Even before all these revelations, I thought other students looked at me suspiciously. I knew from what Beni often gleefully told me that many thought I was too stuck on myself as it was.
"Even the white girls complain that you look down on them, Rain," she said with a laugh.
I did have what I thought was a good sense of myself. I confessed to art air of confidence. My teachers praised me when I spoke and complimented me on my schoolwork. I thought it was good to be a little proud. But now, after what I had learned about myself, I couldn't help feeling even more alone. I wasn't white and I wasn't black. I was a mulatto, but to me that sounded like a disease and not an identity.
With whom did I belong, the white girls or the African-American girls? Would either want me? Maybe it was all in my imagination, but as the day continued, it seemed that everyone was even more stand-offish than before. In class I felt as if everyone was staring at me more intently. As it turned out, I had good cause to be paranoid.
For reasons she would later regret, Beni had revealed my secret to Alicia and Nicole. I think she was looking for some sympathy, but she just as well could have gone to the devil himself. It was as if she had given them a gift, shown them the weakest part of my fortress, a way to get in and revel in my downfall. I had stood up to them one too many times. They were the sort who just lay in waiting, hoping for just such an opportunity. And Beni, my sister, had given it to them.
Before the day ended, they and some of their friends cornered me in the girls room between classes. Unbeknownst to me, they had been watching for the opportunity. Moments after I went into a stall, they gathered in the bathroom. At first I didn't realize so many girls had gathered, but the sight of all those feet and the subdued laughter and muttering caught my attention.
"How's it comin' out in there, Rain, white or black?" Alicia shouted. They all laughed.
When I opened the stall door, I confronted half a dozen girls, all looking at me with twisted smiles on their faces.
"Bet you think you're something now, huh?" Nicole threw at me.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"Now we know why you act so haughty all the time. You think you don't belong with us lowly black folks," she said imitating some stereotypic black slave from some old movie.
"That's not so, and I wish you'd stop trying to make it seem so," I told her.
"Oh you do, do you? Girls, you hear that? Miss Prissy wants me to stop telling lies about her."
All the girls smiled, their eyes full of excitement and anticipation. My heart began to pound.
"I have to get to class," I said trying to push between Alicia and Nicole. They didn't move. I stepped back.
"I have to get to class?" Alicia mimicked. "Why?" she demanded angrily, "to show off your pretty face and shake your booty in the hall to tease the boys?"
"No," I said. "I don't tease the boys. I leave that all up to you and your friends. Are you going to get out of my way?" I asked, trying to hold up a brave front while inside my stomach was doing flip-flops.
"No, I don't think so," Alicia said. "How about you, Nicole? You going to get out of Miss Prissy's way?"
"No, I don't think so either. I kinda like that blouse you're wearing, Miss Prissy. I think it'd look better on me."
"That's ridiculous," I said. "It wouldn't even fit you." "I can make it fit, can't I, Alicia?"
"Sure you can, Nicole."
"Take it off," Nicole ordered.
"What?"
"You heard her, take it off," Alicia said.
"I will not."
"If you don't take it off, I'll rip it off," Nicole threatened. I looked toward the doorway. The other girls were blocking it. All I could do was back into the stall.
"Leave me alone," I cried.
"Why, cause you got a white mother?" Alicia asked.
It weakened me in the knees to know Beni had told them. I couldn't keep the tears from my eyes.
"Oh, look she's crying," Nicole said, with laughter in her voice.
"Black or white tears?" one of the girls asked.
"Can't tell. They're gray, I think."
They all laughed.
Nicole reached out and seized the collar of my blouse. I dropped my books and grabbed her wrist to pull her fingers away, but she held tight and we struggled like that for a moment.
"Stop it!" I screamed.
The girls started to cheer. The first button of my blouse popped and then another and another. I screamed again when Alicia took hold of the back of my blouse and pulled it so hard it sent me back against the cold metal wall of the stall. Nicole tore the blouse down.
"Now I want that bra, too," she demanded. When she reached toward me, I kicked out and caught her in the stomach. It took her by surprise and backed her up, but that made her even more furious. After she straightened, I knew I was in for great trouble.
Just at that moment, Beni came into the bathroom.
"What's going on?" she asked. The girls cleared a view for her and she saw me squatting, holding my blouse together, and crying in the stall. She looked at Nicole and Alicia. "What are you doing to her?"
"Just trying to borrow some of her clothes," Alicia said. The girls laughed.
"Leave her alone," Beni snapped. "Leave her be!" she shouted. The laughter stopped. "I didn't tell you to do this. Get away from her."
"What are you worrying about her for?" Nicole asked. "She ain't your real sister. You said so."
"She isn't my blood sister, but she's my sister. Get the hell away from her," she ordered the girls around her. Glaring at them, she hoisted her shoulders and raised her fists.
They backed off.
"Whose side you on, girl?" Alicia demanded.
Beni gazed at me and then stepped up to her.
"You shouldn't have done that, Alicia. My mother's going to be upset and I don't want my mother to be upset. It makes me mad," Beni added, her eyes filling with fire. She clenched her hands into fists again. Alicia looked at Nicole and a deep moment of silence passed. Beni wasn't backing down.
"Let's get outta here, before we get in trouble for nothing," Nicole said.
They sauntered past Beni and out the door, the other girls following as if they were a tail to Nicole and Alicia's comet.
I sat down on the toilet seat.
"You all right?"
"No," I moaned. "Look at me. Do I look all right?" I shouted hysterically at her.
She hurried to pick up my books.
"They just don't like you," she muttered. "They never will."
"Yeah, well, it didn't help to tell them about me. Why'd you do that, Beni?"
"It just came out," she claimed. "I was upset and I said it before I thought. I'm sorry."
We heard the bell ring.
"Now we'll both be late for class," I cried.
"You can't go anywhere like that anyway. I've got a sweatshirt in my locker. I'll go get it Stay here," she commanded. She turned to go and then paused. "I'm sorry," she said.
I just looked down at the floor, angry at her, angry at Mama again, angry at the world for putting me here. I sucked back my tears and thought seriously about running away. I'd be better off anywhere but here, I thought. -Here, I was going to only be trouble.
Beni was back quickly. I took the sweatshirt and peeled off what remained of my blouse.
"They're nothing more than a bunch of animals," I said. "I don't know how you can stand being with them, Beni."
"They're the only friends I've got."
"You're better off with no friends. I'm not going to class," I told her after I put on her sweatshirt and picked up my books. "I'm going to the nurse."
"I didn't tell them to do this to you," Beni assured me. I just stood there, looking down.
"Mama's gonna hate me more now," she added. "Mama doesn't hate you, Beni."
She held her lips tight as her eyes watered with tears.
"She wishes you were her real daughter, not me," she said. "You're everything she wants in a daughter
. I stink in school and I'm always in trouble. That's why she kept it a secret all these years from us and from you. She just wanted you to be her real daughter and not me," Beni concluded.
"That's not true, Beni. There's nothing stronger than bonds of blood. You're really a part of her. She carried you and gave birth to you and nursed you. I was just dropped on the doorstep, brought in like something you buy in a store. And now look at me. I'm nowhere. Who wants me? Where do I belong? How do you think it feels knowing your real mother gave you away as easily as she'd give away an old dress or something? You're the only family I have and you hate me, too," I added.
"I don't hate you." She paused, looked down and then up at me with sad eyes. "I'm sorry," she said. "I just have a big mouth. It always gets me in trouble. Look at your blouse."
We gazed down at the torn garment in my hands. "Mama bought me this for my birthday last year," I said.
"I'm going to kick the guts outta that Nicole."
"No, you won't, Beth. That's just going to make more trouble for both of us. Ignore them."
"What are you going to tell Mama?"
"Nothing," I said. "She has too many burdens to carry and you and.i aren't going to add any more, okay? I'll just hide the blouse. She won't know. Okay?"
She looked down so I poked her in the shoulder. "Okay?"
She smiled at me.
"Okay. Maybe I should go to the nurse, too," she thought aloud. "Otherwise, I'll be in trouble for being late to class and get detention."
"What do you think the nurse is going to think about both of us going to her at the same time?"
She laughed.
"She isn't going to believe this face anyway. That's for sure. I'll see you later, much later," she added and headed to class. I took a deep breath and followed her out.
I wasn't one to use the nurse as a way of avoiding things. In fact, this was the first time I had ever gone to see her. She took one look at my face and asked me to lie down. She took my temperature and then concluded I might be coming down with something.
"Is there someone at home to come for you?" she asked.
"I'll be all right," I said. "I can get home myself. My mother's at work."
Nevertheless, she tried phoning, which was a big mistake. Ken answered and when she told him what was wrong, he said, "What can I do about it. I ain't no doctor."
She was so shocked, she had to repeat what he'd said to her.
"He lost his job," I explained, "so he's very depressed."
"Parents," she muttered and wrote the release note.
When I got home, Ken was already gone. I was grateful for that. I took a quick, hot shower and crawled under the covers. Roy had found out that I had left school sick and instead of going to work at Slim's right away, he came home to look in on me. Beni had gotten detention, just as she expected, and wouldn't be back for another hour and a half. I was already in bed when Roy entered the apartment. I was surprised to see him.
"What's wrong? Why did the nurse send you home?" he asked, his eyes full of concern. I wondered how much he already knew.
"I just had this terrible headache, Roy."
If he found out what those girls had done, he'd go after them, and the situation would continue to fester like a bad sore. Right now, I dreaded the thought of going back to school.
"You sick?"
"I'll be fine," I said.
"Beth's in detention," he muttered. "Late for class. She wouldn't tell me why. I bet she was smoking in the girls room:'
"She doesn't smoke, Roy," I said.
"Sure," he said, twisting his mouth. "She's a little angel."
"You have to stop riding her so much, Roy. She feels picked on."
"She needs to be."
"She needs to feel loved and wanted, Roy. You can't just see the bad things or she'll believe there aren't any good. And she really isn't a bad person, Roy. It's not easy for anybody in this family," I added.
He laughed.
"I swear you'd see the good in the devil if he stopped by for a beer with Ken," he quipped. I laughed.
"I bet he has."
"That's better. I like it when you smile and hate it when you're unhappy, Rain."
We stared at each other, his eyes holding onto me so firmly, I felt my heart skip a beat.
"Shouldn't you be at work, Roy?" I asked softly.
"I'll just stay an extra half hour or so. Slim's cool about it long as the work's done." He came farther into the room and sat on the bed at my feet.
"I don't recall you ever leaving school, Rain. Even when you had that bad cold, you stayed and sniffled and coughed until that teacher asked you to stay home rather than make him sick, too. What's his name, Ketchum, something like that."
"Mr. Kitsman," I said smiling.
"Yeah. Must be some helluva headache," he said looking harder at me, drinking in my face with scrutiny. "I bet it's because of all this craziness around the house, huh?"
"Yes," I said.
"Well, maybe something good will come from it." He looked down and then he moved his hand toward me and put his large palm over mine.
"Roy," I said just over a whisper.
He turned to me, his eyes so full of love, I couldn't speak.
"Maybe if you gave it half a try, Rain, you could think of me as not being your brother. Maybe you could look at me different."
"I don't know if I could, Roy," I said as honestly as I was able.
"I never touched you or kissed you except as a brother, Rain. Things change when that happens."
I started to shake my head, but he moved his hand off mine and let his fingers glide softly up my arm as he leaned toward me.
"I remember once when you were only about thirteen, I was walking by your door and I gazed in when you had just taken a shower. You were standing there naked and I know I should have turned away, but I couldn't. It was like my eyes were metal and you were a magnet."
I felt the heat rise up my neck and into my cheeks.
"You were already on the threshold of being a beautiful young girl, Rain. I can still see you now as if it happened minutes ago. You aren't mad about it, are you?"
I shook my head, afraid that if I tried to speak, my voice would crack or get caught in my throat.
"Your skin's like one of those mocha cream puffs," he continued, his hand reaching my bare shoulder.
I lay there trembling under the blanket, uncertain, wondering what to do that wouldn't make him feel hurt and angry. He did seem like a stranger, but he also seemed weak, dazed, perplexed. I held my breath and it felt as if the hands of the clock froze as well. The tips of Roy's fingers were just under the edge of the blanket, inches from my naked breasts. I couldn't stop the tingle of excitement from whirling about in my stomach, but I felt guilty for it, embarrassed.
His fingers began to move the blanket down.
"Don't, Roy," I stammered, trembling more. I brought my right arm around to hold the blanket up.
"I know I shouldn't, Rain, but I can't help wanting to look at you. You've grown so lovely. I felt like a cloud hovering above a garden in which you blossomed. We've got to begin, to try and see if we can do it," he added.
My fingers, as if they had a mind of their own, relaxed as he moved the blanket to the crest of my bosom and then, after looking into my eyes, down over my nipples that stood erect to welcome exposure. I felt glued to the bed, unable to move, even to stir.
"You're beautiful, Rain."
Slowly, ever so slowly, his eyes on me until he couldn't look at me anymore, he lowered his lips to my breasts and kissed me so softly, I wasn't sure he had. Then he nudged my bosom with his nose and kissed the side of my breast before raising his face to bring his lips to mine. It wasn't a long kiss, but it was one that sent a tingle down my spine. When he lifted his head, his eyes filled with confusion.
"Why you crying?" he asked.
I hadn't even realized tears were streaming down my face.
"I can't help it," I said. "I can't help feeling
this is very wrong, Roy."
"We haven't done anything bad." He reached for my chin to turn me back so I had to look up at him. "I haven't done a single wicked or unholy thing. You and I don't share the same blood. We could have met someplace else and this would be okay, right?"
"But we didn't meet someplace else, Roy. We've been living as brother and sister for all my life and almost all of yours," I said pulling the blanket over me again. "I can't help how I feel."
"It was different though, wasn't it? Just now, it was a whole other thing, right?"
"Of course it was different."
He nodded, serious.
"Maybe it will make you think different, too." "I don't know, Roy. I'm afraid," I said.
"Sure," he said patting my hand. "Sure, that's understandable. Truth is, I'm afraid too, but I can't help the way I feel about you, Rain, and how I always felt."
"Mama would be very upset, Roy."
"Maybe at first, but not afterward," he said, sounding more like someone trying to convince himself more than me. He smiled and stood up. "I have to get to work. You going to be all right?"
I nodded, even though my heart was still thumping so hard and fast, I thought I might just pass out.
"Good. Everything is going to be just fine," he assured me. "You'll see. You want anything, need anything?"
"No thank you."
"See you later," he said and started out. He paused in the doorway to look back. "Don't blame me for my feelings," he begged, and then he was gone.
Who should I blame for my own feelings? I wondered. I couldn't help wanting someone to love me as much as Roy did. Was it possible that his love for me was so strong, so powerful and overwhelming that it could wash away years of being brother and sister? Can someone love you so much that you can't help but fall in love with him?
Maybe this was why I never became interested in anyone at school? Maybe, like Roy, I had something deep within me telling me there was more between us or could be more between us. Lots of girls want a boyfriend as nice as their big brother. Maybe I was lucky. Mine could be my big brother.
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