by Lauren Dane
“Ella ripped him a new asshole.” Despite his anger at his father, this made him smile. “Her hands shook a moment, but she never backed down.”
Ben grinned. “Really? Not that I doubt it, she’s been a good friend to us.”
“Rest easy, he thinks she’s damaged goods anyway.” That hurt, but damn it, he wasn’t going to let it bug him any more than he had to. “So fill me in. I know Erin has stabilized, and the baby is good. By the way, a son? Congratulations.”
Ben’s face cleared of worry and anger, replaced by total joy for a brief moment. “Thanks. I feel better that she’s here so close to all the doctors. I just never imagined she’d have any problems. She’s Erin; nothing slows her down.”
Cope could hear the fear there in his brother’s words. “She’s going to be good, and you’re going to be a dad. I know this is scary now, but she’s Erin, and as you said, nothing slows her down.”
“I don’t know what I’d do if something happened to her. I don’t know that I’d be able to get through it.”
He watched his brother, sort of stunned to see this break in his very self-assured façade. Cope had simply always assumed Ben could handle anything, always felt his big brother was unshakable.
“You have Todd. You have me and mom and all our friends. And you have Erin. Nothing is going to happen to her. I researched preeclampsia and eclampsia. This is a good hospital; she’s got great doctors watching over her. She’s here close to operating rooms, and damn, dude, she’s staying in a room that can be converted to a delivery room in minutes.”
“I never imagined loving like this.” Ben scrubbed hands over his face. “I never imagined the other side of the intensity and depth of my connection to Erin would be the bottomless pit of fear at the very idea of losing her. Andy, I’m so fucking scared every moment I’m awake.”
He hugged his brother, trying to be strong, knowing that’s what Ben needed. But it woke up those fears deep in his belly.
“She’s everything I ever wanted, totally essential to me, and the thought of losing it leaves me in a cold sweat. And all I can think is how much Todd and I wanted a baby with her and if something happens it’ll be our fault.”
“She wants that too. She’s been over the moon about this pregnancy and the baby. It’s not your fault for wanting a family with her. And I imagine when Alexander comes home, that’s going to scare you a few thousand times a day too. Just me here now, let it all out. Pinky swear I won’t tell anyone.” Cope sat back with a snort.
His brother needed to fall apart a little; he could see that clearly now. So he just sat with him, close, and let him. Ben didn’t have to be strong in front of Cope, didn’t need to hide his fear or his panic. Cope wouldn’t judge him, and he understood it.
Adrian came out some minutes later, after Ben had begun to pull himself back together.
“Hey, you two, didn’t expect to see you out here. Erin and I went for a walk around the perimeter a few dozen times, and she’s back tucked into bed. Todd is with her, and I think they’re talking dinner. She looks better. Alexander moved around a lot, which cheers Erin a lot I know. Anyway, I’m off to Brody and Elise’s for movies and pizza. I figured I’d see you there.” He looked to Cope.
“Ah, that’s where they all went. I haven’t checked my voice mail in a while. I think Ella and I had loose plans, so I’ll check in with her.”
“She’s going over there too, I think. You okay, Ben?”
Ben took a deep breath and stood. “Yeah, I am now.” He turned when Cope stood too. “Thanks. Now it’s your turn to go to her, the woman who is your everything.”
Cope smiled. “Yeah. Well. Give Erin a kiss for me, okay? I’ll see you tomorrow morning. Let me know if you want me to bring breakfast in or something. I’ll have my cell with me.”
He stood in his front room, looking out the windows at the rain. This room smelled like Ella. She loved the overstuffed chair he’d put in near the window. She perched there often, reading, doing casework, whatever. He’d moved it closer to the window, had made sure the fireplace was working well, wanting her to be comfortable in his house, wanting her to choose to be there with him.
One of her cardigans hung on the back of the chair, a bright splash of blue against the paler green of the chair. He picked it up and breathed her in. Love filled him in a rush, flashing through him, leaving him weak in the knees.
In just a few months he’d taken a longtime crush and had tipped over into love so big and amazing he’d not bothered to fight it. Why would he?
He spent every spare moment he could get with her, thought about her when he wasn’t with her. Saw a movie billboard and made a mental note to take her; saw a redheaded woman in a crowd, and an ache filled him as he wondered where she was and how her day was going.
Today she’d confronted his father in a way so fearless he’d been taken aback by it. She’d said the things he’d wanted to say, things he’d thought, and his normally macho father had stumbled a bit in the face of it.
He’d assumed she would still be so messed up by her past that a confrontation like that would not be something she’d be up to.
She’d left him a voice mail telling him of the plan to hang with everyone at Brody’s. Only in her Ella way, she’d seen it as a way to comfort her friends and keep their minds off the scary stuff.
So why was he there? There looking out his window, frozen by his feelings for her? Why wasn’t he with her, touching her, listening to her voice and letting the feel of her skin soothe the jangled nerves?
Fear.
It clawed at his insides. Seeing his hard-assed brother brought to tears from worry over his wife and child had shaken him harder than he’d imagined. Freaked him out, he supposed. Up until then he’d loved his family and slowly, those people they’d brought into their circle. He loved women in the same way he loved pistachio gelato and action movies. They made him feel better when he indulged, had given him a lot of pleasure.
But he didn’t love them the way he loved her. Loved Ella Tipton so much that spot inside him he hadn’t known was there yawned and freaked him the fuck out. He’d sort of assumed that when he fell in love he’d always get along with his wife. But he and Ella, well, she had a spark. His father had called her damaged goods, but so many people didn’t get that she wasn’t damaged at all. Bad things happened to her, and she survived them. Her skin was damaged, maybe her heart because she’d loved badly. But Ella Tipton was a survivor, a triumphant success story that his father could never understand, and more was the pity.
She’d become necessary to him.
That part wasn’t scary. He liked that part. The scary part was imagining her sick or dying and being powerless to stop it. Stupid, he knew, but that fear of loss seemed so . . . big.
His phone rang, Foo Fighters’ “Everlong.” Ella.
“Hey.”
“Did you get my message earlier? I was worried not to hear back. But Brody just called over to check in on Erin, and Ben said you’d left several hours before.” Her voice lightened his heart, even as his stomach tightened.
“I was busy.”
She paused. “All right. Are you coming over to Brody and Elise’s? We’re getting ready to play some Rock Band. Adrian is saying he should get to be the lead singer, God knows why. You’d think he was a rock star or something.”
He heard laughter in the background.
“I don’t think so. I have stuff to do here.”
“Is there something wrong? Other than the obvious, I mean.”
He sat in the chair he’d come to think of as hers. “No. I’m sorry I was short with you. It’s just, it’s been a long day. And this stuff with my dad. I need some time to process.”
“I understand. I guess I’ll see you later then.”
“I’ll most likely see you tomorrow.”
“All righty then.” She hung up, and he hadn’t really expected her to. He hadn’t told her he loved her, hadn’t asked how she was. In short, he’d been sort of a
dick, and now he felt even worse.
“He’s not coming?” Elise looked taken aback.
He’d been in a snit; she could tell the difference in how he responded to her. That was the funny thing about having known him for so long. This wasn’t some new guy she couldn’t read. He was annoyed or maybe upset about something. He apologized for snapping at her, but he’d always told her he loved her when they hung up, and he’d held back that time. Then again, she had just hung up; maybe he’d been meaning to.
Ah well, she would not apologize for standing up to Cope and Ben’s dad.
The nice thing was, it wasn’t a big deal. He was short but not cutting or cruel. He needed some space, and she got that too. So he could have it.
“Guess not.” She shrugged but didn’t fail to notice the look on Brody’s face. “No.”
He burst out laughing. “What?”
“Don’t interfere.”
“Pffft.”
“I mean it. He doesn’t feel up to company right now. Everyone is entitled to some space when they need it. And you”—she pointed at Adrian—“that goes for you too. Let’s get this show on the road. Sing it, rock boy.”
Brody laughed again, giving her a one-armed hug as he walked past.
She sang and danced and messed up every instrument they let her play. It was two in the morning when everyone wound down, and Adrian begged off to bed.
Ella stood, stretching. “I’m going to go home, I think. I’ll see you all at the hospital in the morning. Or, later in the morning I should say, as it’s already tomorrow.”
“Honey, you’re welcome to stay.” Elise stood and followed her to the door. “Are you upset about Cope?”
She laughed. “No. I mean, he’s upset, and I care about him.” She paused. “That’s not entirely true. I love him. Anyway, I’m not so fragile or deluded I ever imagined I’d never have tiffs with him. That comes with the territory. Erin and Todd fight all the time, you and Brody argue back and forth, and you’re the sweetest couple I’ve ever seen. It happens, and I expect it to. I just want to be in my own bed tonight. Plus, dude, Rennie wakes up at dawn.”
Elise hugged her. “You have a very good attitude. These men we’ve fallen for are bossy and they like to fix everything, even if you want to fix it yourself. But as we’re all pretty strong ourselves, it can get heated.”
“The makeup sex should be awesome.” She winked as she headed out to her car. The night was quiet and cold, but the drive back to her place cleared her head.
Not bothering to do more than pull on sweats and a thermal shirt, she stumbled into her bed, smiling as Cope’s spicy scent greeted her from his pillow. And fell asleep.
25
Cope hadn’t slept well at all, so by the time he managed to accept reality and get up, he was already grumpy and agitated. He’d missed her in his bed, at his side. Had missed the sound of her puttering in his kitchen, missed her horrible, off-key singing while she showered. Missed the way her body felt when he slowly sank into her.
He’d slept alone, and he had no one to blame but himself. He hoped she hadn’t been as lonely as he had. He laughed. Yes, yes he did, petty though it might be, he wanted to mean as much to her as she did to him.
He dialed the hospital and got Erin’s room. Todd answered and told him Erin was doing well, but they were planning to keep her another day or two, just to keep a closer eye on her. He and Ben were going to trade off spending time at the hospital with Adrian and Brody because they were all, as Todd put it, getting on Erin’s last nerve.
She was sleeping and they’d had an early breakfast, so they didn’t want any visitors just yet. That would allow him time to head over to see Ella.
Time to pay the piper for not going over to Brody’s the night before. He showered, got changed and picked up bagels, cream cheese, lox and other assorted goodies, including coffee, and headed over.
“She’s not here.” Elise looked him over when she opened the door. Rennie, still in her pajamas, saw him and squealed with delight.
“Cope!” She bounded over and hugged him, which soothed those nerves of his a bit.
“Brought bagels with all the fixings and coffee for the grown-ups. There are two cinnamon raisin for you in there. Tell Adrian hands off.”
She grabbed the bag with a giggle, and he couldn’t help but smile in response. “Thanks, Cope!” she called out, dashing toward the kitchen. “Cope brought bagels and coffee!”
“Where is she? Is she all right?” he asked Elise as they walked slowly toward the noise.
“Why don’t you ask her yourself?”
“Stop busting his b-back,” Brody said, quickly correcting from balls in Rennie’s presence. Kid probably knew the term anyway.
“I wasn’t. It’s a fair question. Wouldn’t you have called me first thing this morning?”
Adrian chuckled. “But he’s perfect. None of us can be as awesome as Brody Brown.”
“He is perfect. He’s the best daddy ever and ever.” Rennie beamed up at Brody, who smiled down, still looking totally surprised and touched by the things she said. Something tugged inside Cope, stirring up the maelstrom of fear he’d choked on the night before.
“Don’t hate, Adrian, don’t hate.” Brody, grinning, picked Rennie up and hugged her before sitting down at the table with her ensconced in his lap.
“You Sorensons are easy for that guy.” Adrian winked. “Cope, she’s at her apartment, or that’s where she headed when she left here last night. Don’t be a jerk and mess it all up.”
“Maybe I’ll see her at the hospital. I haven’t had this coffee yet. Or breakfast.”
“Really? That’s your answer?” Elise’s brows flew up.
“Ren, honey, can you get me the sweatshirt I left on the bed? I’m a little chilly.”
She hopped off Brody’s lap. “Sure! Uncle Adrian, Cope says the cinnamon-raisin bagels are all mine. But since you’re so nice and all, you can have one.”
Once she was gone, Adrian stood up. “Let’s walk, shall we? I think I left something in my car.”
Cope groaned but grabbed a coffee and followed.
“Are you dumping her for the way she confronted your dad yesterday? Because if you are, first I will punch your face and then I will make a move on her myself. But since we’re friends and you’re obviously going through something, why don’t you tell me what the fuck it is before I have to muss up that pretty face.”
“I just didn’t come over here last night. For fuck’s sake! I’m not dumping her. I don’t have to be with her every second of the day to be with her as her boyfriend. I’m not breaking up with her just because I needed some time alone.”
“You’re full of shit.”
“I’m out of here. I don’t want to have this conversation with you or with them. Did she talk about me last night? Say something bad? You’re all overreacting.” It had never occurred to him that she would, but they all seemed so judgy about him all the sudden.
“Do you really think Ella would do that? You’re an asshole if you say yes, because we both know your girl adores you, dumb ass. She only says nice things about you, and I can’t imagine her slagging you off in public, though she might private-like to Elise. That’s what women do.”
“Look, my brother is freaked, and it freaked me too. I’m human, for God’s sake. Why do I have to apologize to people I’m not dating about it? Do you know what it’s like? Huh?”
“Do I know what it’s like to have my sister and nephew in the hospital? Um, yeah. I was there the first time, when she had Adele. Then I was there when we had to claim Adele’s body from the morgue and Erin was still laid up and on pain meds kept extra thick to control the hours upon hours of weeping over the murder of her child. So, um, yeah, yeah I do know.”
Cope sighed. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. I worry about Erin too, and the baby.”
“Then what are you talking about?”
“Have you ever been in love? Like really in love with a woman. So de
eply that she’s sort of like air, or food, you need her with all your heart and soul? She smiles and everything inside you settles down and admires because you know that smile is for you alone? You imagine her in your house, think about her round and pregnant with your children. The sound of her voice makes you happy. No other woman walks like her or sounds like her. No other beauty is like hers.”
“I have liked women I’ve dated. I’ve enjoyed them, and if I’d stuck it out for a while longer, I suppose I could have fallen in love like that. But no. I haven’t, and I’m damned glad to hear you have.”
“So you get this thing that’s like the best kind of high ever, this thing that fills you up, makes you whole and fuels you. You never expected it, you watched your friends find it, but what it looks like, no matter how good it looks from the outside, you can’t understand just what it feels like to have it yourself. You get used to it. Find a rhythm that’s totally natural. She fits me; I fit her.”
Adrian nodded. “Yeah? So what’s up your ass? This all sounds good to me. Did she dump you?”
Cope snorted. “No.” At least he didn’t think so. “What if I lost her? I’ve never been in a long-term relationship before. What if I fuck up, and she breaks up with me? What if I drive her away? What if we do stay together and she has problems with her pregnancy and I lose her and the baby both? What if she realizes I’m just a pretty face and no substance?”
“She told us about the house. We went over there, you know? You were at work. I went into the shop to get a touch-up, and we went to your house and peeked through your windows. She was right; you’re so much more than what most people see. She gets that. She gets you. You’re going to walk away from that now just in case she might die in a freak accident or you stick your dick into another woman for some unforeseen reason? Come on, Andrew, be real with yourself. She’s solid, and you are too.”
“I don’t know what to do.”
“Go to her. Talk to her. She looked very sad last night. She loves you, Andrew. Let yourself be loved.”