by Lori L. Otto
After a few minutes the waiter stops by and sets the plate of food in front of me. I’m not hungry in the slightest, but I know I’ll feel better if I eat something. I take slow bites of the savory bar food and drink a few glasses of water before pushing the plate away.
From behind me, a hand appears. Not any hand. One delicately wrapped in a white fiberglass cast. Before I realize who it is, before I get my hopes up, a ring– the ring– is carefully set down onto the bar in front of me.
She came.
She came to Texas.
She came to Texas to give me back the ring.
I pick up the ring that I had selected for her and only her, examining it carefully, and I notice her sitting down beside me in my peripheral vision. I can’t even look at her. I guess I won’t forever be known as the man with the most expensive lawn ornament in Manhattan...
“Where was it?” I ask, unable to hide the disappointment.
“Chris had it all along,” she says, the sound of her voice making my pulse quicken. I nod quietly, taking it in. “Can I have a french fry?” she casually asks. I push the plate toward her, still staring at the piece of jewelry that was to symbolize my undying love for her. “You didn’t mention we would be staying in a hotel,” she says.
“It was supposed to be a surprise. I thought it would be nice to have some time alone, outside our element, away from it all, after yesterday...”
“It’s really nice,” she says. “You don’t seem happy to see me.”
“I’m overjoyed,” I say sarcastically. “How could I be hap–”
“Are you two doing okay over here?” the bartender asks.
“Another water here, and a glass of red wine for her,” I tell him, abandoning our conversation.
“Diet soda, actually,” she corrects me. “I just took some pain killers,” she mumbles. “I tried to call you this morning, and text you... but you wouldn’t answer.” I simply nod. “Look at me,” she says, grabbing my arm with her good hand, forcing me to look into her pale green eyes. Her stare begins to chip away at my defenses. “Why didn’t you answer?”
“My phone broke yesterday, Em. I had planned on getting it replaced this morning, but I decided to go straight to the airport... so I could be there, waiting with open arms, when you decided to show up... but you never did.”
“I overslept,” she says, her eyes dropping to the gaping expanse between us. “They gave me pain killers last night, and I didn’t set my alarm... and I tried to call you... I caught the next plane out.”
“Why did you come here, Emi?” I ask, impatient, focusing my attention again to the glass of water in front of me.
“You asked me a question, and I needed to answer it.”
I don’t really want to know her answer. I can’t bear to hear it vocalized. She already answered– without words– when she gave the ring back to me.
“Seems pretty obvious,” I say, picking up the piece of jewelry. “Emi, I don’t want this back. I bought it for you. You should keep it.” I open the palm of her right hand, place the ring in it and close her fingers around it.
“Just listen to me, okay? You asked me who I would choose if he was still here, you or him...”
“I know what I asked, Emi, I’ve been replaying the conversation in my head for the better part of a day.” The alcohol has removed any filter between my brain and my mouth.
“Okay, Jack, yes, it would be him,” she says as she sets the ring back down on the bar. Her words and actions sting even more than I thought they would.
“Another scotch, please,” I tell the bartender when he brings Emi’s soda. “Make it a double.”
“You don’t normally drink like this,” Emi says, her voice thick with disapproval.
“I don’t normally get dumped by the love of my life, either, so give me this, alright?”
“Jack, will you listen to me? And look at me?”
“What more can you say, Emi? I’ve heard all I need to hear.”
“No, you haven’t,” she says, touching my chin gingerly and angling my face toward hers. I purposely didn’t shave this morning to hide the small bruise she left on my skin. “Does it still hurt?”
“I imagine your punch hurt you far more than it hurt me,” I tell her, gently removing her hand from my jaw. “I’m fine.”
“Well, I’m still sorry,” she says, her voice confident and determined. “Please let me talk, though, okay? I didn’t come all this way for it to end like this.”
“Fine, remind me who you chose: him or me...”
“Him, Jack... but it’s because I would never have known the great love I’d have been missing out on with you. You and I only had a chance at love in his absence, so you asking me this hypothetical question isn’t fair... not at all.
“You know, it’s actually the other way around, Jack,” she whispers, leaning into me and combing her fingers through my hair. “I only loved him enough. I loved him enough to forego that crazy tingling that I felt when I kissed you back in college. I didn’t feel that connection, that soulmate-feeling with him, but I felt enough love for him that I knew I would be happy with him, always. I knew he would take care of me like no one else could...
“Except you... but I didn’t know how important you would be to me until he was gone.”
I stare deeply into her eyes, wanting to believe this will somehow turn out in my favor, but fearing the worse nonetheless.
“You gave me life again, Jack. I was barely surviving... and you saved me. And I’m grateful to you for that.”
“So, I’m like your hero, but I somehow don’t get the girl?” I laugh.
“Jack, if everything disappeared tomorrow, and all that was left was me and you,” she says with passion, “you would be all I would ever need. I would never want for anything more, or anyone else.”
“Em–”
“I’m not finished,” she says, putting her index finger over my mouth. I hold her hand there and kiss her finger, softly. She smiles and takes a deep breath before continuing. “I love that you anticipate my every need. I love that you let me mess up your hair when we fool around, and I love that you’ll leave it that way because you know I like it. I love that you know my favorite drink, my favorite color, my favorite music, my favorite flower... I love that you wear the jeans that I like on you, even though I know you’re more comfortable in dress clothes,” She allows her knee to nudge mine. “I love that you surprise me with trips and nice hotel rooms, even when I’ve been a total bitch to you. I love that you gave me space to figure everything out for myself. To figure out what you already knew, that you and I were made for each other. I love that you’re considerate of me and patient with me. I love that you forgive me. I love that you defend me. I love that you love me. I love that you allow me to love you the best I know how... and Jack, I’m sorry if you’ve ever felt like you were second best...”
She swallows and takes a deep breath before continuing.
“I love you more than I’ve loved any man, ever, in my life. I’ve known it for quite some time, but I’ve never been able to say it. And you know what? It is such a relief to say it. I love you with all my heart, Jack. All of it. Not just most of it, not with what he left... all of it. To the point that it physically hurt to watch you walk out on me in the waiting room last night.”
“I know that feeling well,” I tell her, holding her hand in mine tightly.
“I am so sorry, Jack. I’m sorry for doing that to you, and for threatening to do it again. I’m sorry I caused you such pain... I didn’t know... I mean, you’ve never walked out on me before. You’ve never not taken care of me. I thought you had given up on me. It was in that moment that I knew I had to give you everything, all of me, or it would all be gone. And it felt right, I wasn’t afraid, I wasn’t feeling like I was betraying anyone... I just felt like I was finally being honest with myself, with you... even with him...”
I blot newly emerging tears in her eyes with my napkin, holding her head in my hand.
<
br /> “So, Jack, yes, I want to marry you. I want to pick a date. I want to move in with you. I don’t ever want to be without you. I want to love you until death do us part. And I hope it’s a long time away, because I have a lot of love to give you.”
“But kids...” I interject, noticing her obvious omission.
“Jack, what scares me the most,” she says, “is that– for whatever reason– we won’t get a child. Either they’ll interview me and think I’m unfit–”
“Emi, don’t start with that again,” I cut her off.
“Let me finish. It’s not just that. That’s just one thing that could go wrong. What if we never find the right child? Or something falls through? I mean, just because we want to adopt doesn’t mean we’ll end up with children.”
“Why wouldn’t we end up with children?” I ask.
“I don’t know. But it’s a possibility. And Jack, I can’t bear to see that disappointment on your face again. Especially over and over again, if we’re rejected for whatever reasons, or if the mother changes her mind... whatever happens... That would crush me. And I’m most afraid of...” She hesitates, swallows hard. “I’m afraid you’d leave if it didn’t happen for us.”
“I wouldn’t leave you,” I promise her.
“You don’t know that.”
“No, Emi, I do know that. I need you to know that.” She stares at me intently as I shake my head. “I wouldn’t,” I whisper to her. “I wouldn’t.”
“I just want to be enough...”
“God, Emi,” I tell her before kissing her deeply. I stand up from my chair to hold her body closer to mine in a tight embrace. “I promise, I won’t leave you.”
“Can you forgive me?” she whispers in my ear.
“Of course I can, Emi. I do.” I continue to wipe the tears from her face with my thumbs, but more fall in their place. I kiss both of her cheeks, tasting the warm saline, hoping to take away any remaining sadness that she might feel. I pull her close again and breathe her in, still numb from the liquor but feeling alive all over again. My lips find hers again, hungry for her kiss, ravishing them. My hand travels down her back, then underneath her shirt and back up again. My eyes open with curiosity as she laughs softly.
In the moment, I had forgotten we weren’t alone, but immediately I want to be alone with her.
“I’d like to close my tab now,” I tell the bartender, my eyes never leaving hers.
“No way, man,” he says smiling, handing me back my card. “It’s on the house.” I pull my wallet out to put the card away, and take out the largest bill I have, leaving it on the counter with him as a tip.
“Don’t forget this,” he says, handing me the ring. I nearly trip over Emi’s luggage– one suitcase– not realizing she brought it with her. She steadies me, giving me a reproachful look, as I take the handle and drag it behind me.
“I’m fine, Emi,” I tell her. “One bag? That’s it?”
“I was in a hurry. They have stores here, right?”
“Of course,” I laugh, kissing her once more.
“So why did you give the ring back to me, Em?” I ask as we leave the bar.
“It doesn’t really fit right now,” she frowns, holding up her cast.
“How bad is it?”
“Broken thumb, hairline fracture on my knuckle.”
“I’m sorry,” I tell her through a small smile. “Does it hurt?”
“A little... listen, Jack, I’m sorry.”
“Just next time, don’t tuck your thumb, alright?”
“I promise, I’ll never hit you again.”
“I promise, Emi,” I tell her, “I’ll never give you a reason to.”
Once in the room, I lie down on the bed while Emi begins to unpack her suitcase, my head in a daze of alcohol and pure bliss. “How did you know where to find me?” I ask her.
“I called Kelly this morning– by the way, she’s been trying to call you all day. Anyway, she gave me Steven’s address. So from the airport, I just took a cab there... and he was surprised to see me there, assuming we were together. He told me you were here.”
“When did your flight get in?”
“Probably about thirty minutes after yours did. I watched your plane leave the terminal and then frantically ran to get the next flight.”
“How was Stevie, towards you?”
“Gracious. Very nice. Very concerned that we weren’t together. I just told him I missed the flight... but your phone call made him suspicious that something was going on. He said you sounded drunk.”
“Nice,” I say. “Did they ask about the cast?”
“Of course,” she smiles. “I told them I fell... I guess if you want to make a liar out of me, that would be okay. I deserve it.”
“No, I like your story better.”
Her eyes stare at me warmly, and she takes a break from hanging her clothes to inspect my jaw closer, pressing her lips gently against it.
“It’s really fine,” I whisper. “My lips ache for you more.” She runs her fingers through my hair as her mouth softly touches mine, her eyes piercing into mine. “I want you,” I tell her, holding on to her as she pulls away.
“You can have me... just a little later.” She walks back to her suitcase, and I smile at her as she struggles with the hangers with her one good hand. “I could help you with that.”
“No, you just stay there. Sober up. You do know your parents are here, don’t you?” she asks, her tone saying that she knows I had no idea.
As the silence spreads between us, I immediately regret that I haven’t told them about our situation. Even though I asked him not to, I hope that Steven filled them in... but when I look into Emi’s eyes, I get the feeling that he did not.
“No, I wasn’t aware of that.”
She sits down next to me and holds my hand after handing me a bottle of water.
“Yeah, Matty’s here, too. Lucas couldn’t make it, though... It’s a surprise birthday party for you. It was supposed to be today, apparently, but they’re rescheduling for tomorrow. Act surprised.”
“Damn,” I mutter, regretting the afternoon spent drinking away my sorrows... sorrows that would have gone away immediately if I had gone straight to Steven’s house after the flight.
“So, my parents,” I begin cautiously, “did they... say anything to you?”
“As a matter of fact, they did.”
I squint slightly at her and she nods her head.
“They asked me why we came down here for a visit,” she begins. I close my eyes and sigh, disappointed in myself as I see what’s coming. “I told them we had wanted to talk to Renee about adoption.
“They were thrilled, and asked me if that was something I’d always wanted to pursue... and I told them I had never considered it until we found out that I couldn’t have children.”
“Emi, I just wanted to tell them in person...”
“So, needless to say, they were shocked,” she continues as if she doesn’t hear my excuse. “They had tons of questions... most just like yours: was I sure, what happened, did we get a second opinion, yadda yadda yadda,” she says, still smiling. “Your mom cried a little, but she went in the other room to try to hide her tears from me. Renee went with her. Your dad did just what my dad would do. He changed the subject. Steven stayed next to me, holding my hand under the table through the whole thing.”
“I’m sorry, Emi, I had every intention of telling them. And I had no idea that they were here. None whatsoever. I never wanted you to have to tell them... especially alone.”
“It’s okay,” she says, patting my leg. “It was fine. They seemed disappointed at first, but then your mom came back in... refreshed, her makeup touched up... and she congratulated me... on our engagement and then on our decision to adopt. She thought it was very noble, charitable... very Jacks, she said. She said it with such pride.
“She said she can’t wait for us to start our lives together.”
I run my fingers through her hair, studying ever
y facial feature to see if she is angry with me, or disappointed... I can see nothing but love. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine, Jack,” she says. “I can’t wait to start my life with you, either.” I struggle to sit up, to kiss her, but she pushes me back into the pillows and leans in, presses her lips against mine. “Why don’t you try to sleep for awhile?”
“I just want to look at you,” I tell her, squinting again, the headache beginning to pulse.
“You can do that any time,” she says. “But right now, I think sleep would do you some good. There was a drug store within walking distance. I’ll go get something for the hangover you’re going to have... I forgot my toothbrush, anyway.”
“I can go with you,” I offer, but struggle to keep my eyes open.
“No, you can stay here. Just sleep.” She sweeps the hair from my forehead, then kisses it. “Let’s get your shoes off.” She pulls them off herself, then unbuttons my pants and slides them down my legs. “If you need anything, the phone’s right next to the bed,” she says softly. “I’ll write down my number–”
“212-555-9374,” I rattle off.
“Still, just in case,” she adds.
Hearing her set the pen and paper down, I reach out blindly for her arm, and tug her to the bed.
“Jack,” she laughs. “I’ll be right back.”
“Stay with me. Make love to me,” I plead.
“When I get back, I promise,” she says. “Get some sleep. I’ll be back in just a few minutes.”
“Promise?”
“Promise.” Suddenly, her lips are pressed hard against mine, and I feel our tongues tangle together again. She resists me when I try to pull her on top of me. “There’s a preview. Now let me go. The sooner I go, the sooner I’ll be back.”
“Okay, go,” I tell her, smiling, dreaming of her with me already.
The room is pitch black when I feel Emi crawl into bed behind me. She forms her body around mine, hitching her leg over my thighs. She places her arm across my chest, her cast laying on the bed in front of me.