by Zoe York
“It’s more than just school and a career change?”
No, it wouldn’t be. She just wasn’t cut out for that lifestyle. She couldn’t be anything but the good girl, no matter how much she tried. Being trouble for Paul was as far as her bad girl career would ever extend. “That was the idea.”
Audrey didn’t say anything for a while, and Karen rolled over to check if her sister had fallen asleep. Instead, she was frowning up at the ceiling. “Do you think I’m a slut?”
“Because of Mitchell? God, no.”
“But you never did anything like that…”
“Because I’m a different person than you. My choices aren’t better or worse, they’re just…well, they’re not even really choices. It’s just how I am. And…” Audrey had confided in her. This secret would be safe, but it still pushed her outside her comfort zone to share it. “I’ve been a little slutty myself, lately.”
“I thought you said a fling was a bad idea?”
“It is. You might accidentally fall in love.” That ache returned, spreading now from her chest to unsettle her stomach. How was she going to deal with that? As if on cue, her phone rang. Still too early for Davis to have landed. With a twisted combination of anticipation and fear, she glanced at the display screen. Paul’s name glowed, his number searing itself into her vision.
“That him?”
“Yeah.”
“Why aren’t you answering?”
“I don’t know.”
He thought about calling again before his shift started, but it was early.
He hadn’t slept well, rousing frequently to check his phone and wonder why she hadn’t called. He knew that caring was a dangerous path to go down, but he’d made that choice a long time ago. It had just been pushed into overdrive yesterday, when his protective instincts kicked in. And throughout the night, not once had he thought it was a mistake to worry about Karen. To want to make her problems better, and be there for her to vent when he couldn’t actually be the remedy himself. Even when he’d realized she wasn’t going to call him back, that she didn’t need him to be all of that for her, it didn’t register as a problem.
But now in the light of day, he knew he’d find a way to sabotage himself. Any minute now, that autopilot would shut off and the fear that had permanent residence in his neocortex would take over.
He’d done some things he wasn’t proud of after his divorce. Regrettable one night stands, blown commitments with Susan and work, a few painful nights of trying to reclaim a youth he’d never had in the first place, and worst of all, he missed the better part of four years of Megan’s life while he was stuck at the point of being left and knowing it had been his fault. It took him too damn long to shake off the fog of self-recrimination. He’d been around, but barely, and he didn't blame Susan for calling him on that bullshit.
But her doubt that he could turn it around, even as he did, took hold in his brain, and now the only lingering effect of his divorce and the aftermath was a hobbling sense that he would never be good enough. That he would inevitably fuck up any good that came into his life.
And Karen was good. Pure goodness, and he didn’t deserve her.
She definitely deserved better than him, so it was too bad that he’d gone and fallen in love with her.
Jesus. That had been easier to admit yesterday, with the adrenaline rush of needing to take care of her. Now his stomach pitched wildly while a small, ugly voice inside warned he would break her heart and incur the wrath of a small but mighty town.
But there was no way he was letting her go. He had no idea how he’d voiced a suggestion that she hold off for a better man. Fuck that shit. The thought of Karen winding her long, gorgeous limbs around someone else had him seeing red.
There was only one thing to be done about that. He picked up his phone and dialed the familiar number. “I’m sorry for calling so early. I need to ask another favour.”
“Who are you, and what have you done with Paul Reynolds?” Susan’s voice was still sleepy, and the sarcasm was gentle, but it was still there.
“Sus—”
“I’m sorry. Of course, what do you need at…quarter after six in the morning?”
He should have waited until a more reasonable hour. “I need to talk to Megan. Not now, I mean—I’m going to work in a few minutes. But can she stay up a bit late tonight? I could probably be in the city by eight. I can talk to her at your house, if you’d rather.”
“Is this about Karen?”
Tension coiled tight around his spine and up his neck. “Yes, is that a problem?”
“God, no.” His ex sighed, and an awkward silence stretched between them. “I’m not sure what to say to reassure you that I’m not going to use a relationship against you. Have I not been supportive so far?”
She had. She’d actually been way more understanding than she needed to be. “I really appreciate you organizing those tickets for her yesterday.”
“Then what’s the problem?”
“Maybe there’s too much history between us.”
“But it’s just that, history. The last couple of years have been good.”
“Then why did it take so long to settle the custody challenge?” The question came out before he could censor himself. He winced and closed his eyes, but she surprised him.
“I owe you an apology for that. I was angry and at the end of my rope, but you pulled your act together a lot faster than I gave you credit for. Faster than maybe you’ve given yourself credit, too.” Susan gentled her voice again. “Anyone else in your shoes would have lashed out at me. I know I pissed you off, but you handled it well. Maybe too well. You gotta stop beating yourself up for what happened after the divorce.”
“I was a dick to you, and a terrible father to Megan.” And he still hadn’t forgiven himself.
“Was being the operative word. You’re as good an ex-husband as a woman could ask for, and I don’t need to tell you you’re a good father. Right? I don’t need to?”
“Right. But…” Admitting this to Susan instead of Karen felt like a bit of a betrayal, but it was probably the last confidence he’d ever share with his ex-wife, and she had a unique insight. “Can I juggle being a good father and a good boyfriend at the same time?”
Susan laughed, starting with a snort, then a single hoot, and when he protested, she dissolved into hysterics. It took her a solid minute to compose herself, and then it was only to tell him he was an idiot before laughing again. “You’re a thirty-seven-year-old man, Paul. You were a police detective for five years, and you’ve spent, what, fifteen years total critically observing human behaviour? How many people do you know who aren’t capable of managing adult relationships?”
When she said it like that… “Okay, I’m an idiot.”
“That’s okay, you’re someone else’s idiot now.”
“Gee, thanks.”
“No problem.” She glibly shifted subjects back to the original question. “You can come over tonight. You can stay, or take Meg out, whatever you’d rather.”
After hanging up, he headed to work, knowing that he’d need to do something routine all day. His mind was going to be occupied with how to handle two very important conversations.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Karen woke up early, before Audrey, and was about to put on a pot of coffee in the kitchenette when a knock sounded at the door.
She would have been happy to see her baby brother anyway, but as he carried a tray of steaming lattes, she actually cheered. Her father followed Davis into their room, declaring it was time for a family meeting.
Chase would be staying in St. Louis for at least a week, probably a couple, until the rehab team was confident he could continue recuperating at home. By home, Chase meant Wardham. He wouldn’t need to return to Phoenix until the end of the summer anyway, even if he would be playing next year, which was pretty unlikely, but an undercurrent of something else was laced through the instruction. Davis knew more than he was letting on, but once aga
in, it seemed like a conversation maybe not to have in front of their father.
When Audrey paused the meeting so she could drink her coffee and wake up, and Hank called the hospital to check in with Grace, Karen finally sent Paul a brief text message. Sorry, swamped here, but everything is okay. Or will be. Should be home in a few days.
By the time they had a plan ironed out—Karen and Audrey would drive the RV back, and their parents would stick around for a bit longer, then travel either with Chase or just in advance of him—Paul had sent a short and sweet response, telling her to call any time. Reading between the lines, she guessed he was busy, and took the weenie way out by calling him right then, knowing he wouldn’t be able to talk long.
Hearing his voice was a punch in the gut. How was she going to leave him? It had only been a day, and she already ached to feel his warm skin beneath her fingers. Rest her head on his shoulder and breathe in his scent. He’d know without prompting that she’d want to talk, or not, and how was she going to live without all of that for a year?
Forever, really. Because what were the chances that his life would pause while she was away?
Too quickly, he had to end the call, and she was left holding her phone, alone in a hotel room in St. Louis, wishing so much could be different.
The next two days flew by, and before she knew it, Karen was riding shotgun as her twenty-one-year-old sister steered their parents’ RV northwest on the I-70. She’d offer to give Audrey a break in Indianapolis, but she doubted her sister would relinquish control—of the vehicle, or the tunes. Karen would usually listen to country, but she had to admit, Audrey’s old school hip hop mix provided the perfect road trip soundtrack.
As they bounced along to Salt n Pepa, Karen shook off her worry about her parents and brother, because they were going to be fine—probably grumpy as all get out by the end of this, but given the extent of his injuries, that Chase was going to walk again was a miracle. Now she had to return to real life.
Her heart skipped a bit at the thought of returning to Paul, as well, but that thrill was neatly coupled to worry and doubt now, after a few days of missed calls, short conversations and brief texts. Her guilt at avoiding the necessary conversation was probably feeding into her fear, but she was starting to think that Paul was doing the exact same thing.
But Paul wasn’t the sum total of her life in Wardham. Or beyond—she needed to make a decision about which school, and soon. And her first task as soon as they were back home would be interviewing some of the interested tenants for her house, then figuring out what she’d move with her and what she’d need to put into storage.
She pulled out her tablet and made a to-do list. Satisfied for the interim, she flipped over to her e-book reader app and sank into the latest Wings of Woden tome. Before she knew it, she’d reached the end of the dragon’s journey home, and when she looked up, they were at the halfway point in their own journey.
After four hours of driving, Audrey was content to switch spots, even if it meant the soundtrack shifted to Luke Bryan and Little Big Town. By the time they crossed the border, with ease thanks to Hanks’ careful organization of the RV’s documentation, they were both sick of driving and music of all stripes. The last few minutes of their drive were spent in solemn quiet. Audrey seemed reluctant to head to her dorm, so Karen suggested she come home to Wardham for the night and she could drive her back the next morning for class.
“You don’t want to see Paul tonight?”
“If he’s home, I probably will. If he’s not…” If he wasn’t, her sister’s unexpectedly understanding company would be appreciated. Karen sighed.
“If he’s not, we’ll eat ice cream and watch Sixteen Candles.”
“I don’t think I own that.”
Audrey snorted and rolled her eyes. “Hello? Age of the internet? Don’t you have Netflix?”
“No, but I’m guessing I will by the end of the night.”
“Damn straight.”
Normally there was no overnight parking in Wardham, but Karen figured no one would ticket Chase Miller’s parents’ RV, which there was no doubt this was, with the Proud Coyote Parents bumper stickers and custom stick figure decals. Davis and Audrey’s caricatures were playing volleyball, Karen was reading a book, and Chase wore his jersey. Somehow it wasn’t nearly as awful as it sounded. It was mostly wonderful, and any residual embarrassment faded when she thought of how earnestly her family supported each other the last few days. Always, actually. And she’d resisted that all-consuming love.
Because she didn’t deserve it.
“Kar? We gonna go inside?”
She blinked and drew in a shaky breath. They were sitting at the curb in front of her house. She nodded, and after giving her a strange look, Audrey climbed out of the RV, groaning as she stretched her legs. Karen followed, feeling similarly achy, but glad to be home.
Paul’s house was dark, but her front porch light was on. Had she done that when she left?
Inside, they found a note from Carrie letting them know the milk in the fridge was fresh—so Karen made hot chocolate to go with the basket of muffins her best friend had left as well.
She didn’t resist Carrie’s love. Or Evie’s.
What made her family different?
What made Paul different?
“You’ve drifted again, Kar.” Audrey took the tray Karen had set on the counter, loaded up the steaming mugs and plate of muffins, and led the way into the living room. “I’ve hooked my laptop up to your computer, so we’ll use my Netflix account for now, but after tonight you’ll want to set up your own, I’m sure.”
Karen settled on the couch, nodding whenever Audrey looked over for confirmation that she was following the instructions. She totally wasn’t, of course. “Hey,” she interrupted. “We should text Davis and let him know we got home safely.”
“Already done, and he responded, even though he isn’t supposed to have his phone on at the hospital. He’s kicking Chase’s ass at cards, apparently.”
“Not fair, picking on the invalid.”
“Like you wouldn’t do the same thing.”
“True story. I guess we’ll have our turn when he comes home. Speaking of which…he’s going to have to stay in the main house, no way he can get up the stairs to the loft.” Their parents lived on a few acres just outside of town, on the lake. A few years earlier, when Chase got serious enough with a girlfriend to bring her home for a week, he had a contractor renovate what they affectionately called The Barn, but was really a glorified utility shed with an upper level. Now that loft was insulated for year-round comfort, had a nicer master bathroom than the main house, and was Chase’s home while in Wardham. Close enough that he could eat his mother’s food, but still have privacy.
“Yeesh. Even our momma’s boy is going to find that chafes a bit.” Audrey laughed at Karen’s shocked expression. “What? He totally is.”
“I thought I was the only one who saw that.” She took a sip of hot chocolate. “It’s probably because he left home so young.”
“I don’t remember.” Audrey had just been a preschooler when Chase was first drafted into junior league hockey and moved across the province.
“It wasn’t a big deal, Mom and Dad were so supportive. Davis got his own room, I didn’t have to share the car on weekends. I don’t mean it like it’s a bad thing…just a thing.”
“I always thought it was strange that he didn’t mind them following him around in their RV.”
Karen snorted, then sputtered as hot chocolate went up her nose. “Aren’t you snarky tonight, eh?”
“Maybe it’s a coping strategy.”
“No, I think it’s who you are.” She grinned at her little sister. “I like it.”
“Ha. Good. Movie time?”
Karen nodded, but a knock at the back door caused her to pause that thought. “Hang on.”
“If it’s Paul, I’m starting without you,” Audrey shouted as Karen moved down the hall.
It was.
/> Her heart leapt into her throat.
She stepped out onto the deck and tugged the door shut behind her. Dusk had faded to dark, but the night was alive with chirping crickets and fragrant flowers. Despite the warm summer air, she shivered as the man she’d had on her mind for far too long stepped closer.
“Hey. You’re back.” His gaze swept over her face, warm and interested, and a sweet tingle started at the base of her neck.
“I am.” She smiled. “And you’re home.”
“I am. With Megan.” He nodded to a light on the second floor of his house. “Do you want to come over and hang out with us?”
“I would—I do—but my sister’s here tonight. We’re going to watch a movie. Do you guys want to join us?” Audrey wouldn’t mind. She’d probably ask leading and slightly inappropriate questions, but she’d toe the line in front of Megan.
“What movie?”
She laughed. “Sixteen Candles.”
He grinned, then reached up and laced his fingers into her hair, gently cupping the back of her neck at the same time. “Maybe we should do our own things tonight…but can you spare a few minutes now?”
Her breasts grew heavy at the thought of what Paul could do in a few minutes under the cover of darkness. As if he sensed her nipples tightening on demand, he closed the final gap between them, brushing her waist with his other palm, then the side swell of her breast. Could he feel her heart pounding?
“I’ve missed you, Karen.” He brushed his lips across hers. “I’m sorry we haven’t had more of a chance to talk.”
“It’s okay,” she whispered. “It’s just nice to see you now.”
“Nice isn’t how I would describe it,” he growled, kissing her again, this time with less restraint and more honest hunger. “God, your mouth.”
“Yeah?”
“Oh, yeah.” The third kiss lingered on her lips, leaving behind a promise that she had no doubt he’d follow through on. Whatever happened at the end of the summer, there was going to be more of that before they were done.