“Well?” Ares prompted after Atlas’ silence.
“I’m being deployed again. I’ll be gone for nine months. I leave December 18th.” Atlas pulled me tighter to him. I gave him a small smile, the only thing I could muster at the moment.
“Again?” Andy asked breathlessly.
“Yeah, again, Ma.”
“Is it the last time?”
“I can’t promise that.”
“Goddamnit,” Ares stood up, quickly leaving the room.
“Ari!” Atlas called after him.
“Let him go.” I whispered.
“Again?” Andy repeated herself as if she was trying to believe it. The look on her face was heartbreaking. It was one I recognized. It had been passed around my home many times.
“It’s only nine months.”
“But... But...”
“Ma we both knew I would have to deploy again when I reenlisted.” Atlas was losing his patience. “It’s my job. It’s my duty.”
“Go check on Ares.” It had been ten long minutes since he walked out. Atlas nodded kissing me softly before disappearing the way Ares had went.
“How do you do it?” Andy asked with tears in her eyes.
“I hold him closer, kiss him longer, tell him I love him, support him, and I will be right here waiting when he comes home.” I moved over to where she was sitting and took her hand in mine. “You tell him you’re proud of him, what an incredible man he is, and you wait until after he leaves to cry. Until then you keep it in, worry before bed, and start getting boxes for care packages. When he leaves, you tell him how much you love him at least one hundred times, kiss him, and breakdown after he’s gone. Let the last thing he sees be your smile.”
Andy nodded as if she understood and patted her eyes with her fingertips. “Thank you,” she smiled kindly at me, “for loving him the way you do.”
I squeezed her hand and together we sat in a mourning silence.
❋❋❋
I found Atlas a few hours later on the back patio sipping Guinness from the bottle. The shock of another deployment had died down and everyone had wanted a little time to themselves. I had been napping in Atlas’ room while he talked to his mom.
“Hey handsome,” I wrapped my arms over his shoulders, kissing the freckle behind his left ear.
“Hey baby,” he pulled me around and down into his lap. I stole a drink from his bottle as I leaned into him.
“It’s beautiful out here.” I rested my head on his shoulder. A Texas sunset was something otherworldly. It was something I now believe every person should have the privilege to experience at least once in their life. We sat in the quiet watching the deep orange turn to pink, purple, and eventually fade to blue over the lake.
“You doing okay?” I rubbed his side as he nodded with a tight smile. “What is it?” I pressured him.
“My father has been calling.” Atlas spat the words out in angst. “He wants to see me.”
“So we’ll go see him. Even if it’s just to get it off your chest.” Atlas scoffed, taking another long drink from the bottle.
“You just don’t understand.”
I recoiled as if I had been slapped. “You’re right. Your parent actually wants to see you. My mother no longer acknowledges my existence.” I tried to make my words come out even but I was truly hurt.
“Ellie, baby... That’s not... Fuck.” Atlas sighed, running his hand over his face.
“Don’t worry about it.”
“No I’m just being an asshole.” Atlas was quiet for a minute. “Will you tell me why?”
“Why what?”
“Why she’s acts like this? The entire story.”
I pondered over it and stole his beer, taking another drink. “Can we go down to the lake?”
Chapter Ten
We were sitting on the rocks, the wind was blowing hard against us, chilling me to the bone. Atlas draped his jacket over my shoulders as I stared out at the night reflecting off the water. I took a deep, ragged breath as Atlas rubbed my back.
“I met Spencer my junior year of high school. He was a senior, star hockey player, and I hated him.” I laughed, moving my hair from my face. “He was making fun of my best friend Sara.” I felt a twinge of anger as I said her name. “I told him he was a fucking asshole and that if he talked about her again I would shatter his kneecaps. He followed me around for two weeks after that, constantly apologizing. I made him a deal on week three. He could keep his kneecaps if he would just leave me alone. Then he asked me on a date. I was the first person to ever stand up to him. After pleading I finally agreed, one date and then he had to leave me alone.”
Atlas moved to sit behind me. I leaned back into him not wanting him to see the strain on my face. He wrapped me in his arms, leaning his chin on my shoulder. “You’re doing great.”
“We dated for almost a year when he started asking for sex. It wasn’t anything I was ready for and I knew that, hell, he knew that. When my dad left for his position at Lejeune is when shit got really messy. My oldest brothers were gone, mom didn’t want to move to North Carolina, and Joaquin was changing. Distant, snippy, and physically he just looked sick. He was strung out on meth.” My voice was strong but I felt weak.
“Things just kept getting worse. Spencer started college and I was acting out. I missed my dad, mom was fucking her boss, Joaquin was a junkie and honestly? I just wanted a little goddamn attention.” I spit the words out like poison. “That weekend I had been fighting with Spencer. He wanted to have sex when he was home for Thanksgiving. Losing my virginity in high school was not something I wanted to do. Not with someone I didn’t love.”
“Baby...” Atlas’ voice was in my ear.
“No I’m okay, let me finish. I went out with Sara to a concert. She was seeing Jamie, the lead singer of the band. We planned on staying at her mom’s apartment six blocks from the venue. As soon as we got there she started drinking, so I decided I would stay sober and be her babysitter if she needed it. Spencer started texting me. He was at my house, where was I, he was coming to get me, and so on. Sara decided to stay with Jamie and I was just going to get a cab and go back home. Face the consequences if my mom was home or whatever. Spencer grabbed me in the alley.”
“Oh Ginger.” Atlas gasped, pulling me against him as if he was trying to protect me from my own memories.
“He dragged me behind a dumpster, beat the shit out of me, and then tried to rape me but he couldn’t keep it up. Eventually he just got pissed off and started stabbing me. I screamed until my throat was raw and I passed out. He had left me in a disgusting alley while he walked off like it was nothing. A guy working at the restaurant next door found me when he was taking out the trash. I was nearly dead.”
Atlas’ body was tense against mine. I knew him well enough to know his jaw was clenched, eyes hard, and I could feel his fists clenching. He was holding me so tight it almost hurt. I could feel his breath coming in short spurts as he tried to control his anger.
“I spent two weeks in the hospital. For two weeks either my father, Tobias, or Keller were at my side twenty four hours a day. By the time I went home the entire world had shifted. Spencer was arrested but being the son of the District Attorney...” I waved my hand with a loss for how to explain it. “Despite the evidence no one believed me. Even Sara...” My voice cracked saying her name again. “I had stood up for her and now she didn’t believe me. My own mother thought I was lying. Even though there wasn’t a rape kit there was bruising, surgery, stitches, his fucking DNA under my fingernails, matching the scratches down his face where I fought him!” I was bordering on hysteria.
“Baby it’s okay. You’re okay. Get it out. I’ve got you.” Atlas’ voice was strained, laced with anger.
“I fought him Atlas. I kicked, screamed, bit, hit, everything I was supposed to do. Everything.”
“I know you did, baby, I know.” His voice was hoarse.
“Joaquin blamed himself for not watching me closer. He loved me so mu
ch and me hurting killed him. He hung himself six weeks after. His note was an apology to me, for failing me.” Tears were obscuring my vision as I finally let them fall freely. “I found him,” I whispered.
“Jesus Christ, Ellie...”
“My mom blamed me. She said if I hadn’t been such a selfish little bitch that her Joaquin would still be here. That I deserved whatever bad things happened to me. That’s how I got this scar.” I lifted my right arm. “Dad overheard her, demanded that she finalize the divorce, and found me bleeding out on the bathroom floor.” I managed to get the rest out without too much stuttering. “He moved me to North Carolina when my mother told me I had failed at yet another thing, killing myself.”
“I want to rip her throat out,” Atlas seethed. “What kind of cruel, heartless, disgusting creature says those things to her daughter?”
“I spent ninety days in a treatment facility. I underwent therapy, was diagnosed with PTSD, and learned how to deal with the new Ellie.” I nodded slowly, breathing in deeply. “She hasn’t spoken to me in four years. That’s it. That’s all my secrets.”
Atlas stood up moving around in front of me. He knelt down into the grass, holding my hands in his. “Ellie you are the most amazing, strongest, beautiful woman... You are my entire world. I am thankful every day for you. That you are here and I can call you mine. I didn’t realize just how lucky I am until now. I feel privileged to be your man, the one by your side. You are the only thing that matters to me. Thank you for letting me in.”
“You’re welcome,” I whispered, nodding, “I feel a little better telling you all this. You’re a lot calmer than I expected.” I hiccuped, feeling the exhaustion sinking in.
“Baby I have never been more irate in my entire life. I hope he’s still in prison because I will go AWOL to find him and if I ever find him...”
“He is,” I interrupted him, “He took a plea deal. Attempted murder and a lesser charge of sexual assault, for ten years. His dad pulled every string he had.” I yawned, rubbing my swollen eyes.
“Come on, let’s get you to bed.” He scooped me up bridal style and carried me up to the house. My hands wrapped around his neck, head on his shoulder as my body shook against his. I didn’t know whether it was from the wind, my emotions, or adrenaline.
When we were locked into Atlas’ childhood bedroom he laid me gently on his bed, removing his jacket from around me, and my shoes. Once I was settled he began pacing.
I watched him move across the room.
One, two, three... Six, seven, eight... Twelve, thirteen, fourteen...
His black boots were thumping a steady pattern against the hardwood floor. “Atlas?” My voice was soft, fragile even as he whipped his head in my direction. “Are you okay?”
“Am I okay?” He ran his hand over his close cut black hair. “God you tell me all that then ask if I am okay?”
“Um... Yeah?” I pulled myself up leaning against the black leather headboard. Atlas laughed but it came out more of a bark than anything.
“You have gone through all of that and ask me if I’m okay. Honestly?”
“It’s kind of a lot to take in.” I shrugged not sure what else to say as he took up pacing again.
“Baby I don’t have the words. You are the most selfless person I have ever met. You tell me this then check on me. I should be...hell, I don’t know what I should be doing. I have never been so hurt, upset, enraged, or more in awe of a person in my life. I want to rip that fucker limb for limb, videotape it, and send it to his family every year for Christmas.”
“As appealing as that sounds I prefer you out of prison. I’m really not into conjugal visits.” I gave him a half hearted smile.
“How can you joke? How do you go day to day being this happy girl? I just don’t... I don’t think I could.”
“You’re a pretty good reason to be happy again. I look at you and you make me want to be better, to live again. You’re the only person I’ve ever really let in since. You help to make it better. Just because my world stopped doesn’t mean the entire world did.”
This stopped Atlas in his tracks and he was across the room in three steps. Pulling me up into his arms, lifting me off of the bed. I squeaked causing him to finally crack a smile. “I’ve got you,” he cooed as he sat down, lying back on the bed, never letting me go.
“He is the reason why you told me I deserve better isn’t it?” Atlas voice finally broke our silence.
“Yes.”
“I hate him. God hate doesn’t even seem a strong enough word. Despise, loathe, detest, there just isn’t one.” Atlas’ hands were running a path up and down my sides. A man that wanted nothing more than to fly off into a murderous rage was soothing me.
“I don’t want this to change how you see me.” I confessed with a shaky breath. “I don’t want you to think that I’m fucked up or damaged or something.”
“Penelope Noelle,” Atlas scowled, “The only thing that has changed between us is that I am completely amazed by your strength and perseverance. I thought you were awesome before but you are just an incredible woman.” He used his index finger to tilt my face toward him. “I want to prove to you how good love can be, and one day I want to show you. I will be a lucky man to spend the rest of my life proving this to you.” He leaned up kissing my trembling lips. “I want to marry you, Ellie. I’ve wanted to since the first time I saw you in the diner.”
I closed my heavy eyes, laying my head on his hard chest. Listening to his breathing, his heartbeat, the window blowing outside the double french doors of his bedroom. “Atlas?”
“Yeah, baby?”
“Earlier, when we came back inside?”
“Yeah?”
“Will you carry me like that when we get married?”
Atlas chuckled, a deep sound, echoing through his chest. “Ginger, I would carry you everywhere like that if you wanted. Wait, was that you saying yes?”
“Not yet Cowboy, not yet.”
❋❋❋
Scream.
Scream.
Scream.
“Ellie, baby, you’re okay, I’ve got you.” Atlas voice was in my ear, his strong arms wrapped around me, holding me like a vise.
“Atlas! Atlas open the door!” Andy was pounding on the door as I covered my ears trying to focus on my breathing. Atlas reached over flipping the lock on the doorknob.
“She’s okay, just a bad dream.” He rubbed my back as I gasped for air. “Breathe Ellie.” He whispered.
Andy came around the other side crawling right up in the bed with us. “You okay, sweetie, Need anything?” She ran her hand over my hair, her maternal instinct kicking in.
“I’ll be okay.” I nodded slowly, clinging to Atlas.
“Want to get up?” He asked knowing I wouldn’t want to go back to sleep right away. He had spent many mornings on the phone talking or texting with me when I couldn’t sleep.
“Yeah.”
“I’ll go make you kids something to drink.” Andy gave my arm a small squeeze then excused herself.
“God that’s embarrassing.” I groaned, rubbing my face against Atlas’ bare chest.
“You have PTSD, you have nothing to be embarrassed about.” Atlas watched me get out of bed and dig through my bag. I changed into his sweats and his favorite shirt as he pulled on his own would be pajamas. With his hand in mine he led me down the dark hallway into the living room.
“I made you two some cocoa. I think I’ll go back to bed.” Andy kissed Atlas on the cheek. “If you need anything...”
“Yeah, thanks Ma.” Atlas gave her a tired smile, she returned his look, mixed with worry and pity. Atlas picked up the miss matched mugs off the counter. “Want to go outside?”
“Sure,” I grabbed a blanket off the back of the couch follow him out. The sun was starting to peek over the horizon, banishing the dark sky for another day. We sat on a worn red couch in the corner laying the blanket over our laps. Atlas gave me a mug, wrapping his arm around my shoulder. There was
n’t a need to talk about it. He knew what had happened and now what my dreams were all about.
The sun came up as beautiful as it had set. Atlas’ hand rested on my shoulder, rubbing small circles with his calloused thumb. “I think I’m going to go see him.” His voice broke our silence.
“Your Dad?”
“Yeah. Ares, when we talked last night, he went and saw him. He asked about me but Ari wouldn’t tell him anything. I only want to go if you’ll come with me.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’ll flake out if I go by myself. I want so bad for him to be proud of me.” It was a confession that made my heart hurt.
“He’d be an idiot not to be the proudest father on the planet.”
“I’m afraid I’ll turn out like him.”
“Atlas look at me,” I was staring up at the stubble along his jaw. His blue eyes found mine. “You are going to be an amazing father when we have children. Want to know how I know?” He nodded slowly. “Because that child is a piece of me. I know you would never do anything to hurt me, and hurting our child would hurt me.”
Relief flooded his tired face. “You’re right, I wouldn’t do that.”
“When do you want to go?” I hid my cold face in his side.
“Soon, we have other things to do today.”
“We do?”
“Yup,” he popped the P, smiling.
“Like?”
“First we’re going Thanksgiving shopping with Ma, then I’m taking you on a date tonight.”
“A date, huh?”
“Yes ma’am.”
“I like the sound of that.”
“Good, lets go get dressed.”
❋❋❋
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