The three women talked late into the night. Some of the rust wore off Aili’s Russian as the days passed, which was good. While Tatiana and her children spoke proficient English, Katya’s Bubbe spoke very little, so Aili appreciated having her Russian to communicate with her. The older woman wore sadness in her heavy eyes and the lines on her face. She suffered in a way Aili could only imagine, having lost her husband when her son was young then watched her granddaughter and son both die before her. Aili could tell that Aggie’s brightness and affection put a spark of life in Bubbe’s eyes, and Bubbe doted on the little girl and taught her as much Russian as she could every single day. Aili grew astonished as she watched the light of understanding grow between the old woman and the young child.
The whole trip seemed blessed, but the best (and most heartbreaking) part came their last evening together. Tatiana and Bubbe had hinted at a particular surprise all week, and it turned out to be a special, traditional dinner prepared in their own home, the small apartment where Katya spent most of her life.
They gathered as a family around the rickety, aluminum-legged table, and their knees knocked each other’s whenever someone shifted their weight. They slurped borscht with sour cream, and Aglaya dribbled the purple soup down the front of her orange T-shirt when she laughed at one of Grig’s jokes.
Aili speared savory pelmeni on her fork and absorbed the stories—blinking back tears—that Tatiana and Bubbe told about Katya’s childhood. At their urging, she related memories from Aggie’s life and swallowed a stone in her throat when Matthew Gold showed up in one of them.
Aggie helped Tanya clear the table, and Bubbe served sharlotka and strong coffee in the cozy, worn-but-tidy living area. They looked through heavy photo albums and a shoebox of mementos that Tatiana had saved from Katya’s life. Tatiana presented Aggie with Katya’s first doll, dressed in some of Kati’s own baby clothes, several snapshots of the family, and a book of Russian bedtime stories that Aili promised to read to her.
It grew late. Bubbe went to bed, and Tatiana’s kids followed. Aggie curled up at one end of the sofa, out like a light, and the two moms—the bereaved one and the adoptive one—sat and talked about the lovely young girl who brought them together.
“I knew Katya was special from the day she was born,” Tatiana said. “You could tell, couldn’t you?”
Aili nodded, and this time, she couldn’t stop a few tears. While Tatiana talked on about her oldest child, Aili gazed at a photo album open on the coffee table, pictures of Katya and her family at the same zoo they explored with Aggie a few days before. The pictures came before Nikolai had gotten so sick; Grigory looked about Aglaya’s current age.
Tatiana looked wistful as she sorted through her memories. “She was so helpful always. And when things got hard, when her father got sick, she didn’t understand why I tried to protect them from so much. I told her…” Tatiana’s voice cracked and splintered. She cleared her throat. “I told her, when you are a mother, you will understand. Because you do anything to make things good for your children. I know you know, because I have seen you with my granddaughter.”
“Kati knew too.”
Tatiana gave a tearful smile. “I am sure my daughter was a good mother.”
“Better than me.”
“Oh, I do not know. She was just a little girl and could not have protected Aglaya like you have these years.”
“She shouldn’t have had to.”
Tatiana shrugged. “That…that was her life. And I did not know…” Tatiana stopped and stared down at her hands, searching for words in her calloused palms. She folded them like a prayer, and the gesture struck Aili, bringing back so many memories of Matthew, and the way he would pray before he spoke whenever they were having a difficult conversation. A new flood of tears filled Aili’s eyes, and she choked on a sob.
Finally, Tatiana continued, “I did not know how much my daughter gave me strength, just by being herself. Her hope, her peace, her love… her faith. When I lost her, when that man took her, I almost lost mine. I became so angry with God. I told Him I had given Him everything else. How could He take my daughter too? She was my…my spark of fire, yes?”
Aili nodded to show that she understood. Her tongue fought with her words. “I’d give anything if Aggie could have known her.”
Tatiana’s eyes widened. “But she does. Do you not know?”
Aili must have given Tatiana a look like she was crazy, because Tatiana looked down at her hands again. Aili said, “I’m sorry. That was rude. I have no right to criticize what you believe. I just mean the world lost a wonderful thing in Katya. But you know that. I am sorry I didn’t save her like I was supposed to. And I am sorry you lost your faith.”
Tatiana startled then shook her head adamantly. “Oh, but He gave it back. Things were hard a long time. I went on living because I had to. Because there was only me to do it, I went to work, helped my husband, took care of my children. But I had no joy; I let it be taken. That was my mistake. Those three years were the most hard. But then came you.”
“Me?” Aili gave an uncomfortable laugh.
“I do not think you were ‘supposed to’ save my daughter’s life. But you did save my family.”
“Okay, whatever.”
“I do not understand…? My English?”
“I am being rude again, and I’m sorry. I am only saying that I don’t understand.”
“When you told me about my daughter, how she spent those three years of her life, how she died... When I saw my granddaughter, I understood why. I understood what He had been doing. I grieved her loss, yes, but I had grieved three years. When I understood, finally, I praised Him again.”
“But why?” Aili bawled now. “You said it yourself, Katya was special. Katya was supposed to be great!”
“She was great!”
“Your daughter died in the jungle on the ground. I left her there in the dirt and rotten leaves. And we never found her. She probably was dragged away by wild animals.”
Tatiana cringed a bit, but the set of her jaw and her tone were both firm. “No, my daughter went home with her father.”
“She deserved better than to be left there. She deserved better than to have her life and innocence taken by some twisted monster.”
Tatiana was shaking her head. “My daughter had strength, you know…um…power. No one could have taken my Katya’s life; she gave it. And she gave her life to God long before that so-called Ivanovich ever saw her.”
“Then why did God throw it away?”
“He never did.” Tatiana’s tone was adamant. “He did not! Can you not see? You were with her. How can you not understand why she gave her life? I am sorry, Aili, that you have suffered this all these years.”
“I am not the one who suffered.”
“Yes. You are. And I am so sad for you. I will pray with all of my heart that someday you will understand.”
“Yeah, Tatiana, pray for me all you want.” Aili stood up and pulled on her sweater. “I need to get a cab.”
“Aili…?”
“It’s really late, you know, and Aggie and I have to get on a plane first thing in the morning. I have to enroll her in a real school as soon as we get back. We’ve been doing the internet school, like I told you, but she’s such a social person. She needs to be around other kids. Anyway, it will be crazy busy.”
Tatiana looked sad, but she nodded. “I understand. You will call, still, and write?”
“Of course. You are our family now. But we do have to go.”
Tatiana went to the couch and woke Aggie by brushing her hair back from her face. “My sweet girl,” she said, “it is time to say goodbye, for now.”
* * *
So they went back home and settled into their new “normal” life. Aggie started kindergarten in Glendale while Aili got down to running a household without tight government involvement. A week home and she had written a budget and set up an interview with the FBI L.A. Field Director that Melinda White told her to
contact.
One school day, the doorbell rang, and Aili went to answer it. Matt’s familiar profile showed through the window. She’d been half expecting something like this. She opened the front door but left the screen closed, just like she had the first time he’d ever come over. Her hands shook and her mouth went dry.
He had bothered with his contacts this time; it was only the second time since she met him that he wore them. He wanted her to see his face, she realized. He wanted nothing between her eyes and his. Here, she hid behind a barred storm door, still locked, yet the effect of his naked eyes unsettled and captivated her.
“Hey,” he said, the word somehow both welcoming and… heavy, like a loaded gun.
“Hey,” she responded. This was awkward, and it was her fault.
He held her gaze a moment. “Can I come in?”
“I…I don’t know.”
He closed his eyes while he took a deep breath, probably praying. Finally, the words passed through the screen. “You’ll talk to me about Aggie, but you won’t talk to me about us. Why is that?”
“I thought we said everything before I left.”
“You said you didn’t want me to come with you. But now you’re back. That changes everything.”
“I said I wanted you to move on.”
An ironic laugh jerked from his throat. “How far did you think I would move in less than two months? I thought of you and Aggie as my family. That doesn’t go away overnight.”
Aili didn’t say anything.
He rejoined, “It hasn’t for you either. I can tell. You know, I never took the ring back; I couldn’t. And you’re back, waiting to wear it. So why do you still leave me on the front porch like the last year and a half of you and me never even happened?”
“You’re not like me, Matt. You don’t understand the messes I’ve made. I already have gotten a lot more good than I ever deserved.”
“Well, thank God! So have I. He came to set us free. It’s time to stop letting the fear keep you in chains. You should know that! You’re the one who fell in love with The Idiot. How did you do that while missing the entire point?”
Aili rolled her eyes. “What does some old book have to do with you and me?”
“The point of The Idiot is Grace. You already knew that; it’s about a man, a prince, who sacrificed everything, even his health and well-being and the happiness of the woman he loved in an attempt to save a quote-unquote ‘fallen’ woman from a terrible fate. But for all of how you understood the theme, you missed the moral. Maybe because you hate the ending so much. It’s about wasted Grace. How in the end this idiot prince was unable to overcome her penchant for self-destruction.”
Aili looked away, and Matt rattled the screen to get her attention. He said, “If you want to get allegorical about it, the heroic idiot is Jesus, broken Nastasya is either the children of Israel or the world at large or both, and proud Aglaya is the Christian church. But that’s not what matters to you, because you applied it to your situation with the names you chose for yourself and your daughter.”
“Or not-my-daughter.” Aili’s tone was wry.
“Yes, your daughter. You can’t back out on that now, shouldn’t even think it. It would destroy her.”
“Don’t even imply that! I protect Aggie. I take care of her.”
His fingernails grazed the screen impatiently, emitting a buzz that cut through Aili’s nerves. “Of course. That’s why you named yourself after the two sisters who would do anything to make sure Aglaya would be happy. But you wrote your story wrong. Because you’re not Alexandra or Adelaida; you’re Nastasya. You’re the one wasting the Grace. And when you rewrote Dostoevsky’s book by naming your daughter Myshkin, you made a mistake too, a big mistake. Because you rewrote the prince’s actions when any true idiot can see it was your actions that should’ve played out differently from the beginning.”
“But what can I do? Everything’s broken. What can I do now?”
“I love you, Aili. I’m here. None of anyone’s past sins matter anymore, and you still waste the Grace, the precious Grace, more valuable than all the gold and diamonds in the whole world!”
“I love you too, Matthew, but all that stuff, it does still matter. It’s still there.”
“No. Open your eyes. It’s gone!”
“But Katya is still dead! Aggie still has to live without her.”
“Well, I guess that’s too bad for you, because you're still forgiven! Jesus died too; remember that, Aili? The Son of God, remember him? He died. Wasn't that enough? God said it was enough. Who are you to argue with Him? Jesus died, and he killed death in the process. But you refuse to live. Now you're the dead one; you're living death out every day, every time you give in to that fear. And Katya... Katya is safe. She isn’t afraid; she’s free. Katya lives with Him.”
Aili wanted to believe that, all of that. And it was what she claimed she believed. But somehow it was too hard to let go. She stared into Matthew’s eyes, her hands rested, frozen, on the screen of the door. She said nothing, so he went on.
“You’re free now, babe. God’s own Son set you free. So what are you gonna do now, Aili MacIntire, with the free freedom you’ve received? You gonna go to Disneyland? I’m here. Right here. Right now. What are you gonna do? Do you go to bed tonight with the Fear that will murder you in the morning? Or are you finally gonna open the door?”
What are you going to do?
THE END
* * *
1 This is a transliteration of the Hebrew name מתיתיהו, which is translated to “Matthew.” It means “gift of God.”
2 For generations, practicing Jews living outside of Israel have tended to give their children Hebrew names. This name is often, but not always, the Hebrew translation of a person’s given name; it also may be an entirely different name that holds significance for the parents. In Hebrew, the name “Asher” is spelled “אשר” and pronounced ah-SHEER, often with a rolling R at the end.
3 In Judaism, being left unburied for dogs to eat is considered a divine punishment for the most egregious violations of God’s law, like those committed by the house of Jeroboam. King Jeroboam, in an attempt to secure his own political power, led ten of Israel’s twelve tribes into idol worship (see 1 Kings 12:25-14:20). Matt, to condemn himself with men like Jeroboam, is clearly suffering from extreme guilt (and clearly in need of Grace).
4 It’s important to note that Greek, like English, is printed (as you view) left to right, but Hebrew is printed right to left. Because of this, in Levi’s tattoo, as described, both words appear “first” in the line of text presented, making them of equal importance. This juxtaposition is intentional and very meaningful.
5 HaShem means “the Name” in Hebrew; Tetragrammaton means “four letters” in Greek. Jews hold God’s name as sacred, considering it too holy to say aloud or even spell out; in Hebrew letters, the abbreviation looks like this: יהוה. In the Hebrew part of the Christian Bible, places where HaShem appears are translated as “The LORD.”
6 The name Levi has origins in Hebrew as well. Leví, from ל־ו־ה, pronounced lĕ-VEE. It means “joined in harmony.” It was the name of the patriarch Jacob’s third son, who became the father of the Levite tribe. This tribe contained Israel’s priestly order, the sacred worship musicians, the agents of pastoral care for all of Israel, the keepers of the Cities of Refuge, and those who cared for the articles in the tabernacle (mobile tent temple) and the temple itself after it finally was built under King Solomon.
About the Author
RAELEE MAY CARPENTER is a Christian and an author of contemporary fiction, inspirational essays, and modern mythology. Her work is passionate, descriptive and just a little edgy. Raelee’s three lifelong passions are faith, people, and words. She’s a tone-deaf music fan and “Mumma” to a young-at-heart, rescued Beagle mix. She has ADHD and ASD, and she is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. Her favorite thing to write about is the force that saved her life: Grace.
Raelee May Carpenter, Liberation Song
Liberation Song Page 17