“Same thing. Being a friend is one thing. Sleuthing, whichsounds much safer than it is, is another. Let the police handle it. You know what happened to you last time.”
No one in my life would let me forget. “Someone has to help him. Even the police think he did it. I’m not so sure.”
“And how do you know?”
“I don’t. Not for certain. But I just don’t think he’s guilty.”
“That isn’t good enough. You’re makingme tense.”
“You don’t have to worry about me, Lisa.”
“Let me be the judge of that.” She worked in silence for a few minutes. “Is there something else going on with you physically?”
“Why do you ask?”
“You’re literally fighting your own body. What’s up?”
I didn’t say anything.
“What is it, Mandy Bell? Spill it.” She brushed back a lock of dark-chocolate-colored hair and stopped to refresh her hands with a fragrant lemongrass oil.
“Since the murder, when I’ve been with Jazz——”
“You’re not having sex with him, are you?”
“No, I don’t mean I’vebeen with him. I mean…it’s like we’re gasoline and fire.”
“You mean you’re fighting with him?” Her hands went back to work on my neck.
“No, we’re not fighting. Well, yes, we are, but I always fight with Jazz. What I mean is we’re an inferno. It’s like suddenly, we can’t keep our hands off each other. It’s not like before.”
“That worries me. It sounds like the law of diminishing returns is at work. You need more and more stimulation to achieve the same…I don’t know, high or something. It’s like an addiction in a way.”
“You think I’m getting addicted to touching him?”
“I’m saying you seem to need more.”
“That doesn’t sound good.”
“It would be fine if you were engaged and planning to be wed soon, but you’re not. As I work on you, I get a sense that you’re at war with your body. All this stuff is going on. You’re bearing a lot of burdens right now. Heavy ones. You’re like…a donkey!”
Okay, that whole donkey image did not please me.
She went on, “You said your prayer life isn’t what it should be, and you aren’t the best at attending church right now. What kind of support and accountability do you have to help you deal with all this stress, not to mention the temptation of having a very good-looking, very needy man in your life?” She paused in her lecture, kneading me harder. “And now you want to look sexy for him.”
“Who says it’s for him?”
“If it were for you, why choosenow to get sexy? Girlie, how long do you think your purity is going to last with a man like that? And I’m going to go out on a limb here, but my guess is that he’s not quite himself right now. How can you expect him to have the strength to be godly at a time like this?”
“He’s not strong, though he’s trying. And I’m trying, too. I’m resisting him, Lisa, as much as I can.”
“What are you going to do?”
“He wants me to stay away from him until this mess is straightened out.”
“Smart man. But are you?”
“What do you mean? Of course I’m going to do what he says.”
“I know you, my friend. You’re not going to stay away.”
“I am, Lisa.”
“You’re in over your head.”
“I know.”
“Can you go away? Go to the cabin and chill by the lake. You won’t have clients during the holidays. Just go up there with your Bible and a couple of books. In fact, leave the books.”
“I can’t leave.”
“Not if you think you’re going to save someone, you can’t.”
“I’m not trying to save him.”
“Exactly what are you trying to do?”
“I don’t know. I just want to help him. He’s my friend.”
“He’s more than that, and you know it.”
I let out a deep, cleansing breath. “I dunno, girl. I keep reaching into my bag of tricks to find something to help me figure this out, and I keep coming up empty. I can’t intellectualize this. I’m a bundle of feelings right now.”
“In a body that’s desperately trying to contain all those feelings. You’re going to blow a gasket if you don’t find release.”
I laughed. “That didn’t sound very clinical.”
“I’m not a psych major anymore. I can be my sassy Southern self. Are you sure you’re not going to be hanging around him?”
“Yes. He told me to stay away. I think he means it.”
“Don’t be too sure about that. Can I tell you something as a sister in Christ?” She made feathery movements up and down my spine.
“Uh-oh,” I said. “‘Sister in Christ’? You’re about to slam me, aren’t you?”
“No. Now, can I tell you?”
“Go ahead.”
She stopped working, stepped around to face me, and fixed those blue eyes on mine. “Things are happening. Awful things. If you two aren’t careful, you’re going to do what’s natural and find consolation in each other. You could easily end up in bed together, because both of you are vulnerable. Then what are you going to do?”
Slam!
I took a deep breath. I didn’t have an answer for her.
chapter fourteen
IFELL INTO A FITFUL STATEof unrest after making all the phone calls possible to concerned friends and family. I talked on the phone until one in the morning, glad for the distraction, but in the quiet of the night, I couldn’t stop thinking about my conversation with Lisa.
You could easily end up in bed together, because both of you are vulnerable. Then what are you going to do?
I thought sleep would be a welcome reprieve from my inner chaos. At last I dozed. However, under an hour later, I heard a loud pounding at my door. I scrambled to rouse myself and stumbled into the living room.
I glanced at Amos’s cage. I feed him, keep his cage clean, but does he protectme ? Nary a sound. Obviously, his repertoire did not include barking to actually ward off people about to break my door down in the middle of the night. I gave him a dirty look. I hadn’t made it past the couch when I heard a key go into the lock.
Is that Ma? Or Carly?And with the ordinary magic of opening a door with a key, presto! My door opened. “Jazz!”
“Not so loud. You’ll wake your neighbors.”
“And you don’t think anybody heard all that pounding?”
“I pounded thoughtfully.”
“When did you get a key to my apartment?”
“When I purchased the locks.”
“I didn’t say you could have a key.”
“I buy the locks, I get a key.”
“No wonder the guy only gave me one set. I just thought he was cheap! How could he give you my keys?”
“Can I help it that people assume things because we have the same last name?”
“Why are you here?”
He didn’t say anything, and I took a good look at him. I’d never seen Jazz disheveled. Even though he had on a cashmere turtleneck and jeans, he looked about as polished as Maguire. He hadn’t slept well. His face was rough with stubble. He’d definitely had more than one beer.
“You shouldn’t drink and drive.”
“I didn’t. I drank in your parking lot. A lot. No pun intended.” He smiled at me. “You can take my keys if you want to.”
“Jazz, you shouldn’t be here, especially in this condition.”
He looked me up and down. “You’re looking way too fine tonight.”
Dear Lord, so was he.
I realized I was quite underdressed. Impulsively, I looked down at what I had on. No ratty pajamas tonight. In an effort to sustain the feel-good that my new hairstyle and Lisa’s diligent body work had wrought in me, I’d put on a slinky silver gown with a slit that I’d have to do business with God about.
Jazz’s eyes told me he liked the look, and
my body told me I liked Jazz liking it.
Need a little help here, Lord.
I gathered the fabric together in a makeshift chastity belt——most unsuccessfully.
“A little late for that, baby.”
I dropped the skirt of my gown. “I’d better put something on.”
“Yeah, you’d better.”
I hightailed it to my room like I was on fire, and I was! Unfortunately, he followed me. He stopped at the door. “You know, no matter what you put on, I’m not going to forget that gown.”
I sure hoped he wouldn’t. And I wouldn’t forget the smoldering look he gave me.
God! You really gotta help me out here!
“What are you going to do to stop me from running my fingers through those braids?”
That ain’t helping, God.
“Running,” I said, thinking maybe God had heard me after all, “now, that’s a plan. I’ll run as fast as I can.”
“Sounds good. I get to chase you. I’ll catch you, too.”
I couldn’t help myself. I still wanted to play naughty with him. “What if I escape?”
He gave me a slow, sexy grin. “You won’t want to before I’m through with you.”
“Can you excuse me, please?” I wondered how I was going to resist him when he’d been drinking and his defenses were down. I didn’t need help to get my defenses down when it came to him. My body felt fine-tuned to respond to him whenever he so much as came into my line of vision.
When he didn’t move, I went back to frantically searching for my robe.
“It’s in the living room, Bell.”
“What?”
“Your useless covering. It’s on your couch.”
“My robe is not useless. It’s…” I tried to get out the bedroom door. Honestly, I really did want to do the right thing, but he blocked me with his very hot body.
“Is this silk?” He rubbed the small of my back.
I closed my eyes in ecstasy. “Um-hmm.”
“Lovely.”
“I’m glad you like it.”
“Not the gown. You’re lovely.”
“Jazz, we’re going to go in the living room, and you are going to sit on the couch. I’m going to grab my robe. There’s a Bible on the end table. You are going to sit there and read it like a good boy.”
“The Bible?”
“Yes.”
“Okay. I’ll start in Genesis, where God said a little something about it not being good for a man to be alone.”
“Okay, don’t read the Bible.”
“All that being fruitful and multiplying.”
“I said don’t read it.”
“I could read the Song of Songs…” He inclined his long body close to mine. “‘I have taken off my robe. How can I put it on again?’” He pinched my robeless waist. “Did you read the Song of Songs tonight, too?”
“That’s not in there.”
“Yes, it is, my beautiful Shulamite. She also said, ‘My beloved put his hand by the latch of the door, and my heart yearned for him. I arose to open for my beloved.’” He grunted. “I’ve got my hand by your door latch. Maybe I can get you to open for me.”
“You’ve got your hand by my door latch, all right, but I ain’t opening nothin’! Now will you move so I can get my robe? Please.”
His hands went around my waist. “‘How fair and pleasant you are, O love with your delights. This stature of yours like a palm tree——’”
“See, you’re wrong. I’m short. I’m more like a shrub.”
“‘And your breasts like——’”
I screamed, “Jazz, if you say one word about my breasts——”
“Could you cut it out? I’m trying to quote Scripture here.”
“How do you know all of that? Who memorizes the Song of Solomon?”
“I did. Last month, when I was trying to figure out how to win you back from emergent boy. Now, back to those twin fawns.”
“I don’t have fawns. They’re more like…Chihuahuas.”
Oh, Lord. How much is that enhancement going to cost me? Maybe Carly will help.
“‘Let now your breasts be like clusters of the vine, the fragrance of your breath like apples, and the roof of your mouth…’”
I swooned.
“I’ll tell you in a minute,” he said with a wicked grin. He gathered me into a kiss that left me as liquid as a puddle on the floor.
“Baby,” I whispered. I hadn’t meant to call him that, but there seemed to be two Bells, and one of them was in the mood for love. Okay, both were, but one of them was at least a little rational. She took over. “Will you wait just a minute on the couch for me?”
“You’ll hurry.”
“Um-hmm.”
Man, I did not want him to step away from me.
He squeezed me and kissed my neck. “Don’t make me wait too long.”
I smiled in answer, trying desperately not to rip his clothes off his body.
He finally got away from my bedroom door. I closed it, pushed the bed in front of it——more to protect him from me than the other way around——grabbed my cell phone, and ran into the closet. I punched Kalaya’s number as quickly as possible. She answered sleepily.
“I need help,” I said.
“Bell?Is that you? Where are you?”
“I’m in my closet.”
I could hear her struggle to wake herself. “Wha——? Your closet? Are you safe?”
“No.”
“What’s going on?”
“Jazz is here.”
“Did he hurt you? Should I call the police?”
“No. He’s quoting Scripture.”
“What?”
“He’s quoting the Bible by heart.”
“I’m sorry. I don’t see the problem.”
“It’s the Song of Solomon.”
I waited for the realization to hit her.
“Oh. Youare in trouble. What do you want me to do?”
“Come over here. I want to do it with him!”
“Now, I’ve heard of kinky, but——”
“Stop talking crazy, Kalaya. I need you to get me out of this.”
“I can’t come over. I’ve got company.”
“Then I need you to pray!”
“Why didn’t you call one of your Christian friends? I’m a backslider. God is mad at me.”
“I can’t call my Christian friends. They know Rocky, and they’d tell.”
“Who is Rocky?”
“My pastor and ex-boyfriend.”
“You dated your pastor? Ewwwwww.”
“He’s cute. And wonderful. Listen, Kalaya, everybody would be mad at me if they knew I let Jazz in and that I’m very, very interested in getting to know him better tonight. You’re the only one who doesn’t think he’s guilty. So pray! For me! Not him. You can pray for him later.”
“I told you, I’m not even alone tonight. I need prayer about that myself. God is mad at me.”
“God loves you. He’s not mad at you. And He needs you to accept Jesus as your personal savior right now, so you can help me.”
“Is that your pitch? I was expecting some really profound theological treatise full of deep psychological insight——that whole ‘The Lord is married to the backslider’ thing——and all you come up with is ‘Accept Jesus so I won’t sleep with my boyfriend’?”
“Fine! You want a pitch? How ’bout this one: God loves you and has a wonderful plan for your life. That one got alot of mileage. Now, repent so we can pray.”
“I was planning on easing into it after several thoughtful discussions with you.”
“Kalaya, the Holy Spirit is obviously working on you. Maybe that’s why He brought us together. Praise God! But if you don’t ask Jesus into your heart right now, I’m going to come over there tomorrow with some Jack Chick tracts.”
“You wouldn’t.”
“I would. I’m talking the old-school, really scary ones. I’m coming with ‘This Was Your Life,’ Kalaya. You remember that one
, don’t you? The one with the big movie screen playing every evil thing you’ve ever thought or done?”
“That’s the one that traumatized me.”
“It traumatizedeverybody . That was Chick’s point, to literally scare the hell out of us. Or scare us out of hell. Now do it.”
“All right, you spiritual bully. But you lead the prayer.”
I led her in the sinner’s prayer, the kind on the back of those tracts. By the end I could hear her sniffling. I felt terrible.
“Kal, I’m sorry. I’m so selfish. I didn’t mean to scare you.”
“It’s okay. I’m crying because…”
“Because what?”
“Because I just asked Jesus into my heart, and it feels good.”
“Glad I can help. Now can you pray forme ?”
“Um. Okay.” She whooped. “Wow. This feels so dope. I’m a Christian again.”
“Kalaya, this is aboutme !”
“You’re going to have to work on that selfish spirit.”
“Be a Christian for a week before you judge me, okay?”
“Okay. Let’s pray.”
She prayed a prayer, and honestly, it wasn’t bad for a person starting over. Carla had taught her well back in the day. I felt stronger already. By the time she’d finished and we’d talked another twenty minutes, I felt ready to brave what she’d called “all that Jazz.”
Only I didn’t hear anything out there. I hung up to go investigate.
“Jazz,” I called.
Nothing.
I pushed the bed away from the door. I slowly opened the door and peeked out. I could see him on my couch, his head lolled over to the side. He’d fallen fast asleep. And he was snoring!
I fell to my knees. “Thank you, thank you, thank you,” I mouthed to the Lord, thrusting my fist in the air. “Yes! See, Lisa, I have support. I have accountability.”
I padded back over to my bed, still not in its rightful place, grateful for another sugar-glider bark, so to speak. But Jazz was right; we’d get only so many of those. He’d fallen asleep because of the late hour and the alcohol. But what would stop us next time from going further than either of us were ready for? “Lord, don’t let there be a next time. Give us strength. And please help him through this awful crisis. Reveal Kate’s killer and bring him to justice.”
I again thought about what Lisa said about me ending up in bed with Jazz. There had to be a way to flee fornication if the Scriptures told us to do it. The Word said: no temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.
Death, Deceit & Some Smooth Jazz Page 18