“I’m trying to make this good, Reverie.” My voice is hoarse. I sound like I can barely hold it together, which is pretty damn close to the truth.
“It’s already good,” she confesses so softly I almost don’t hear her. “So, so good.”
Our cheeks are pressed together and I move away from her slightly, repositioning myself so our mouths are more aligned. Warning bells are going off in my head, clanging loudly till they’re all I can hear. Telling me I shouldn’t do this. Shouldn’t play with her. Shouldn’t even look at her, let alone touch her. She deserves so much more than this.
So much more than me.
I push the warnings out of my head, determined to do something for me for once. I’ve done everything for everyone else for so damn long. I took the fall along with David all because of his lies. I took care of Mom because she was dying. What about me? What about what I want?
It’s my turn to take. And to give, all at once, with Reverie.
Touching her cheek, I drift my fingers across her satiny soft skin. She opens her eyes, her gaze meeting mine and I swear she’s holding her breath.
“Close your eyes,” I tell her and she does so without hesitation, licking her lips once more. I study her for a long, quiet moment, taking in every tiny little detail. Her smooth skin, her rounded cheeks, her thick, dark lashes. They flutter, as if it’s taking everything within her to keep her eyes shut and a surge of unfamiliar emotion floods through me, making me feel wobbly.
“Nick,” she whispers, and that needy, pleading little sound pushes me over the edge.
I lean in and settle my mouth on hers. One kiss. Two. Soft. Gentle. I kiss her bottom lip, her top lip, one corner of her mouth, then the other. I drag my lips up her chin, teasing her, kissing her again, drinking from her perfectly sweet, perfectly lush lips. She remains completely still, her hand still braced on my shoulder, my hand still cupping the side of her face. I tilt her head back the slightest bit so I can rain kisses on her chin, her jaw, her throat.
A shuddery breath escapes her as her hand curls into my skin, clutching me almost desperately. I step closer to her, our feet tangling together, my chest brushing against hers as I slip my hand behind her neck. Lifting my head, I look at her, the riot of pink color in her cheeks, her lips damp from mine, her eyes still tightly closed.
“How was that?” I ask, my voice low, my thoughts chaotic. That was nothing. A minor kiss in the scope of things.
So why do I feel all twisted up in knots? Like the most momentous thing of my life just happened, all within about ninety seconds’ time? It was just a kiss.
Yet it was more than that. Way more.
She slowly opens her eyes, her expression dazed as she blinks up at me. “That was…”
“Okay?” I smile, trying to keep it light so I don’t expose how much that just…what? Moved me? I kept it slow on purpose so I wouldn’t freak her out and instead I feel completely pushed off my axis. What the hell would’ve happened if I’d slipped my tongue into her mouth, let my hands wander, let myself get out of control…?
I wouldn’t be able to stop, that’s what. Not with Reverie. I want her too damn much.
“It was good.” She nods once and I cock an eyebrow at her, earning a tiny smile from her in return. “It was perfect,” she adds.
“Perfect? So I set myself up to fail next time?” I slide my fingers into her hair, savoring the silky softness.
“I-I don’t know.” She closes her eyes again and thunks her head against the wall behind her. “I’m so not good at this.”
“You’re perfect at it,” I whisper against her lips before I kiss her again. I can’t resist. Our mouths linger and I angle my head, tempted to deepen the kiss. I shouldn’t. I just told myself I shouldn’t but…
Yeah. I rarely follow the rules, even my own. And that’s what usually gets me in trouble.
Carefully, I dart my tongue out and lick her top lip. Once. A quick little swipe to test her and she whimpers, slips her arm around my neck and draws me even closer to her.
Looks like she just passed my test with flying colors. And that means I need to break this off quick.
Pulling away from her, I smooth her hair away from her forehead, stroke my index finger along her hairline. She blows out a harsh breath from between pursed lips, her eyes still closed as if she’s afraid to open them. I take a step away from her, then another, creating some much needed distance between us.
“Nick.” She swallows hard and opens her eyes. “Would you…”
“Hey douchebag, you in there? Better not be jacking the horses you fucking pervert!”
Christ. It’s Michael. Accusing me of jerking off horses in front of Reverie, no doubt. Way to make an impression.
I spring into action, moving away from Reverie with lightning speed. “Go over to the horses,” I whisper-hiss at her, not bothering to slow down as I head toward the giant industrial sink in the far corner of the room. I crank on the water at full blast at the exact moment Michael strides into the stables, whistling some popular rap shit song that he was playing at full blast earlier this morning.
My back is to Reverie as I wash my hands, wash away the scent of her from my skin. My lips still fucking tingle from kissing her and my mind is officially blown. I’ve never reacted that way toward a kiss before.
Ever.
“Whoa. Rev. What are you doing in here?” Michael asks as he skids to a stop.
“I came down to feed the horses,” she says, sounding a little breathless. And a lot guilty.
I glance over my shoulder to see her patting the old palomino aptly named Trigger. She has a couple of sugar cubes in the palm of her hand and I wonder where she found them. Maybe she’d brought them in her pocket?
“And you found loser in here all alone shoveling shit?” Michael laughs, jerking his thumb toward me. He finds his greatest joy in not having to clean out the stables. It’s the worst job on the property. Definitely my least favorite.
Though if it helps bring me closer to Reverie, then maybe I won’t protest after all.
“Hope he’s been treating you all right,” Michael continues as he ambles toward me, his gaze still stuck on Reverie.
“He hasn’t even really said a word to me beyond hi,” she replies, sniffing a little as she turns toward the horse and whispers something to him, holding her palm out flat with the sugar cubes presented as a treat. The horse gobbles them up, his giant teeth making her giggle as they scrape across her hand. The sound of her laughter dances across my nerve endings, making me long to go to her and I glance in her direction to find her studying me with the same yearning I’m feeling in her eyes.
Michael would have to be a blind man not to notice what’s happening here between us.
“Well, aren’t you a rude bastard?” Michael nudges my shoulder and I jerk my gaze away from Reverie, sending him a deathly glare in answer before I return my attention to the sink. I shut off the water with a fierce jerk and then tear off a couple of paper towels without a word, dry my hands and start to head out.
“See ya, Reverie,” I say with a curt nod as I stride out of the stables, Michael chasing after me.
“Bye Nicholas.” Her soft voice makes my heart clench. She sounds sad and damn it, I don’t want to make her sad. I just kissed her for God’s sake. I wanted to keep on kissing her too.
Not good.
Eyeing my shirt hanging on the railing in front of the stables, I snag it and slip it on, wrinkling my nose when I smell it. I need a shower fucking stat. What I really need is to dunk my head in a cold bucket of water and purge all thoughts of Reverie from my head.
“What’s your prob bro?” Michael asks.
“Nothing,” I mutter as I start toward the house. I figure if I keep moving I won’t give Michael enough time to ask me questions I don’t want to answer. “It’s got to be past quittin’ time, right? I’m beyond ready to clock out.”
“Yeah, me too. I was just coming to tell you that and help you out if you needed
it so we could get out of here.” Michael pauses. “Looks like you found plenty of help already though.”
I stop and whirl on him. “What the hell are you talking about?” The deadly edge to my voice takes me back to when I was in jail. Constantly having to defend myself. I’d been on high watch every single day I spent in that hellhole. Funny how easy it is for me to go right back into that mode. No matter how much I don’t want it to be, it’s still in me, buried deep. An experience I can never escape.
“You and Rev alone in the stables? She sounded all breathless and weird dude. I know the horses don’t get her going that good.” Michael rocks back on his heels. “Don’t tell me you’re fucking around with Hale’s daughter.”
“I’m not fucking around with Hale’s daughter,” I toss out as I start walking once more, slowing my pace so I don’t seem so angry. I don’t want Michael to suspect shit. He’s my friend, I trust him with some stuff but not everything.
And right now, Reverie is my secret. Just like I’m hers.
“If you were, you’d tell me right? So I could keep lookout for you? Her parents would kill you if they found out you were making moves on her. She’s innocent man. I know that girl’s never been on a date. And I can sure as shit guarantee she’s never been kissed, let alone any other stuff,” Michael says as he falls into step beside me. “Daddy Hale keeps her under lock and key. I hear that ring she wears is some sort of purity promise she made to him. They had a ceremony and everything.”
I stumble over nothing at Michael’s words and save myself from falling on my ass, hoping like hell he didn’t notice. Whatever he’s saying sounds like a big load of crap. “Are you for real?”
“As real as anything. Haven’t you heard of those purity ceremonies girls participate in? They’ve been around for a while and they were getting all sorts of media attention there for about five minutes before some other new fad started,” Michael explains. “I know Reverie participated in one. That’s where the pearl ring comes from.”
Purity ceremonies. I’ve never heard of such a thing. Granted I hang out with girls like Krista who gave up their virginity when they were too young but hell, so did I. We were kids fucking around. We didn’t know what we were doing. It sucks. I sometimes regret using Krista like I have. But then I remember how she uses me too and then I don’t feel so bad.
That’s what the two of us are. Users. No wonder we should stick together. No one else would probably really want us anyway.
“How do you know she’s vowed chastity or whatever to her daddy?” I ask with an eye roll added in for good measure. I hope he believes I’m blowing this entire thing off. Can’t have him know how curious I really am. “This all sounds like a total crock.”
“I know it’s freaking true because they held a celebration dinner here last summer.” Michael kicks at a rock and sends it flying. “Weird right? They invited a few close friends and some other girl who also made the same vow to her father. They were one big happy family of virgins swearing their virtue to their daddies.”
Hell. Here I went kissing a girl in the stables—fucking shirtless—and she’s made a vow of purity to her father to remain a virgin until…what? She marries? Or is she stuck with her dad as a virgin forever?
Okay that last thought is just flat out creepy.
“So I’m warning you. There’s nothing there when it comes to Reverie. Nothing. Even if she flirts with you, you don’t stand a chance,” Michael says. “She’s a good girl. She does what her parents say. She has an entire congregation on national television watching her every move.”
“She’s hardly on the show anymore,” I say in annoyance, my thoughts in turmoil. I can hardly comprehend what Michael just told me. It’s all so damn weird.
“That you even know this proves to me you already know too much.” He points his finger at me. “Leave her alone, Fairfield. Find some other chick to sniff after. Some girl who’ll give it up to you easily and doesn’t have all that baggage. Rev’s sweet and she’s a freaking hottie, but she won’t put out. And even if she did—which she so won’t—you will never come first. Her family does. And after her family comes God. She’s the real deal man.”
His words linger in my head long after we say goodbye and leave Hale House in separate cars. They haunt me for my next two days off. After I fight off Krista multiple times when she tries to freakin’ accost me. When I find myself in my room, in my bed late at night staring at the ceiling, thinking of Reverie. Remembering how soft her lips were, how she whispered my name, her hand on my skin, fingers curled around the back of my neck. Her tongue…
Jesus. Her tongue.
I need to stay away from her. What I want, I’m not going to get. I should tell Krista to come over and take out all of my sexual frustration on her. She’d be a more than willing participant.
Instead it’s just me and my hand, with thoughts of Reverie floating through my mind. These two days off give me much needed distance.
And almost make me want her that much more.
In other words, I’m completely screwed.
Dear Diary,
(July 8th, 7:45 p.m.) He kissed me.
Again.
I can hardly find the words to describe how wonderful it was. How incredibly romantic and sweet and sexy…
His lips are so soft. The way he touched me, the things he said, the hitch in his breath right before our lips touched, his fingers in my hair. Tangling, tugging a little bit. As if he somehow wanted to pull me close. Closer. Like he couldn’t get enough of me.
I felt the same way.
I’m changed. Completely changed. I thought my crush on him was overwhelming and all I did was watch him. Yearn for him. Wish he would really look at me, talk to me, get to know me.
But now, it’s all different. Now I know what it’s like to be held in his strong arms, to feel his mouth on mine, his taste…
No one ever told me it could be like this. Of course, none of my friends have boyfriends, just innocent crushes. I felt the same way about Nick. That’s all it was. A silly crush, a slight obsession, I’ve done this countless times. Lots of hopes and wishes and dreams wasted on pretty boys who never noticed me. Who never noticed any of us because first, we go to an all-girls’ school and they didn’t even know us. And second, I’m part of a…bookish crowd.
Wow. Just looking at what I wrote I feel like an old lady. ‘Bookish crowd.’
Fine. Some might call us nerds. We call ourselves highly educated and properly informed. Old lady words.
Well, my tiny circle of friends would die if they saw Nick and knew that I kissed him. DIE. I want to die right now just thinking about him. His smile. His eyes. His body (OMG his body). His hair…
It was a mess earlier. Overgrown and curling at the back of his neck, sun-kissed from all the time he spends working outside. It’s like it doesn’t know whether to be straight or curly so it sort of goes everywhere. I love it. I wish I’d touched it. Just gripped his head and plunged my fingers into his hair, holding him close as he kissed me again and again.
I’m getting ahead of myself. Michael almost caught us out in the stables, and Nick moved away from me so fast it was almost impressive. I could hardly stand, my knees were shaking so bad and everything inside of me quaked and burned. I watched him walk out of the stables barely looking at me, Michael following after him and the second they were gone I fell to the ground like I was boneless. A crumpled heap on the floor and my skin buzzing as if I’d been electrocuted. I couldn’t stop touching my lips.
I felt like I’d died and gone to heaven. All because of a kiss. A touch.
All because of Nicholas Fairfield.
If I play my cards right, I’ll have a boyfriend for the summer. A real, bona fide boyfriend. Someone to create memories with, to do things with.
Someone to fall in love with.
That’s what I want more than anything. I want to experience…everything. I want to do it all with Nick. I want him to be mine.
All mine.
(July 10th, 9:17 p.m.) It’s been two days since I last saw Nick and I feel like I’m slowly, quietly freaking out, especially because I have no one to talk to about this. At first I worried. What happened to him? Where did he go? Is he okay? Did I somehow drive him away?
That was the one thing that scared me most of all.
When I was finally brave enough to ask Heather if she’d seen Nick lately, she gave me a dirty look and said it was his day off in a really snotty tone. I was relieved to know why he was gone, but then again I got mad.
Why didn’t he try and reach out to me? It’s so stupid that I don’t have my cell phone. I got it taken away from me at the very beginning of summer because my grades weren’t up to Mom’s standards. I had all B’s. Pretty decent, right? But no, not good enough for Mommy Dearest. She took my iPhone away from me and I’ve been without it for weeks. I miss my phone. If I had it, I could give him my number and Nick could text me any time. I could make plans to sneak out and meet him somewhere. Maybe out in the woods where he first found me? Maybe he could take me to the beach, to the Snack Shack again.
But that would mean I’d probably need a new swimsuit because the one I own is so boring. One piece and black and just blah. I hate it. I look terrible in it. Not that I’m confident enough to wear a two piece in front of him. At least, I don’t think I am…
His Reverie Page 9