by Shawn Lane
After a while I moved off him and lay next to him, and he turned to wrap his arms around me. He kissed my forehead.
“Are you hungry?”
My stomach rumbled, as though the mere suggestion of it brought forth my hunger. I laughed. “I could eat.”
“Me too. I’ll get up and make us something.”
The bed dipped from his weight, and I leaned up on my elbows to watch him dress. I yawned. “Should I help?”
He smiled. “How are you at chopping veggies?”
I nodded. “I can do that.”
At that moment we were both ignoring the fact that I would be leaving in two days.
* * * *
The night before my flight back home, Emily threw a little going-away party at her home with my family attending, minus Garret, who had wisely opted out. Theo had come too, though late because he’d had some police business to handle.
The overall atmosphere had been one of forced cheerfulness. Funny; I had been there for a month, yet no one seemed happy to see me leave. Even me. Logically I needed to get home and handle everything, so logic won out. It didn’t make anyone happy.
Em was a good sport and let Theo take me to his house after for our last night together. My flight was in the morning, so Theo would take me to the airport.
Theo was on the phone in his spare room talking with his partner from the Montpelier police force, so I took the opportunity to call Marty, who would pick me up at LAX. I ended up getting his voice mail.
“Hey, Marty, no need to call me back. Just wanted to remind you to come get me tomorrow. I e-mailed you the flight information. I really appreciate it. See you tomorrow. Bye.”
Just as I disconnected the call, Theo came into the kitchen where I had been steeping a cup of tea.
“Everything okay with your case?” I asked.
“As okay as it can be right now. So Marty is coming to get you?”
“Yeah, he said he would in the e-mail he sent me.” I discarded my tea bag in the trash under the sink. I was already familiar with his house. “You’d like him. He’s very sweet.”
Theo leaned against the kitchen counter with his arms folded in front of his chest. “I’m sure.”
“Theo—”
“Dane, I want you to stay. Not just for a few more days or a few more weeks. I want you to move here. In this house.”
I winced. And I knew he saw it, but I couldn’t keep it off my face. It happened too fast. Shaking my head, I said, “I can’t.”
“Sure you could.”
“No, I can’t. I still have Donald’s estate to deal with. I own this giant house, and I don’t even know what to do with it.”
“Sell it.”
“I might. But I have decisions to make, Theo.”
“You can hire a guy to do all that for you, Dane. You have the money to do whatever you want thanks to Donald.”
I sighed. “I’m not going to just become some pampered guy who hires people to do everything for them.” I sipped my tea. “My life is there. At least right now.”
Theo’s expression was guarded. “I don’t want a long-distance relationship.”
My stomach dropped even though, really, I knew it was coming. I guess I had hoped somehow maybe he’d make an exception for me and agree to it.
“That’s all I can offer right now,” I said softly.
He nodded. “That’s what I figured you’d say. Look, we only have tonight left between us, and I guess since we can’t see eye to eye on a relationship, that’s going to have to be it.”
“Yeah.” My throat tightened, and a ball of ice had formed in my stomach, or maybe it was in place of my heart. I didn’t know. But what I did know was this was way harder than I had expected.
“So, what I guess I’m saying is, let’s spend the night together and forget all the rest.”
“Okay. I’m all for that.” And I set my tea down on the counter and went into his arms.
* * * *
I came out of Theo’s bedroom the next morning to the smell of bacon and coffee. I wasn’t sure when Theo had left the bed.
“Good morning,” Theo said when I walked into the kitchen. He stood at the stove frying bacon.
“Good morning. That smells amazing.”
“It’ll be done in a few. Help yourself to some coffee.”
I went to the cabinet above the coffeemaker and removed a mug. “You didn’t have to do that. I didn’t want you to go to any trouble.”
Theo shrugged. “We both needed to eat.”
“Yeah.” I added cream and took a large swallow of the steaming brew. I wasn’t sure how to act this morning. Last night we’d spent the better part of our time together talking with our bodies. Neither of us had gotten much rest, which didn’t bother me, because I could either try to sleep on the plane or go right to bed when I got home. Theo planned to go to work after dropping me off. “How do you feel?”
“Feel?” Theo blanched as if I had asked him to express his deepest feelings or something.
I decided to rescue him when he looked ready to hurl. “I mean, you didn’t get much sleep last night. Are you going to be able to go into work?”
“I’ll live. I’ve managed with less. Sit down there at the breakfast nook, and I’ll get you a plate.”
I did as Theo basically ordered and sipped my coffee as I watched him scooping up eggs, bacon, and potatoes on to two plates. It smelled great and would be a billion times better than any of the meals I could purchase on the flight home.
After setting the plates down, Theo took the seat next to me and handed me a fork. “You should call your sister before we leave. Say good-bye.”
I nodded. “I will.” I actually felt pretty guilty that I had spent my last night in Northfield with Theo instead of Emily. She’d been so good to me since Donald’s death, and I had paid her back by shacking up with Theo.
We ate without talking, and the silence was awkward, not companionable. He wanted me to stay forever, and I wanted him to give me a chance and see how things would do between us long-distance. And neither of us seemed willing to compromise.
So where did that leave us? Where did that leave me?
Alone.
No Donald, no Theo. Just me. Maybe that was what I needed for a while. I hadn’t been on my own for six years. But really the thought scared the crap out of me. I liked having one guy. I was never going to be the guy sleeping around.
When we finished, Theo put the dishes in the sink, and I called Emily.
“Hey, it’s me. I just wanted to say I’m leaving for the airport in just a few minutes.”
She sniffed. “Okay. It all went so fast.”
“I know, but we’ll see each other again real soon.”
“I hope so.” Emily sighed. “It’s just Garret’s barely tolerable, and Clive’s never been warm and fuzzy. It was nice having my good brother here for a change.”
I laughed at her grumbling. “I know. And I’m sorry I’ve been spending so much time with you know who.”
“I’m not,” Emily said. “I think it’s been good for both of you.”
It didn’t seem so good for either of us now, but I didn’t say it.
“I’ll call you when I get home,” I said instead.
“You’d better.”
“Definitely. I love you.”
“Love you too, Dane. Bye.”
And then I was grabbing my suitcase and following Theo out to his car. I didn’t want to go, but I couldn’t stay, and it was eating at me.
Neither of us bothered with small talk on the too-short trip to the airport. I wanted to spend longer in Theo’s company, even if we weren’t going to talk.
Theo parked in short-term parking and walked with me into the terminal. He waited while I stood in line to check in and then walked with me toward the security checkpoint. We’d have to say good-bye there.
We stood off to the side just staring at each other for several silent minutes. Like maybe we were memorizing each other. Funny, th
at. I’d never forget Theo as long as I lived.
Departures were different for same-sex couples. A guy and his girl could stand there hugging and kissing, holding on for dear life, and at the most they’d get someone yelling at them to “get a room.” More likely those watching them would smile and think about how romantic they were. If Theo and I did that, who knew what reaction we’d get? Disapproval, sneering, maybe open hostility. It sucked that we had to be careful in public places. I hoped someday there would be a time when I could kiss my lover good-bye without worrying about it. I was too off balance with leaving Theo to take a stand now.
Finally, I opened my mouth. “I just want to say these last few weeks here with you have been…I don’t want to say salvation and sound corny, but it’s close to that. Being with you has meant a lot to me, Theo. More than I thought it would be, and I know I fought it in the beginning.”
Theo swallowed heavily. “Dane.”
“Wait.” I shook my head. “If I don’t get this out, I might lose my nerve. You’re very important to me. More than you know. I wish things could be different between us, but I understand why they can’t be. Still…even though this hurts, leaving here, losing you, after everything with Donald, I’m still glad it happened. I’m still so happy you were in my life, Theo.”
Theo just stared at me then, not saying a word. I didn’t know what that meant and didn’t want to think about it too much, so I threw my arms around him and hugged him as tight as I could, wearing my bulky coat. He held me close and buried his face in my hair.
“I have to go,” I whispered. Though it was so fucking hard I could barely catch my breath, I let go of him, turned, and walked to the security line.
I had just walked through the scan and was taking off my jacket and shoes when I heard, “I love you, Dane.”
It was clear and as loud as if he was standing beside me. I didn’t turn around for almost thirty seconds, and when I did, Theo was no longer standing outside the security checkpoint. He had said those words and then walked away.
Numbly, I went through the motions of having my shoes and my carry-on stuff scanned by security. I put my shoes back on and headed in the direction of my gate. I didn’t notice anything around me. Not the people, not the sounds. Just his words echoed in my head.
“I love you, Dane.”
What a great way to throw a guy’s whole life into chaos. What was I supposed to do with that information anyway? And if he did love me, than why wouldn’t he try harder to make it work?
I didn’t know, and I was so tired of thinking and feeling.
Chapter 8
I didn’t sleep at all on the plane, though that wasn’t really surprising. I never seemed to settle enough to sleep while flying. Flying direct to Los Angeles from Vermont wasn’t an option, so I connected through Chicago. By the time I reached home, it had been a long, exhausting day of travel.
Already I missed Theo like crazy, and it didn’t help one bit how he had ended things between us. I couldn’t wait to see Marty. He usually managed to put a smile on my face.
I waited until most of the passengers had deplaned before getting up from my seat at the back of the jet. By the time I got inside the terminal, my cell phone was buzzing.
I’m here, read Marty’s text.
Just got off, I texted back.
I’m waiting by the baggage claim.
I knew Marty wouldn’t make everything all right, but he would make me feel better, and since I hadn’t seen him since before Donald’s death, I quickened my pace and made it to the escalator going down to the next level in just a few minutes. I needed to pee, but I didn’t want to stop at the restrooms on the way. I wanted out of there.
Once I reached baggage claim, I saw him. Or rather part of him. Marty had been a little chubby most of his life, but the Marty standing there waiting to greet me with a huge smile was a fraction of his former size.
“Dane,” he called out cheerfully and came at me to pull me into one of his world-famous bear hugs. They were still warm and tight, and my throat clogged. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I wasn’t here.”
I leaned my head on his shoulder and hugged him back for dear life. “It’s okay. You couldn’t have known.”
After a few more seconds, Marty let me go and held me back to look at me. “You look tired.”
“I’m exhausted,” I admitted. “You look—wow, Marty, what the hell?”
He laughed. “I lost almost fifty pounds.” He turned around in a pirouette. “Like?”
“You look amazing.” And he did. He’d always been just adorable with dark hair that tended to curl, leaving little ringlets on his forehead, and deep blue eyes, but now I was pretty sure he’d be beating women and gay men off him.
“Let’s wait for your bags.” Marty grabbed my hand and led me to the baggage carousel. “The truth is, Dane, I went to a fat farm.”
“What? You didn’t tell me that.”
“I know. On purpose. What if I didn’t lose any weight or something? I didn’t want anyone to know.” Marty hugged me again. “Anyway, who cares about me? How was Vermont?”
“Nice.”
Marty rolled his eyes. “Nice. Don’t give me nice. Well, hold on. You can tell me about it when we get to your house.”
My house. It sounded so strange, but it was true. I had a big, almost empty house in the Hollywood Hills.
After we collected my bags, Marty led me to his barely running ten-year-old sedan. I tried not to grimace openly, but feared I didn’t succeed.
“What?” Marty asked, as he unlocked the doors.
“Shouldn’t you get a shiny new car to go with the shiny new body?”
“I still owe the credit cards for my trip.”
As he started up the car, something occurred to me.
“Marty, I could give you some money.”
“Say what?”
I nodded. “Listen, Donald left me a lot of money.”
“I’m not your friend because you’re rich, Dane.”
I snorted. “I know you were my friend before. But if I can help a friend—”
“Forget it. I can handle things on my own. Anyway, what’s this about Donald having a wife and son?”
So I told him all the details I had learned from George of Donald’s life before he met me.
“But it was on his list?” Marty asked as he pulled the car into the short driveway leading to my house.
“Yeah. George told me he was sure Donald was about to tell me, but then had his heart attack.”
“Yet he’d already changed his will.” Marty lifted my bag out of his trunk and wheeled it toward the front door.
“I still got the bulk of his estate.”
Marty nodded. “I never would have guessed Donald had a wife and kid. Strange.”
“Me either,” I said.
The emptiness of the house when I opened the door had me sad all over. There was no denying it was beautiful. But without Donald in it, I couldn’t imagine what the cold, hollow house could offer me. Quite a contrast from Theo’s cozy home.
I just left the bags in the front hall, and we headed to the kitchen for some coffee. I knew I’d get the third degree from Marty. I was so glad to see him and to be able to tell someone all about Theo.
Marty stirred two heaping teaspoons of sugar into his coffee. “So, tell me. How much maple syrup did you eat while you were there?”
I laughed. “None. You know I don’t like maple.”
He shook his head. “Has to be sacrilegious or something for someone from Vermont not to like maple.”
“Probably.”
“Well, I assume you at least brought home some for me.”
“Uh.” I bit my lip sheepishly. “No.”
“Not even some little maple candies?”
Wincing, I shook my head. “Sorry.”
Marty sighed dramatically. “Heathen.”
“Guilty.”
He took several sips of coffee before he said anything else, but finally
he said, “All right, so tell me about it. You mentioned Theo in your e-mails.”
I dug out my cell phone and found my photos. Emily had taken a picture of the two of us together our last night at her little going-away party. Theo’s arm was across my shoulders. I located it quickly and showed it to Marty.
“Oh wow, he’s gorgeous.”
I smiled. “Yeah.”
“You always get such great-looking guys. Those guys never look twice at me.”
“I don’t know why. You’re cute as a button.”
Marty sighed. “Right. You two look very sweet together. You aren’t going to see him again?”
“I wanted to, but I guess he didn’t.” My throat tightened.
“Why? Are you sure?”
I nodded. “He doesn’t want a long-distance relationship, and I’m just not ready to move back to Vermont. I don’t know if I ever will be.”
“He won’t move here?”
“Not a chance,” I said, finishing off my coffee. “He’s a cop in Montpelier. That’s not a job you leave easily, and he’s lived there all his life.”
“Well, that just sucks, Dane. I’m sorry.” He got up and hugged me, and I felt the weight of everything that had happened lately, and before I knew it I found myself crying all over Marty.
* * * *
A few days later I received an e-mail from Donald’s lawyer. I was sitting in Donald’s office in his chair with my laptop open on the desk. An afternoon breeze blew in through the open window.
Hello Dane,
Bobby’s mother thought you might want to see a picture of Donald’s son, so she sent this to me and asked me to forward it to you. Hope all is well. I’ll be in touch soon to see what you want to do about financial planning and possibly selling the Hollywood home. I can recommend some good folks for that.
Peter Schiller.
I opened the attachment and hit download, and soon a picture of a blond little boy about six years old popped up. Smiling, I studied him carefully. The resemblance to Donald was amazing. Especially the eyes. I couldn’t keep the grin off my face seeing a mini-me version of Donald. Tears pooled in my eyes. Maybe a few tears of regret that Donald wouldn’t get to see his son grow, but they were mostly happy.