by Lori L. Otto
“With this ring,” he said, taking my hand into his and sliding the circle on my finger, “I promise to be attentive, understanding, faithful, loving and kind, for all the days of our lives.”
The preacher then nodded at me.
“With this ring,” I repeated the vows we had agreed upon, putting the ring on his finger and holding it in place, my eyes confirming my devotion, “I promise to be attentive, understanding, faithful, loving and kind, for all the days of our lives.”
“And with that,” the officiant said, “I now pronounce you husband and wife.” He turned to the audience and announced, “May I now introduce to you Mr. and Mrs. Jackson and Emily Holland.”
Our guests applauded loudly, almost drowning out the most important part of the ceremony.
“Jack,” he said, “you may now kiss your wife.”
“Come here, you,” he says softly when I reach him in the front of the courtroom. I smile at his invitation. It was the same one he had murmured quietly before we exchanged our first kiss as husband and wife. He takes my head in his hands as my heart flutters in excitement, grabbing hold of his arms, barely hanging on to the carnations. He looks at me tentatively, just like he had that night in college, just like he had on our wedding night, measuring my reaction.
As his lips brush lightly against me, he closes his eyes just before I shut mine. We’d kissed this way hundreds of times, felt this electricity every time, but today, it feels different.
We part briefly to look into one another’s eyes, his deep blue into my pale green, then meet again for the deeper kiss. The chaotic room seems to go silent, the world around us disappearing as it always tends to do when he kisses me this way. A familiar little voice suddenly echoes in the cavernous hallway, just outside the courtroom, interrupting the quietness, but thankfully so. It’s almost time. Our smiles force the kiss to end, and he takes my hand in his and we both turn to the back of the room.
“Just a few more minutes...” he says as the door opens.
Our lawyer follows one of Livvy’s social workers into the courtroom. As Jack greets the lawyer, I turn my attention to the large crowd of our families that has gathered to witness this special occasion.
“Have you heard from Kelly?” I ask Jack’s parents.
“We just talked to her,” his mother confirms.
“Is Andrew feeling better?”
“He’s fine. It was just a sprained ankle, but Kell said he’s been in good spirits all morning.”
“Good.”
“I guess she should be meeting with the caterer right about now.”
“Sh...oot, Jack?” I interrupt his discussion with a tap on his shoulder. He turns and raises his eyebrows, his smile still warm. “I didn’t leave a key for your sister.”
“She came by the house yesterday, Poppet. I forgot to tell you, I had a spare made for her.”
“Of course,” I sigh. Always a step ahead of me. “Thanks.” He nods and continues his earlier conversation, weaving his fingers between mine. I turn to the front of the room, anxious for this legal stuff to be behind us once and for all. Chris comes to sit on the other side of me, Anna and Eli in tow. After he kisses me on the cheek, the bailiff announces the judge’s arrival.
As the proceedings begin, my wandering mind takes me back to the evening that Livvy moved into our home. It’s hard to believe three months have already passed since we began the supervisory period.
Up until that point, we had been granted visitations with the sweet little girl we met last Christmas. Our compulsive endeavor to help find her a good home worked in our favor. Her foster family– a loving, big family– was only providing temporary guardianship, so there was no one contesting our petition to adopt her.
Olivia had cried the first couple of nights she stayed with us. Even though the three of us had spent significant time together in previous months, it was hard for her little four-year-old mind to grasp the concept of parents and families and homes. Olivia had never known her father, and we found out quickly that her young mother had spent a significant amount of time in the hospital, being treated for leukemia, before she died. Livvy knew what a mommy was, but didn’t even know her own mother very well.
She exchanged a tearful goodbye when “Mr. John” and “Mrs. Charlie” brought her to our home. We had prepared all of her favorite foods, and the five of us had dinner together. John and Charlie Shaw had five grown children of their own, but hated having an empty house when they all eventually moved out. Becoming foster parents was a natural choice for them, and their home had been open to these children in need of good parents for the past ten years.
It was obvious that Livvy held a special place in their heart. Anyone who met her fell immediately in love with her, just as we had. It was difficult for her foster parents to say goodbye, especially when the alligator tears streamed from Livvy’s big brown eyes. It broke my heart, and Jack’s, as well. I remembered how he had turned away briefly to wipe a tear from his cheek. He hated to see her cry.
From the day we met her, even though we had committed to simply finding her a good home, I knew that Jack would do everything in his power to make sure it was our home, and he did. I didn’t know all the details, but I knew that he and Donna used quite a few of their contacts to get us in the system. It helped that Jack was very well known in the city for his philanthropic endeavors– and that he had never made an enemy in all of his life.
“Mr. Jack?” Livvy had said when the Shaws left, wiping her nose with the sleeve of her t-shirt. She always went to him first. She would be his little girl, a thought that made my heart swell with joy. I never thought I could love him any more, until I saw him with her.
“Yes, Contessa?” She was his little princess, and she had so quickly become our whole world. Jack helped to blot her tears with a tissue as he drew her into his lap on the couch. I cuddled up next to them, releasing her hair from the short pigtails and combing my fingers through the fine locks. She started to pull on his tie, something she had done since the first day we met, as her head fell on his shoulder.
“Do I have to call you ‘Daddy’ now?” His mouth fell open, only slightly, before he closed his lips together and swallowed hard. He closed his eyes and inhaled slowly.
“Livvy, you can still call us ‘Mr. Jack’ and ‘Mrs. Emi,’ if that makes you happy,” I answered for him in a soothing tone. We had talked about it before.
Of course we would never demand her to call us her mom and dad. In fact, I was reluctant to accept the possibility until everything was legal. I still feared that something would occur to keep the adoption from happening, even though everything had gone our way up to that point. Jack’s disappointment was something I didn’t want to ever see again, but I always knew that it was a possibility. Losing her would be devastating, and I knew getting so attached was dangerous. I wouldn’t allow myself to consider the consequences anymore.
“We do hope to be your mommy and daddy someday, though, remember? And when it starts to feel like we’re doing a good job of that, then you can call us that.”
“How will I know if you’re doing good?” she had asked.
“I think you’ll just... know,” Jack answered.
“I want you to do good,” she said with conviction well beyond her years.
“We want to do a good job,” I had told her, but when we tried to put her to bed that night, we both felt we were failing miserably as she squealed loudly when we turned the light off to her bedroom. She was deathly afraid to be alone in the basement at night, something we had only briefly considered. Our nieces and nephews often stayed down there, but we had realized they were never alone.
And, in all honesty, we hadn’t wanted to be so far away from her, either, even with the remote monitor we had installed in her room so we could hear her from our bedroom two stories away.
Until she moved in, neither Jack nor I were prepared to make any permanent changes. I didn’t want to jinx things, and even though Jack was never one to be super
stitious, I think he felt the same. One night was all it took, though. She slept soundly in between us that night, curled up with Teddy, as Jack and I whispered quietly until early morning.
The next day, an architect and a contractor were hired, and until the room was complete, we set up a temporary sleeping space for her in the living room. Jack and I would curl up on the couch to watch her, making sure she and Ruby were comfortable and fast asleep on the pull-out bed before returning to our own bedroom.
Even then, we would often wake up to Livvy climbing into bed beside us, with the dog always following a few minutes later. She would chatter with us about her dreams– she had a very active imagination– and Jack would always lull her back to sleep by reciting by heart one of the many children’s books he had memorized over the years. Sometimes he would carry her back downstairs, but more often than not, we would both curl up around her, listening to her deep-breathing and entertaining sleep-talking until we, too, fell asleep.
We finally fell into a pretty good routine, and day-by-day, things began to feel more permanent. Twice a week, Donna would take Livvy down to Nate’s Art Room, allowing her to explore her burgeoning creativity while making new friends, which also gave Jack and I some alone time. We never once regretted our decision to adopt so quickly, but the fact still remained that we were newlyweds and our attraction to one another hadn’t even begun to wane. I doubted it ever would.
As the weeks went on, I eventually stopped allowing myself to think about the irrational what-ifs because I knew Jack and I were both irrevocably attached to our little girl. Losing her wasn’t an option. We were already a family, maybe not on paper, but in our hearts we were. Jack made it easy for me to focus on the present day, and Livvy always kept us on our toes.
We ditched our routine last night, though. We didn’t try to make Livvy sleep on the sofa-bed. The bedroom renovation had been complete for a few days, but we had kept it all a secret and wanted to reveal it to her after the proceedings today. The decor was inspired by the Corduroy mural that Nate had drawn. After all, it was a well-loved bear that brought us all together in the first place. When we finished dinner, we had taken a long walk with Ruby through Central Park. As soon as we returned home, the three of us settled into bed with frozen yogurt with fruit and a double feature of two of Livvy’s favorite movies. I had planned the night. I needed a distraction from the doubts that came creeping up at the last minute, and I knew that hearing Livvy’s giggle would take my mind off of anything negative. It did temporarily. She and Jack had both dozed off near the middle of the second movie. After it ended, I watched them both sleep, their faces both restful and content, for at least a couple of hours. I may have quietly cried a little out of fear, but I was careful not to disturb them. I wanted to remember them in that moment forever, just in case something completely unexpected happened today.
Jack had planned a morning meeting with the lawyer, and Livvy was to stay with her caseworker and Donna until the hearing was over, so they left early, allowing me to go back to sleep for an hour after I helped get Livvy ready. I didn’t think my nerves would allow me any rest after I tearfully kissed her goodbye.
“Miss Emi, why are you crying?” she asked, her bottom lip beginning to quiver. Jack gave me a concerned yet loving look, and I knew he was worried I’d upset her.
He leaned in and whispered so only I could hear, “There’s nothing to worry about, Poppet. You’re being silly.” He kissed my temple and wiped away the tears, then swept Livvy into his arms and started bouncing her on his hip.
“She’s just sleepy,” Jack answered. “You know how sometimes you get cranky when you don’t get a nap?”
“You need a nap?” she asked inquisitively. “You just woke up!”
“You’d be tired, too, if you stayed up to watch all of Wall-E like I did. I had to know how it ended!” I fibbed.
“Wall-E and Eva live happily ever after!”
“Just like us...” Jack said, a smile spreading across his face. I rolled my eyes, but couldn’t help but smile back. “Speaking of which, Contessa, we need to get going. You get to go have breakfast with Miss LaVonne and Miss Donna this morning, remember?”
“Pancakes!” she cheered.
“Eat some fruit for me, too, okay, Livvy?” I requested.
“Okay,” she sighed.
The judge clears his voice, bringing me out of my reverie.
“In regards to the child custody case of Olivia Sophia DeLuca, the municipal court of New York awards sole custody of the minor in question to Jackson Andrew Holland the second and Emily Clara Holland.”
As I listen to the judge’s final determination of Livvy’s future, I get goosebumps in anticipation of seeing her again, but this time, for the first time, she is legally our daughter. She’s been our daughter for months, but it’s finally official. No one can take her away from us now. I involuntarily squeeze Jack’s hand. He turns to look at me and places his arm across my shoulders and rubs my bare arm.
“Are you ready?” he whispers.
I nod my head. “So excited.” His smile grows bigger and he pulls my body into his, kissing the top of my head.
When the proceeding has ended, we thank our lawyer and one of Livvy’s caseworkers. Jack pulls on his suit jacket before hugging his parents, and then mine.
“So where is she?” my mother asks.
“They’ve got her in another room. They said they would take us to her,” he answers.
“What are we waiting for?” Jen asks. I shrug and start to make my way to the back of the courtroom. We all congregate in the hallway, and our families make arrangements for the afternoon, talking about who’s going in whose car back to our house.
I hold Jack’s arms around me as he stands behind me and whispers in my ear. “You’re the most beautiful mother I have ever met.” I blush and thank him while he kisses my temple.
“And you are... the perfect fa–”
“Daddy!” a tiny voice calls out from down the hallway. Jack’s breathing stops and his body stills as his arms tighten around me. I crane my neck to see his bewildered expression as my eyes start to water. He releases his arms as we both turn around to meet the light clicking sounds of Livvy’s white flower eyelet sandals on the tiled floor as she runs toward us.
All attention is focused on the little brown-haired girl, carrying her stuffed dog in one hand and her stuffed bear in the other.
“My little Contessa,” Jack says as he bends down on one knee, his arms outstretched. I put my hands on his shoulders and watch as her eyes connect with his, and her toothy grin spreads from ear-to-ear.
I can’t stop the happy tears from dropping from my eyes at her pronouncement. Donna and LaVonne walk slowly behind her, both smiling, as Teresa takes out her camera and starts taking pictures. Jack picks her up and swings her around twice, kissing her cheek and smoothing out her windswept bangs. The addition of two bright pink bows– undoubtedly Donna’s doing– accentuates the hair I had pulled up earlier into little top-knots on her head.
“It’s okay if I call you Daddy today, right?” she whispers to him, her eyes wide as his eyes water. When she sees me, she drops her bear and holds her arm out for me to take her. After handing her the carnations– her favorite flowers– I hug her tightly as she throws her arms around my neck and squeezes. “Miss Donna and Miss LaVonne and me had pancakes and fruit like you said and Miss Donna said that the judge said that you’re my Mommy and Daddy today. So, Miss Emi, I can call you Mommy now?” she looks at me with curious eyes and takes a deep breath from her run-on sentence.
“It’s official today, baby,” Jack confirms, picking up her stuffed animal and placing it in my bag. He takes her back into his arms, and as she hugs his neck, Jack and I exchange a reassured look before he puts his hand on my cheek and kisses me, full on the lips. “I love you,” he breathes.
“I love you,” I sigh back, my fingers ruffling his hair before he pulls me into an embrace with them both. When we finally let go, Livvy h
as buried her finger in the knot of his tie, trying to loosen it, repeating an action she had seen me do many times before.
“Your tie is pretty,” she says.
“It is really nice, Jacks, where’d you get it?” I ask him.
“Anna actually bought it for me. She thought it would look nice with your dresses. It does,” he smiles. “But that’s not the best part,” he adds, loosening the tie when her little fingers can’t seem to do it. He flips the tie over to reveal an embroidered tag on the back of it.
“Olivia Sophia Holland,” he reads the tag to her. “And then that’s today’s date beneath it. This is your tie. Whenever I wear it, I’ll be thinking about you, and remembering how special this day is.”
“But, Daddy, it’s on the back. No one will even see it,” she complains softly with the cutest furrowed brow I have ever seen.
“That way, you’ll be closer to my heart,” he says. I sigh at the sweet gesture and quietly thank Anna.
“Oh!” Livvy exclaims, as if to say ‘of course!’ “Okay.” He kisses her forehead again, hugs her again. “Where are all my friends?” she asks as she pulls the flowers to her nose to take a sniff. We had told her about the celebration we were having at the house, and she was excited to see everyone again.
“Your friends– and your cousins– are already at our house waiting for us to come home.”
“Come here, Little Liv,” Matthew says, whisking her away from Jack. She laughs loudly as his strong arms fly her through the air, her white, green and pink ribbon dress ballooning out underneath her textured white coat. “What else do we have to do in this cold, drab building? It’s a beautiful day, don’t we have a soiree to go to?” Matty bounces our daughter– holy... our daughter– on his hip as she continues to giggle.
“Yeah, don’t we have a saw-ree to go to?” she repeats him.
“What are we waiting for?” Jack laughs, gesturing for them to go ahead of us. He puts his arm around my shoulder and kisses my temple gently as we watch his brother follow the rest of our families, carrying Livvy down the hallway. “Who knew this is where we’d be a year ago?”