“It’s not her, really. It’s just…” Alex struggled to explain without giving too much away. “For every beautiful little girl who is taken from Russia actually to become a model, there are dozens who end up captive in filthy brothels around the world.”
Matt watched her carefully, taking a deep breath. Finally he said, “I’ve heard that, but—”
“You know, I really need to get Aglaya home for her bath. Do you mind if we headed out?”
He shook his head quickly, stood up from the blanket, and called toward the playground for Aggie.
Aili stared down into the putrid sewage ditch that would be her final resting place. Koli, at her back, held the old pistol that Ivanovich had given him. To her right, Katya cuddled her sleeping baby and whispered softly in Russian. Aili caught phrases: “Gracious God…” “Loving Father…” “Your will be done…” “Protect sweet Anya…” “Your will be done…” “I love You…” “Amen. Amen. Amen.”
Aili’s musings soared on a much lower plane. Too smart, she thought. Too smart. I was always too smart. It had to catch up with me. And where? Just where I’ve always belonged: rotting in sewage. Too smart. Always too smart.
A fit of hysterical laughter began to form in her chest. Then she heard the gun cock, and she almost wet her pants. Which was ridiculous. She’d been trained. Why was she suddenly no longer desensitized to that sound? Suddenly the cold muzzle kissed the back of her head, and her thoughts stopped altogether. It was like her brain rebooted, and she saw or knew nothing but a blank screen while it tried to restart again.
Then the gun was gone. Koli pressed the gun to Katya’s head, and Aili cried from a bizarre confused mixture of guilt and relief. Still no shot. Koli was pointing the gun at the wrapped bundle in Kati’s arms. Aili stopped breathing, and for the first time, Katya actually looked afraid. Her whispers became inaudible, but her mouth still moved. “Amen, amen, amen…”
So be it, Aili thought. Oh, heck, no.
Then Koli stepped—or more, bolted—behind them again, and Aili could no longer see what he was doing. She heard noises, and Katya looked at her in wonder. Katya clutched the baby and took one step, then two, away from the ditch toward the jungle. It suddenly occurred to Aili that Koli was vomiting. Aili froze. She stopped breathing. Her heart skipped a few beats.
Out of the blue, Koli’s hunting knife, the knife that had featured so highly in her recordings of him, the knife he loved, the only thing of value that the dirt-poor tribesman owned, landed next to her feet. Confused, she bent and picked it up. He said something then, a single syllable in his tribal language. Aili didn’t know even what his language was called exactly, let alone what he told her. She looked over at Katya, but the young girl was gone. She looked further and saw her running, making for the trees.
“Go!” The word echoed in her head. “Go!”
Aili heard shouts from the buildings. Finally, the monitor in her brain lit up again. And she ran. Near the edge of the trees, she caught up with Katya. “Kati! Let me take Anya!” she said.
Kati stopped, turned, and carefully—too slowly, Aili thought —transferred the sleeping baby to Aili’s arms. Out of the corner of her eye, Aili saw Koli crumple to the ground as Ivanovich put a bullet in his head. Ivanovich’s men, with their rusty AK-47s cradled at the ready, fanned out across the back side of their compound. Aili and Katya were turning toward the jungle again when Katya jerked suddenly and stumbled. A circle of blood appeared low on her shirt. Aili screamed her name.
“I’m okay, Alice,” Kati said. “We go.”
And what else were they to do? It couldn’t be helped. They kept running.
Chapter Two
As badly as that first date had gone, Matt Gold still asked for Alex’s phone number. As badly as it had gone, she still gave it to him. She wasn’t sure why. Yeah, he seemed like a nice, respectful guy, which was rare enough. He was attractive, owned his own home, and had a great career. He wasn’t arrogant about his looks or flashy with his money. Plus, the background check “they” had done came back without any cause for concern at all. In spite of certain oddities in his personality, lots of women would have been glad for his attention. It was just that, since Free Bird and Aglaya, Alex had never really looked for a guy.
None of “them” ever told her that she shouldn’t get into a romantic relationship, even get married if she so chose. Under the right circumstances, it actually would add to her security and Aglaya’s as well. And they weren’t in witness protection exactly; it was more like evidence lock-up. Haha (without any shred of true humor, of course). But Alex had always been afraid. And she’d always kept busy.
When they had first set her up housekeeping with Aggie, she had chosen a farm in rural Maine as the place to live. Private, secure, away from people. More acres of trees than buildings. And they had lived there pretty happily for three years, but toward the end, Alex had started to feel more like she was isolated and trapped than comfortably hidden.
So she had made a few calls and Voila! Greater Los Angeles. Specifically Glendale, and a friendly neighborhood there, considered safe, but not upscale by any means. A normal place. After local emergency response times had been analyzed, a house had been chosen for them and a few minor upgrades (like the state-of-the-art alarm system, the bulletproof window glass in the bedrooms, and the “decorative,” barred storm doors) had been made. Alexandra and Aggie were back among people again…well, sort of, anyway. After almost four weeks in the metro, Mr. Matthew Gold was the only thing even close to a friend that they had made.
Well, to clarify, the only friend Alex had made. Aggie had chatted up several kids in the neighborhood already and a few more from the park. And Alex was glad. She wanted Aggie to be social, and she wished to be social herself. It was just that she was always so busy keeping an eye on Aggie. Or maybe she just wasn’t sure how anymore. But she hadn’t moved to L.A. so she could be just as isolated and remote as she had been in Maine. Considering this, Alexandra created a mental resolution to get Aggie to introduce her to some of those kids’ parents. She had their background checks with full names and social security numbers; she might as well learn how they drank their coffee too.
She was looking up Aggie’s forthcoming play dates in her phone’s calendar when the device rang. Matthew Gold. The phone slipped from Alex’s suddenly sweaty hands. Even so she felt herself smiling and tried for a second to stop, then (what the heck, right?) gave up and grinned big as she scrambled to retrieve her mobile and answer the man’s call.
“Hey, are you feeling better?” he asked her.
“Um, yeah.” She was still a bit mired in her memories, even though the incident (that wasn’t an incident at all, really) had occurred a full twenty-four hours before. “I have a tendency to get stuck in my own head sometimes.”
“I’ve noticed that actually.”
“You have?”
He laughed. “I’ve been told I’m perceptive. So I know something about you from observation even if you won’t give me a straight answer on anything.”
She tried to laugh.
“I’m not sure exactly what’s going on with you, but I can guess that something about me or maybe our relationship, as it is, not that you have any commitment to me, or any feelings for me, at least fully formed ones, but, I mean… Well, as you can see I get lost in my words the same way you get lost in your thoughts...”
His conclusion came out of nowhere in such a deadpan tone that it caught her by surprise. This time her laugh had a bit of real humor. “I can see that. But I get what you’re saying. That there is a certain level of vulnerability involved in a romantic relationship—even a potential one, and my anxiety about it is probably sneaking out the back door of my brain, because I refuse to confront it directly.”
He was silent a second before saying, with surprised humor, “Either you’ve already figured that out for yourself or you also have a doctorate in psychology in addition to your law degree.”
“A little bit of bot
h, I guess.”
“Huh?”
“The psychology degree is undergrad. And I hadn’t quite arrived at the conclusion fully, but I am out of practice socially, and the hypervigilance that is my life does work in tandem with heightened anxiety.”
“And is that something you feel is necessary?”
“To a certain degree, yes.”
“Because of Aglaya.”
“Naturally. My life is devoted to her protection.” Her jaw clenched. This sounded so much like something she had memorized, and even if it sort of was, she didn’t want him to see her that way.
“But you’re not one of those helicopter parents. In fact, Aggie has a considerably longer leash, metaphorically speaking, than most four-year-olds I know. So either your cool-headed, psychological training wins over your anxiety or you think she’ll be safer if you teach her to make sensible choices on her own. If the latter is the case, you must believe, perhaps correctly, I don’t know, that the threats to Aggie’s safety are greater than to any quote-unquote normal child.”
Alex took a deep breath and thought about how to proceed. Because he obviously had deduced as much, she said, “You are perceptive. As you probably have also guessed, those threats are connected with her father, both directly and indirectly.”
“I had assumed.”
“Look, I can’t tell you much more than that at this point. But I know you’ve already lost a wife, and that was understandably difficult to deal with. I’ve developed a certain amount of respect for you, and if you continue to pursue an interest in me, I want you to be able to do so with open eyes.”
“I’m not that worried about myself—”
“There would only be a threat to you if you placed yourself between the threat and Aglaya, and it is much more likely the threat would choose an opportunity when you were unable to do that. And to be clear, I would not ask or even want you to do that. That’s why I’m here. Her security is my express responsibility.”
He was understandably upset when he rejoined, “Are you saying I could come over some day and find out that something terrible had happened? Like, I don’t know, find you two lying in a pool of blood?”
“I’m actually not saying that. That wouldn’t serve the threat’s purposed in the least. What would happen is that one day we wouldn’t be here, and it would be a lot like we never had been at all.”
“Aglaya’s father could make two people disappear? What kind of crap is he involved in?”
“I can’t—”
“Right, you can’t say that. Look, I don’t care, Alex. Why don’t you and Aggie come—?”
She shook her head, even though he couldn’t see. “No, Matt. You need to think seriously about this, consider whether or not you can deal with it, if it’s what you want. Because Aggie and I don’t need some guy with a misplaced sense of heroism. If we let someone into our mess, we need someone who actually believes we’re worth all of it. That’s the only way it will work. And if you make that decision too quickly, it’s the wrong decision for sure.”
He was silent for several very long seconds. Finally, “You’re right. I’ll give you a call in a few days.”
* * *
Three days later, Alexandra lost Aglaya. It was just one of those things. Every parent, probably, has experienced it. They were out in the yard, and Aggie ran around everywhere like always, and Alex moved the sprinkler and pulled a few weeds from one of the flower beds. (And she was probably a little distracted because she was wondering if she’d ever hear from Matthew Gold again.) Then she looked up, knowing exactly where Aggie was, except Aggie wasn’t there, but instead she saw a large, blonde dog that lived across the street and three doors to the north. Aggie was nowhere in sight.
Every parent has these moments, of course. Only with most parents, this probably occurs first about the time the child starts to walk, and reoccurs frequently enough that by the time the child is four, the parent is used to him or her disappearing briefly and reappearing quickly without too much drama. But for Alex, this was the first time since she had a daughter that she didn’t know with certainty exactly where her daughter was.
With all her training, fighting the panic was still hard for Alex. Her “calm” calling of the girl’s name had a twinge of shake to it. The blonde dog that was where Aggie was meant to be simply woofed at Alex then trotted away.
Alex stepped out to the sidewalk and slowly scanned her view down Orange Grove Avenue. No Aggie in sight. She tried to manage her breathing. She kept herself from hyperventilating, but her breath shook, and her chest even hitched a couple of times. No flash of strawberry curls; no tiny green overalls. She held her breath a second and listened. She heard a child’s laughter—faint—from her right, the north, and she started toward the sound. If it wasn’t her Aggie, it was at least someone who might have seen her.
And two doors down, there she was. In the front yard, Aggie sat in the shade of an orange tree, played with a calico kitten, and chatted with an elderly woman who was sitting in a lawn chair. Alex exhaled and looked down at her hands. They were trembling. “Don’t go off on her,” Alex told herself. “If you do, you’ll scare her, and if you scare her, she will learn to be panicky and unstable, not sharp and vigilant.”
So she took another breath and stepped onto the lawn toward the little girl. “Hey, Aglaya. What’s up?”
“Hi, Mommy!” Aggie didn’t even look up from the kitten, who batted at the ribbon that had formerly been in the little girl’s hair. “Do you see this kitty? This is Ginger. Isn’t she cute?”
“She’s adorable, sweetie. But can you do me a favor? Remember I asked you to tell me before you leave the yard?”
Aggie looked at Alex then, startled. Aggie was a good girl, and she took her mama’s rules seriously. “I’m sorry, Mommy. I forgot when I saw the kitty, and I followed her here.”
“I understand, sweetie. It is a cute kitty. But it’s very important you remember our rules next time, okay?”
“Okay. I’ll try.”
“Good girl.”
“Do I have to come home now?”
Alex looked at the lady in the chair. “Hi, I’m Alexandra.”
The lady smiled apologetically and shifted a little in her seat. “Nice to meet you, Alexandra. I’m Fern. I’m sorry, dear; I didn’t realize you didn’t know where she was.”
“Well, she’s okay. That’s all I care about. Do you mind if she stays and plays with your kitten a little while?”
“No, not at all. I’m glad of her company.”
“Okay, Aggie, you can stay for a little bit, but I want you to help me get dinner together, so I’ll come get you soon.”
“Okay, Mama. Mommy, can we get a kitty?”
“I don’t think so, sweetie.” But maybe a dog, a big dog. A dog that will follow you everywhere and kill anyone who tries to touch you.
Aggie sighed and frowned about the denied request for a pet kitten but said, “I love you, Mommy.”
“I love you too, kiddo.”
Alex turned around and walked back to her own yard. She could keep an eye on the girl from there, but it was still hard to leave. It was better, though, because she needed to vent a bit without her daughter watching. She sat down on her front stoop and put her face in her hands. “Oh, God,” she prayed, “oh, God, oh, God.”
Her phone rang.
“Matt!” she said.
“Are you okay?”
“I just…I lost Aggie.”
He sounded alarmed. “Is she okay?”
“Yeah, she’s playing with a neighbor’s kitten.”
“Oh, sweetie. Yeah, my brother’s kids do that to us all the time. It’s scary, but they’re always fine.”
“This has never happened to me before.” It came out all sobby-like, overly dramatic. Alex knew it was foolish, but she couldn’t help it.
“You’ll be okay. Look, why don’t I come, walk you two to my house, and make you some dinner. Aggie can play with my iPad, and you and I can talk.”
“No, honey, I think you need to get out of that house for a while.”
He was right. But was he asking her over out of pity because she was so upset about this little non-incident? Or did he really want her and Aglaya in his life?
He was saying, “Look, I’m already halfway there. Please don’t say no.” His voice was jumpy and breathless, and she figured he was running to her. She could hardly imagine a man running to see her.
She had to be sure. “Matt, why did you call?”
“To invite you over for dinner.”
Was it true? Alex took a slow, deep breath. She was afraid to hope. “Really?” she asked. “You mean, even before…?”
“Really.” There was an echo, and she looked up. He stood on the sidewalk in front of her house. They both hung up their phones.
She stood, and he walked over to her, gathered her into his arms, and held her close. All at once, she understood exactly why Aggie always climbed into her lap when she was hurt or afraid. Alex grabbed a hold of the sides of Matt’s T-shirt, pressing both fists into his lower ribs, and she cried for the first time in three years. He kissed the top of her head and let her cry. She’d saved back quite a few tears.
A couple hours later, with grilled salmon and spring vegetables (both fresh) in their stomachs and Aggie dozing on the floor over a picture painting app on Matt’s iPad, he and Alexandra sat on his couch facing each other. Alex took a sip of some kind of sweet berry wine he’d had in his fridge (it was for Jewish holidays, he told her) and set her glass down on his coffee table. She caught his eyes and held them. He let her.
“You really want to date me?”
“I really do.”
If he was lying, he was the best she’d ever seen. And she’d seen some good liars in her time, for sure, so he probably wasn’t lying at all. “And you don’t mind my daughter?” she checked.
Liberation Song Page 3