by C. L. Parker
So I made my mind up. Shaw and I were going to need to settle this thing once and for all. Because I didn’t know how much longer I could go on living this way. I had to know if his feelings for me had changed, and I knew if I wanted an answer that was genuine, I’d have to see his words, not hear them.
—
The next morning, I left Abe sleeping in his room to be sure I caught Shaw before he could leave for work. Usually, I never heard him in the mornings because I hadn’t been spending the nights in our bedroom for quite some time. What had seemed comforting to both Abe and me when he was a baby, allowing him to fall asleep in my arms, had turned out to be a big mistake. Now that he was used to sleeping with me, it was hard to break the habit. Since Shaw and I had been less than intimate, I figured it didn’t matter. But I missed snuggling into the crook of Shaw’s arm and nuzzling his chest as I slept. I missed falling asleep to his steady breathing and the sound of his heartbeat, and I missed waking to his manly scent. I missed a lot of things about Shaw.
And I hated having conversations like the one I felt forced to have with him first thing in the morning. It would just make the rest of the day as crappy as crappy could be. I had no choice, though. This had to be done.
Just as I walked into our bedroom, I caught the sight of Shaw’s back as he closed the bathroom door behind him. So I sat on the edge of the bed and waited for him to finish up his morning business.
The covers were still a mess, though only on one side. His side. I took comfort in the fact my pillow was out of place and at an angle to Shaw’s side, squished in the middle as if he’d been snuggling it all night. I wondered if he had. If he’d held it as close as he would’ve liked to have held me, if he ever drew deep breaths with it to his nose to find some faint remembrance of my scent.
Drawn by that thought, I reached over and grabbed up his pillow, hugging it to my chest and doing the same. It smelled like him, and memories bombarded me. Memories of the way we used to be, of lying in bed with each other until the last possible second. Memories of Shaw resting his head on my chest while talking to our unborn child through my very round belly, his horrendous singing voice quietly crooning lullabies he didn’t quite know all the words to. I smiled to myself, nearly transported back to that time and feeling the warm and fuzzies all over again.
When the toilet flushed, I quickly put his pillow back in place and collected myself. Or attempted to. My palms were too sweaty, my body too tense for any sort of confidence to be believable. Why was I so apprehensive about talking to the man I loved?
Shifting into a more comfortable position on the bed, I did my best to not let any nervousness show on my face. Jesus, this shouldn’t be this hard to do. I supposed somewhere in my subconscious mind, I knew things might not go the way I was hoping.
Red flag, red flag, red flag!
And then the shower started up. Oh, come on! He’d just showered last night before bed. A glance at the alarm clock kicked my determination into overdrive. Shaw would be leaving soon if he had any chance of making a punctual appearance at Striker. Though actually, he was the boss now and on a salary income, so it wasn’t like he was punching the time clock. I’d used that argument on many occasions, but he’d always countered it with the whole “leading by example” stance. Excuses: he always had a slew of them.
Not this morning.
Steeling my nerves, I walked into the bathroom, determined to get some things off my chest before he could shut me down.
“Shaw?” I called to him through the shower door.
“Cassidy? What are you doing up so early?” Though the design of the shower door skewed the details of his body, I could still make out that he was washing up.
“I need to talk to you, so I left Abe sleeping—”
“What?” he asked, still not pausing in his bathing routine. “I can’t hear you over the shower.”
Taking care not to be too loud as to wake Abe, I raised the volume of my voice a bit and tried again. “I said, I need to talk to you, so—”
“Can it wait until I get out, sweetness? I really can’t hear you.”
“Sure.” I hadn’t even tried to be heard that time. Something told me even if I’d yelled it, the word would’ve fallen on deaf ears. I wasn’t ready to give up, though.
Back out in the bedroom, I made the most of my time by making the bed, and then I took a seat again, waiting for him to emerge from the bathroom. Once the water shut off, I knew it would be only moments before he came out. I was wrong. By the time Shaw made an appearance, his teeth were brushed, his hair was styled, his face was clean-shaven, and his cologne had been applied. But he was still naked. With the exception of the towel he wore around his waist, that is.
My body had changed markedly over the last three years. Having a baby never affected the father’s physique, only the mother’s. Where there used to be a flat belly, I now had a pooch with faint stretch marks marring my skin. Proof that I was a tigress who’d earned her stripes, they said. And the gravitational pull of the entire freaking universe had inevitably found what used to be perky breasts. My hips were wider, my ass a little flatter, and all my muscle tone was now solely in my arms, and only then thanks to packing Abe around so much. But Shaw?
Shaw’s body hadn’t changed in the least. Strong shoulders sloped into arms corded by taut muscles. His chest was toned to perfection, decorated by a smattering of curly hair in the center. The way his abs rippled seemed like a trip to the gym was part of his regular schedule, though it wasn’t. And then there was that V cut to his waist. He was definitely still drool worthy. In that moment, I wished with all my might that he’d stalk over to where I sat and push me back onto the bed to have his very wicked way with me. Just like he used to do. Though that wasn’t going to happen.
“What’s up?” he asked as he went to his dresser and pulled out a pair of underwear.
I wanted to answer him, I really did, but my brain went all wonky when the towel dropped to the floor and his glorious ass was bared. And that wasn’t the only thing that had been bared. Apparently, his wet body exposed to the cool air of the room had no effect on Shaw’s other rather endowed assets. His cock and balls hung heavy amid a patch of dark hair, the size most men probably wanted to be. And he was limp, for goodness’ sake.
“Hello? Earth to Cassidy,” he said, snapping the boxer briefs in place and removing the distraction.
“Sorry,” I said, closing my eyes to gather my wits about me, though all I could think about was the time in Stonington when I’d begged to suck his cock and he had denied me over and over again until he’d been ready to feed it to me. “Um, I need…I need to talk to you.”
Crossing the room to his closet, he pulled out his attire for the day and began to dress. “About?”
Good question. Perhaps if I hadn’t seen him nude, I would’ve known the answer. Just as I was about to attempt verbal communication, his cellphone rang.
“Hold on,” he said, grabbing it to check the caller ID. “Shit. I have to take this. Matthews,” he answered the phone without waiting for any further argument from me.
Defeated, I huffed out of the room, closing the door none too quietly behind me. Once I’d stomped my way into the kitchen, I started a pot of coffee and planted myself on one of the stools at the counter bar. I’d be the first thing Shaw would see when he came out of the room, an obstacle on his way out the door. It dawned on me that there was something wholly wrong about thinking of myself as an obstacle in the first place, but that was what I’d become.
When Shaw came out, he was completely dressed with briefcase in one hand and his cellphone still in the other, just wrapping up a conversation. “Okay, I’ll be there within a few minutes.”
Ending the call, he put the phone into his pocket, leaning down as he did so to give me a chaste kiss on the cheek. “Have a good day. I’ll see you when I get home.”
A chaste kiss. That was all I was going to get? I remembered a time when Shaw’s farewells included bending m
e over the counter for a quickie because he couldn’t stand the thought of being away from me all day. Those were the sorts of quickies I didn’t mind, feverish and passionate, so unlike the one from last night.
My trip down Memory Lane nearly sidetracked me from my mission as Shaw was two steps away from disappearing for the day. I stood and rushed for the front door, throwing myself against it to block him from leaving.
Shaw pulled up short, drawing his head back in confusion. “What are you doing?”
I had to admit even I was a little shocked by my behavior. I guess desperate times call for desperate measures. “I’ve been waiting all morning, Shaw. Patiently. Can I have a minute, please?”
His brow furrowed, the first sign of concern I’d seen from him in what seemed like forever. And then he looked down at his watch again. “Yeah, sure,” he said. “But a minute is about all I have. What’s going on? Is Abe okay?”
“He’s fine, but we need to talk.”
He waved his free hand in the air for me to continue with every indication that I should make it quick. “You said that earlier. Should I guess at the topic, or would you like for me to read your mind?”
“Us,” I said simply. “We need to talk about us.”
Right on cue, he rolled his eyes in annoyance. “Cass, Wade apparently has some epic announcement he wants to make to the rest of the staff today, but not before discussing it with me. As I speak, he’s sitting in my office, waiting for me to haul my ass in there. I’m sorry, but I can’t do this right now.”
“Well, I have to do this right now. I can’t go through another second without doing it. Wade will get over it.”
Shaw dropped his briefcase onto the couch, undoubtedly aggravated by my insistence. “Fine. What is it? I already apologized for yesterday, so what could I possibly have done wrong between last night and this morning?”
“Are you serious right now?” I was flabbergasted by his annoyance. “You make me feel like I can’t talk to you about things that are bothering me, Shaw. Don’t you see that as a problem? This is exactly why I wanted to see a counselor. Because you refuse to talk to me about our issues.”
His stare was blank, though the way he looked down at that stupid watch was a clear indication that the clock was running on how much time he’d allow me to get out what I had to say.
“I love you.” Hearing my own voice, I wondered if people were supposed to sound so desperate when they said those three words. Like I was willing him to love me back. To say it and convince me that he meant it. “Look at me.”
He did.
I needed to hold his attention without any distraction so I could see with my own eyes what I knew with my heart. And oh, God, but I hoped my heart was wrong. “Tell me.”
“Really? You want to do this right now?” When I didn’t answer, he closed his eyes and let his head fall back in aggravation. Then he put a hand on his hip, took a deep breath, and faced off with me again. But he looked nothing like the Shaw I once knew. The way he regarded me was like he was looking right through me. “I love you, Cass.”
I shook my head, knowing in an instant that what he said wasn’t true.
Shaw jumped on my reaction, quick to come to his own defense. “Yes, I do. I tell you I love you every single day. Multiple times a day.”
I nodded because it was true. He did. “You tell me. But it’s the way you look at me.”
Another one of those exasperated sighs. “That doesn’t even make any sense. What are you talking about?”
“It’s not the same, Shaw.”
He threw exasperated hands into the air and spun around in a circle. “Oh. My. God! How? How is it not the same?”
“Your eyes don’t match the sentiment anymore. It’s like you’re on autopilot.” I closed my eyes to gather my thoughts and find the words that would make him understand. Once I had them, I opened my eyes again. “You used to look at me like I hung the moon.”
He saw me then, those piercing blue eyes conveying the potent truth of his next words. “That’s because once upon a time, you did.”
Finally. Truth.
There was a moment of stillness then. A moment that held the same eerie awkwardness one might feel during a ceremonial silence at a funeral. I think we both realized it at the same time. Shaw picked up his briefcase, turned his back to me, and walked away. All I could do was stare after him. So I did. I stared until the tears flooding my eyes rendered me blind and I could see him no more. Though maybe I hadn’t seen him in quite a long time.
I’d like to say my heart was broken, but it wasn’t. I was feeling something much more devastating than that. I felt empty and cold, like that place inside me that held the core of everything I believed in was suddenly vacant.
Vacant. That was the word. Like the room built for three, once filled to capacity with love, now only held a lonely woman clinging tightly to the hand of a small child, and there was way too much space on her other side. I wondered if that was how a war widow felt when she received the news that the love of her life had suddenly been erased from existence. I decided it wasn’t. It wasn’t, because those men had not chosen to be eradicated. Shaw had. He had and there was nothing I could do about it.
There was nothing left of what we once were to hold on to anymore.
Wiping the tears from my eyes, I gathered myself to do what needed to be done. There was no time for a breakdown because I had a child I needed to take care of, plans to make for our future. So with a shaky hand, I fished my cellphone out of my purse and dialed the number that had been my lifeline for as many years as I’d been living. By the second ring, a warm, loving voice answered.
“Cassidy? Is everything okay?”
“No, Ma. Everything is not okay. I’m coming home.”
CHAPTER 3
Shaw
I didn’t mean it. I swear, I didn’t. Cassidy’s insistence that something was wrong between us, that I felt any differently about her now than I did when I’d first realized I was in love with her damn near four years ago, had finally pushed me to my limit. So I’d told her what I’d thought she wanted to hear.
I still loved her. I still thought she hung the moon. Though I was concerned that the lie had fallen so easily from my lips.
Goddammit! Why did she have to push me so much? She knew I was in a hurry, so why did we have to have that conversation right then and there instead of waiting until I got home from work? I was stressed the fuck out, juggling clients while being a partner at SSE and doing my absolute best to take care of my family, to be different from my own parents. I didn’t sleep well at nights, my brain constantly spinning out of control with everything I had to do, who I had to please, moves I needed to forecast…everything. And Cassidy was just piling the bullshit on top.
No, I didn’t spend much time at home, but that was because I couldn’t. I was only one man; there was only so much I could do, and I’d been stretched pretty damn thin as it was. You’d think the woman who was supposed to love me would try to understand that.
I thought Cassidy and I were supposed to be partners in this whole parenting thing. It had been working well, by my assessment. She was the nurturer. I was the provider. Abe had the best of both worlds, and that was a million miles away from Planet Don’t Give a Shit, where my parents had apparently hailed from.
Abe had it made. So had Cassidy. She got to be at home with Abe, for Christ’s sake! If either of us had a reason to feel resentment toward the other, it was me, not her. I’d give anything to be able to spend a day playing with him. But I had to provide for my little man, make sure he’d never want for anything, that he’d get the best education money could buy and every opportunity that may come his way until he could make his own name in life. I was making sacrifices so he wouldn’t have to, so Cassidy wouldn’t have to. And what thanks did I get for that? Reminders that my best just wasn’t good enough, and probably never would be.
This was the exact reason I never did the relationship thing in the past!
When the car in front of me moved ahead, I gave a roar of frustration and punched the gas pedal, only to have to stomp on the brake because morning traffic in San Diego was stop-and-go, at best. I might have stood a chance with it if I’d left on time, but Cassidy’s need to talk had landed me smack dab in the middle of it. My day could only keep getting better from here. Yeah, right. How was I supposed to concentrate on anything else when all I could hear was the sheer desperation in my woman’s voice, when all I could see in her eyes was some sort of plea for me to make things right? Jesus, I’d made her cry, broken her fucking heart.
And then I’d walked out on her. I was an ass of the highest degree.
I thought about turning around and going back to her…to apologize, to let her beat the shit out of me, to hold her tight and make sweet love to her the way we used to. Thought about it and then thought better of it. We both needed some time, a breather to let things cool down. Plus my business partner, Wade, was waiting for me at the office to discuss a pertinent matter, or so I assumed, considering the urgency surrounding the phone call I’d received from him earlier.
Great. Something else to pile on top of my plate.
By the time I made it to the office—late—I’d already convinced myself of half a dozen things that could be wrong. Things like Striker Sports Entertainment going bankrupt or that every client we represented was currently breaking contracts and jumping ship. Not that they’d have cause to; we treated all of our clients with the utmost respect and made sure we were available to them whenever and wherever they needed us.
I’d been overreacting, though, stressing myself out for no reason. I really needed to stop doing that before I developed an ulcer. Or worse, had a stroke.
“Sorry I’m late. Rush-hour traffic,” I told Wade as I put my briefcase on the floor and took the seat behind my desk.
He was sitting legs crossed in front of me with a piping hot cup of coffee in hand. Thank God, Ben had been seeing to his needs.