotten. He leaned back in the shadows, fighting anger and a protectiveness that curled his fists. Surely George wasn’t making Madge his next mark. But no, that didn’t make sense. Madge didn’t have anything to give the man. Did she? He carefully reviewed everything she’d told him, things Louisa had said, even things he’d overheard in conversations among the women. Nothing indicated they had anything but debt.
The girls in the house laughed as they worked. He grinned, finding enjoyment in seeing Madge having fun.
A long, silent ache slid down his throat and wrapped around his heart. He wished he could join them. If only he didn’t have to hide the truth about who he was and what he intended.
His insides boiled with nameless yearning. He must deal with his restlessness before it boiled over and he did something he’d regret. Like storm into the house and demand to know why she was aiding his foe. Not that she knew.
A deeper truth couldn’t be ignored. He wanted to push inside and confess everything. He ached to be honest with Madge.
Glad he’d shed the Justin Bellamy disguise, he turned on his heel and strode down the back lane, thankful for the shadows to hide him. His gait ate up block after block until he reached the edge of town. He stood and stared out at the prairie, dotted here and there with dark shapes of houses, little fireflies of lights coming on in scattered windows. He sucked in air until his edginess settled. Then he examined his feelings.
He hated being dishonest with Madge. He wanted to tell her every fear and anger and frustration he felt. Yet what choice did he have but to continue his deception?
Slowly, a cunning idea grew. Perhaps this was for the best. Madge had access to the comings and goings of George Gratton. Judd could use the information to his advantage.
For several minutes, he warred with himself. How could he think he cared for Madge yet be prepared to use her as an unknowing spy? But surely she’d understand if she found out. After all, she was a fighter, prepared to do what she had to to keep a roof over their heads. Yet he knew her stubborn struggle to keep her family safe wasn’t the same as his quest.
However, he hoped she would never discover his duplicity until he saw the man punished—see justice carried out—for what he’d done to Judd’s mother.
He’d tell Madge the truth when the time was right.
His mind set on a course; his jaw tight, his insides tense, he strode back into town.
It felt good to stretch his legs. He concentrated on the way his muscles released pent-up energy to avoid the guilt jabbing at his thoughts.
The house was again in front of him. He stopped to stare. Too late, he realized Madge had come to the lane to empty her bucket and had likely watched him for several seconds.
“Why, if it isn’t Justin Bellamy, his limp all gone. And what, Mr. Bellamy, brought about this sudden healing?”
Caught. All because he had been carrying on a little battle with himself. He had no choice but to explain—but how honest must he be?
Madge hadn’t believed him from the beginning. Anything he said now would be met with double doubts.
Even in the low evening light, her gaze was direct, demanding.
He couldn’t tell the whole truth. “You’re right. I am the man you ran into that day.”
“I knew it. Why the pretense?”
“I have to hide my true identity.”
“Have to?” Her tone was hard.
“Let me explain.”
“Oh, please do. I’m dying to hear your story.”
Yes, she was going to find it hard to accept any explanation he gave. “Justin Bellamy isn’t my real name.” He sorely wanted her to know him as Judd, but how much dare he risk?
“Do you intend to tell me who you really are?”
“First, I must have your promise not to tell anyone my true name.”
She busied herself with the mop and bucket before she answered. “How can I promise when I don’t know the reason?”
Ah. He understood her concern. Should he be a culprit, she’d feel honor bound to turn him over to the law. But how could she consider it possible of him? “Madge.” He spoke softly. “Do you think I would have a dishonest reason for doing this?”
She chuckled—more a regretful than merry sound. “You’re asking me to trust your honesty when you just admitted you’re living a lie?”
“I’ll try to explain, but surely you know I wouldn’t be doing something morally or legally wrong.” It stung that she would doubt him, but what could he expect? He had deceived her. He would tell her his story and hope it made her more forgiving. “I told you my mother lost her savings.”
“Not unlike many people.”
“No. Only she lost hers to a con man.”
She nodded, still unbelieving but waiting for more.
“He pretended to love her to gain her confidence. He promised he’d marry her. She believed him. When he said he had an investment opportunity that would double her money, she believed that, too. Only once he got his hands on the funds, he disappeared. It almost destroyed my mother. Cost her her house and savings.”
Still Madge waited, though as she faced the house, he believed he saw a flicker of sympathy in her eyes. Perhaps it’d only been a flare from the light coming from inside, because when she turned back to him, her expression was hard. “I’m sorry, but I fail to see what this has to do with me or my family.”
“I searched for him for several months. Learned he—” If he said the man was about to move into the community, she would no doubt put the facts together with her task of cleaning this house. He didn’t want her alerted. “I learned he had moved into this community to play his con game again.”
Madge studied him. “Most men are moving out of the area.”
“Must be a few moving in.”
Reluctantly she nodded. “I guess.”
“I aim to find him and stop him from doing to another woman what he did to my mother.”
Her expression revealed a struggle with doubt and sympathy.
He caught her shoulder and looked hard into her dark, steady eyes. “If he hears my name, he’ll figure out who I am. How long do you think it will take him to guess why I’m here? Warned, he’ll likely move on but perhaps with someone’s savings in his pocket.”
She held his gaze, steady, demanding and something more—something that caught at his heart and tugged it gently in her direction.
“What’s your name?” Her low question almost broke through the barriers he must keep firmly in place. He forced resolve into his thoughts.
“You vow you won’t tell anyone?”
She nodded, her look full of so much promise he struggled to find his voice.
“Judd. Judd Kirk.”
“Judd.” His name on her lips was sweet as a kiss.
He looked deep into her eyes, his world shifting to higher, rarer air.
“You haven’t found the man yet?” Her words sent his thoughts back to his plan.
“No, but I’m close.”
She nodded, not releasing her dark-eyed hold on him for even a heartbeat. “And when you do?”
“I’ll make him pay.” He’d force the man to give back the funds. He’d somehow make him suffer as much as his mother had. But if he hadn’t been so trapped by Madge’s intensity, he might have guarded his words more carefully. He wished he had when her expression hardened.
“You’re talking revenge.”
“No. I’m talking justice.”
“What about the law?”
“There’s nothing they can do.”
She considered him a moment. “But isn’t God the righteous judge?”
Her words were soft but challenging, striking at a place between his faith and his life that held nothing of substance, only waiting silence. His so
le defense was to point out things widening the breach. “Can you look around at how this world is going and say God is treating us fairly? Why doesn’t He do something to stop this drought and everything else tearing this country apart?”
She shook her head back and forth. “I don’t know why bad things happen, but I believe we can trust God to take care of us.”
“Could you say that if you lost your house?”
She grew fierce. “I’m not going to let that happen.”
Fierceness grew in his heart, too, and edged his words. “My mother didn’t expect to lose hers, either. She trusted a man. I intend to see her get some recompense.” Hoping to make his actions more acceptable, he added, “And make sure that man doesn’t repeat his game.” He hadn’t realized until this conversation how much he wanted more than justice. He’d always soothed his conscience by telling himself he only wanted to stop the man from cheating another woman.
“Judgment is in God’s hands. If you are determined to exact vengeance, you will surely be twice bitten.”
He crossed his arms over his chest. “I don’t know what you mean.” Wasn’t sure he wanted to. He would make that man pay for stealing his mother’s house and savings. Nothing she said would change his mind.
“Not only are you stricken with bitterness at what happened to your mother, but if you take things into your own hands you will be touched by the evil of vengeance.” She moved closer, rested her warm hand on his forearm.
The touch seared his nerves, stung his thoughts and made him waver. But God’s justice took too long. His mother shouldn’t have to wait until eternity to see it.
“Judd. I like that name. Suits you so much better than Justin.”
He covered her hand with his. “I like it better, too.” Especially the way she said it.
“Judd, I don’t want to see you hurt by taking on the role of avenger.”
Caught in her steady gaze, he couldn’t argue.
But he couldn’t agree, either.
“I’ll not do anything wrong.”
She lowered her eyes, leaving him floundering for determination about his course of action.
“I pray you will learn that God’s way is best.”
He squeezed her fingers. “I appreciate your concern.”
Neither of them moved. She kept her head down. He let himself explore the feel of her hand beneath his—strong from hard work and yet soft. Just like Madge herself.
She sighed. “I’ve been trying to guess who this man you want to find is, but I can’t think of anyone. It would be awful if it was someone I know.”
“Not too likely. He’s only an obscure relative of one of the families.” He hoped she wouldn’t take that bit of information any further. “I don’t expect he’s making himself too visible.” Entirely true at this point. “Now enough of this. Can I help with anything?”
Slowly she eased her hand away and grabbed the mop and bucket. “I’m done for the day. Mr. Johnson left a note on the door saying the occupant would be here in two days’ time. I’ll have everything ready by then. Mrs. Johnson sent over a stack of bedding, so I’m to make up the beds. Though I have no idea if I should make them all or—” She shrugged.
Judd followed her to the house and scooped up the rest of her cleaning supplies. “Mind if I catch a ride back home with you? I walked to town.”
“Leg doesn’t hurt much now?” He heard the teasing tone in her voice.
“Not when I’m Judd Kirk. Though I did hurt my leg just as I told you.”
“I expect your cough is better when you’re Judd Kirk, too.”
Ah, would he ever hear his name from her mouth without it strumming his heart like a harp? “Lots better, thank you.”
She grinned at him and they both laughed.
Judd. She liked the name. Just as she’d liked the cowboy she’d bumped into weeks ago. Since that day, she’d allowed her fancy to build a solid picture of him in her imagination. She’d envisioned long, thrilling rides clinging to his waist as a black horse galloped across the land. She’d ignored her suspicions that Justin and Judd—the name sang through her brain—might well be the same person. Instead, she’d given him a double. Now her foolish, childish pretendings had taken form and substance.
She shifted and gripped the steering wheel as they headed toward home. His presence filled far more of the space beside Madge than the bulk of his body.
His plans for revenge crowded her thoughts, and as she focused on what he’d said, she was able to push her embarrassment and discomfort to the back of her mind. She had never considered getting revenge on anyone, but somehow she suspected it truly had a scorpion tail of regret. She must convince him his chosen course of action might destroy him.
For Louisa’s sake, of course. She didn’t want to see her sister dealing with the aftermath.
She shuddered as she thought how, if he persisted, Judd could be hurt, or get himself into trouble with the law.
“I know it’s not my business, but I really think there must be another way to deal with this man you mention without stooping to revenge.”
Judd chuckled. “I’ll not do anything illegal or sinful, if that’s what worries you.” He sounded mighty pleased at her concern.
“I just don’t want my family, Louisa especially, involved, even by association, with something that could bring hurt or harm.” There, she’d said it rather well. No reason for him to read more than normal caution in her words.
“I fail to see how what I do will in any way affect your family. And why Louisa especially?”
Because Mother plans for Louisa to become your wife. But she could hardly tell him the truth any more than she would allow herself to acknowledge how the thought stung. “I suppose I’m being overly cautious, but we’ve all done what we can to protect Louisa. Her health has always been a bit delicate.”
“She doesn’t strike me as particularly frail.”
Did she detect a note of impatience in his voice? But no, she’d observed them together often enough to know he treated Louisa with nothing but patience and gentleness. It would be wise to change the topic of conversation before she revealed more than she should. “You’re not really planning to go back to the ranch as cook’s helper, are you?”
His laughter rang out, filled the small space and raced through her heart like fresh water in a summer- drenched stream.
She gritted her teeth. It was going to be hard to remember Louisa’s claim on this man. God, give me grace. Help me be concerned only with protecting Louisa and helping Judd.
The next evening, Judd helped her carry the clean laundry to the automobile and climbed in beside her. “I’ll ride along with you and help with the deliveries.”
“You’re still Justin.” He hunched inside the baggy clothes of his tutor role. She longed to see him in his jeans and the cotton shirt that fit across his shoulders, allowing her to admire his strength.
“I must keep my secret from your sisters and mother.”
“I still think you’re wrong.” She’d thought of little else all day, praying for wisdom to say something to make him change his mind. “It says in the Bible that vengeance belongs to God alone, who will recompense.”
He drew in air until she wondered if his lungs would explode. “I can see this is going to be a problem for you. So let’s deal with it and be done. I told you I won’t do anything wrong, so can we stop calling it revenge? I only want to see justice done.”
Justice and revenge were too closely related for Madge’s peace of mind, but she didn’t want to spend their few precious hours together arguing. “Fine. I’ll let it go.”
“Great.”
“So what else should we talk about?”
He chuckled. “I’m dying to know what you were like as a little girl.”
“A bit of a tomboy, I suppose. I liked to follow my father around and help him. I must have been a dreadful nuisance, but he never seemed to mind. When Mother objected I was not as ladylike as she wished, Father always said,
‘Leave her be. You never know when it might come in handy to know how to do these things.’”
“Seems he was right.” He shifted so he could see her face.
She darted a look at him, saw his gentle smile, sucked in a sharp breath and jerked her attention back to the road, trying to ignore how his look made her feel—not that she could even find a word to describe it. Special. That was the closest she came. His smile made her feel special.
“You manage very well. I’ve admired you as you work so hard. Fact is, many times I’ve had to remind myself I’m Justin, a teacher, not as strong as I want to be, when all the time I’ve wanted to be Judd and haul those heavy baskets up the stairs for you.”
Her gaze edged sideways. Her heart beat a frenzied rhythm against her ribs as she stared into his dark intensity. His smile filled his eyes.
“You did?” Oh, but her voice sounded squeaky and surprised.
“Sure did.” He reached out, caught a strand of hair trailing across her cheek and pushed it into place. “You work too hard.”
The car had drifted almost to a standstill. She tore her gaze from his and back to the road, trying to assess his words. Did he care about her? Her heart sang a secret song, but she stilled it. He was not for her. Mother had picked him for Louisa.
Or had she? She’d picked Justin Bellamy for Louisa. There was no such person. Judd Kirk was a strong cowboy. An outdoor man. A—
She slammed the door on her thoughts. She would not look for excuses. God saw her inner being. No amount of mental wrangling would make her envy pleasing to Him.
They reached town. He insisted on carrying the baskets of laundry to the door for her, limping up the path at her side.
“Others need to believe I’m Justin Bellamy. I can’t afford to let that man guess my real identity,” he said when she mentioned it.
She wanted to protest further but feared it would bring a wedge between them, so she let it go. For now.
After she’d collected the next day’s work from her various customers, she headed for the Sterling house. Judd helped her carry in supplies. “I need to scout around. I’ll be back in—what? An hour? Two?”