"Cathy. I'm sure no one will think that. And even if they do. Who cares? You're on your way to fulfilling your dream of being a reporter. That's way more important than the opinions of some mean-spirited and probably desperately single people at work. Don't you think your boss will be impressed that you're willing to get out there and get your hands dirty?"
"I think he'll be too busy being shocked to be impressed.” Cathy responded dryly. “He calls me ‘Mouse.’"
Jamie tried not to smile at this comment. It was unkind but Cathy really did resemble a timid mouse. "So, mice are cute. I'm sure he meant it as a compliment. Speaking of cartoon characters, Minnie Mouse is kinda hot, right?"
Cathy snorted. "He calls me that because he thinks I'm like a plain little country rodent scurrying around the office, trying not to be noticed. Not a slutty cartoon mouse who wears gloves, but no underpants. Minnie is not exactly in Jessica Rabbit's league."
Jamie actually did grin this time. She'd always thought Cathy was very low on the personality scale, but now that she was actually getting to know her a bit, she was delighted to see that Cathy shared Clay's sense of humor. Now, if she could just get her to agree to transform herself from a mouse into a guinea pig and then, hopefully, into a butterfly. Messed up animal metaphors aside, she really needed Cathy onboard with this if she wanted to make a successful attempt at being a Love Guru.
"Cathy, this is your golden opportunity to show him that you're not a mouse. You're a reporter, willing to do anything to get a good story. I think once the shock wears off, he'll see you differently. I know I certainly have. So, what do you say?"
She watched as a huge smile spread across Cathy's face. Jamie was shocked to see that Cathy's smile was amazing. Her teeth were straight and white and there was a thin but adorable gap between her front two teeth. She'd rarely seen Cathy exhibit this joyful expression before and was pleased to note that it made her look almost pretty.
But Cathy wasn't smiling at Jamie's pep talk. She'd figured out a way to get out of being the center of attention. "I know. Clay can do it. He'd love to be in the limelight. It's perfect."
Inwardly, Jamie groaned. Could Cathy really be this clueless? "I know that seems like the solution, but Clay isn't really a good test subject for this."
Cathy looked crestfallen. "What do you mean? He'd be thrilled to do whatever crazy stunt you come up with, and he'd probably end up with his own reality TV show by the end of it. People really like him."
Crazy stunt? Jamie watched the younger woman closely. There was a wistful note in Cathy's tone that hinted at a lifetime spent in Clay's shadow. She wasn't bitter exactly, but she was definitely resigned to being less noticeable than her flamboyant brother.
At that moment Jamie became determined to bring Cathy out into the light. She still cared about saving her store, but she desperately wanted to help Clay's sister as well. She knew what it was like to define herself by comparisons to a sibling. It simply wasn't right to allow Cathy to continue feeling inferior to her brother. She would do whatever necessary to help Cathy see that she was a separate and fabulous person in her own right.
"Clay is great,” Jamie said. “But he has a complete ass-hat of a boyfriend who probably won't be too happy if we're using Clay to demonstrate how to attract men."
"Probably not, but Willem won't even commit to Clay, so I really don't think he should have much say in the matter. He still goes out with other people. Maybe this will actually motivate him to settle down. You know, make him jealous."
Jamie looked doubtful. "Maybe. Though I'm not sure if I really want to encourage Clay and Willem the Worm to become any closer." Jamie took a sip from her drink and looked longingly at Cathy's chocolate chip muffin. She really needed to eat. Something healthy and not in the chocolate food group. If she gained anymore weight she was going to have to start letting out her skirts again and she’d already done that twice over the last three months.
Cathy bounced in her seat with excitement. “What if Clay finally came to his senses and cut him loose?”
"I don’t think that’s going to happen anytime soon. But even if it did and Clay agreed to be your guru, he's not the right demographic. Vancouver has a thriving and really wonderful gay community, but I doubt your paper is looking for something quite that risqué. It's hard to believe, but there are still a lot of people out there who might be offended about a series of articles on men looking to attract men."
Cathy began picking at her muffin. "Do you think so?"
"I do. Also, I really don't know much about attracting gay men. It's not exactly my forte." She gestured down at her lap. "I really don't have what they're looking for and if I did then this would be a very different article."
Cathy giggled at this. "Wouldn't the more conservative readers love that? An article on how hermaphrodites can attract more men?"
This time both of Jamie's eyebrows went flying up in surprise. This woman really did have more than a touch of Clay's wit. "No, I can't really see that going over too well."
“Too bad. That would make a fascinating article."
"No doubt. But getting back to our current problem. Even if Clay agreed to be your test subject, you'd need a new Love Guru. 'Cause I only know about heterosexual men and they wouldn't be all that interested in Clay."
Cathy looked crestfallen. "Couldn't Clay do it? He definitely knows a lot about attracting men. He drinks for free most nights at the clubs."
"Sweetie. Clay would make an excellent Love Guru if you could do your article on gay men, which you can't. But then he couldn't be your test subject. It's a vicious circle. Either way, you are royally screwed. And not in a good way. We can discuss this for hours, but bottom line is that you're going to have to do it. Or find someone like you to do it."
"But what about my conflict of interest? How am I going to be objective if I'm part of the article?"
"Cat. This is not Watergate. You're doing a human interest investigative story. The public loves to read first-hand accounts of people testing products and theories. Ethically, it's perfectly alright for you to take part in our little experiment, and you know it. I'm sure your journalism professors would tell you the same thing. So, why don't you tell me why you really don't want to do this?"
Cathy took off her thick glasses and rubbed them with a napkin.
Jamie noticed that without her specs Cathy looked even more like a mouse. Or maybe a near-sighted bunny. Her eyelashes were so blonde they were practically invisible. She was plain Cathy; until she looked up and Jamie saw Clay's startling green eyes staring myopically back at her. How had she never noticed that Cathy possessed those amazing orbs? This girl needs contact lenses, STAT, she thought to herself.
"Isn't it obvious?" Cathy sighed, waving her glasses at her body.
"No, it really isn't. I think you'd be perfect for this."
Cathy slid her glasses back on and gave them a poke with her index finger. "That's kind of you to say, but the reality is that no matter what you do, this experiment is doomed for failure if I'm the test subject."
"What? No it isn't. You're exactly what we're looking for."
"You mean I'm average," Cathy said morosely.
"No, I mean you're typical. That's not the same thing at all. The typical woman is afraid to put herself out there, just like you, or doesn't know what to do to make the most of herself. Also, just like you." Jamie reached out and placed a hand on Cathy's arm. "But that doesn't mean you're deficient in any way and you shouldn't feel bad about needing help. No one teaches us this stuff and it's not knowledge we're born with. We have to seek it out, which is pretty embarrassing. So we give up because it's easier to just blame men and the world in general because we can't find a decent date."
Cathy gave her a mistrustful look. "Okay, I'm typical. Not average. But how about you? Why do you know so much about attracting men? I mean, besides the obvious." She looked pointedly at Jamie's flawless makeup and sexy secretary ensemble.
"Are you kidding me? I haven'
t been on a date in almost two years. I'm hardly an expert."
"What? I thought you were exaggerating yesterday. How can you be a Love Guru and not have oodles of experience?"
"Hey, I never advertised myself as an expert. And I'm not as experienced as everyone believes. Not even close. Besides, you and Clay talked me into this. So I'm prepared to share my attraction theories which are based on observing men in their most natural state for years.”
“You mean the strip club?"
"Well, it was actually a gentleman's club where we performed choreographed burlesque routines rather than gyrating solo on a pole. But close enough. Believe me, if you want to see men reduced to their lowest common denominator then get a bunch of them together, add a few half-naked women and a whole lot of booze and you'll get a crash course in what they're all about. It was extremely enlightening."
"That bad?"
"No, not at all. It was fun. I loved the music and the costumes. It was exciting. I mean, sometimes the guys got out of line, but I was lucky enough to be working in a very upscale place. No one was allowed to touch me, and any rude or disrespectful behavior wasn't tolerated. But it was still an education. In that atmosphere their polite public masks are stripped away and you see them how they really are."
"And how are they?"
"Well, mostly they're pretty harmless. Just horny, overgrown adolescents with expense accounts and jobs."
Cathy covered her mouth with her hand. "You make them sound like simpletons."
"I don't mean to. They're not simple exactly, just transparent. And though I'm sure there are millions of guys out there who are complex and mysterious, in my experience, they're not complicated at all. So, you shouldn't feel intimidated by them. They're not that difficult to figure out. They want the four 'A's."
Cathy looked bewildered. "The Four 'A's? Isn't that some kind of agriculture club that farm kids belong to?"
"You're thinking of '4H'. No the four 'A's refers to Affection, Admiration, Acceptance and Approval. Men want these things from women. Whether it's their mother or their boss or their girlfriend. Everything they do is geared towards gaining the Four A's from some poor female."
"I thought they wanted sex?"
"They do, but that's not all they want. They're physically driven to pursue sex, but emotionally it's all about the 4A's. And think about it. Isn't sex, at its core, about acceptance? I mean we accept them into our bodies which means we approve of them in some way at least. And if we're touching them affectionately and expressing admiration for them while they're getting down to business then we're giving them everything they need."
“Wow. You've really given this some thought, haven't you?"
"A little bit. Yeah." Jamie ignored the blush suddenly rising up her pale neck. She really did spend a lot of time trying to figure people out, especially men. It was sort of a hobby she'd forgotten about until recently. Clearly, she still found the rough and hairy gender very fascinating, even if she never had time for them.
Cathy sighed. "I still don't think I have what it takes to make this experiment work. I'm useless when it comes to attracting men, and none of your theories will change that."
"Cat. When I look at you, I see a woman with loads of potential, but who's clueless how to make it work for her. Just like about a gazillion other people in this city. Which makes you absolutely ideal. I wish you could believe that."
"Even if that were all true. I really don't think I can do this. I'm not Clay. And I don't know what you're planning exactly, but I suspect you're going to want to put me in some awkward social situations. And that really isn't my thing at all. I get hives just thinking about it. I wish I had a fraction of Clay's confidence, but I just don't."
"I totally get that. But you can do this. I know it."
"No, Clay could do this. It's like he was genetically engineered in a lab to be charming. I'm not him. I don't know how to talk to strangers. And talking to people I do know isn't that much better. And forget about interacting with men. Attractive guys give me hysterical muteness."
"Hysterical muteness? Is that a real thing?"
"For me it is."
"Listen, I know exactly where you're coming from. I have a sister too, remember?"
"Jamie. Jessica is about as outgoing as a houseplant. You have no idea what it's like to grow up geeky next to a sibling who positively reeked of popularity."
Jamie gave her a stern look. "C'mon. Jessica isn't nearly as shy as she used to be and you make it sound like Clay was Prom King or something. From what he's said, being gay made him a social outcast in your little Alberta town."
Cathy snorted. "Oh Please. Medicine Hat isn't all that small. And he graduated in 1999, not 1959. No one really cared that much about him being gay. I know he makes it sound like he was bullied at every turn but that's not true at all. Maybe it felt like that to him because a few of the Neanderthal jock-straps gave him a hard time. But for the most part, Clay was worshipped at our school. And at home. My mom practically glowed with parental pride every single time he walked in the door. She still does," she grumbled.
"Seriously? He wasn't tormented?"
"Seriously. I know he likes to make out like he's been flamboyant and fabulous since birth, but the reality is that he wasn't like that at all as a kid. He may have been in drama club, and had a disturbing amount of N'sync posters on his wall, but he also played hockey and dated girls. At least until he came out during his senior year."
Jamie nearly choked on her coffee. "Clay played hockey?" She spluttered. It was impossible to picture impeccable Clay wearing cumbersome, sweaty hockey gear and getting up at the ass-crack of dawn to willingly chase a puck around an icy rink.
The dating girls part didn't surprise her nearly as much. Jamie had no illusions about Clay in that regard. He was clearly attracted to men and had embraced the stereotypical gay aversion to anything that suggested otherwise, but on at least three drunken occasions she and Clay had ended up making out passionately after an evening of clubbing together. It had never progressed beyond that. Neither of them was willing to sacrifice their friendship to pursue anything more. But it had been very clear to Jamie that Clay wasn't nearly as put off by women as he pretended. It was just part of his persona.
The real Clay was in there somewhere between the sophisticated urban gay man and the misunderstood farm jock with a secret. Just like the real Jamie resided somewhere between the provocative stripper and the sedate business woman facade she'd assumed recently. Now, if she could just convince Cathy that she also could also evolve into a more polished and confident version of herself then she would have the potential for a great makeover. Not to mention a real chance at inspiring people to re-invent themselves. The mere idea of helping people on that scale made her positively giddy with excitement. All of her selfish behavior after her parent's death wouldn't matter if she could make this happen.
Cathy grinned. "Yup. He was good too. Our dad was really disappointed when he quit."
Jamie shook her head in wonder. "It boggles the mind. But getting back to Jessica, what I meant was that growing up with someone like her wasn't easy either."
"No offense." Cathy said dryly. "But I can't imagine you having any trouble outshining Jessica. She's wonderful, but clearly you are the more charismatic twin."
Jamie chose to ignore this second slur against her sister. Usually she would fly to Jessica's defense, and put Cathy in her place but she didn't actually think Clay's little sister meant to insult anyone. She seemed to have some uncontrollable contempt for anyone who struggled with overcoming shyness. Perhaps because she saw it as a weakness in herself.
Jamie took another sip from her mug to stall for a moment and gather her thoughts. "Well, I don't know about that, but I used to believe that she was everything I'm not. Like, she's the smart one. The serious one. And I'm the wild and frivolous one. Some would say I'm the slutty, selfish one. We've been playing those roles for so long I’d started to believe that I was that person. But I'm not
. There's more to me than who I am in relation to her. I may not be bookish and saintly like her, but I'm intelligent in my own way. I also realized that I don't have to be outrageous all the time or shock people just because that's what they expect from me. I can run a business, and I don't have to flirt with every man I meet. There's more to me than that. And there's more to you than being Clay's introverted little sister."
"Maybe so, but you have no idea what it was like growing up with him. I mean, I love my brother, but he pretty much sucks up all the attention in any situation."
Jamie grinned at this. She could well imagine having to contend with Clay's need for drama on a daily basis. "But you're not in his shadow anymore. You don't have to be that person. In fact, I think you're more like him than you know."
Cathy looked at her in disbelief. "You have got to be kidding me. We're hardly even the same species. If we didn't both have the same freakishly long gorilla toes, I wouldn't even believe we were related."
"See. That's what I mean. You have the same quirky sense of humor as your brother and you've talked practically non-stop for the past hour." Jamie looked at her watch. “You’ve just decided to put yourself in this box where it's safe and comfortable and you never have to compete with him, but now you're discovering that you're trapped in there. I think it's time to get you out. And that means taking an active role in this article. Starting with a makeover. What do you think?"
"Makeover? Why do I need a makeover? I thought this was about my personality, or lack thereof."
Inwardly, Jamie sighed. Could Cathy really not see that her plain and downright frumpy outward appearance hardly invited people to approach her? "It is. But part of that will be seeing yourself in a new way. And changing your style a wee bit will really help alter your perspective. Don't you think?"
"Not really. But you're the Love Guru."
"I am, aren't I?"
The Love Laws Page 4