by Lucy Gordon
Even Sally, a short, stern young woman, who was always gruff except when dealing with computers, gazed up at Gustavo, her attention riveted.
It forced Joanna to see him through their eyes, not overlaid by memories of how he had been, but as the mature man he was now, and she had to admit that she understood their reaction.
He’d been very young when she had loved him, little more than a boy. Now the years had brought him to his prime, and his prime was splendid. He seemed to have actually grown, but had merely filled out. As a boy he’d been too lean for his height. Now the slight extra weight he carried made him impressive.
He smiled suddenly, and at last she saw something familiar. It was more of a half-smile, as though some part of him was holding back, concealed behind it. Just as it had always been.
‘Does anyone know where my daughter is?’ he asked, looking around.
‘She’s probably with my son,’ Joanna told him. ‘They get on well.’
‘You have a son?’ he said swiftly. ‘How old?’
‘Ten.’
‘And your husband-is he with you here?’
‘No, we divorced a couple of years back.’
‘We must talk later. I want to hear all about you.’
‘And I about you.’ Then something caught her eye and she pointed to the door. ‘That’s Billy, coming in now, with Renata.’
He turned at once, smiling at the little girl, making a quick move towards her. For a very brief moment Renata smiled, but it was gone so quickly that it was clear she had suppressed it. When Gustavo tried to hug her she gave him only the slightest response.
‘This is my son, Billy,’ Joanna said, quickly moving over to them. ‘Billy, this is Prince Gustavo.’
‘Just Gustavo,’ he said at once, extending his hand.
Billy shook it politely but Joanna was dismayed to notice that his manner was restrained, with none of his usual eager friendliness. Gustavo didn’t react, but she had the feeling he’d noticed.
Hal, Joanna’s right-hand man, was pouring himself a large beer, saying, ‘OK, boss, what’s the programme for this afternoon. Boss? Boss?’
She came back to the present.
‘Sorry, were you talking to me?’
‘Do I call anyone else boss?’ he asked patiently.
‘Not if you’re wise. OK, this afternoon we’re going to-’
‘May I interrupt a moment?’ Gustavo said smoothly. ‘I just want to say that I hope you’ll all join me for dinner tonight.’
‘Do we have to dress posh?’ Hal asked, looking at his magnificent surroundings. ‘Because I forgot to bring my white tie and tails.’
‘Informal dress, I promise,’ Gustavo assured him. ‘Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must go.’
He touched Renata lightly on the shoulder, indicating with his head for her to follow him. But the child scowled and turned away. He watched her for a moment, and it seemed to Joanna that he was longing for her to turn back and smile at him. When she didn’t, he walked out.
That evening Joanna soaked herself in water, allowing the tensions as well as the dust of the day to leave her.
She’d seen him and it had been a shock, because no matter how well prepared she’d thought herself, the reality had been nothing like her expectations. After twelve years, she thought, how else could it be? And how much had she changed in that time?
And whatever else was different, he was still as wickedly attractive as before. Watching the three other women had told her that.
She dressed herself in a pair of black velvet trousers and a brilliant-red silk blouse. In her ears she wore solid gold earrings.
She was dissatisfied with her hair, which she’d meant to trim back to shoulder-length, then forgotten. She had to settle for brushing it vigorously and hoping it wouldn’t look too tousled.
Lily and Claire, who were sharing a room, joined her in the corridor. Lily especially was looking forward to the coming evening, as her low-cut dress proclaimed.
‘Just get him!’ she exclaimed. ‘Wow! Is he fit or what?’
Joanna pretended to be shocked.
‘Are you talking about His Excellency, Prince Gustavo Montegiano?’ she asked. ‘Come, come! Where’s your respect for rank?’
‘He can pull rank on me any time he likes,’ Lily said, contriving to give the words a lascivious meaning. ‘Come on, now, you’ve got to admit he’s wow! Those eyes. Those muscles.’
‘Don’t you ever think about anything but men?’ Sally asked, appearing with Hal, and falling into step beside them as they descended the stairs.
‘Yes, but I spend too much time with the ones who’ve been dead for centuries,’ Lily pointed out. ‘Living fellers tend to look very good after that.’
‘I’m living,’ Hal said. Where Lily was concerned he existed in a permanent state of hope.
‘Down, Fido!’ Lily said.
‘What happened to his wife?’ Sally asked.
‘They’re divorced,’ Joanna explained, keeping her voice low. ‘But please don’t talk about that.’
‘Discretion is my middle name,’ Lily said untruthfully. ‘But honestly, was she crazy? Can you imagine any woman having that, and not clinging on for dear life?’
‘Can we talk about something else?’ Joanna asked tensely.
‘Perhaps he’s not as gorgeous as he looks,’ Claire put in.
‘And perhaps pigs fly,’ Lily scoffed.
‘No, I mean as a person,’ Claire said. ‘He might have a nasty temper-’
‘He’d still be as sexy as hell!’ Lily pointed out.
‘Will you two hush?’ Joanna said frantically. ‘Not another word, in my hearing or out of it. Honestly, I can’t take you anywhere.’
She remembered the dining room well. In this grandiose room she and Gustavo had been toasted on the night of their engagement. Now it had a livelier air.
It was a good evening with plenty of laughter. Carlo was there, also the children, with Laura. They had spent the last couple of hours riding. Renata was already skilled and Billy was learning.
‘So that’s where you were,’ Gustavo said to Renata. ‘I looked for you.’
Joanna watched the little girl, remembering the harsh things that, according to Billy, she had said about her father. Surely they could not be true?
Renata maintained a cool demeanour towards Gustavo, but when he wasn’t looking at her she would fix her eyes on him with something that might have been longing. If he glanced back at her, she hurriedly turned away.
Gustavo wanted to hear all about the dig.
‘I suppose it’s too soon to have discovered anything significant,’ he said.
‘Much too soon,’ Joanna said. ‘We’re still in what Hal calls the “getting-dirty-with-nothing-to-show-for-it” stage.’
In this way she tossed the ball to Hal, who, being naturally talkative, seized it. He then monopolised the conversation, although once he did say, ‘You should really talk to the chief. She’s a terrible slave-driver. We’re all scared of her.’
Everyone laughed and Joanna said, ‘So I should hope.’
She stayed mostly quiet, letting the others talk. Sometimes Gustavo darted a curious glance at her, but he seldom spoke to her, although she was sitting at right angles to him, at the head of the table.
After the meal Laura announced that it was time for the children to go to bed. Billy and Renata said their goodbyes politely. Renata allowed her father to kiss her cheek but she didn’t kiss him back. Nor did he try to make her. He simply stood still while she left the room without a backward glance at him.
The sight of this big, impressive man seemingly beaten into submission by a child’s hostility made something catch at Joanna’s throat. She turned away, feeling as though she was invading his privacy.
Suddenly the evening had lost its savour for her, and, as though she had X-ray vision, she divined that it was the same with him. He talked and smiled, but a snub from a little girl had quenched a light inside him.
&nbs
p; He did his duty to the last minute, escorting them up the stairs and saying goodnight as though he had all the time in the world. But she knew that secretly he was longing to escape, and her heart ached for him when first one person, then another had ‘just one more thing’ to say.
But at last it was all over, everyone had gone to their rooms and the corridor was quiet. Joanna noticed a faint beam of light coming from under Billy’s door, and went in.
‘You should be asleep, not reading,’ she said.
‘Honestly, Mum, how can anyone sleep with that racket going on outside?’ he said, sounding aggrieved. ‘Why do people always say goodnight at the tops of their voices?’
‘All right,’ she said, recognising some justice in this, without actually being fooled by it. ‘They’ve all gone now, so put the book away.’
‘OK, Mum.’
They hugged each other and she slipped out into the long, wide corridor. The lights had been turned low and it was a moment before she realised that she wasn’t alone. Gustavo stood a few yards away, his hand resting on the handle of Renata’s door.
It was on the far side, and a slight bend in the corridor meant that she could plainly make him out, even in the gloom. She saw him try the handle, then again, until he was forced to accept that the door was locked.
For a long moment he stood there. Then he spoke and Joanna thought he said, ‘Please, my darling.’
When there was no reply he leaned his head against the door.
Joanna moved away very quietly, knowing that he must never realise that she had glimpsed his private pain. She managed to get into her room and close the door unseen, and stood leaning back against it, eyes closed.
She had come here hoping to find a scene of domestic contentment that would help her draw a line under the past. Instead she’d discovered misery, bitterness and the destruction of the very marriage she had sacrificed herself to bring about.
It was late and she supposed she ought to go to bed, but her mind was seething and she knew there would be no sleep tonight. All evening she’d been aware of Gustavo. While she sat near to him at the table she had sensed him through every fibre of her being, every breath she drew.
Now she was even more aware that his room was just opposite her own. She listened for the sound of his footsteps returning along the corridor, but then stopped, impatient with herself.
I ought to go away from here, she thought. Go! Go now!
But she knew she wasn’t going to go.
She went to the window and looked out over the countryside, the fountain in the garden, lawns fading into the darkness of the trees. An owl hooted softly in the distance.
From here she could see exactly the place where she had stood one evening, longing for Gustavo to come out and share the moonlight with her. In the end he had joined her, but their conversation had been stilted and uneasy.
Suddenly the beauty of the night was irresistible. It called to her, promising at least a kind of peace after the tensions of the day. She hurried out into the corridor, down the stairs and out onto the stone terrace.
Does nothing about this place ever change? she thought. Then, now-it might be the same night.
But one thing was different, she realised as a sound from the corner made her turn her head in time to see the shadow sitting there unfold, stand and approach her.
‘Ciao,’ he said softly.
‘How did you-?’
‘How did I get here so quickly? I came down the back stairs. It was you in the corridor, wasn’t it?’
‘Yes, I’m sorry. I wasn’t prying. I’d just been in to say goodnight to Billy and-’
‘It’s all right. You need not explain. I hoped that since I’d been away she might-well…’ He shrugged.
Now she could see better in the darkness and she realised there was a low table with a bottle of wine and two fluted glasses. He filled one and handed it to her.
‘Were you expecting someone?’ she asked.
‘Yes. You.’
She didn’t waste time with arch questions. Of course he had known she would be here.
‘It was so hot inside that I had to come out for some fresh air.’
Gustavo nodded. ‘I come out here every night to sit quietly and let the cares and strains of the day fall away. They’re always there again tomorrow, but this gets them into perspective.’
‘Renata blames you for everything, doesn’t she?’
‘Is that a guess or do you have inside information?’
‘Well, she talks to Billy a lot-’
‘I thought that might be it, from the wary way he looked at me.’
‘I’m sorry, he doesn’t mean to be rude-’
‘Don’t be sorry. If she’s got a friend she can talk to that’s the best thing that could happen. I know she doesn’t talk to anyone else, even Laura. And she needs someone because her life has been turned upside down in so many ways. I expect you know all about it by now.’
‘I’d heard that you and Crystal weren’t together any more.’
‘Did you also hear that she bore a son by another man?’
‘Yes,’ she admitted.
‘Well, then, you know everything,’ he said heavily.
‘Gustavo, I wish I knew what to say. It must have been terrible for you-’
But he shook his head. ‘I don’t matter. Renata loved her little brother. A lot of children would have been jealous, but she has a loving heart and she adored him. Then it was all taken away, mother, brother, the home life she’d known. She has to lash out at someone, and I’m the nearest, so I’ve become the biggest monster in creation. What am I supposed to have done?’
‘Prevented Renata’s mother taking her when she left,’ Joanna said sympathetically.
Gustavo’s lips twisted in mockery, perhaps of his ex-wife, perhaps of himself.
‘Did Crystal plead with me to release her darling child, and I cruelly broke off all contact between them?’
‘Something like that.’
‘God, what a mess! Do I have to tell you that Crystal could have taken her if she’d wished, but she didn’t? The clown she’s living with doesn’t want Renata hanging around, and Crystal didn’t put up a fight. She dumped her daughter and left without a backward glance.
‘She doesn’t even keep in touch. She’s supposed to call Renata, but she doesn’t bother. If I call her she makes an excuse and hangs up.’
‘I see,’ she said slowly. ‘It’s just that Renata told me-’
‘What? It’s best if I know. What has the poor little soul told herself now?’
‘She says Crystal bought her a cellphone and they talk every day.’
Gustavo dropped his head into his hands.
‘She does have a cellphone,’ he said at last. ‘I bought it to help them stay in touch. And I can tell you, Crystal never calls on it. What’s more, she keeps her own cellphone switched off, so Renata can’t get through. I get the phone records sent to me every week so that I can tell what’s happening.’
He gave a grunt of harsh laughter, then said with terrible bitterness, ‘It would be nice if my child confided in me, but since she doesn’t, the phone records keep me up-to-date.’
‘Oh, heavens!’ she breathed. ‘I wish I knew what to say.’
‘Saying things is useless. It doesn’t make anything better. I found that out long ago.’
‘And Renata blames you for all this?’
‘Of course. It’s that or admit that her mother doesn’t want her. What is the poor little thing to do? I long to help her, but I seem to be the one person who can’t. I’m floundering.’
He gave her a painful smile.
‘This is quite like old times. Do you remember how I used to confide in you?’
She almost gave an exclamation of shock. He’d confided in her? Had he? She searched her brain for anything that could have given him such memories, but although she could remember long talks as they rode or walked together, she could recall nothing she would have described as person
al confidences. And yet that was what he remembered.
‘I know we talked a lot,’ she said cautiously. ‘Especially when we were here.’
‘I used to enjoy those talks,’ he said. ‘I always felt that I could tell you everything I was thinking, and you would understand. I’d never felt that with anyone before. Or since.’
‘But the things we talked about-’ she stammered ‘-they were just-’
‘It didn’t matter what we talked about. Your mind was always there with mine. Or at least, that was what you made me feel. It was a good feeling.’
She was stunned. Had she been so absorbed by her own feelings that she’d failed to appreciate that Gustavo placed his own value on their relationship, a different one from hers?
For the first time it struck her that there had been something self-centred in her love. She’d fallen for Prince Charming, but she’d had no insight into the thoughts of the real man.
‘Of course,’ he added, ‘years spent living with a woman who couldn’t have cared less what I was thinking may have heightened my impression of you. Joanna, I can’t tell you what it’s like seeing you again. When Carlo told me he’d made an arrangement with Mrs Manton I had no idea it would be you.’
‘And you’re not sorry that it is?’
‘Of course not. It’s marvellous to me that we should have met again like this. I’ve thought of you so often through the years.’
Joanna turned a wry, disbelieving face towards him, making him ask, ‘Why do you look at me like that?’
‘I should think I’m the last person you’d want to remember.’
‘Why? We had no quarrel. I have only the kindest memories of you. Unless you’re referring to the fact that I behaved badly.’
‘You didn’t. You behaved honestly. And ending our engagement suited me too. You know that.’
‘But not the way it happened, surely?’
‘You mean with me looking like a jilted wallflower?’ she teased. ‘Come on! I was never that. You should have seen me dancing at your wedding?’
‘Yes, I did. Dance after dance with the same man. Who was he, by the way? Nobody I asked seemed to know him.’
She was almost knocked breathless by the discovery that Gustavo had noticed her that day and enquired about her partner. She had thought him oblivious.