by BL Mute
“What’s the occasion?”
He shakes his head, pouring water into our cups. “No occasion. Just thought it would be nice.”
I smile again. William has always been so thoughtful. He’s like the dad my dad can’t be bothered to be. I know if I need anything, he’s there. He’s sweet and pure—a hard contrast to my dad. Sometimes I wish the tables were turned. That it was William who brought me into this world instead of Alexander, but even though he didn’t, I’ve still had a great life with him. He’s been around as long as I can remember, and I’m thankful.
So fucking thankful for him.
I check the time on my phone, then lay it facedown on the counter. “I have zero complaints. I’m starving.”
For the next few hours, we eat and talk and joke, and I remember how easy it is to be around him. How relaxing it is. With William, I have no worries or bad emotions, and I love that, because finding someone you can trust is hard.
“Are you okay, Carmen?” he asks after a beat of silence.
I tip my head and take a sip from my glass. “Of course. Why wouldn’t I be?”
He studies me for a moment, then shakes his head before gathering all the dishes from the counter to put in the sink. “You’ve just been distant the last few months.”
I nod. I may trust William, but not enough to tell him a secret that isn’t mine. I mean, I can’t. Although I know he would never do anything to jeopardize me, he still has a strong moral compass, and something tells me murder isn’t something he could keep to himself.
“I’m fine. I guess I’m just going through some sort of midlife crisis. I graduated and still have no idea what I want to do with my life. Like, what am I supposed to do?” I give him the most honest answer I can. Something to hopefully curb his curiosity and not ask any more.
“You’re eighteen, Carmen. You’re not having a midlife crisis, but you do have options. Your dad…” He trails off like he’s sad to even bring it up. “You can work with him. It would set your future up to be thriving.”
I laugh. “No chance in hell. I’d rather get as far away as possible from him. You know he doesn’t even love me, William.”
He closes his eyes for a moment like he’s thinking. “He loves you in his own way.”
I want to combat his statement, but I can’t bring myself to do it. I know William sees what I see when it comes to my dad, but Alexander is his employer. He can’t speak ill or freely without risking his job. He’s the middleman just trying to keep the peace.
“Well, his way is a shit way.” I, on the other hand, have nothing to lose. “At least I got you.” I slip off the barstool and round the counter to wrap my arms around his waist.
He hugs me back and places a soft kiss on the top of my head. “That you do. And I’m always here for you, you know that, right?” He pulls away and stares into my eyes as he says it.
The intensity of his stare and the truthfulness of his words makes me feel guilty for keeping anything from him, but right now, it’s not about just me. This involves Lydia and Carter too. And I’ll be damned if I tell him how I cope. I know talking shit out may help some people, but for me, I’d rather deal with them alone. I have to. Because again, everyone just leaves in the end anyway, and I know William will be no exception. I’ll just enjoy his love while he’s here. No need to cloud the happy times with sadness or my own fucked-up feelings.
“I know.”
He squeezes my arm. “I’ll get this cleaned up. You go do whatever it is girls your age do on a Friday night.”
I laugh. “Movie night. I’ll be at Lydia’s if you need me.”
He nods. “Be careful.”
“I will,” I throw behind me as I exit. “Love you!”
“Love you too!”
Before I step out of my car at Lydia’s, I finally type Stallion’s number into my phone and send a text. I only waited because I didn’t want to seem desperate, but I want him—well, maybe just his dick. After the conversation with William, I feel the need to work out some of my emotions. I send a simple “hi” to see if he replies. Stuffing it in my back pocket, I slide out of my car and walk to Lydia’s door.
Her old house was almost medieval with vines wrapping around the outside of the brick, but this place is more modern with brown brick and white shutters. It isn’t as big either, but since her mom decided to get herself a penthouse apartment closer to the country club, and it’s only her and Carter, it doesn’t need to be.
I don’t bother knocking because she knows I’m coming. I step inside and close the door, then make my way to the living room. As soon as I see Carter’s white ass pounding into her, I regret my decision to not knock.
I clear my throat without looking away. “Excuse me.”
Carter glances over his shoulder with a smile as Lydia raises up on her elbows below him and shrieks. “Damn it, Carmen!” She pushes him off, sending him to the floor with a thud as she pulls her shirt down her chest and her pants up her legs.
“Fuck, babe. It’s not like she hasn’t seen us naked before,” Carter says from the floor.
She rolls her eyes and throws his shirt on his still-hard cock. “Put your clothes on.”
“Seriously? Not going to let me finish?” He sounds genuinely hurt, and it just makes me and Lydia laugh.
“You guys seriously have all the time in the world. Go rub one out in the bathroom if you need to, but I’d rather not watch your scrawny ass fuck my best friend.” I look at my nails, acting bored.
He scoffs and stands, pulling his pants up and slipping the T-shirt on. Once everything is in place, he walks over to me and pecks my cheek. “Don’t act like you don’t like it.”
You would think him being with Lydia would change how he acts toward me, but it doesn’t. He still fucks with me just because he knows it makes my skin crawl, and Lydia thinks it’s the funniest thing. And she knows no matter what he says, he’s not going anywhere. They share a deep, dark secret, but even more, they completely consume each other’s hearts. You can see it in their eyes when they look at each other.
The love. The lust. The pure, fucking, happiness.
I stick out my tongue and point to it with a gag. “I’d rather fuck myself with a serrated knife.”
He laughs and exits the room, then walks into the kitchen. When he’s out of earshot, I glance to Lydia and raise my brows.
She shrugs. “Sorry. I didn’t realize what time it was.”
I shake my head. “I can’t stand the two of you.”
She smiles sweetly before swaying toward me and throwing her arms around my neck. “You love us.”
When her arms fall, they push the hair I strategically placed around my neck out of the way. For a second, I don’t think she notices, but when her smile falls and she moves even more hair behind my shoulders, I know she sees it. “Carmen…” Her eyes widen with concern. “Who the fuck did that to you?”
I smile, and it’s genuine. Just the thought of Stallion and what he did to me is making me giddy. “A guy,” I start.
Regardless of my smile, her face never falters. “A guy? What the fuck!”
She grabs my wrist and drags me into the kitchen, where Carter leans against the counter, stuffing his face with chips. “Carter, look at her neck.”
She places her fingers at my chin and angles my head up, the same way Stallion did. “Lydia, it’s not a big deal, really.”
“Not a big deal?” Carter chimes. “The handprint around your throat begs to differ.”
“She said a guy did it,” Lydia adds, finally dropping her hand.
Suddenly, Carter’s face morphs. The permanent grin that’s always on his lips falls, and his eyes narrow. “A guy? Who?”
I step back, trying to put some space between us. The way they’re hovering over me is making me claustrophobic. “It’s not what you think—”
“Not what we think?” Lydia lets out a barking, sarcastic laugh.
“If you would shut the fuck up and let me finish!” I raise my
voice over hers. Finally, that gets her attention. “We were… You know.” I give them a knowing look, but they both stare at me like a deer in the headlights. Completely clueless. “Fucking. We were fucking.”
Carter looks at me, then at Lydia, then back at me before letting out a gut-busting laugh. “Oh fuck. I’m going to head upstairs. You guys clearly have some gossiping to do. Just don’t hype the dude’s cock up too much, Carmen. I need to keep my girl thinking I’m the best.” He winks.
Lydia slaps his shoulder playfully as he walks away, then turns back to me. “Why didn’t you just say that?”
“I tried. You wouldn’t shut up,” I deadpan.
Her smile falls slightly. “I’m sorry. I just assumed he hurt you.” I can see her mind wander to a different place. The one where Malcolm lives along with what he did to her.
I rub her arm. “Hey. Stop it. He didn’t, okay? I’m okay.”
She nods and shakes away the bad shit. “Well, who was it?”
I walk to the freezer and grab my ice cream before pulling a spoon from the drawer. “That’s the thing, I don’t know.”
She grabs the same bag of chips Carter was demolishing and follows me into the living room. “What do you mean you don’t know?”
I plop onto the couch, trying to not think about her and Carter just fucking on it moments ago. “Just that. I don’t know. The only thing I do know is he fucked me so good.” I squeeze my legs together and pop the lid off the ice cream container. “I’ve never felt so fucking… liberated.”
She sits next to me and pulls her legs under her. “He made you feel all of that and you don’t even have a name?”
“Nope. He told me to call him whatever I wanted, so I’ve just been calling him Stallion.”
“Stallion?” She scrunches her face.
I nod with a shrug. “That’s his name online.”
“Online? You met him online? Let me see!”
I laugh and slide the phone from my pocket and pull up his profile. It’s bare, just like the rest of them. Only a username, picture, and general location. No name. No age. Nothing.
“This is the only picture? You hooked up with a guy who has a dog as his profile picture?”
I snatch the phone from her and click the attachment in our messages. When his body pops up on the screen, I groan internally. I so badly want to touch him again. Feel him. Taste him.
I flash it in her direction. “Fucking hell,” she murmurs.
I nod. “That. That’s why I agreed to hook up.”
“Can’t blame you there.”
“And he paid me,” I add it as nonchalantly as possible, but of course, it doesn’t go over that smoothly.
“Paid you?”
I take a bite of my ice cream. “He’s kinky. Kind of. Like, I think there is more to him than wanting to choke me out, but because of that, he paid me. Maybe he thought I would say no if money wasn’t involved? I don’t know.” I leave out the chase. She doesn’t need to know that. For some reason, it seems more personal than the actual act of sex.
She shakes her head. “Carmen, money for sex… it’s—”
I cut her off, knowing exactly what she’s going to say. “This isn’t Malcolm, Lydia.” She cringes when I say his name. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to bring it up, but this isn’t the same. If someone wants to pay me to fuck them, then why not? Since I can’t get money from my dad, I’d be stupid to refuse. Especially when I enjoy it.”
I don’t go on to tell her how crazy sex helps me feel something other than sadness. Or how it makes me feel more wanted than I have in my entire life.
“I thought the same thing too, and look how it ended.”
I lean forward and set the container on the coffee table, then turn back to her. “You know, I never judged you or tried to make you feel bad when you told me what you were doing. I was expecting the same fucking respect, not you trying to be my mother.”
She pinches the bridge of her nose. “You’re right. I’m sorry. Just be careful, okay?”
I kick myself on the inside because I know that was harsh. She’s only worried, and I get that, but this is different. “No, I’m sorry. And you know I’m always careful.”
She nods and grabs the remote from the end table and flips on the TV, letting the conversation die.
After the commercial ends, the middle of Heartbreakers starts to play. It’s nothing but another reminder of that night, and I know she feels the same way. She hurries and flips to another channel, letting some Lifetime movie start up as we sit in silence.
I try to focus my mind on anything other than the bullshit that just happened, but my mind just won’t cooperate. Now I understand what it was like for Lydia. At least partially. Money for sex is too fucking hard to refuse. It’s like dangling a carrot in front of a rabbit and expecting them to turn away.
Do rabbits even eat carrots?
My phone buzzing in my hand pulls me back to the present, and my heart starts to skip beats. I unlock the screen, hoping I’ll see Stallion’s name, but I don’t. Disappointment immediately starts to seep into my veins, but it doesn’t last long when I see it’s a message from the dating app.
I open it and see a new message from a new person.
RetributionRebel – I want to see you.
Normally, I’d ignore it and move on, but what if I can get the same thing Stallion gave me, but from someone else? Money and all. The thought of literal prostitution has never crossed my mind, but I’m young and I’m pretty. Maybe I don’t even have to sleep with them if I don’t want to.
Something like in Heartbreakers, only instead of drawing out a scam and marrying some old fucker, I can just request money right off the bat. Like a sugar baby. I could solve my sexual issues with Stallion and my money issues with someone else. It could be a win-win.
I think about it for all of two seconds before I type out a reply and wait.
Spitfire – My time is valuable. I require compensation.
CHAPTER SIX
CARMEN
RetributionRebel – The Annalee. Tonight at 10PM.
I take it since he didn’t question my response, he agrees, so I finish the movie with Lydia, then tell her William called me home. After the words we exchanged earlier, I don’t want to tell her the truth. I don’t want to fight.
I step out of her front door, then make a beeline for my car. If I want this dude to take me seriously, I need to look the part. When I start my car, the clock on the screen says eight o’clock. I have exactly two hours to make it home, shower, change, and throw makeup over Stallion’s marks.
I’d prefer if I could meet Retribution-whatever-the-fuck somewhere else, but my dad is out of town, and if I’m lucky, I can skip valet and sneak past anyone who might know me. I’ve never been certain if they report my actions back to my dad, but it’s still a risk I don’t want to take. But I don’t want to piss off the guy by insisting we go somewhere else if he’s agreeing to give me what I want.
As I pull into my drive, I give the clock one last look before I step out. I go to the door and slip inside, then start upstairs. I only make it halfway up before I hear William call behind me.
“Carmen.”
I roll my eyes, then turn around with a fake smile plastered on my face. Now isn’t the time, William, but I don’t say that out loud. “What’s up?”
“I want to talk to you.” He crosses his wrists in front of him as he moves to the bottom of the stairs.
“About what?” I take the steps back down one at a time until I stop on the last one and stand over him.
“About earlier. Your dad.” His eyes tighten.
I throw my head back with an eye roll. I guarantee my dad was peeping the cameras in the house while he’s away and heard our conversation. This is nothing more than him ordering William to clean up the mess. “There is nothing to talk about, William. He doesn’t care, and I don’t care that he doesn’t. It’s life.” I glance to the camera by the front door so if he’s watching, he can see h
ow serious I am.
“He’s doing his best, Carmen.”
I let out a chuckle. “Yeah. That’s evident.”
“I’m serious. You know the only reason I’m here is because he wanted what was best for you.”
Another laugh comes from my throat. “You’re here because he couldn’t keep his dick out of the other nannies.”
He shakes his head. “There is more to it than that.”
I cross my arms over my chest and lean against the banister. “Yeah? Then tell me.”
“Another time. You just need to be more… understanding.”
“Understanding? I’m very understanding. I understand I ruined his life. I understand he doesn’t love me. And I understand that will never change.” It’s the sad truth I can hardly admit out loud. Because saying it out loud just makes it hurt worse.
Pain washes over his face. “Carmen—”
“Don’t. I don’t need pity. I’m perfectly content with how things are. I’m just glad I have you. You treat me the way he should.”
He smiles softly, trying to hide the pain in his features. “I try.”
“I know.” I lean down and give him a quick hug. “I only came back to grab some clothes. I’m going to stay with Lydia tonight. Okay?”
He nods. “Okay. If you need anything, just give me a call. I’ll be in the greenhouse for a while.”
A warm, fuzzy feeling creeps up my spine at the mention of the greenhouse. William set it up when I was younger and taught me all there is to know about plants, insects, and snakes, and as I grew, it turned into my escape for other things. He doesn’t need to know that though.
I push the thoughts away because right now William being in the greenhouse isn’t something I want to think about. I don’t want to be reminded of the dad I don’t have that William replaced. Right now, I was to feel free and sexy. I want to push everything else away and dive into the new world I’m building for myself.