“I don’t like being cooped up.” He ran his hands over his head, as he fell down next to me.
“Come here, big guy.” I pulled him down, letting him rest his head in my lap. “You need to take five minutes and breathe, Atlas. We’ll go out later, we’ll go to the beach, go look at the house we talked about, we’ll do whatever you want. But it’s eight in the morning and all I want is breakfast.”
“I’m not letting you sleep. Shit, I’m an asshole.” He turned his head, pressing his face into my belly. “You go lay back down I’ll go for a run or something.”
“No, it’s fine, really.”
“Ellie, I’m not stupid. I know I’m having dreams. I’ve been having them since I got to Germany. Of course I’m keeping you awake.”
“Seems like fair payback for all the nights I called you.”
“But you weren’t pregnant then.”
“Yes, I’m pregnant but that doesn’t mean that I can’t--”
“That’s exactly what it means.” Atlas kissed my stomach, standing up, and scooping me up off the couch.
“Not much longer and you won’t be able to pick me up.”
“Yeah right,” he smirked, carrying me into the bedroom. “You would have to gain a lot of weight for me not to be able to pick you up. Seeing as you lost weight to begin with and are just now gaining it back, I don’t think you have anything to worry about.” He laid me down, pulling the covers up over me. “Get some sleep, I’ll wake you up in a few hours and feed you.”
“Yes, sir.” I smiled sleepily up at him. “What are you going to do?”
“I’m going to go run.” I watched him strip out of his jeans and into a pair of sweats.
“I might like to watch that more...”
“Behave yourself, Mrs. Ryker.”
“I don’t have to.” I stuck my tongue out at him.
“Look where misbehaving got you.” He winked over his shoulder as he tossed a plain white shirt over his head.
“Yeah but that just gives me liberty to be a bad girl because it’s not like you can knock me up or anything.”
“That’s a good point.” He jumped over the end of the bed, landing next to me. “I’ve missed getting to do this.” He pulled me closer, nuzzling his scruffy face against my shoulder. “I missed your wild morning hair, your sleepy smile, those eyes that stare straight through me like you can see all of my secrets.” His hand was running over the mat of red curls thrown up in a messy bun on top of my head. “I was afraid I’d never get to to do this again.”
“You can talk to me about this, Atlas. I want you to talk to me about this. Tell me what’s going on in that head of yours.”
“I don’t want you to hear about things like that, Ginger.”
“I’m strong enough to hear things like that, I promise.”
“I’m not sure if I’m strong enough to talk about it.”
I turned on my side in his arms, facing him. “You are the strongest person I know. But baby, it will eat you alive. You don’t have to put up the front with me. I know you better than that. I’ve seen you break down. You’ve held me up at my weakest and now it’s my turn. Give me that chance.”
“I saw this car coming at us and I knew something wasn’t right. I guess it was just a gut feeling or something. But then the window started to roll down. Ackart was driving and he went to speed up to go by them. I guess he sensed it too or whatever. It all happened so fast but it plays in slow motion in my head.” He took a ragged breath, hand moving slow circles over my belly. “I didn’t really think I just reacted. When I saw the launcher come out the window I opened the door and jumped to take cover. Adam saw me open the door and was barreling out right behind me. Ackart really didn’t stand a chance. All I could think about was you, I had to get out and get to safety so I could come home to you and the babies. I couldn’t leave Adam.”
“You’re doing awesome, babe.” I kissed his forehead encouraging him on.
“When I sleep that’s what I see. I see the car blowing up, I see pieces of Montes and Ackart, I see Adam laying there screaming. Just this primal, animalistic, gut wrenching scream. There was a piece of the vehicle, the door I think, laying on his legs. They were so mangled, like they had been put into a meat grinder.” He shuddered. “I couldn’t leave him there. I couldn’t just run away and know he was going to die right there. He’s my six.” He choked out the words burying his face into my shoulder. “I got as low as I could and waited until I saw the car speed away. Then I pushed the debris off of his legs. He screamed, he begged me just to let him die there but I couldn’t. I knew I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I did.”
“It’s okay, Atlas, you’re here with me.” I rubbed his back, kissing the top of his head as I felt his warm tears hit my skin. “Can I tell you that I begged and pleaded with everything that I have that you were okay? I couldn’t have done this without you.”
“Do what?”
“Life,” I replied as if it was the simplest explanation in the world. “Without you, I couldn’t...” I shook my head. “I don’t even want to think about it. I was so afraid you wouldn’t be here to teach them how to ride a bike, or shoot a gun, or tie their shoes. I was afraid you would miss their first steps, words, take their first breath... A life without you just isn’t worth it.”
“But I am here, baby.”
“That’s what I’m saying. You’re here and you need to be here. It will take time but you have to realize that you’re no longer there.”
“I get what you’re saying. It makes sense and right now that is easier said than done. I’ve been able to let go of everything I’ve seen every other time it was right there in front of my face but this was different. It was personal.”
“That’s just the thing, Atlas, it wasn’t personal. It was an attack against your uniform, your country, not because they knew who you or any of the other guys are. It’s personal for you because they were your friends. All of you knew going into this that you could possibly die out there. You all knew that and were willing to sacrifice your lives for it, and they did.”
“Why do you have to be so much smarter than me?” He chuckled quietly. “You see this all so clearly, make it sound so much better than how it is in my head. My mind is muddled by my own disdain.”
“You’ll get better. I mean, you were only completely Deaf for a day and the ringing has subsided...”
“You know that’s not what I meant, you sassy shit.” He grabbed just above my hip bones giving them a squeeze as I giggled.
“I know but it does kind of fit. Not everything will go away or come back that quickly. We both have to give it time and be patient. I know how long it takes for a mind to heal. Just don’t forget that you’re here.”
“Do you think it would be awkward if I talked to your dad? I mean Ben has been doing this for a hell of alot longer than me. I just need some words of wisdom from someone that has lived it, I guess. Not that you aren’t great to talk to but--”
“I’m sure dad would be happy to talk to you, Atlas. We could go see him if you like.” I cut him off while he fumbled over his words.
“I think it would be good for me.”
“Then let’s go.”
Despite Atlas’ protest about me needing rest, I dressed, and we headed over to my dad’s house. I climbed the stairs with Atlas behind me and walked in to find him sitting on the couch deep in conversation on his cell phone. His head popped up when we came around into view. “They’re here actually. I’ll talk to them. Thanks, Chad.” He hung up, walking right by me and hugging Atlas. “You don’t know how good it is to see you.” Clapping his back, he kissed my cheek next.
“Yeah, good to see you too, dad. Geez, walk right past me like I’m not even here.” I teased as we sat down.
“I see you all the time Ellie Belle. Actually I was going to have to come talk to you guys but you showed up first.” Dad looked at Atlas then down at me. The corner of his mouth turned down as he cleared his throat. “I have
some good and some bad news.” I reached over grabbing Atlas’ hand far too tight. “They want to give you a medal.”
“No shit?” Atlas eyebrows raised skyward as I smiled at him. “Wow, that’s really not necessary.”
“It is. I would like to do the ceremony myself, if that’s okay with you?” Dad looked at me with worried eyes.
“I wouldn’t want anyone else to, sir.”
“What’s the bad news?” I prompted, holding my breath.
“I’m stalling because I don’t know how to tell you.” He admitted, as he stared at his clasped hands.
“Spit it out, Ben.” Atlas’ knees were bouncing up and down nervously.
“Adam didn’t make it. A blood clot broke loose and he died in his sleep last night.”
Atlas’ hand was squeezing mine so hard it hurt. I felt like all the air had been sucked from my lungs. “Oh my God...” I put my head on my hand, shaking. We didn’t need this, Atlas and Darcy didn’t deserve this.
“Goddammit!” Atlas yelled jerking up suddenly. “Just... Fuck!” He paced back and forth, clenching his fists as the tears once again fell down his face. He swung his fist, hitting the beam in between the kitchen and living room.
“Atlas...” My voice was cautious as he looked at me. His eyes were wild, lost, like he didn’t know what to do next. Without a word he walked out of the house. I watched him from the window, holding myself as he fell to his knees, punching the sand over and over.
He was a shell of a broken man. The wind was whipping around him, blowing his clothes, as his head fell back, he howled with the physical pain of losing his brother.
“Go to him, before he hurts himself.” Dad urged me. I nodded as I walked down the stairs and out to where he still remained on his knees in the sand. Without a word I sat down in front of him, taking his face in my hands. His own larger ones covered mine as he openly wept for his best friend.
“You fought for me and now it’s my turn to fight for you because you Atlas Ryker, you are something worth fighting for.” I jabbed my finger into his chest, as I fought to control myself. Without a word he pulled me to him, kissing me hard, a mix of sadness and desparate need for connection.
“We’re going to get through this. I promise you, we will.” I assured him.
“I could have--- But I could have done more. I could have done something.”
“No baby, you couldn’t have. You did everything you could have done. You did more than you were even supposed to do. You went back for him when no one else would.”
“He said he hated me...” Atlas hiccuped as his forehead rested against mine.
“He didn’t hate you, baby. You were his best friend.” I rubbed his back, crying right along with him. “I think it’s time for you to go talk to my dad. You really need to, I think now more than ever.” Atlas nodded agreeing without protest, he got to his feet and helped me up off the ground.
“Atlas?” I pulled his hand, wrapping my arms around his waist. “I love you.”
“You’re the only thing that still keeps me here.” It was an honest answer that sent chills down my spine. “You’re my whole world.” He kissed me and left me standing at the water’s edge while he went back inside to face his demons.
❋❋❋
“Darcy?” I called out softly as I walked into her apartment. “Where are you, baby girl?” I didn’t see her curled up on the couch in a ball with the blanket pulled up to her neck. “Oh sweetheart,” I tossed my bag onto the couch and sat down, pulling her head into my lap. Running my fingers through her hair, she laid there without a word, clutching the fabric of my dress.
“It’s not fair.” Her voice was hoarse. “How come Atlas and Caleb get to come home but Adam doesn’t? How come they are the only damn ones that gets to come home? Where is he? I want to know why.” She demanded, her voice rising as she drew near hysterical.
“Atlas didn’t do anything wrong, Darcy. It’s just how things happen sometimes. He just got lucky.”
“Bullshit!” She yelled at me, sitting up. “I don’t believe that. Why is he so damn special?”
“Sweetie, I know you’re hurting...”
“You don’t know shit about hurting, Ellie.”
“We didn’t do anything to you, why don’t you just talk to Atlas? He can tell you more about what happened. He’s been talking to my dad all day and--”
“Just get out.” Darcy cut me off. “Get the fuck out!” She pointed at the door, her swollen eyes crying once again. “Don’t come back, Ellie.”
“Darcy....”
“Leave.” She bit the word out as I stood up, picking up my bag.
“I’m only a phone call away.”
“Go!” I shut the door as she threw the remote and hit behind me.
Sometimes it actually is possible for the world to fall apart even when you have everything you always wanted.
❋❋❋
“How was she?” Atlas asked concerned. I had been driving around for a few hours, not sure what to do with myself. I finally ended up back at my dad’s house with an ice cream cone. He sat down next to me on the porch as I stared past him out at the ocean.
“She kicked me out and told me to not come back. She’s angry, hurt, pissed off, irate, those words don’t seem to cover it. She’s mad at me because you came home and says I don’t know a damn thing about hurting. I asked her to talk to you but she flat out refused. Apparently I’m the bad person.” I took a bite of the cone much to Atlas’ amusement. “How are you?”
“I’m okay. It’ll take some time but Ben said to come talk to him whenever I needed to. He’s really helping so thank you for suggesting we come today. I’m going to try and work toward positive things. The babies, the promotion I want, the new job, just a little bit of everything. I don’t think Adam would want me to stop my life just because his ended.”
“That’s a great way to look at it.”
“Can I have some?”
“Did you seriously just ask a pregnant girl if you can have some of her food?”
“Umm...”
“You’re lucky I love you.” I held out the cone for him to take a bite of as he grinned.
“It’s good, we should get more.”
“There is always ice cream in the Ryker house.”
“I’ll keep that in mind.”
“Do you know Adam’s parents? I think going to the funeral would be good for everyone.” I asked, taking another bite.
“Yeah, I was going to call Vincent later. Adam’s from Alabama but I’m not sure where they want to bury him. If they want to do it down there or at Arlington.”
“Either way, we’ll be there,” Atlas nodded solemnly. “Here,” I handed him the rest of my ice cream.” A little something sweet. Sometimes a band aid doesn’t cover the wounds people can’t see. But a little something sweet can make anything a little bit better.”
Chapter Twenty Two
Arlington National Cemetery was nothing like I expected it to be. Despite the loss it held, it was beautiful. We were gathered next to Adam’s parents, Vincent, and Eleanor, his sister Amanda was clutching her boyfriend Greyson’s arm like her life depended on it.
“Glad you could be here, Atlas.” Vincent finally spoke as he reached out shaking his hand. Vincent looked like he had seen many better years and possibly aged ten in the last few weeks. Eleanor was undoubtedly on the verge of sedation, not that I could blame her.
“No where else I would be, sir.” Atlas’ voice was shaky as he looked straight ahead. He was watching the body bearers and color guard lineup to get ready to start the procession. The white casket was being removed from the hearse as the bearers place it carefully on the caisson. Eleanor was sobbing softly next to me as she saw her son’s flag draped casket for the first time.
We watched as the caisson started moving forward, the band was playing, marching behind the bearers as we took off through the cemetery. Vincent was gripping Eleanor as her grief poured like rain, he helped her get in the car w
ith Amanda and Greyson
“You okay?” I whispered to Atlas who nodded sharply as we followed behind them in our car. We wound through the cemetery following the horse drawn carriage carrying Adam’s body. I silently wondered if Darcy was here. I had sent her a text to tell her when and where the funeral was but she still wasn’t speaking to me.
We came to a stop where the body bearers were to move the casket to the resting place. The band was lined up at the gravesite, playing as we exited the car to join Adam’s family. Standing still with Atlas at attention next to me we watched them lift and carry the casket to the grave. Following quietly we stood behind Adam’s parents and grandparents seated in front.
Without saying a word Atlas stepped around me and marched over to where his fellow brothers stood. Pulling down the coat of his Blues, he snapped to attention once again, and saluted his best friend. Tears welled in my eyes as a gentle hand on my arm caused me to jump. Darcy stood next to me, her eyes red and swollen as I wrapped my arm around her shoulders, pulling her to me.
Silent tears ran down our faces as the chaplain began to speak.
“There is no greater loss than the loss of life. Sergeant Adam Vincent Thornbriar willingly risked his so we could have our freedoms. Adam died a hero and he leaves this Earth to go on to his next life, one of peace. And while we will miss him and recognize him today for his service, we will see him again when our time comes, and we too are called home. If you will all please bow your heads? Dear Heavenly Father, we are gathered here to remember a son, brother, loved one, who courageously and honorably served his country up until his last breath. We know he is now with you in Heaven above and watching over us in everything we do. Dear Lord now we pray for healing and understand for his friends and family. May they have your strength, guidance, and faith in all things you lead them to you will bring them through. In your Holy name we pray, Amen.”
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