by R. J. Blain
Jonas sucked in a breath. “You’re the arsonist, Sandra?”
“I was dying, he crashed the courthouse, I wasn’t ready to play attorney yet, and I was going to die anyway, so I figured the Devil would kill me off a lot faster and cheaper if he figured out I’d done it.” I inhaled, forcing myself to calm down. “I figured he would track down who had burned his little mini mansion in a hurry and escort me to hell. It would have done me a favor, really. But I made sure nobody was in the place first. I even made sure all of the fish were gone, because they have nothing to do with their owner’s shitty behavior in court.”
Jonas snickered. “That’s just incredible. You learned how to create a shroud so you wouldn’t suffer from cancer for longer than necessary? And you targeted Lucifer?”
“Who else would I target? He was the one who turned the court into a circus. I can’t even blame his little cupcake of a daughter. She tried so hard to strangle him. I respect that. I wanted to strangle him, too.”
“Who doesn’t want to strangle him at least once?” Jonas laughed. “And to think, Lucifer became interested in you because you were so damned patient in court, too, which made you perfect for tolerating his bullshit.”
“It’s just wrong. I worked so hard on that hit, convinced he’d figure me out within ten minutes, and then he comes to my school and tries to hire me rather than fire me. As in burn me to a little crisp. I mean, firing me as in punting me out of his employment seems to be an option now?”
“Considering you signed the employment papers, yes. Camael, Anael, I don’t know what you need from me, but I would offer you favors to make this work out for the best, whatever that is.”
The archangel and angel both laughed, and the sound soothed me better than any drug I’d ever taken. Camael said, “There will be no owed debt, young Jonas. He would have interfered eventually, and this balances the scales between us. Sandra, you do have a choice to make before we begin.”
“What choice?”
“The deception began with your lycanthropy virus infection.”
“The unknown strain?”
“Yes,” Camael confirmed. “It is unknown because there is no animal associated with the virus. You have the virus, but the animal DNA has been stripped from it. The donors are two people who were infected with this human-made virus, and you were never at risk of a mating bond because these two lycanthropes are mated to each other. As such, your virus has no purpose beyond healing your body. Of course, the instant you begin seriously pursuing a male, that portion of the virus’s nature will awaken. Your issues are due to the lack of an animal’s DNA guiding your virus. Because the virus does not have any cues from the animal strain, it does the only thing it can, which is heal your body. It does not understand it kills you trying to help you.”
“Diana and Darian are the donors,” Jonas informed me. “While Diana was meeting with you, Darian was donating his blood. When Diana left, she would donate as well. Lucifer has been abusing his holy fire trying to crank their blood production to make sure you have enough units, but they’re becoming tired and can’t sustain so many units for so long. That’s part of why they want me to stick close. I can monitor you, and because I can teleport and take someone with me, if your condition worsened, I could take you to Lucifer. I wasn’t supposed to tell you, but considering the situation, well, it’s not my problem you know, and knowing gives you an edge. Lucifer asked them if they would donate to test something about their virus strain and applications in medication.”
My mouth dropped open. “They have a lycanthropy virus that isn’t attuned with an animal?”
“Yes. It’s a situation Lucifer is investigating, and that’s part of why he needs your help. It’s just too much work for the staff we have.”
Camael cleared her throat. “Lucifer will be displeased when he learns you told his secrets.”
“When isn’t Lucifer displeased with me?”
“While you have a point, he does like you. He just also enjoys giving you a hard time because you are stubborn and play the games by your own rules.”
I could easily imagine Jonas shrugging off the archangel’s concern. “He’ll be pleased with me after he puts on a show because telling her improves her odds of a full recovery, and he wants her alive. I’m doing what he wants in a different way. Sure, I’m being self-serving, but at least I’m mostly honest about it.”
I bet if I kept the incubus around, he’d keep me on my toes due to my awareness he would do everything but cheat if I didn’t keep a close eye on him. The bastard would cheat at everything except our love life if we were to develop one, too.
I suspected Darlene harbored some deep-seated hatred for me.
“She really does not,” the archangel informed me. “He cannot help his nature, and she cannot help her nature. You cannot help your nature, either. This is a dangerous combination for you, as your nature will drive you to the limits of your sanity, and you will end up enjoying the ride because you appreciate a challenge.”
Well, fuck.
“That would be a part of your appreciation and enjoyment, yes.”
Hot damn. I’d need some time to recover from the archangel’s rather wicked sense of humor. “What does this realistically mean for me?”
“It means you get to be a test subject,” the archangel informed me. “We will give you a choice of species. You will pick. We will attempt to attune your lycanthropy virus to that species. We have a backup plan if this does not work—and we may use the backup plan even if it does work. We will evaluate the reality versus the shadows of the future we have observed. These things are not necessarily the same.”
“Hey, that’s a silver lining. I get to choose my species?”
“The list is not extensive, but you do get a choice.”
“I am automatically rejecting any creepy-crawlies. Don’t even offer them to me. Any sort of bug? I just can’t handle it. I’d try to assassinate myself the first time I saw my reflection.”
The angel and archangel laughed, and Camael replied, “Do not worry. There are no creepy-crawlies among your choices. The species were selected to allow you to better thrive in Lucifer’s domain.”
“Okay. Hit me with it. What are my choices?”
The archangel cleared her throat. “You may become a spicy pony, a spicy pony with bite, a fox with some spice, a spicy fox with bite, or a feline of troublesome nature with some spice and bite.”
My mouth dropped open, and I struggled against the urge to open my eyes and stare in disbelief at the archangel. “Did you just say a spicy pony or a spicy pony with bite?”
“I absolutely did. He wished for the choices to be of ambiguous nature, as He has a sense of humor that rivals His fallen son’s. He feels these choices will cater well to your nature.”
Jonas snickered. “The feline of troublesome nature with some spice and bite would fight with Darlene often, I’m sure. Cats do that.”
“Let’s skip the feline of troublesome nature with some spice and bite. I have the feeling Darlene would win, and if Darlene didn’t win, Lucifer would. I want to survive this, not make myself a target for however short my lifespan as a feline of troublesome nature with bite would be.”
“You are a creature of wisdom,” the archangel complimented.
“While I like foxes, I think I’ll take the spicy pony with some bite. That sounds like an upgrade from the spicy pony. I really don’t have anything against foxes—I really like how they’re colored—but I know just enough about mythology to recognize a fox might end up biting me in the ass even more than some sort of demented equine, likely of hellish origin.”
Camael’s laughter chimed. “You truly are a creature of wisdom. I will return shortly. I will have you drink a brew, and it will not be the most pleasant of things, but you will survive it, and you will learn what it means to be a spicy pony with bite in time.”
“But what is a spicy pony with bite? There are so many spicy ponies with bite around I can’t even guess,” J
onas complained. “Don’t get me started on those damned cindercorns.”
“Those are definitely spicy ponies with bite,” Camael agreed.
“And then you have the damned nightmares.”
“Those are also spicy ponies with bite,” the archangel replied.
“The Four Horses of the Apocalypse.”
“They, too, have much spice and a great deal of bite.”
“The standard unicorns are spicy perverts, and they bite,” Jonas complained. “Damn it, every single horse from hell is spicy and bites.”
“It does leave a great deal of room for interpretation. I will return soon. I will say this much, her variant of a spicy pony with bite is not a cindercorn.”
Something popped, and Jonas cursed.
“I like horses,” I informed Jonas. “If I’m going to shift into something, becoming a badass horse of some sort really appeals to me.”
“Hellish equines have stronger appetites than even incubi and succubi, Sandra,” Jonas replied.
Oh? “But are they whores?”
“They’re coupled with rather strong monogamous tendencies, much like lycanthropes. Standard unicorn stallions can—and have—trapped succubi in their wicked clutches, and they do not let go once they have secured their mate.”
“I am not seeing the problem with this, Jonas.”
“They can live to be over a thousand years.”
“I’m still not seeing the problem with this. You’re giving me a pretty good sales pitch for this, honestly. I’d have to find another spicy pony with bite or tame an incubus, but it seems there are matchmakers in my life, so I won’t even have to do any of the real work. That might put a damper on your bed buddy plans for a good meal, though.”
“I’m monogamous, Sandra. We’ve already discussed this.”
“I’m still not seeing the problem. What are you complaining about? I don’t have time to take care of some needy man, you need a reliable bed buddy, and we certainly don’t have to love each other to have a functional sexual relationship. You might get bored after a few hundred years, but you’d be well-fed while being bored. I’ll kick the bucket eventually, so you can resume moping and being hungry at your leisure at that point. And you could purge the bond should one develop.”
“It’s much harder to escape one of the equines,” Jonas complained.
“If I could open my eyes without being at risk of eradication, I would be rolling them at you right now. Don’t be a baby. We both win and lose with this arrangement. You get fed, I go to bed warm and content, and we otherwise leave each other alone and do our own thing. You have to work as Darlene’s bitch, and I’ll be Lucifer’s intern. These things likely do not overlap that much. And if you piss me off enough, I’ll just tattle to Lucifer and make him deal with your disciplining. But as long as you aren’t cheating on me with some other woman, I’m not your mother or your babysitter. Just don’t be a complete dick.”
“Why do I have a feeling I’m going to regret this?”
Poor Jonas, forced to accept he couldn’t have everything his way. “I already told you I don’t have time for a man, but a bed buddy would be a nice addition to my life. Just keep your eye on the prize. You get a good meal most nights of the week, and you don’t have to buy me chocolates or roses to get it. If you get lonely, I might even be able to pen you into my schedule, but it’s going to be quite busy.”
“You are a ruthless woman, Sandra.”
I was? “If you like buying women chocolate and roses, I like both of those things and won’t object to you indulging your romantic side. It’s just worth reminding you that you’re an incubus and I’m a smart woman. Incubi aren’t in it for love. I’m just cutting through the bullshit so we can both benefit from our agreement.”
“You are right, Jonas,” Anael stated. “She is a most ruthless woman. I wish you the best of luck with your arrangement. You will need it, but at the very least, you will not wander around as a shadow of your proper self. There is something to be said about properly feeding, and she is making a good offer. While there are consequences to her offer, your needs will be met, which is important for your ongoing health. And think what you will about your sister and her wicked ways, but her love for you is second only to her love for Lucifer, and there is no power in this universe that is capable of coming between those two. Until you discover the woman who makes your soul sing, there is something to be said for a relationship founded on more than merely passing lust or fragile love. You have much to learn, and she can teach you. But I recommend you make use of the roses and the chocolates. You will inevitably annoy her to the limits of her sanity, and it is wise to attempt to appease the angry women in your life.”
“Women is plural,” Jonas muttered.
“Did you think establishing an evening arrangement would stop your sister?”
“I was certainly hoping!”
I bit my lip so I wouldn’t laugh. Once I had better control of myself, I said, “Keep on dreaming, Jonas.”
The next time an archangel warned me something would be unpleasant, I would listen—and I would flee as fast as my feet could carry me. The concoction tasted like honey, a mellow honey I could drink all day without complaint. The taste deceived—and made sure it all ended up in my stomach, where the brew worked its dark magic on me.
It began as an unpleasant yet familiar burn in my bones, the same kind of all-consuming pain the hospital used the nasty drugs to dull.
Archangels didn’t believe in drugs. Camael believed in fiery restraints, which bound me to the bed so I couldn’t get up and attempt to strangle the bitch through her shimmering shroud.
“Before you panic, Jonas, she may now see through the shroud without it destroying her,” Camael announced. “Her temper will be fierce for a few minutes. I did not imbue her with the essence of a sparkly pony capable of farting rainbows and roses, after all. She will be most spicy once He is finished with her. You will appreciate His working. You will have a hungry filly to please, and your nature will enjoy her attentive company.”
“I appreciate early Christmas presents as much as the next man, but that looks rather painful. Did you have to use holy fire?”
“Yes. It was necessary. The potion included some ambrosia to go along with the essence. It also included some other components meant to help heal her body, including holy fire. Once the potion’s potency has dulled, I will make use of more holy fire to help her body heal and boost her wavering virus. Make no mistake, young Jonas. While she will be a spicy pony with bite, she will also be a lycanthrope, and her health is tied to her virus’s health. Her virus will be strong once we are finished with her, but for the moment, she must pay the price for her healing in suffering.”
“You’re using holy fire to chain her to the bed.” Jonas growled something under his breath. “Doesn’t that constitute as cruel and unusual punishment?”
“Silly incubus. It heals her even as it burns her. Diana suffered through similar, though to a far lesser extent. Did you know?”
“I knew. Her cancer had just started, so it was easier to remove. I don’t understand why he didn’t just cure Sandra of her cancer. He can.”
“Ah. I understand now. This is the source of your irritation. Lucifer cured Diana, so why could he not cure Sandra?”
“That had crossed my mind,” Jonas admitted.
“It is simple. Lucifer would have had to do a conversion to save her. There would have been no pleasant choices for the conversion. No spicy ponies with bite, nothing with a kinder nature. He would have had to draw from the darkest pits of his many hells for a form for her. It would have destroyed everything she was and could be. She was too far gone for such a ploy to work. He needed to provide ambrosia for this method to work—or a seed. He works to give my brother a gift, although I suppose the gift is more for Darlene than it is for my brother—Lucifer wants Sandra for her, after all. Many good deeds have been done using this way—and this way is the kindest for young Sandra.”
&nbs
p; Jonas heaved a sigh.
I spat a few curses at the archangel for subjecting me to torture. “Is this a sneak preview of the hell Lucifer is going to put me through once he figures out I torched his mini mansion?”
“Oh, no. Not at all. He will adore you more than he already does for that,” the archangel promised. “My brother is a sentimental creature, and he was aware of your struggles, your uncertainties, and your fears when he toyed with his little cupcake in that courthouse. You defied your emotions and did what was needed in his presence. That is no small feat. His presence is hard on mortals, and he is aware of how mortals react. You shouldered the burden of his presence far better than most, and he disgusted you. You did not fear him. He does not even suspect you are the one who held the grudge, although it will occur to him once he stops and thinks about it. He trusts Diana’s magic, and he allowed this to blind him. He will learn her magic is not without fault. In a way, you are His gift to Diana, too. You complement her. You have much you can teach each other, although I do not want to guess what you might summon should you learn Diana’s ways.”
Talking helped distract me from the pain eating away at my bones. “The incubus, to my bed each night.”
“You will not need to work much in the way of magic to accomplish that goal. You just need to call him, text him, or holler where he might hear. He will come for his evening dessert without hesitation.”
“Hey, I classify as dessert, Jonas. Does that mean I’ll be terrible for your health and prone to add pounds to your waistline?” I sucked in a breath through clenched teeth. “Why do these things always go for my fucking bones? The virus attacked my bones, too. But the doctors drugged me to hell and back to control the pain. I now recognize how well those drugs worked. Fuck!”
“It is the heart of your cancer,” the archangel explained. “Your bones were damaged beyond what modern medicine can heal, and the potion is rebuilding what you have lost. When it is done, you will begin producing blood on your own again. This is a good thing. The pain won’t last for much longer. Carry the burden the best you can, and no one here but you will judge you should you faint.”