I turned my attention back to Nathan delighted. I was about to launch into my usual, highly inflated spiel when something stopped me. It was the look on Nathan’s face: so trusting and eager. It reminded me of Patrick and all the lies I had told him. Maybe it was because I was a bit drunk, but I did something uncharacteristic. I told Nathan the sad, unvarnished truth. ‘Yeah, it’s true, I was in a TV show, but that was back in 2003. These days I’m actually better known on TV as the versatile sensation.’
Nathan looked extremely startled, so I seized him by the arm and pulled him towards the kitchen. ‘Here I’ll show you,’ I said laughing.
Earlier, Strauss had upstaged my plans for a high-class party by turning up with an hors d’oeurvre that he had concocted using cans of Tommy. He insisted on circulating amongst the guests with his tray of Bruschetta à la Tommy in one hand and a can of Tommy in the other. To my surprise, his toasties tasted remarkably good and proved popular. His platter was empty within five minutes. Both Eleanor and Harriet clamoured for the recipe. ‘They should print it on the can,’ Eleanor declared.
‘They should,’ Strauss replied, winking at me. ‘The versatile sensation is always very popular at a party.’
‘That was certainly the case at Stephen’s last soirée,’ Damon chimed in unhelpfully.
I hastily bustled Strauss away from Damon into the kitchen, suggesting he whip up another batch. He declined – there was French champagne to be drunk – which meant his can of Tommy was still sitting there, hours later, on my kitchen bench. I picked it up and displayed it for Nathan. ‘These days I’m the face of Tommy, so yes, I’m still on TV, but it’s a bit of a comedown.’
Nathan looked amazed. ‘That’s you?’
I nodded.
‘But me and my flatmates cook with this stuff all the time. Pizzas, pasta. It’s really quick but it’s good too.’
I was sceptical. Was Nathan trying to bullshit me, Stephen Spear, the queen of preposterous spin? But his delivery was so convincing, his expression so wide-eyed and guileless, I was charmed. Even if it wasn’t true, his intentions were pure and sweet. ‘Really?’ I replied. ‘So when are you going to invite me over for dinner?’
50 Ways of Saying Fabulous
Book 1
By Graeme Aitken
‘If I knew fifty ways of saying fabulous, I’d use them all to praise this charming first novel.’ EDMUND WHITE
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Sweet, fat, theatrical Billy-Boy was never cut out to be a farmer, but as his father’s only son he’s obliged to try. The cows are wayward and the chores are gruelling, but Billy finds escape in a fantasy world. A place where the turnip paddock becomes a lunar landscape, a lavender bed jacket a slinky space suit, a cow’s tail a head of beautiful blonde hair, and where Billy can become Judy Robinson, heroine of TV’s Lost in Space.
But in an isolated conservative farming community in 1970s New Zealand, not everyone approves of Billy’s transformation. On the brink of adolescence, Billy is beginning to discover that growing up is far more complicated and confusing than he could ever have imagined. While the mysteries of sex confound him, emotions are unleashed which urge Billy to betray those closest to him.
50 Ways of Saying Fabulous is a poignant and endearingly comic novel. Anyone who grew up in a small town, grew up feeling that they didn’t fit in, or simply grew up will find this book funny, touching and unforgettably evocative of childhood lost.
Praise for 50 Ways of Saying Fabulous:
‘I loved this funny sad tale of growing up a sissy in New Zealand. Graeme Aitken proves that even the most extraordinary events can occur to wonderfully ordinary people. If I knew fifty ways of saying fabulous, I’d use them all to praise this charming first novel.’ EDMUND WHITE
‘Thoroughly engaging.’ INDEPENDENT ON SUNDAY
‘A funny but also achingly sad first novel’. OBSERVER
‘A sort of gay Adrian Mole … There are laughs aplenty but also moments of agony … Told with bare faced honesty, it is a warm, cruel, funny tale.’ THE SUNDAY AGE
‘Touching and sad, 50 Ways of Saying Fabulous also has some very funny moments.’ THE TIMES
‘An entertainment, a gentle, poignant story of a fat boy who fantasises romance and glamour without yet having a name for what he is … Aitken writes with a distinctive voice, one that is wonderfully evocative.’ DENNIS ALTMAN, THE AGE
‘… an important work … What Aitken has demonstrated fabulously is his skill in the art of telling a good story … his honesty and fearlessness in confronting those squirmy adolescent secrets is to be admired.’ CANBERRA TIMES
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50 Ways of Saying Fabulous
Book 2
By Graeme Aitken
‘A funny but also achingly sad first novel.’ OBSERVER
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Billy-Boy has always loathed farm chores, until his father employs Jamie, a sexy farm worker, for the summer. Suddenly Billy has not just a work mate, but a buddy, who is cheerful and enthusiastic company. Being with Jamie completely eclipses the burden of the chores. They even become a pleasure. After all Jamie looks like David Cassidy and likes to work shirtless!
But Billy’s idyll with Jamie proves all too brief as other people intrude and interfere. Belinda Pepper, the most notorious girl in the entire district, utterly enthrals him with her wicked ways. Then Lou, Billy’s estranged cousin, discovers Jamie and goes all-out to win him away from Billy for herself.
But Billy is not the only one who feels lonely, jealous and frustrated…
With something illicit growing in an abandoned toilet, clandestine goings-on down at the old gaol, a bloody murder, and a theatrical finale with a dozen costume changes, Billy-Boy’s life is even more dramatic than his favourite TV show Lost in Space.
Praise for 50 Ways of Saying Fabulous:
‘ If I knew fifty ways of saying fabulous, I’d use them all to praise this charming first novel.’ EDMUND WHITE
‘It has the fast-running clarity of a good yarn, yet this is a fresh telling of the story of a gay awakening. Infinitely real … grotesque and funny and moving by turns.’ PETER WELLS
‘A wonderful cast of characters, lovingly drawn and lightened with the right dash of maliciousness … Aitken manages to make something extraordinary out of the ordinary … (and) shows so much skill and gives so much pleasure.’ CAMPAIGN
‘50 Ways of Saying Fabulous is an honest, funny and sometimes painful read. Confidently and convincingly written, it is a welcome addition to the gay coming of age genre; the collection of works in which we see ourselves reflected and refracted, and find fifty ways of saying “me”.’ MELBOURNE STAR OBSERVER
‘… one of the very best novels released this year. Witty, warm and original.’ CLEO
‘… a secret and magic story which is grotesque and infinitely funny … a zany book, highly entertaining, and with enough twists and turns to keep you glued to the end … 50 Ways is fabulous, whichever way you say it.’ BARFLY
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This short stand alone ebook by Graeme Aitken is also available
Top Mark
By Graeme Aitken
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Meet ‘the Marks’.
It was strange at first for Mark, dating a guy with the same first name as him. But ‘the Marks’ developed nicknames for each other. Mark became ‘Top Mark’, a sly nod to his role in the bedroom.
But after seven years together, Mark hasn’t had much opportunity to be on top lately. There have been a lot of conversations avoided, unexplained absences, and some very unsettling phone calls.
From the author of the very popular Sydney based ebook series The Indignities comes this new e-book short. In his trademark sexy style, Graeme Aitken explores the intricacies of a modern gay relationship with wit, insight and empathy.
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om your preferred ebook retailer.
Download Book One of The Indignities ebook series for free!
Time to Upsize
(The Indignities Book One)
By Graeme Aitken
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Upsize instantly to this witty, sexy and bestselling Australian series of e-books!
The Indignities Book One is available FOR FREE as a special introductory offer!
Turning thirty years old can be traumatic for young gay men who yearn to be boyish forever – but what can you do? It’s unavoidable. Or is it? Clever, conniving Stephen Spear thinks he can outsmart this particular milestone. After all, he’s managed to convince his sweet, passive boyfriend Blake that he’s been faithful to him for the past three years. Smoothing over and explaining away inconvenient realities is an absolute cinch for Stephen!
But when temptation moves right next-door in the form of Rick, a Sydney hunk with a legendary endowment, Stephen disregards any sense of caution. He’s too entranced and far too self-absorbed to realise that the seduction might not actually unfold in accordance with his master plan.
Stephen Spear, the anti-hero of the bestselling Australian novel Vanity Fierce, rides again in this outrageous sequel. Set ten years after Vanity Fierce, this new series of books can also be read as a self-contained storyline.
Praise for The Indignities from influential Australian mainstream media:
‘Aitken’s wit is wicked in every sense of that word, while his ability to address confronting issues in a deceptively sunny manner is admirable.’ (Australian Book Review)
‘The gay world has turned since Vanity Fierce, with the internet making its mark on social and sexual behaviour. Aitken has a keen sense of that, opening a window onto the lively confusions of gay culture.’ (The Age, Melbourne)
The newspaper of record for Sydney’s GLBT community urges readers to read The Indignities.
‘Aitken may have written the prequel to this book more than a decade ago, but don’t let that fool you into thinking The Indignities is a second-rate follow. Far from it. Aitken has has not only given character Stephen Spear a whole new audience, but also provided him with the depth of character readers of Vanity Fierce feared he may never find. A must read.’ (Sydney Star Observer)
Upsize today! This funny, sexy and very entertaining book is FREE!
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Have you read Book Two in The Indignities ebook series?
Private Party
(The Indignities Book Two)
By Graeme Aitken
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You’re invited to a very private party!
It’s an intimate affair, men only, with a dress code of get undressed! And who’s the host? Why, it’s Stephen Spear, who is certainly shaking things up now that he’s suddenly single.
Poor Stephen has discovered that the gay scene has changed – dramatically! The boys are a generation younger and he no longer commands the attention he once did. Besides, everyone is hooking up online. It’s a technology Stephen is completely clueless about – though apparently, his ex, Blake, was quite the authority!
As Stephen explores and experiments online, he becomes entangled with a very eloquent but elusive guy – whom he seems destined never to meet. Exasperated, Stephen cuts loose and inadvertently ends up hosting a party where the guests have no clothes – and no inhibitions whatsoever!
Praise for The Indignities from influential Australian mainstream media:
‘Graeme Aitken provides another provocative perspective on love and other catastrophes in Sydney’s gay male community. Aitken skillfully blends explicit sexual detail with fine observational humour.’ (Australian Book Review)
‘A witty and closely observed novel about the life and lust of Darlinghurst gay guy Stephen Spear. Stephen is an unlikeable, vain character, but there’s a good chance he’ll remind you of someone you know.’ (The Age, Melbourne)
‘Aitken’s writing style is detailed and nicely evocative. He writes characters extremely well, with both humor and poignancy. Aitken also knows how to deliver a satisfying ending.’ (Polari Journal)
This is a party like no other – sexy, amusing, entertaining, and with a truly unforgettable climax! Go on. Accept your invitation! Buy The Indignities #2 and join the party!
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Author’s Note
Me, Myself and Someone Else is the third book in the ebook series entitled The Indignities .
The other titles in the series are Time to Upsize (Book One) and Private Party (Book Two).
This series was originally published as one single volume entitled The Indignities by Clouds of Magellan Press (Melbourne, Australia, www.cloudsofmagellan.net ) in December 2010. The Indignities series is a sequel to the earlier novel Vanity Fierce (Random House Australia).
About the Author
Graeme Aitken is the author of three novels: 50 Ways of Saying Fabulous (1995), Vanity Fierce (1998), and its sequel The Indignities (2010). He also edited The Penguin Book of Gay Australian Writing (2002). His most recent work is an ebook short Top Mark (2012). 50 Ways of Saying Fabulous was adapted into a feature film by writer/director Stewart Main in New Zealand and had its international premiere at the Toronto International Film Festival in 2005. Graeme was born and raised on a remote farm in Central Otago, New Zealand. This upbringing provided the background for his first novel 50 Ways. Graeme has now lived in Sydney, Australia for almost thirty years. For much of that time, he has worked as the manager/buyer of a small specialist bookshop. This position has complemented his work as a writer. He has also reviewed books for several Australian gay newspapers and magazines over the years. Graeme has served as DNA Magazine’s chief book critic for more than fifteen years now, since their first issue.
You can contact Graeme via his website, sign up for his newsletter, or keep up-to-date on his activities via social media.
Website: http://graemeaitken.com/contact/
Twitter: https://twitter.com/_GraemeAitken
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/AitkenGraeme
Author Photo Credit: José Rincon Castro
Print and ebook titles by Graeme Aitken
50 Ways of Saying Fabulous (novel) – available in a two volume 20th anniversary edition ebook series (20Ten Books). The print edition can be obtained from The Bookshop Darlinghurst (see details below) or directly from the author.
Vanity Fierce (novel) – available as a printed book and ebook (Random House Australia, 1998).
The Indignities (novel) – available as a printed book (Clouds of Magellan, 2010) and a three part ebook series (20Ten Books, 2012). Note: this is a sequel to Vanity Fierce.
Top Mark (ebook short) (20Ten Books, 2012)
Also available 50 Ways of Saying Fabulous DVD, a 2005 feature film adaptation of the novel, written and directed by Stewart Main.
Ebooks by Graeme Aitken are available from major ebook retailers (Amazon, Apple iBooks, Google play, Kobo, Nook etc).
The best bookshop to obtain print editions of titles by Graeme Aitken or the 50 Ways of Saying Fabulous DVD is The Bookshop Darlinghurst, 207 Oxford St, Darlinghurst, Sydney, NSW 2010, Australia. They will mail order anywhere in the world.
Website – http://www.thebookshop.com.au/brands/Graeme-Aitken.html
Email – [email protected]
Praise for Graeme Aitken
50 Ways of Saying Fabulous (novel)
‘If I knew fifty ways of saying fabulous, I’d use them all to praise this charming first novel.’ Edmund White
‘A sort of gay Adrian Mole … There are laughs aplenty but also moments of agony … Told with bare-faced honesty, it is a warm, cruel, funny tale.’ The Sunday Age (London)
‘Touching and sad, 50 Ways of Saying Fabulous also has some very funny moments.’ The Times (London)
‘A gentle, poignant story of a fat boy who fantasises romance and gl
amour without yet having a name for what he is … Aitken writes with a distinctive voice, one that is wonderfully evocative.’ Dennis Altman, The Age (Melbourne)
Vanity Fierce (novel)
‘A deceptively engaging read; a thoroughly modern satire of urban ghetto lifestyles … peppered with characters both pungent and picaresque, it’s something of an antipodean Bildungsroman.’ Gay Times (London)
‘Required reading … Aitken’s depictions are real to the point of recognition. Light, funny, and a great holiday read.’ Time Out (London)
‘The evil yet somehow natural jealousy that one feels when scorned in love is captured with alarming accuracy … Vanity Fierce has the easy appeal of a soap opera, but the depth and wit one expects from a first class writer.’ QX Magazine (London)
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