by R. J. Blain
“Lucifer, my virus starts whining when he leaves the room. I am coming to terms with having the same damned problem, and I’m the one who told him he could do whatever he wanted during the day as long as he wandered home and didn’t sleep around.” I shrugged. “I’m still trying to figure out why everyone thinks he’s not a great guy.”
“You forced him to show you his best, just as my darling forced me to show her my best. How he behaves with you is not how he behaves with everyone else. But, he has always valued those who do difficult things.”
“Difficult as in participating in being kidnapped, earning a degree, or some other form of heroic?”
“All of the above. Neither my darling nor her brother have degrees. They were not in a position to acquire them, and while their parents were good people, they instilled certain ethics that barred them both from pursuing higher education. This has been a regret of both of theirs, as they don’t feel they can venture out in the world to learn for the sake of learning. They pursue education from the fucking assholes in residence, but they idolize having a degree. It’s always been unobtainable for them.”
My mouth dropped open, and I was powerless to close it. After several minutes of spluttering while the Devil laughed at me, I managed to reply, “Are you serious?”
“Very. My darling was so happy with your conditions for your schooling. She’s been playing mother to Diana as she goes back to school and helping her, as she missed a lot of base education. I’ll likely have you tutor Diana in some fields, as her parents were rather resistant to proper education.”
“Diana needs tutoring? You can’t be serious. She’s so smart.”
“Oh, she’s a brilliant jewel, but she missed out on so much according to her. Science conflicted with religion, and she struggles with a lot, including history. A lot of history was erased or modified for her, so she has a lot to unlearn.”
Damn. “I can help her with tutoring, and if Jonas and Darlene want to go to school, there’s no reason they can’t. They could take courses at the same time I go, although they’d need a degree plan. I’m going to guess neither will have any problems paying for their education now.”
“No, but according to them, they haven’t earned it.”
“I will beat that out of them both.”
“I see your pursuit of education is even more serious than I initially believed.” Lucifer chuckled. “Don’t beat my wife too hard, but you are more than welcome to set her on her ass regarding her education.”
“Higher education isn’t required, but if she wants it, she should get it.”
“Mortal regrets tend to cling, even long after conversion. What will your mortal regrets be, I wonder?”
I considered my life, then, as I had little to lose and much to gain, I shrugged and replied, “I got to burn your house down before I went out, so I can’t really say I have any regrets.”
Lucifer bowed his head, lifted a hand, and massaged his forehead, heaving a sigh. “My brothers warned me I should stop playing games and peek, and they laughed at me while they did it. What have I brought into my house?”
“A pyromaniac?” I suggested. “Arsonist? Honestly, when I did it, I was hoping you’d come wipe me out from existence to spare me a long decline due to my cancer, but then stuff happened, and I had certain regrets.”
“As your punishment, I’m going to make Jonas feed for at least three weeks, where you will be his captive to do whatever he wishes. You’ve been driving my entire household crazy, and you were sitting there, knowing full well you were the arsonist?”
I held up my hands in surrender. “Jonas knows I did it.”
“Well, that explains why he’s lost his complete mind. He is probably crushing so hard on you over that he can’t even see straight right now. He loves nothing more than successfully pulling a prank on me. Burning my house down and damaging only my wallet? That is one of the ultimate pranks.” Lucifer straightened, and he regarded me with interest. “You even spared the fish. Why?”
“It wasn’t their fault you’re a dick.”
A split second later, I realized what I’d said and clapped my hands to my mouth.
Rather than blasting me from existence, the Devil snickered. “If I had a penny every time my darling reminded me of my tendency to be an asshole, I would be far wealthier than I am now. She has never attempted to burn one of our homes down, but she has threatened to break windows in the main manor. She’s demolished several sections of our homes, but she’s never burned one down. Right now, we have a lava moat because she thought it was funny. She likes punting fucking assholes into the moat when they piss her off.”
“Remind me not to upset Darlene.”
“She’ll only punt you into the lava after I’ve confirmed it won’t actually hurt you. Until I find out what a spicy pony with bite is, I’m assuming you’re not yet another pony with a tendency to play with fire.”
“I burned your house down,” I reminded him.
Lucifer heaved another sigh. “Obviously, I need to throw you at more life-threatening situations until you crack and shift. This is the only solution.”
“No.”
“Sandra, I want to know.”
Why me? What had I done to deserve the Devil at his worst? Oh, right. I’d burned his house down. “So go ask your father. You are not deliberately throwing me at even more life-threatening situations. I have had enough life-threatening situations for one month.”
Lucifer scowled, but he nodded. “Letting Jonas do whatever he wants to you for three weeks is probably a life-threatening situation, truth be told. Incubi can get unreasonable at times, and he’s repressed. Well, formerly repressed. Right now, he’s just anxious, and well, incubi resolve anxiety through doing what they do best. I really did a great job when I made him. He’s so anxious he’s set off half the layer, which is a pretty damned good power display. If I keep him fretting for a few more days, he’ll remind all of the residents I made him—and I made him well. At the rate he’s going, he’s going to turn my many hells into quite the party. Then he’ll be even crankier because he’s taken and won’t participate in the party unless you’re there.”
“That’s a little evil,” I admitted. “On all counts. Can’t you give Jonas a break?”
“Why would I? The bastard hid my wallet behind my wife’s milk.”
“You deserved it, I’m sure. Just like you deserved having to rebuild your mini mansion.” I slumped in my seat. “You weren’t supposed to find out about the arson thing, because everyone kept telling me you are obsessed with the arsonist. But then I kept feeling guilty because you’re not nearly as terrible as I thought. I don’t like feeling guilty.”
“Well, yes. Most people have more sense than to burn down my house. The guilt is because you have a good nature. I’ll try to help you get over some parts of it, but really, that’s part of why I picked you. Anyway, you got exactly what you deserved. Burning down my house is asking to go to hell. In your case, you’ll get there through conversion and teleportation, but it amounts to the same thing. But, knowing what I know about you, and knowing how many of your buttons were pushed in the courthouse, I should have at least considered you might be a suspect. I thought you were a clever human, not that you were a practitioner with ridiculously refined skills. In truth, I was more impressed you recovered as quickly as you did and tolerated the unexpected bullshit flung your way.”
“So much bullshit,” I muttered.
The Devil chuckled and nodded. “The amount of bullshit you contended with in that courtroom was absurd, and I was only a fraction of the absurdity. For the record, the attorney who tossed you to the wolves did so hoping you would crack, as he doesn’t appreciate women working as attorneys. He intended to lie about your general performance to your school, but I put an end to that. I may have hinted honesty was the best policy, and I would be submitting my own report about the performance of the student seeking a legal degree.” Shrugging, Lucifer hopped to his feet and headed for the do
or. “I earned you lighting that match. I tested you, and you stood steady. It isn’t a sin to ask for mercy in the face of an impossible obstacle, either. Your cancer was one such obstacle. Requesting mercy isn’t a sin. You didn’t want to suffer, and you were already suffering. Your rationale, by that point, was likely halfway to the grave along with the parts of your brain the cancer had killed, but you had the right idea. You just got a different solution than you bargained for.”
No kidding. “Why aren’t you smiting my ass and taking me to hell, anyway?”
Halting at the entry to the kitchen, the Devil regarded me with a raised brow. “I’m taking you to hell, and I get to annoy you every day for your long life. I know my heavenly father well. He would make you a species as long lived as my darling’s brother, which means you’ll outlive my unicorns by at least a thousand years. Incubi simply don’t age out of their prime, although they can be killed. They’re not immortal in that sense, but they’re as close as it gets. That’s why my darling is a succubus. He wanted to make sure she would endure until even the End of Days. He can be a sentimental fool at times.”
“Pot,” I accused.
“I can be, but let’s keep that a little secret between us.”
“Anyone who knows you already knows.”
“You are a cruel spicy pony with bite.”
“The words ‘spicy pony with bite’ imply something other than sparkles and farting rainbows, Lucifer.”
“I’m telling my wife, and she’ll love you even more, and then you’ll never be able to escape my clutches,” he warned, before heading out to retrieve the documentation from the SUV.
I debated trying to make a run for it, but after some careful consideration, I determined if the forces of hell didn’t hunt me down and take me back, the meddling forces of heaven would.
Sixteen
How could otters be a problem?
The Devil grilled me about my short stay at the lab, grabbed the route I’d taken from the SUV’s navigation system, and teleported away, leaving me to investigate my mountain of stolen paperwork and skim through their research. The research went right over my head, although I did my best to record the primary subject, separate the pages of each study, and make a list of what the fucking assholes had been working on.
They had twenty pages dedicated to me, including their sources. The CDC’s records made up the bulk of the information, although they’d gotten a hold of my college transcript. To my relief, there was no mention of my parents.
Had my parents become a target, I would have been on a quest to determine if a spicy pony with bite could tear down the entire operation.
“Don’t think things like that,” the Devil complained from behind me. “When you think things like that, I think it’s a good idea. Can a spicy pony with bite tear down the entire operation? Honestly, I’d love nothing more than if you stole the show.” Sitting down at the table, he snorted, and according to the trail of smoke coming from his nostrils, something had tripped his trigger.
I needed to leash the Devil—or put a bell around his neck so he stopped sneaking up behind me. Once my heart ceased its attempts to escape my chest and run away, I asked, “What has you worked up?”
“I know who they were dissecting in that lab.”
Fuck. That Lucifer might know the victim hadn’t crossed my mind. “I’m really sorry I sprayed him down with the fire extinguisher.”
“He would have found your murder method absolutely hilarious. He was a vampire out of Chicago, and I’m not looking forward to notifying his maker about what had happened to his child. This just became a great deal more complicated, as I’ll need to work with the underground in Chicago now on this case. This is a problem because of the otters.”
Wait. The otters? How could otters be a problem? “Why are my otters a problem?” I demanded.
“Your otters aren’t a problem. The problem is that the vampire in charge of the Chicago brood is very fond of an otter shapeshifter and his mate, who is a badger. As this lab is studying otters, and has been for a while, he might be a target. We need to find out if they’re being hunted. That pair goes undercover often, working for the FBI as agents. If they’re undercover, we’re going to have to get them out of whatever they’re working on and back to Chicago or somewhere safe. We can’t afford for the vampire brood out of Chicago to go on a rampage. Having the vampire as an ally isn’t a bad thing, but he will take it too far, and if he involves his allies, we’re going to have problems.”
I found it interesting Lucifer refused to tell me the names of the vampire or the undercover FBI agents. “Can you give me an idea of what sort of problems we’ll have?”
“The kind where the Chicago vampires rise up and start slaughtering anyone with any form of connection to these labs. There would be a lot more bodies than what we’re currently producing, which would put the vampires in the line of fire. The Chicago brood is on the verge of earning their souls back, and it’ll set my plans back for decades if this operation undoes my hard work.”
I suspected Lucifer lived to confuse me. “Okay, I’m lost. Why is it important for vampires to have their souls back?” I’d heard about the soulless state of vampires as a consequence of Wishing Well’s activities, but I hadn’t heard any rumors about vampires being able to get their souls back.
“At current, there are two vampires who have their original souls. One is a fluke, and the other was redeemed by one of the facets of death. The fluke is the result I’m looking to cultivate—a vampire created without a soul needing to be imprisoned. Vampires break the balance, and in order to keep the End of Days from continuing to encroach on this era, they have to be brought back into balance. One body, one soul. Not one body, two souls, or two bodies fighting over a single soul. One body, one soul. The Chicago brood has one body and one soul, but the souls are scrambled, and this classifies as two bodies fighting over a single soul. The souls switched bodies, essentially held hostage. As the bodies are in close proximity to each other, the original soul is still linked to the original body. For example, let’s say you, Diana, and Darian are vampires. Your soul would be in Darian’s body, Darian’s soul would be in Diana’s, and Diana’s soul would be in your body. You’re scrambled. But, as you, Darian, and Diana tend to be in somewhat close proximity, your soul in Darian’s body is still guiding your psyche although Diana’s soul is what is keeping your body actually animated. Your original soul would be fighting with the soul inhabiting your body. That’s what’s happening in Chicago’s brood, except there’s a catch.”
While I expected my question would lead to even more confusion, I asked, “What’s the catch?”
“The souls are beginning to shift back towards their original bodies. One day, they’ll all be in close proximity, and the whole lot of them will have their souls snap back to where they belong. They’ll still be vampires and require blood, because that part of their magic cannot be cured, but they’ll no longer be considered soulless entities. Standard vampires are incapable of things like love. They’re creatures of greed and ambition, preying off humans and other animals. Truth be told, the Chicago brood regained that part of their soul long ago, through the intervention of some caretakers. It’s a taught trait for them, not a natural one, as it is with humans with intact souls. But, they’re still missing that vital part of themselves. Once that changes, the cursed vampires will likewise be able to return to the balanced state. The cursed vampires have two souls—one soul that’s imprisoned, and the vampiric soul, which has taken over the body. That was the universe’s punishment for attempting to gain immortality.”
“And I’m still lost,” I announced, and I slapped my hand to the stack of papers I’d been reading. “How is that relevant to this?”
“Vampires enjoy turning victims to give themselves amusement for a long period of time. Should the Chicago brood become involved, they’ll lose their opportunity to get their souls back, which will ultimately ensure the vampires remain cursed—and add to the risk of
the End of Days. So, this is just yet another problem this operation has created with their foolishness.”
“Is that why you’ve been so overworked? This group has created so many consequences that you’re trying to mitigate them all and can’t keep up?”
Lucifer took hold of my wrist, lifted my hand from the stack of papers, and began flipping through the sheets. “Precisely.”
“And they want the End of Days?”
“I don’t know. I suspect they just want to control life itself, which is a violation of the universal rules. There are restrictions on how we can meddle with and change souls, and the balance must be maintained. I suspect He has made you similar to how he made Diana; she is a being with a rather diverse soul. She can manipulate holy fire and hellfire, and she is a rather balanced being. Darian is becoming balanced like her as she converts him. I’m not sure what you are. Your soul is still in flux. And if I look too closely at it, I might discover what you are, and that would ruin the fun.” Lucifer pulled out a page and handed it to me. “This is the lead vampire of Chicago.”
I checked the page to discover a biography of a man named Ernesto Saven. He was listed as a major crime lord who ruled over a rather sizable chunk of Chicago. “This guy is in the big leagues?”
“Yeah, he’s a heavy hitter in the crime world. The vampire you saw being dissected is one of Saven’s prized children, turned shortly after the first surge of magic in this era calmed down. Saven knows his child was killed, as he’s bound to all he creates. I claimed the body, and I’ll have some of the fucking assholes put him back together and record the damage. That will give me enough time to make a deal with him, or so I hope. The vampires can be moody, and he likely grieves. I can make arrangements for the seed, however, which will give me a good bargaining chip.”
“You have the seed?” I grimaced at the thought of the vampire being told his child had gone to visit the Devil to pay for his sins.