by Lucy Clark
‘Sorry.’
‘You were miles away.’ He indicated that they should leave the ICU so the staff could continue their work.
‘Look at you,’ she said as they headed back into the main corridor. ‘You’re loving it, aren’t you?’
‘I have to confess I am. I mean, I love the work in Meeraji Lake, it’s a different pace and I’ve loved the travelling and the hectic clinics, but I do love a hospital atmosphere. It feels like home.’
‘And speaking of home, or rather getting back to the homestead where Chloe is, we can get a lift with Aaron’s brother in a few hours’ time.’ She explained the situation and Felix seemed fine with it.
‘So we have a few hours to waste away in Darwin, eh?’
‘We do.’ She bit her lip for a moment as a thought entered her mind, unsure whether or not he’d go for it. ‘Would you...uh...like to go see your father?’ The frown that pierced his forehead was instant and she quickly continued. ‘It means that after we pick up Chloe, we don’t have to come back here and can instead head back to Meeraji Lake.’
He thought on this for a moment, his eyes darkening, and she felt guilty for quashing his happiness. Although, she rationalised, he’d known all along they were going to be seeing his father. ‘Why not get it over and done with?’ They were walking through the corridors and Harriette wasn’t sure he even knew where he was going. What she did know was that his stride had increased, had become more determined, frustrated, much the same way he’d walked around Meeraji Lake when he’d first arrived.
‘You need to see him, Felix. You agreed.’
‘Do I, though? I’ve been doing fine for decades without any input from him.’
‘He’s dying. That at least deserves our compassion. He’s at the end of his life with regrets and, besides, apart from Chloe—’
‘He’s all I have left in the way of family,’ he finished as they came to the front doors of the hospital. Sighing heavily with exasperation as though he knew she was right, he walked directly to the kerb and hailed a taxi. One instantly pulled up into the designated taxi rank and he opened the rear door for Harriette. ‘Shall we get this over and done with?’
Not about to look a gift horse in the mouth, Harriette slid into the taxi and was pleased when Felix got into the back beside her. As they buckled their seatbelts, he gave the taxi driver the name of the nursing home. They remained silent in the back of the cab and although Harriette wanted nothing more than to take Felix’s hand in hers, to give it a little squeeze, to reassure him, he kept his arms crossed tightly over his chest.
They arrived all too soon and, where he’d been quick to get in the taxi, he took his time getting out, paying the driver and thanking him for his time. Harriette waited on the footpath outside, feeling even more antsy when she saw the darkness in his face, the mask of protection, the closed expression. Here was a man she most certainly never wanted to meet in an abandoned alley and, swallowing over the lump in her throat, she held the door open for him.
It was something he needed to do, she knew that, he knew that but...perhaps it wasn’t. As they spoke to the nurses at the desk Harriette wondered whether she hadn’t made a mistake in urging him to see his father.
Grim faced, they were taken through to a private room where Mr McLaren senior was lying in a bed, an oxygen tube near his nostrils and hooked around ears that seemed too big for his leathery face. Harriette had seen death many times and she could easily recognise that Felix’s father didn’t have long for this world. At that moment, she was glad they’d come.
‘It’s good you’ve come. He took a turn for the worse this morning and we were just debating whether to call you, to see if you could come today instead of tomorrow, when you walked in the door. It’s fate,’ the nurse said as she brushed a soft hand over Mr McLaren’s forehead.
‘He’s not in any pain?’ Felix’s words were brisk, professional, detached.
‘No. We’ve made him comfortable.’
He nodded, then thanked the nurse, asking for some time alone with his father.
‘Do you want me to go, too?’ Harriette asked softly when the nurse had left. Felix’s answer was to shake his head. He picked up his father’s hand, as he would any patient, and checked the pulse.
‘Dad?’ Felix’s deep voice seemed to reverberate around the quiet room but there was no response. ‘Dad?’ he tried again, a little louder this time, and gave his father’s hand a little squeeze.
‘What do you want?’ the old man grumbled and opened his eyes, staring unseeingly at Felix before finally focusing. ‘Oh. It’s you. Come to watch me die, eh?’
‘Do you know who I am?’ Felix asked, knowing full well that dementia patients sometimes became confused and, in his father’s case, along with the shell shock, it was inevitable. Still, there was the chance that this was a brief moment of clarity and Felix wanted to be sure.
‘Of course I do. You’re Felix.’ The words were hoarse but gruff and the old man glanced around the room. ‘Where’s David? Has he come to switch off the machines, to watch me die?’ His father jerked his hand out of Felix’s grasp, the brisk action causing him to cough.
‘Easy, there.’
‘Don’t tell me what to do,’ Mr McLaren managed to say between coughs.
‘David’s not here.’
‘Then who’s that? Your wife? I remember you getting married. Didn’t realise she was so good-looking.’ He raised his bushy eyebrows in a wolfish gesture. ‘Come here, toots, and grant an old man one last kiss.’
Harriette smiled and stepped forward, obliging by kissing Mr McLaren on the cheek.
‘At least you did something right, ya good-for-nothing son. Where’s David? Has he come to switch off the machines, to watch me die?’
Felix glanced at Harriette briefly, both of them knowing that momentary lapses in memory were more than common at this stage. ‘No, Dad. Didn’t the nurses tell you? David and his wife, Sue, passed away.’
‘David, eh? Gone?’ He coughed. ‘Soon you’ll be the only one left. All alone. Just like you always wanted. You always thought you were better than us, with your fancy medical school. You ran away after driving your mother insane.’
‘Dad...I didn’t.’ Felix clenched his jaw and tried not to look at Harriette, pain and mortification flooding through him. It was out now. The main reason why his father hated him. The old man was positive Felix had caused his mother’s death, but as Felix looked at his father he knew that the one who had driven his mother to the point where she’d taken her own life was the man before him.
Felix shook his head. ‘This was a mistake. I shouldn’t have come.’
‘No.’ His father’s voice sounded, a little clearer than before but still just above a hoarse whisper. ‘You’re useless. Just like her. You look like her, you’ll wreck your marriage, you’ll push people away when they try to help and God help any kids you have because you’ll make a crappy father just like she made a crappy mother.’
‘I’m done.’ Felix shook his head then shoved his hands into his pockets and walked around the bed, heading for the door.
‘Felix, wait.’ Harriette tried to reach out to him but he avoided her touch and stormed past. She stood there for a moment or two, listening to the old man’s raspy breathing. She jumped when the door opened and Felix stalked back into the room.
‘Don’t you ever talk about my mother that way again. She was a decent, hard-working and caring woman. You were the one who berated her to the point where she’d felt she had no option but to end her own life, leaving us alone, leaving us...leaving us...’ He stopped, unable to continue.
Mr McLaren rasped in another breath, then out again, coughing a few times before the next breath.
‘You were a rotten father and I would rather be like her, with all her weaknesses, than anything like you.’
‘That’s where you’re wrong, boy. You’re like both of us.’
‘No.’ Felix’s tone was vehement. ‘I am nothing like you.’ He shook his head. ‘You’re... You’re... You’re not worth it. You are not worth it.’ Then, without looking at Harriette, he stormed from the room again. Mr McLaren took in another raspy breath, coughed twice...then didn’t breathe out.
‘Mr McLaren?’ She pressed her fingers to the carotid pulse, but didn’t feel anything. She gave him a little shake and called loudly, ‘Mr McLaren? Can you hear me?’ No response. No pulse. She pressed the button for the nurse and then checked the old man’s pupils. Fixed and dilated.
A moment later, a nurse came into the room.
‘He’s passed,’ Harriette announced. ‘Forty-five seconds since his last breath.’
‘Are you a doctor?’
‘I am, but best get your own doctors to call time of death. If you’ll excuse me.’ Harriette headed out of the room and looked around for Felix. He was nowhere to be seen. She headed out of the closest door and found herself walking towards a lovely little garden, where people could come and walk with the residents or spend time together as a family.
‘Felix?’ she called but received no response. She walked further into the garden, following the path. ‘Felix?’ she called again, but when she rounded the next corner she found him sitting on a bench, elbows on his knees, head in his hands. She sat down beside him but didn’t say anything. She just waited.
‘Has he passed?’ he asked about five minutes later.
‘Yes.’
He lifted his head but didn’t look at her. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘No. You had every right to say to him what you—’
‘Not that. I’m sorry I let you talk me into this. It was a mistake.’ With that he stood and walked away.
CHAPTER TWELVE
‘HI, MUM.’ THERE was a slight delay as Eddie’s voice came down the line. ‘I’m back in Paris, safe and sound.’
She sighed with relief. ‘Good to hear.’
There was a pause on the other end of the line, then, ‘What’s wrong?’ There was no hiding anything from Eddie. He knew her far too well.
‘Oh, Eddie,’ she gasped, then blurted out the whole story of how they’d had an emergency, then they’d gone to see Felix’s father and that Felix had blamed her for everything. ‘And then...then...’ She stopped and blew her nose. ‘Then when I arrived back at Darwin hospital, it was to find that Felix had agreed to perform the surgery for the patient he’d consulted on and that he’d be doing it with loads of people watching so they could observe his technique, and that’s fine but it’s the way he spoke to me. It was as though I was a stranger, as though we hadn’t spent any time together, as though...as though...’ She stopped and sniffed.
‘Where is he now?’
‘He’s still in Darwin.’
‘Where are you?’
‘Chloe and I are back in Meeraji Lake. We managed to get a ride back in a helicopter two days ago.’
‘That would have been exciting for Chloe but... Felix left her?’
‘He calls her on the phone every day, talks to her. She thinks it’s great. Just like you and I and, besides, he did tell her he’ll be back in a few days. He’s going to stay and monitor the patient in case of complications.’
‘That’s logical.’
‘I know. I know it is but, oh, Eddie. I’ve blown it. I’ve wrecked everything by pushing Felix to see his father. Honestly, Mr McLaren was horrible to Felix. He knew exactly who he was and he said some awful things. And then...and then... Felix blamed me, then walked away. He left me there. Left me at the nursing home. Dismissed me. Looked at me as though he didn’t know me at all.’
‘Mum. Mum.’ Eddie tried to get a word in and finally succeeded. ‘I know things seem dire now but Felix will come around. He’s hurt and he has a right to be. He doesn’t have the right to take it out on my mother, though, and I’ll be making sure he apologises to you for that.’
‘It’s OK, darling.’ She sniffed then smiled, pleased her boy was protective of her. ‘But, Eddie, what if he doesn’t come around? I love him. I love the stupid, idiotic man and there’s nothing I can do about it and I have to work with him for the rest of the year and then there’s Chloe and—’
‘Mum!’ Eddie’s words cut her off and even with the delay due to the fact they were on opposite sides of the world, it still managed to silence Harriette. ‘Chillax. Take it a day at a time. Go and spend some time with Chloe. Focus on Chloe. Oh, and isn’t it Tori and Scotty’s wedding soon?’
‘Yes.’
‘Go and be girls together. Do your nails. Play with hairstyles. You’ve never had a little girl to play dress ups with.’
Harriette sniffed again then smiled. ‘True.’
‘Go and be a mum to Chloe. You already love her as though she was your own. She needs you now and if Felix needs to take a few days or a week to sort his head out, then give him the space he needs. The poor bloke’s already had quite a few hectic and confronting months.’
‘True.’ She sighed, feeling calmer than before. ‘Thank you, Eddie. Sleep sweet, darling.’ Harriette ended the call then blew her nose once more before going to the bathroom to splash water on her face. She could be there for Chloe...and Felix. Even if he ended up breaking her heart in the process, surely it was worth the pain? Wasn’t it?
* * *
Three days later, Harriette still hadn’t heard from Felix and she was doing her best to hide it from everyone—except Eddie, but at least she could face him in the privacy of her own room. Felix had called her phone and immediately asked to speak with Chloe so he could say goodnight to her, and apparently, according to Erica, he’d called the day care a few times to speak with Chloe during the day.
‘At least he’s keeping in contact with her,’ Erica had said yesterday when Harriette had gone to pick the little girl up from day care. ‘After losing her parents, he wants to make sure she knows he’s only away from her because he has to do important doctor work in Darwin.’ Erica had sighed. ‘That poor man, the one Felix stayed behind to operate on,’ she clarified. ‘He’s had several complications but last time I spoke to Felix, he felt the man was finally stabilising, so that’s good.’
In fact, it seemed Felix was keeping in contact with everyone in the town except for her. Tori had mentioned that he’d called to check on a few patients and to say he was getting a lift to Clem’s property and would pick up the ute Harriette had left there. ‘He’s going to drive it back to Meeraji Lake and said he’d try his hardest to get here in time for the wedding,’ Tori informed her.
Even in the pub where she and Chloe had eaten dinner the other night she hadn’t been safe from talk of Felix. Patrick had been showing off his appendectomy scar.
‘Just look at that neat scar. Perfect stitching, from Doc McLaren. Did you know he’s a famous surgeon, published in journals and sought after by doctors all over the world? And he operated on me. Me!’
By the time the day of the wedding arrived, the whole town was buzzing. Tori and Scotty were getting married in a large marquee next to the community centre. Chloe woke up in a bad mood and had a tantrum when it was time to put on her pretty dress.
‘I don’t want to wear a dress to the wedding and Uncle Felix said he would be here to get dressed up with me and he’s not.’ The child stamped her foot and crossed her arms huffily, pursing her lips together in a pout. ‘I want Uncle Felix. I don’t want you, Harriette.’
‘Not you, too, Chloe.’ Harriette sighed and left the child alone to calm down while she finished getting ready. She’d chosen to wear a lovely floral dress with ribbons for shoulder straps, a fitted bodice and a flared skirt. Eddie had brought it over from Paris on his last trip, knowing that Tori and Scotty would soon be getting married.
So now, as she
dressed in her pretty outfit and slipped on her shoes, which had a small heel so she wouldn’t sink into the grass, she reminded herself to take a photo and send it to Eddie. She’d just finished piling her hair on top of her head and was about to start putting her make-up on when Chloe came into her room, still with her arms crossed, still huffing and still not in her pretty dress.
‘I want Uncle Felix!’ she demanded.
‘Would you like to put some make-up on for the wedding?’ Harriette asked, trying to distract the child by holding out a lip gloss. ‘I have a purplish one in here which will look lovely on you.’
‘I don’t want make-up!’ Again the little foot stamped in protest. ‘I. Want. Uncle. Felix.’ She yelled his name throughout the house and Harriette didn’t blame her. She wanted Felix here too and, although she’d already tried to explain to Chloe just why Uncle Felix wasn’t here, she didn’t have the energy to go through it all again.
‘Me, too.’ Harriette put the lip gloss down and sat on her bed. What was the use of looking this pretty if Felix wasn’t here to admire her? To compliment her? To share the event with her? For the past few nights, ever since he’d been so dismissive, she’d ended up crying herself to sleep, her heart breaking in the worst way possible. It was far more painful than the broken heart she’d had at sixteen when Eddie’s father had dismissed her. It was worse than when Mark had abandoned her for his career.
Seeing Harriette so despondent seemed to somehow snap Chloe out of her tantrum and she quickly climbed onto the bed beside Harriette.
‘I like Uncle Felix. He’s funny,’ Chloe stated.
‘Yes, he is.’
‘He’s really good to me and he gives me tea sets.’
Harriette smiled and kissed the little girl’s head. ‘Yes, he does.’ In the end, it didn’t matter if Chloe attended the wedding in her grubby shorts and T-shirt with her purple shoes on her feet and purple hat on her head. It didn’t matter. Nothing mattered because Felix wasn’t here to share it with them.