by Erin Zak
Lila bends and shakes her head when Gwendolyn glances at her with a giant smile. “Yeah, well, if you don’t hit the ball right, you’re gonna make me nervous, and me nervous is not okay. Okay?” Gwendolyn holds up her hands, and Rylee laughs and high fives her before she runs onto the court to join her teammates. “Let’s go, ladies.” She claps a couple times before she backs up to the bench and sits next to Lila.
“That was…”
“Did I step on your toes, Coach?” Gwendolyn’s voice is dripping with sarcasm.
Lila nudges her and laughs. “No, I was going to say it was really hot.” She keeps her voice low, and Gwendolyn’s cheeks turn a lovely shade of pink. “I’m impressed.”
“Yeah, well, we’ll see if it works.”
* * *
Her coaching worked. Shockingly. Or not, depending on who was asked. Gwendolyn was shocked. Lila was not, which in turn, shocked Gwendolyn even more.
The tournament was near Indianapolis, so instead of killing themselves trying to drive the girls back that day, they got a hotel room. The Drury Inn was nice, and Gwendolyn was impressed with their three-free-drinks policy. Sadly, it wasn’t enough to dull the constant thoughts about her father.
Approaching him did nothing. He shut her down before she could get too deep. And now her brain was running a marathon. What did he mean when he said he was suffocating? How? He was always able to do what he wanted, when he wanted.
Gwendolyn tosses her towel on the chair next to the hot tub. She figures if she’s not going to be able to sleep, she might as well take advantage of the amenities. The best one is the hot tub, of course. And thankfully, it didn’t close until a full two hours after the girls’ curfew.
She slips into the water, the jets blasting away, and sighs. It’s amazing how the warmth wraps around her and the bubbles skid across her skin, the sound helping to drown out her thoughts. She leans her head back and closes her eyes. She forces herself to think about something good, something to make her happy. The only thing in her life bringing her any sort of joy is Lila. Wonderful, sweet Lila. With her heart of gold and her spirited smile, she’s managed to help Gwendolyn see things in a different light. She’s not focusing on every negative. She’s not worrying about every unknown. At least, she’s trying to not worry.
The unknown in this case is her mom and cancer and death.
Her brain slides right back to sadness. And her mind flashes to her father with his arms around another woman.
She opens her eyes and picks her head up. She needs to stop. She either needs to talk about it or let it go. Obsessing is doing nothing good for her mind. Or her soul, which for the first time in ages is starting to feel light again.
How did she never notice how heavy everything felt until now? She convinced herself she was good, she was fine, and she was happy in California. She made friends and went to dinners. Her auditions weren’t incredible, but she’d done as much as she could to get her name out there, to get supporting roles, to grab fame by the waist and twirl it around the dance floor.
Everything is crashing down around her now. No job. No money coming in. And now all of this.
“Mind if I join you?” Lila’s voice shakes her out of her thoughts.
“I thought you were sleeping,” she says, eyeing Lila as she slides her robe over her shoulders and tosses it onto the chair. Gwendolyn smiles when Lila steps into the tub. Her black bikini is nothing flashy, but damn, it’s very nice. Gwendolyn remembers the shape of her breasts all too well, and as Lila sinks into the water, she reminds herself to stop staring. “I didn’t want to bother you.”
Lila smiles as her foot brushes against Gwendolyn’s leg. “I couldn’t sleep. You couldn’t either?”
She shakes her head slowly. “It was hard…knowing you were down the hall.”
“We should have shared a room.”
“The girls already think we’re sleeping together.”
Lila laughs. “Are you serious?”
“Oh yes.” She shrugs. “I heard Rylee and Miranda whispering about it at dinner.”
“Great,” Lila says, her voice barely audible over the jets. She gracefully moves next to Gwendolyn. “Is that okay with you?”
“Them talking about us?” She admires Lila’s profile, the gentle way her nose slopes, the length of her eyelashes, the small birthmark along her hairline, the scar etched into the soft flesh of her upper lip. There are moments when her beauty causes Gwendolyn’s hands to ache, as if she’s dying inside to touch her, hold her, love her. This is one of those moments. She squeezes each hand into a fist underwater, hoping to squelch the ache, but as Lila makes eye contact, Gwendolyn’s efforts are futile.
“Yeah, them talking about us.” Lila blinks once, twice, before she places a hand on Gwendolyn’s thigh. “I’ve missed you.” Her admission is soft, but Gwendolyn hears it. “So much.”
Her heart rate increases. She knows it’s from proximity, the hand on her thigh. She understands. But there’s a part of her that wonders if it’s the heat of the tub or the three free drinks from the lobby bar. “I’ve missed you, too. More than I ever thought possible.”
“Can we spend the night together? Please?”
“And waste my hotel room? Of course.”
“Even if we only snuggle.”
“If you think I can keep my hands off of you, you’re wrong.”
“Oh thank God.” After a couple beats, she places a hand on the side of the tub before she clears her throat. “I sort of felt like you were mad at me. For the game…or something?”
“I would never be mad at you over something like that. We all have moments when we doubt ourselves. You pulled out of it. I was there as back-up. I promise it’s all okay.”
“You don’t think you’ve been short with me?”
Gwendolyn doesn’t know how to respond. Maybe she has been? For no other reason than her father’s transgressions seeping into her subconscious. “I haven’t meant to be. I’m sorry if I have been.”
“Is there something else going on?”
She stares. Stop fucking around and confide in this woman who is holding your heart with both of her hands. Do it. Spit it out.
* * *
Gwendolyn looks away, her eyes fixed on something across the pool. Lila continues to study her through the steam rising from the water. Sweat is rolling down her face, and Lila can’t help but be insanely turned on. Gwendolyn wipes at her eyes. She’s struggling with something, but Lila has no idea what. She wants to help in any way possible. Maybe offer words of advice. Or encouragement to help whatever is going on.
“The other morning…” Gwendolyn stops, bites her bottom lip, then lets go, the indentations from her teeth apparent. “I saw my father kissing a woman who lives down the street from you.”
Lila’s entire world screeches to a halt. “Oh?”
“Yeah.”
“You’re sure it was him?” She knows it was him. She’s known for months. Years, even. David Carter has been cheating on his wife for the entire time she’s known him. And she never thought she’d be confronted with the facts twice in her life. The first time was from Carol, and how is she supposed to respond?
Gwendolyn lets out a small laugh, but Lila doesn’t know what’s so funny. “It was him. No question about it.”
“I was only asking.”
“His truck was parked in front of her house.” She laughs again. “She couldn’t have been more than twenty.”
A student, Gwen. She was a student. Come on now. “What are you going to do?”
“I don’t know.”
“Are you going to tell your mom?” She watches the idea wash over Gwendolyn’s face. “Do you think you should?”
“I honestly have no idea.” She leans her head back on the ledge. The water has gotten the underside of her hair wet, and her sweat has done the rest. Lila can’t stop herself from moving a few pieces that are plastered to her face. “What do you think?”
Lila freezes, hand in midair. She mo
ves it quickly, dipping it back into the water. She pushes her own hair behind her ears, then tries to do something with her hands. She’s fidgeting. “I think you should do whatever you feel good about.” She knows telling Carol will eventually lead to the fact that she already knows, and then what? Gwendolyn is going to be so upset that she’s the last to know. That she was left out of a family affair, no pun intended. Lila cannot bear the thought of hurting her. She’s been through enough. And now this?
“I don’t know what I feel good about.” She sighs. “I don’t want to keep it from her, but what if it crushes her spirit?”
“Do you think this is the first time?”
“It has to be.”
Oh, Gwen, stop being so naive. “Okay.”
“Why? Do you think he’s done it before?”
“No, not at all.” Oh, Lila, there you go lying again. What the hell is wrong with you?
Gwendolyn stands. She leans down, her face within inches of Lila’s, and smiles. “Will you please come to the room with me?”
“That’s a subject change if I’ve ever heard one.” She laughs. “You okay?”
“I’m done discussing my father and his lyin’ and cheatin’ ways.” She licks her lips, and Lila feels it in the pit of her stomach. “I’d like to focus on you for the rest of the night. If that’s okay.”
“Um, yes. That is okay.” Lila places her hand on Gwendolyn’s cheek, rubbing her thumb along the soft skin. “I don’t think I’ll ever be able to say no to you.”
“Good.” Her tone is so sexy, it makes everything in Lila’s body spring to life, including her center, which starts to tingle. She lets herself be led out of the hot tub. She slips into the robe as Gwendolyn holds it up, then waits as Gwendolyn towels off. Her bikini is ridiculous. The yellow top shows off her ample breasts and erect nipples, and the cheeky black bottoms are enough to cause her to shiver.
“This bikini should be illegal,” Lila whispers as she slips a finger under the seam along Gwendolyn’s left ass cheek. She snaps the spandex, and Gwendolyn’s laugh is perfect.
“You gonna call 9-1-1?” Gwendolyn rubs the towel over her chest before she wraps it around her.
“I might have to.”
“And what, pray tell, would be your emergency?”
Lila smiles as she takes a step away. “Death by seduction, of course.”
Gwendolyn laughs as she follows. “How would you call if you’re dead?”
“I didn’t say I’d be the one who’s dead.”
“Well, shit.”
Lila looks back, loosens the knot on her robe, and runs her fingers down her cleavage. “I know a thing or two about being seductive.”
“Jesus.” Gwendolyn licks her lips for the fifth or sixth time. “You’re right. I won’t survive.”
Lila lets herself relax as they board the elevator. She smiles and raises her eyebrows. “I get you first this time.” She watches as Gwendolyn visibly swallows. “Deal?”
“Deal. Without a single argument.”
“Good.” She gets off the elevator as the doors slide open. “Let’s go, then.” She chuckles at Gwendolyn’s eagerness as she bounds out. She is fully aware of how out of character she’s being. Gwendolyn wanted to talk, but Lila’s a horrible liar. And the more Gwendolyn discusses David, the more Lila wants to come clean. And the truth isn’t possible right now. If ever. She only hopes she can escape the entire situation without ever hurting Gwendolyn.
For some reason, she fears how wrong she is in hoping for a happy ending. Hurt is inevitable in this case. Her resistance to allow it is the only thing which stands between her and happiness. God, she hopes happiness wins.
Chapter Eighteen
“You have the stat sheets for me?”
Lila turns to look at Carol, who is dressed in a sweatshirt and sweatpants, a blanket wrapped around her, and the sight is causing Lila to sweat. Carol is constantly cold these days, a stark contrast to the days of hot flashes and windows flung open in the dead of winter. The August heat has been horrible so far, so the blanket and sweats are even more jarring. Not to mention the knit cap pulled over her ears. The last remnants of hair have fallen away, including her eyebrows, which Carol was the most upset about.
“I had a great eyebrow game,” she said with a sigh. “Now I have to draw them on like every other lady in her sixties.”
Lila doesn’t want to admit Carol looks as tired as she sounds. A truthful admission means opening the door to defeat, even if it’s only a crack. She’s been as positive as possible, if for no other reason than to be a rock in Gwendolyn’s life.
She sighs. “Sitting and watching the game film isn’t enough?”
“No. And you know that. I want to know what’s going on. Sitting in this goddamn house all day is killing me. The cancer isn’t killing me. This is.” She waves her hands around the living room. “I can’t be cooped up for much longer, or I’m going to go insane.”
Lila pulls an iPad from her messenger bag, and Carol greedily accepts it. She’s giddy as she taps through where the stats are tracked. She glances at where the second to last tournament game is playing on the TV. She pauses it and points. “Who taught her that?”
“What?”
“Miranda. Who taught her to adjust her footwork like that?” Her tone sounds accusatory, but there’s a look on her face that says she’s not at all angry. “She figured it out on her own? I doubt it.”
“Gwen coached her on the sidelines.”
“My Gwen?”
“What other Gwen do you know?”
Carol lets out a, “Hmph,” before she presses play again. This time, she gasps when Rylee hits a perfect quick set out of the middle. “And that?”
“Gwen again.”
“Well, shit.” She presses play and leans forward. She can’t lean too far because of the pillow on her lap where she lays her crossword puzzles, but the slight movement has Lila smiling. “Their footwork looks awesome. They’re even covering the blocks here. I’m impressed.”
“Yeah, um, that was Gwen again.” Lila clears her throat. “She really knows her stuff.”
Carol cocks an eyebrow, her eyes fixed on Lila. “You know I taught her everything I know.”
“Oh, I know.” She smiles. “She sounds like you when she talks to the girls. It’s…” She pauses, flashing back to Gwendolyn and her easy breezy vibe. “It’s really calming. Sort of like you’re there.”
“That’s a good thing.” Carol pauses the game again. “Can I ask why she’s stepping into that role? Isn’t this your time to shine?”
Yes. Yes, it is my time to shine, but I can’t. I can’t…I cannot handle the idea of shining without you. “Yeah, but I don’t mind sharing the spotlight.”
“You’re lying.”
Lila groans. “Why do you think you know me so well?”
“Because I practically raised you, young lady. Now tell me what’s going on.”
“I sort of fell apart during the previous game.”
“Mm-hmm.” Carol stares over the top of her glasses. “Need to talk about that?”
“About what? Me falling apart?” Lila shakes her head. “No, thank you.”
Carol folds the cover of the iPad into place and sets it on the end table. She rests a hand on Lila’s forearm and rubs the pad of her thumb back and forth over the underside of Lila’s arm. “Talking to me helps. Doesn’t it?”
Lila sighs. “Of course, it helps.”
“Then?”
“Honestly?” Lila closes her eyes and breathes in deep. “I think they’re worried about you. You’ve been a subject of our conversations before practice for the past two weeks.”
“Nothing wrong with talking to them about everything that’s going on.” She turns her attention to the television. “Are they worried about you?”
Her breath stalls. She hadn’t considered that could be part of the issue. Maybe they are. “I don’t know.”
“You know, if the coach seems nervous, they’re going to
sense it.” Carol squeezes, and Lila can’t help but make eye contact. “You’re allowed to be nervous.”
“I’m not nervous about coaching. I mean, I know what I’m doing. I can handle it. I think. At least, I want to be able to handle it.”
“Then?”
The emotion she has been holding back is pushing up her throat. The ache is almost too much to handle, and she has to stand and pull away.
“Lila, honey, talk to me. Please.”
“What if you die?” Lila spits the words out, and tears start to fall, followed by a sob. She covers her mouth with both hands. She is so disappointed in herself. She’s been so good until this very second. And now the emotions are flowing, and she has no idea how to stop them. The best thing about Carol is how she always lets Lila figure herself out. Whether she’s crying or mad or hormonal. Whatever the case, Carol lets her have a breakdown before swooping in to console her.
This is no different. Lila is thankful for the space because she knows that if given a tiny push in either direction, she’ll break even harder. There’s no way that holding this in for so long was a good idea. She knew she’d stumble, but she had no idea how hard she’d fall. After pulling deep breaths in through her stuffy nose and pushing them out through her mouth, she thinks maybe she’s ready to calm down. She takes a seat on the loveseat. Carol caresses her back with the same familiar easiness she’s always had.
Lila wipes at her eyes, her nose. She lets a chuckle escape and then coughs. “I’m sorry,” she says softly. “I don’t know what came over me.”
“You need to start your period, I’m sure.” Carol smiles. “I’ve seen that display before.”
Lila laughs again. “Gee, thanks.”
“Do you want to talk about what you said?”
She shakes her head. “Not really.”
“I think we should.” Carol rests both hands in her lap before she leans her head back. The entire conversation has clearly worn her out, and it makes Lila feel so selfish. She needs to keep her emotions out of this house if for no other reason than to help Carol remain strong.