“But you could do something. Outsource stuff or something like that?”
“Maybe. But I don’t want to. I’m happy as I am.” Wow, he seemed more up with how things operated in the tech world than I would’ve thought.
“Well, that’s the main thing. So long as you aren’t letting some stupid thing in your head hold you back.” He scrutinised me as though he knew all about my life.
“You’re a fine one to talk about that.”
Tex put down his fork.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, and don’t get all shitty and storm out because I’m saying this, but your music. There’s something holding you back, isn’t there? You love it but you refuse to play.”
“I loved it. Past tense. I don’t love it any more.”
I raised my eyebrows. “You can tell yourself that but I don’t believe you. Why did you run back into the house and save your guitar?”
He pushed his food around his bowl, playing with it without eating. The man was like a porcupine. Every time he thought something would hurt him, the spikes came out. I could understand that but it was really annoying when people turned that behaviour against you. Being the spiky one, that worked for me, but I hated being spiked.
“It was a gift. It had meaning.”
“Must’ve been a lot of meaning for you to risk your life like that.”
“Well, I was drunk.”
Yeah, there was that. The guitar sat in the corner of the bedroom, ignored since we’d moved into the studio. He’d never even picked it up. I never heard him play that song either but then he was in the sound booth for so much of the time. He could’ve been listening to anything in there.
I wanted to ask him why he stopped playing but that would have taken me from the shaky ground I was already on into the abyss. I didn’t want to go there. Just when Tex started to open up, I didn’t want to push too hard and have him shut down again.
Just like I’d shut down on him. We really were a fine pair, wrapped up tight in our armour to keep the hurts deep inside us.
“Can you play something for me?” I asked, instead. I didn’t even know where that came from.
He didn’t say no. He just looked at me as though trying to make a decision. I waited, curious to see which way it would go. Finally, he stood up and went into the bedroom. He came back with the guitar and began strumming it.
He didn’t sing, he just played a melody that sounded like hearts breaking and things deep inside dying. I wondered why he played that to me. It was too raw and too painful. Maybe somewhere, wrapped inside that music were the real reasons he’d stopped playing. In that moment, I felt I understood something essential about him. That he had been broken deep inside and somehow the broken parts of him matched the broken parts of me. I wanted to hold him tight but I wasn’t a person who could do that. Instead, I just sat and listened.
When he finished, I thought he’d put the guitar down but instead he played that song I’d heard him listen to so many times. He sang the words and even smiled. When he played it, he had a light in his eyes that hadn’t been there before. The song was okay but it seemed to me like he was using it to cover up the raw wounds he’d exposed to me. Like plastering on a fake smile.
I clapped when he finished and was about to give him words of encouragement but he just got up and went back to the bedroom. In the doorway, he turned back to me.
“Ruby, I’m glad I kissed you last night,” he said with a wink. Then he was gone. I wanted to chase after him and ask him what he meant by that but I was too afraid.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
“I guess we should get started on rebuilding the house,” Tex said over breakfast.
I nearly dropped my spoon. He’d been so in denial about any details of the rebuilding that I thought he’d just live like that forever. He looked serious though. Not that he’d joke about something like that. Or would he? I had to wonder about Tex after that whole kissing thing. I didn’t like being perplexed.
“Have you decided on the plans? Are you going to use the original layout or go with something else?”
I’d tried to discuss that with him a few times and he’d brushed me off but I figured I should take advantage of this new-found enthusiasm to get a commitment to a firm plan.
“Probably the original layout. Maybe update the kitchen a little.”
“Are you going to give me a raise to deal with the increased workload? Because I think that is something you really need to consider. I’ll have to do all the co-ordination with the work crews and get you to make decisions and run around doing stuff. This is going to be a nightmare for me.”
“You’re the one that keeps nagging me to do it.”
He smiled, really smiled, which shocked me, since I saw it so rarely. It wasn’t just a grin or a half-smile but an honest to goodness smile. Even the colour of his eyes seemed to change to a brighter blue, sparkling and alive. And that dimple did crazy things to my insides. I really had to make sure he didn’t smile around me too much or I’d end up with all kinds of crazy thoughts about him. There were already bits of my body that I’d lost control of. I tried not to squirm in my seat. I didn’t want him to know how much he affected me.
“Yeah, I just want more money.”
“And what are you going to spend it on?”
He had me there. I was a girl of simple needs. I could get by on so little. But that wasn’t the issue. If I had to suffer personal hardships like having to deal with people, I needed danger money.
“It’s not a case of what I want to buy,” I replied. “It’s a case of what I’m worth.”
“Okay, name your price.” He leered in a way that made me think he hoped my price wasn’t financial. If the smile hadn’t been bad enough, that leer was lethal. When he looked like that, I could see the rock star inside Tex O’Malley. The charismatic lead man who had women around the world screaming his name in a lust-fuelled frenzy.
I blushed and shovelled a mouthful of cereal into my mouth as an excuse not to talk. He kept his gaze on me with that leer though and I had to stop the laser beams of hot sexuality being focused in my direction.
“You can’t afford it.”
“Tell me how much you want and I’ll pay it.”
“Well then, if you want me to stick around and do this, play the festival. That’s my price.”
His gaze didn’t falter but he shook his head. That look was definitely gone and, while I’d freaked out with its intensity, I wanted it back again.
“Anything but that. Why do you even care?”
I tried to scoop up the last flakes of cereal in my bowl. I didn’t look up. I didn’t want him to see me thinking about it.
“Hannah told me about the money. You are going to be screwed if you don’t do this. You need to face up to facts. If you want to rebuild the house, you’re going to need money.”
I gulped. I wasn’t sure if I was meant to let on that I knew but I hated playing games. Honesty is the best policy in my book. It means that you don’t have to keep track of things in your brain.
“So, I don’t rebuild the house and we keep living here in the studio?”
“You know that’s not a long term solution. Even if you stay living here, you are going to need to spend money to make it work. We don’t have a proper bathroom. We don’t have a proper kitchen. And we really need to have more than a screen between us when we are sleeping.”
Especially that last bit. Having Tex’s body so tantalisingly close, being able to hear him breathing at night and knowing he was almost within arm’s reach could almost drive a girl insane. Already, I’d been getting this phobia that I’d end up sleep walking or just losing control of myself and winding up in his bed, molesting him in my sleep. People did things like that. I’d looked it up on the internet. And, while it was incredibly tempting to think I could do something like that without having to take responsibility for my actions, it’d be embarrassing as hell. We had to keep it purely business.
“That won’t cost t
hat much…”
“The other thing is that you aren’t alive, Tex. Not really. You can’t just stay shut up from the world. I mean, me, I’m fine with it. I actually hate the world, but you have a talent and a gift. Not just to make music but to connect with people. You are running away because of some fear buried deep inside you. You need to fight that.”
“Is that so?”
He didn’t look happy, that was for sure. People weren’t when you started probing around their insides and telling them what was good for them. He wasn’t backing off though. He wasn’t leaving. That was a major step up in resolving the whole thing.
“Yep, it’s so.”
“Well, it’s not going to happen. The money thing is fine. I can live on next to nothing. Hell, you can even have your choice of bedrooms in the new house, but you can’t make me do that.”
I finally got those last flakes on my spoon but they weren’t so appealing any more. It was getting into deep and heavy stuff, the kind of stuff that I wasn’t so sure about. What if Tex did open up to me? I’d have the weight of his big secret on me and I wasn’t sure if I could handle that.
When Tex decided to get into action, he really moved. Within days we had an architect visiting with the plans for the new house.
“When he shows up tomorrow, just tell him to leave the plans on the table. I’ll be busy.”
“Busy with what? You need to talk to the guy yourself. In person. He’ll have questions and you’ll have questions. This isn’t just buying groceries online. It’s a house. One that you have to live in. Wow, if I had to have a house built, I’d be so overwhelmed. I mean, you could build anything. Don’t you want to be sure the place is perfect?”
He put his head on the side, considering what I’d said.
“No. Anything is fine. Just tell him to leave it. If I need to discuss things, I’ll email him.” The tone of his voice reminded me of when I’d first come there, the way he’d avoided me back then. I’d kinda forgotten he’d even been like that. It’d been like the wild animal in him had almost been domesticated.
“It’s going to be a pain in the butt, having all the work going on,” I said. “All that machinery and noise…”
“Luckily we have soundproofing.” He almost grinned now that I’d pretty much agreed to dealing with the architect.
“How long does it take to build a house anyway?”
“It depends. Maybe six months, maybe a year. But hey, good news. The architect knows a place that hires out portable bathrooms. He’s going to organise one for us. You just hook it up and you get hot water and everything.”
“Why have we not had one of these the whole time we’ve been here?”
I’m not fastidious about cleanliness by any means but the thought of being able to get into a proper shower and wash myself clean seemed like heaven. I’d been struggling with the stupid camping shower for too long. I’d never felt like I was really clean.
Tex told me the web page name and I looked it up.
“Wow, that looks like a real bathroom.”
Seriously, it wasn’t like one of those dodgy portaloos. It was a little trailer with a sweet little bathroom in it. Sure, it’d be a pain in the butt having to run from the trailer to the studio but I’d have hot, running water.
While the bathroom thing was pretty damn sweet, I wasn’t sure I could spend a whole year in the studio with Tex. Not with the way his existence played with my senses. I needed physical distance from him so my mind could go back to normal. Even when I was asleep, the scent of him wove its way into my dreams. He’d activated every single one of my dormant hormones.
I took the washing up bowl into the bathroom and filled it with hot water then carried it back to the kitchen. Maybe we could get a portable kitchen too if such a thing existed.
I’d still been thinking of a way to get him to agree to play the festival. Since confronting him directly about it did no good, I had to think of a plan that would jolt him into action.
There was something I’d thought of but I wasn’t sure if it’d be wise. It’d definitely jolt him but I wasn’t sure if it’d be the right kind of jolt. We lived in a happy co-existence most of the time and, if I interfered too much in his life, maybe he’d end up rejecting me completely. I’d be out on the street and, even more than that, I’d not be with Tex at all.
Stupidly, that guy had worked his way into my life. I couldn’t even imagine a future without him. I could see us, stretched on like that forever. Living in the same house, most of the time not even talking but always aware of each other. I wasn’t even sure if there was a name for our relationship. We weren’t friends and we sure as heck weren’t romantically involved at all. One kiss meant nothing, right?
But living there like a pair of hermits wrapped up in ourselves, that worked for me. I didn’t need him kissing me. I could subdue those urges. They were just hormones.
I pushed the thoughts of a confrontation to the back of my mind. I wouldn’t interfere. Was that fair on Tex though?
I heard his footsteps behind me and turned around with my sudsy hands.
“They are asking me about insulation options,” he said. “What do I know about insulation?”
I had no answers for him — I knew nothing myself — but I noticed how his gaze rested on me. His clear blue eyes seemed to search me for answers. My heart quivered for a moment, as though he’d asked me something else entirely. He could do that to me at times — just stop the world so that I didn’t notice anything but him.
But it was just hormones.
If he did agree to play the festival, would I lose that Tex completely? I’d have to share him with the world and that wouldn’t be good for me. He could look at me as if I was the only woman in the world sometimes and I guess, for him, I was. It wasn’t not like I had a whole heap of competition. Once he went back into the world though, I’d fade into the background.
That was dangerous. I couldn’t think like that.
It made me realise I needed to go through with the plan. I just hoped it would fix him rather than breaking him more. But I couldn’t selfishly keep him to myself. I couldn’t let my own fears and insecurities hold him back. If I was going to be the one that got destroyed by it, I had to make that sacrifice.
After I finished washing up, I went for a walk. I had to get away from Tex to make a phone call. This could start a chain of action that would drive a wedge between the two of us, creating a split that would never be mended. I wasn’t even sure if Tex would let me live through it but, if it worked, it might start him mending – that was the most important thing. We couldn’t live like we were in some fairy world, enchanted and separate from the real world. Not forever.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Well, I’d done it. I’d organised an intervention or whatever you wanted to call it for Tex. It scared the hell out of me but I’d done it. Well, mostly Hannah had done it but I’d suggested it.
“Make sure he’s at home,” she’d said.
“Yeah, that’s the easy bit. It’s not like he’s ever not at home. This is the right thing to do? Maybe we need to have some kind of sedative on hand in case he goes on a rampage.”
I sat on a rock, staring out at the ocean for a long time. The sea was wild and choppy, just like me, and grey clouds hung heavy in the sky. It was nothing like the happy, sunny photos of Bali that Mum kept sending me. Why wasn’t I more like my parents? Their world seemed always tinged with sunshine yellow. They were gutsy and adventurous and actually liked people. It all sounded awful to me but it did seem to make things easier for them. They were happy. Maybe I just hadn’t inherited the happiness gene.
I pulled my cardigan tighter around myself and balled up my hands so they were safely warm within the sleeves.
I didn’t want to go back inside the studio to face Tex with that secret hanging heavy on my mind. It wasn’t even like I was scared of his anger. I’d faced that a few times. What really scared me was that I’d crossed the line. I’d gotten involved. Somethi
ng I’d promised myself I’d never do. I’d jumped, feet first, into a huge vat of sticky stuff that was labelled “FEELINGS” and I wasn’t sure if it would ever wash off.
It might be brutal but I had to stick it out. Why was I even doing this? It wasn’t my M.O. at all. I never got involved, never messed with other people’s lives. Never committed. I had entire strategies in place to keep me wrapped up in my isolation.
I was NOT the sort of girl who fell for a pair of blue eyes and jumped through hoops to get those eyes to sparkle. I wasn’t the kind who let one stupid kiss go to her head.
I sighed. Tex O’Malley had gotten to me. That I couldn’t deny. Sometimes I wished he was the cranky old man I’d imagined when I took the job. That would’ve been far easier than living with a rollercoaster of emotion.
A little drizzle started to fall. I thought I could sit it out but it soon soaked into my clothes. I had to head back to the studio.
I got halfway up the path and the light drizzle turned to a torrential rain. My hair stuck to my face and rivulets of water ran down my body. I couldn’t even see properly. My clothes stuck to my legs, making it hard to walk, and the path turned into a mud bath. My feet slipped around and my runners soon filled with mud that squelched through the fabric.
I tried to stick to the side of the path where the vegetation at least provided some traction for my feet but that meant I had spiky plants whipping around my legs.
My phone beeped but I wasn’t stopping to get it out of my pocket. The message could wait.
I felt sure that it was an omen that I should not return to the studio, that I’d made a huge mistake and I should just run far away but my feet kept squelching along the path. I needed to go home and, for some stupid reason, I thought of home as being with Tex.
As I got near to the studio, the rain stopped and the stupid sun came out. That made me angry. I’d gotten saturated for no reason. I could’ve sheltered under a tree or something for the ten minutes of that insane rainfall.
I took off my shoes. They were pretty much wrecked from all the mud soaked through them. Then I stripped off my cardigan and then hung it to dry on the porch. I didn’t want to drip water all over the floor. My sweatpants and t-shirt were wet enough as it was. All I wanted to do was get under a warm shower. The cold had gotten all the way through to my bones.
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