“Hey.”
“Hey.” I braced myself to face him. When I did, I realized that I hadn’t prepared myself enough. I swallowed as he looked at me with a wariness I’d never seen on his face.
“I’ve been calling.”
“I know.”
“I’ve texted.”
“I know.”
“I miss you.”
That one broke me. I swallowed again. “I’m mad at you.”
“I know, and I’m sorry. I’m so terribly sorry.” He reached for me. I pulled away, taking a step back.
“I’m not… I don’t think I’m ready for this.” I closed my eyes briefly. When I opened them again, he was just staring at me, the timidity turning to sadness.
“Because I have a son.” He swallowed. I nodded.
“I’m so sorry.”
“You don’t have to apologize to me.” He let out a laugh, raking his fingers through his curls. I wished so much that things were different so I could touch him. “I should have told you.”
“You didn’t think we were serious.”
“Not in the beginning, but then…” He turned his face and stared off into the distance, the trees and land he could get lost in so easily.
“Then what?” I stepped forward.
“Then something happened. Something clicked.” He shook his head, smiling over at me.
“Maybe it was too late when it happened. Perhaps I should have seen it sooner.” He blinked, looking away again. “I guess it doesn’t matter under the circumstances.”
“I guess not,” I whispered. My chest hurt as if my heart were hanging on by a string.
“Would things be different if I had told you?”
I bit my lip, shaking my head. “I don’t think so.”
“You’re just not ready,” he said with a nod as if understanding. “I wasn’t either. I still don’t know that I am. Parenthood is a funny thing.”
“But he’s yours, so you handle it.”
“Exactly.”
“I wish I wasn’t so immature,” I said over the knot in my throat.
“You’re not immature, Pilar.” He reached for me again. This time, I let him hold my hand in his even though his touch made me feel like I might break. “Not everyone is ready for this kind of commitment.”
“I wish I was though.”
“So do I.” He squeezed my hand. “We had a good run though, yeah?”
“A very good run.” There was no use trying to stop the tears from flowing down my face now. “I guess it was always supposed to come to an end.”
“Maybe.” He was trying to be empathetic, but I could tell he was just agreeing with me for the sake of agreeing. I cried harder, hating that I knew that about him. Instead of letting go of my hand, he pulled me into his arms and held me, setting his chin on my head and exhaling.
“Maybe another time will be the right time.”
“Maybe.” I sniffled against him, my heart breaking more as I spoke my next words. “Or maybe you’ll find someone who’s not scared of this kind of commitment and get married and forget about me.”
His chuckle vibrated through me. “There’s no chance I’ll ever forget about you, Princess.”
“I’ll never forget you either.” I pulled away, wiped my face, and took a deep breath as I looked into his deep hazel eyes, trying to memorize the moment.
Chapter Thirty
Ben had sent me flowers along with an apology letter when he found out that Kayla was responsible for slashing my tires. I heard he sent Aramis a ridiculously expensive bottle of scotch. I could only imagine how horrified he felt about the entire thing, even though it was not his fault.
It had been one week since I’d seen or heard from Ben, and I didn’t know what to do with myself. It wasn’t just sadness, it was despondence. I’d had a boyfriend for years before Ben, and I didn’t feel this way when we broke up. These days, I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest. It took me three days to continue business as usual. I went to London with my mother and was currently helping Adeline put together a dinner party for Parliament.
“You realize you can hire someone to do this, right?” I asked for the third time since making our way around the flower shop.
“Obviously, Pilar. My mother owns an event planning business. I just want to make sure my vision is executed correctly.”
“And you don’t trust your mother to do that?”
She shot me a look. “I didn’t say that.”
“You sort of did.”
“Just…look for bronze containers, for the love of God. And stop snapping at me.”
“I’m not snapping at you.” I frowned.
“You’ve been snappy all week. I understand you’re going through a breakup, but it’s a lot for all of us to handle.”
“It’s not…it’s not technically a breakup.”
“It’s a breakup.” She eyed me up and down. I looked down at myself.
“What?”
“You’re basically wearing pajamas out in the streets. I’m embarrassed.”
“Embarrassed?” I gasped. “These are designer.”
“Designer or not, they’re still pajamas.”
“You act like I’m wearing Crocs.”
“God, please save us.” She covered her face with her hand.
“I was barely with him, you know,” I said finally. “I was with my ex much longer.”
“I know.”
“This feels like a slow death.”
“Because you’re in love with him.”
I bit my lip. I’d come to that conclusion myself recently, but hearing it from someone else’s lips made it real. I focused on finding the bronze vases and thought about that the rest of the time. Was love enough? Would love help me overcome the fear I had of not being enough for his son? I shook my head. I couldn’t.
“Hey, P. I know this is bad timing and all, but there really isn’t good timing for this,” Adeline said as she crouched down to get a vase. She glanced up at me. “I’m pregnant.”
“What?” The vases in my hand shook. “What?” I repeated.
“I’m pregnant.” She stood up, smiling.
“Does my brother know?”
“He was there when I peed on the stick. Of course, he knows.” She laughed. “But I figured you should get over your thing with kids soon. Say within the next seven months. Because, well, you’re going to be an aunt.”
I could only stare at her with my mouth ajar. Adeline pinched my cheek and kept shopping, leaving me standing there frozen. When my thoughts were no longer jumbled, I walked after her.
“Does Aramis know?”
“Not yet. I think Eli’s telling him today.”
“Do you know what you’re having?” Suddenly I was smiling and excited. “Is it a girl?”
“We don’t know yet.” Adeline smiled wide. “Whatever it is, it’ll be loved.”
“Yes.” I blinked. “It’ll definitely be loved.”
* * * *
I was just leaving the primary school I’d done today’s rounds in when I spotted him—head full of curls, bright green eyes, and a smile that promised trouble. A pint-sized version of his daddy, but definitely his father’s son. Amir and I shared a look, and I didn’t have to tell him where my feet would lead me next. It wasn’t like I’d planned this. I hadn’t even known this was his school.
“Hey,” I said to the boy.
“Hey.” His eyes narrowed slightly. “You’re my daddy’s princess.”
I let out what sounded like a strangled laugh. “I’m a princess, yes.”
“Hmm.” His lips moved when he made that sound, and a small dimple appeared. “Are you the reason he’s sad?”
“What do you mean?”
“My dad. He’s sad. I tried to give him ice cream but even that didn’t cheer him up. I asked him if he still liked the princess and he looked even sadder.” The boy pouted.
“I’m sorry he’s sad,” I whispered, kneeling down to eye level with him. �
��I bet he’ll be happy soon.”
“Not even my hugs are working.” He shook his head. “And he says my hugs heal everything.”
“I’m sorry.”
“What’s a princess doing in our school anyway?”
“Spending time with kids.”
“Princesses like kids?” His brows rose.
“I guess they do.”
“Kids like princesses.” He smiled, the one that looked identical to his father’s and made my heart melt.
“Do they?”
“I do.”
“You do?” I felt myself smile wider. “Because they wait for their prince to rescue them?”
“Nah.” He shook his head. “Daddy says princesses don’t need saving.”
“He said that?”
“He says they’re the ones who do the saving.”
“Really?”
“Yup.” He frowned. “Do you think he’s right?”
“I’m not sure.” I sighed, repositioning myself so I was more comfortable. “What’s your name?”
“Asher. Asher Drake,” he announced proudly.
“I’m Pilar.” I extended my hand to him. He took it in his small grip and bowed before kissing the backs of my fingers. I laughed.
“That was very official.”
“I know. I saw it in a movie.”
“You may just be my new favorite kid, Asher Drake.”
“Does that mean I can be a knight?”
“Definitely.”
“Will you knight me?” His eyes widened.
“Only the king can knight you.” I winked. “It’s a good thing I know him.”
“Ash.” The voice came from a woman, and we both turned in that direction. His mother. I stood quickly and patted his curls.
“It was great to speak to you, Asher.”
“You too, Princess.”
I felt a tiny rip in my heart then swallowed back the emotion that threatened to overwhelm me.
“I’m sorry. I was in the school and—” I began to apologize to his mother for speaking to her son, but she put a hand up and dismissed the apology.
“I’m glad you’re here.”
“Oh.”
“It’s not like I could exactly get ahold of you.” She smiled. “And normally I wouldn’t want to, but I know Ben, and I’ve never seen him this distraught.”
“I’m sorry to hear that.” I bit my lip.
“He told me it was because of this.” She turned her head slightly toward Asher.
“It’s not just this. It’s not this at all actually.” I smiled sadly. “It’s me. I’m the problem.”
“Because you don’t think you’re ready for this.”
“I’m not.”
“No one is. I mean, I don’t think I am most days.”
“That’s what Ben said.”
“He’s not wrong,” she said. “And my boyfriend, Jack, it’s all new to him too, but he’s trying, and he’s doing so great.” She paused, exhaling. “Anyway, I’m speaking out of turn, and I don’t know your full story or issue. But I just want you to know that we’re here for you. If you love Ben half as much as he loves you, we’re all here for you.”
The tears came then, even though I batted them away quickly. “He loves me?”
“He does.”
“He said that?”
“He didn’t have to.” She smiled. “When you know, you know.”
I licked my lips, nodding. “Thank you for this…”
“Tamara.” She laughed. “I should have started with that. My name’s Tamara.”
“Thank you, Tamara. Truly.” I looked at Asher again, who was now talking to the little boy beside him. “You’ve done an exceptional job with him.”
“Thank you.” She smiled and reached for her son’s hand. “I hope to see you around.”
I smiled but didn’t say anything. I wasn’t sure what I could say. I’d dismissed Ben and his feelings for me because I wasn’t sure I was ready to assume a role in his child’s life. Because I wasn’t sure that I was prepared for that. I didn’t know how to even speak to a child most of the time. I hadn’t thought about Ben’s feelings toward me or mine toward him. I hadn’t thought about all of the extra stuff I’d be throwing away when I said goodbye to him. I hadn’t taken into account the hollow feeling in my chest or how every single day would be consumed by thoughts of him. And I sure didn’t know how to fix it now. But maybe it was time for me to step out of my comfort zone and try.
Chapter Thirty-One
Ben
The last thing I wanted to do was go out there and play a match, but I knew I had to. Between the Kayla thing weighing heavily on me, because I felt responsible for her being anywhere near Pilar in the first place, and letting go of Pilar, things were just not looking great for me. Football was my job though, and the show had to go on after Pilar. I’d only missed one game my entire career, and that was after my brother died.
“You’ve got this.” David handed me my water bottle.
“I know.” I nodded.
Even if I didn’t have this, I would fake it until I made it. Sometimes it took that to get going, to get in the zone.
“Drake!” The voice came from behind me.
I turned around to see Warren Silva walking up. Now I definitely had to do my best out there. Silva was my idol, my mentor when I came into the league, and one of the best footballers to grace the pitch. I said hello to him, gave him a quick hug and dap.
“I didn’t know you’d be here today.”
“Camila wanted to take a trip to Paris, so here we are.” He grinned.
“How’s the baby?”
“Ah, you know how it is. He’s hanging in there. We brought Camila’s mom along with us to watch him while we do adult things.”
“It’s nice that you have that.”
“It is. How are your parents?”
“They’re great.”
“Still in Israel?”
“Yeah, I’m trying to get them out here, but they keep saying they can’t live away from the water.”
“Ah, I bet it would be nice for them to be near Asher though.”
“Well, they’ll be here in a few weeks. Maybe if you’re still here you can come over and help me convince them.”
“I’d like that. We can smoke a cigar like old times.” Warren chuckled. “Are they going to meet the princess when they’re here, or is that old news?”
“I’m glad you’re still reading tabloids.” I was half-amused by this.
“You know I don’t, but the monarchy is inescapable, even in the US.”
“Well, no, they won’t be meeting her. That’s done.”
“Damn, I thought maybe she’d be the one. You looked happy in the photos. Actually smiling for a change.”
“I was. Happy, I mean.” I felt myself smile now. As heartbreaking as the whole situation was, I was still grateful I’d had it. I just wished it didn’t hurt so much to think about her now.
“I’m sorry it’s over then.” Warren looked like he wanted to ask questions but looked up and noticed the team was getting ready to run into the field, everyone standing by the kid they’d been assigned. He patted my back. “Good luck out there today, bro. Let’s catch up after the game.”
I ran over to the kid waiting for me and noticed I’d gotten a female this time. An adorable little girl who must have been around five years old, with big, brown eyes and long, brown hair. She almost looked like Pilar. This was definitely the universe’s way of kicking my ass. She had a piece of paper in her free hand. A lot of the kids had brought things for us to sign. They were supposed to leave them behind, but we had no time for that, so I pretended I didn’t see the paper. We walked onto the field, and the crowd roared. It was our first home game, and everyone was excited about it. Adrenaline soared through me, and I found myself vibrating along with their cheers. The little girl tugged my hand. I looked down and smiled at her, but she was handing me the paper.
“I can’t sign it right now,
sweetheart.”
“It’s not for you to sign. It’s from the princess.”
My heart stopped beating. I plucked the paper from her hand, let go of the other hand, and opened it up to see Pilar’s handwriting staring back at me.
I can’t say everything I want to say here, but I can say I’m sorry. I’ll see you after the game. Love, Your Number 1 Fan, Pilar.
Could it be? She’d changed her mind? I read it again surrounded by the roaring crowd and felt myself nearly smile, but not quite. I knew Pilar wouldn’t give this to me right before a big game if she didn’t mean it, but her apology didn’t mean she was taking me back. I looked out into the stands and suites where she’d most likely be, the smile intact on my face. Finally, I looked back at the little girl.
“She was at my school the other day. She’s nice.” She smiled too. “But I’m sorry to tell you, you’re not a prince.”
“I’m not.” I chuckled.
“She says she doesn’t need a prince.”
“I bet she did.”
“She said she needs a cute footballer.” The little girl brought a hand up to cover her giggle right before she ran after the rest of the kids.
I couldn’t help but laugh. I took the note in my hand and placed it in the tiny pocket inside the elastic of my shorts. I hoped the writing would still be legible after the game because I wanted to keep this forever.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Pilar
I waited outside. I didn’t even know what to expect. I’d seen him smiling before the game as he read the note. I’d seen his gaze scanning the crowd as if he might find me in the sea of blue fans. I thought maybe if I tried hard enough, I could tell him where I was sitting, maybe connect our minds for the moment. Obviously, that didn’t happen. This wasn’t a romance movie. It was real life. And often, real love stories didn’t play out the way we wanted them to. Sometimes there was no forgiveness or redemption. Sometimes there were only words of goodbye and other times, no closure at all.
I wasn’t deluding myself into thinking he’d take me back just like that. It had only been a week and a half since we’d last seen each other. And sure, that time had been brutal, but maybe he’d realized that this wasn’t worth it while we were apart. With me, he’d be in the public eye. Asher would be in the public eye now and would no longer have the anonymity he obviously craved, so I fully understood if he walked out here and told me to leave.
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