I tell Frank about the love bugs and he gets a good laugh, says that if I’m going to waste my time thinking about such, I might as well go ahead and join Ida, the accordion-necked woman, at the bridge table. I do and by the end of the afternoon, I have heard about every stage of her daughter Catherine’s life and everything about Catherine’s children and Catherine’s Christmas Shoppe up in Georgia. “You can buy yourself an ornament at any month of the year,” Ida says. “Walk inside of Catherine’s shoppe, that’s shoppe with two ps and an e, mind you—sophisticated, huh?—anyway, walk in there and you get a shiver like it might be December and you’re in a snowstorm, carols playing, bells ringing.” I stare at Ida’s face, at her mouth moving in a slow drawling way, her lipstick caked like clay on her dry lips, and I long for winter, the hiss and whine of a radiator, the rattling of ancient glass windows, windows made long before anyone had heard the word thermal. I wish it were Christmas in our apartment, and Frank had just tiptoed in and slipped that bottle of White Shoulders under the tree, leaned in the kitchen to say, You’ll never guess what I just got for you. I wish I were standing in our neighborhood drugstore the first time I ever smelled that fragrance. It was a drizzly autumn day, four-thirty and already dark. I sprayed my wrists and then stepped out onto the busy sidewalk, my umbrella raised as I walked home, nothing on my mind other than the chicken I was going to cook for dinner and the calculated minutes until Frank got home. Carl was just an unnamed abstraction that we had talked about for ten years; he was the child we had finally accepted we’d never have.
Ida is still talking, her voice like a buzz, while I see myself up on a chair, reaching to throw old wool blankets over the curtain rods to close out the whistling air, while Carl at ten months holds onto the coffee table and pulls himself up in a wobbly stance. I want to feel the sting of cold; to pull a wool hat down close around my face; to huddle into a seat on the train, Carl pulled close on my lap while we draw in warmth from the strangers collected there, alive to the flashing lights and popcorn smells, the surfacing to daylight and the cold gray sky, the river frozen like a sheet of glass, lights thrown in crazy patterns onto the trees in the Boston Common.
“Then you walk out and it’s ninety-odd degrees, what do you think?” Ida asks. She is staring and I nod at her, returned suddenly to a much older body, a much quieter life, weather so eternally hot and humid that I feel like I might fly out and fling myself into the grille of a car. If I am going to sweat like a pig, then let me do it in Fenway Park or Filene’s Basement. Let me have a purpose and a little dignity. “I said if there’s something you want and can’t find, Catherine could send it to you.” Ida pauses and takes a sip of her fruity drink, some concoction I have refused. (It is always happy hour in the ambulatory senior citizens’ park.)
“I like birds on my tree,” Ida says. “Every year Catherine sends me a few new birds. You can’t wait until December to get your ornaments. Any time of year is good. I want some woodpeckers, you know sort of a comical bird, for the grandbabies.” I watch her neck, imagining strains of “Lady of Spain.” All of a sudden I feel the hideous speckled nausea that comes just before fainting. I have to wipe my face with a tissue I dip in my ice water. I have to breathe deeply.
“My son and his family will be here,” I finally tell her, though this is something we haven’t decided for sure. Frank says we will not be making the long trip home, so we are hoping they’ll come. Still, I know that if I were Anne and settled there in Brookline, her parents and siblings close by in New Hampshire, I would not drive to Hades to see anybody. “I have a simple tree, a biodegradable tree, popcorn, cranberries. I don’t buy ornaments.”
“Well.” Ida is speechless for a fraction of a second. “Did I tell you about our son Harvey, the artist?”
“I still can’t get over those bugs,” I tell Frank late one night. Our bedroom is the width of the bed, and its ceiling curves with air vents. “I mean, what are they doing? Why don’t they just stay put?” I know that he knows what I am insinuating but he just squeezes my hand.
“I know what’s got you worried,” he says, referring once again to what has him worried, hurricane season and what Carl calls The Mobile Home Tornado Theory. “First sign of a storm and we’ll just move our cinder blocks aside and drive inland. There’s nothing holding us down.”
“Sounds easy enough,” I say, knowing that he’s describing what we’ve already done. Frank wasn’t running to this new place as much as he was running away from our old one. First sign of a storm (or old age—legs that can’t make the apartment stair climb, bones too brittle to risk icy sidewalks) and we’ll just move. It makes me ache to picture our home at night, the familiar shapes and shadows of our belongings. Maybe Frank had a similar vision at one time, a picture of one of us sitting there alone, nothing to break the silence but the distant hum of a passing train. Maybe he felt the unknown survivor should begin letting go by degrees, throwing off old treasured relics that would only become burdens when the other one was gone. He knew, for example, that I would never stare out at this golf course and see any bits of our past. He would never look at the cheap flip-down table and be reminded of my elaborate holiday dinners. He didn’t take time to see that the memories would be there all the same, that they might even be heightened by the strangeness of an unfamiliar place. I suppose he thought when one of us died the other could simply move away from the grief. His plan of action was as simple as taking a dying house cat from its home. Or maybe he didn’t see any of these things; maybe an instinct to run had come to him out of nature without realization or explanation.
“As for the bugs,” he says, “what’s foolish is that they don’t stop and stay right here for a while, in the lap of luxury.” He says the word luxury with a slight shake of his head, as if in awe, this impossible dream that he has convinced himself just came true.
“They have a terribly short life,” I say.
“Yeah, and the men bugs have really got it bad.” He rolls into me, his hand on my hip. In the faint glow from the streetlight in front of Ida’s double-wide, he almost looks the way I remember from the first time we met; it was the same day he poured concrete around the legs of the swingset in my cousin’s yard, a cluster of children watching. “The men bugs only have three stages of life. At least the women get that extra one.”
“Birth? That’s the bonus?” I ask. “You’re saying you’d like to give birth.”
“Well, can’t be much to laying a little egg.”
“Try a seven-pound-and-ten-ounce egg, try that,” I say, and then he pulls me close and I try to imagine us in our bedroom with the full-size window and lace panel curtains; the window overlooks a sidewalk that Frank’s daddy poured not long before the market on the corner opened. The market has fresh fruits and vegetables that the clerks arrange on tables out on the sidewalk; even in the rain, you can stand under the bright green awnings and fill your bag. Carl is a baby napping in a crib; he is a teenager sprawled in front of the TV set with that cat stretched out on his chest. I close my eyes when I feel like crying but Frank doesn’t notice; he jiggles me and laughs, pulls me closer, and I imagine Carl in his small apartment, Anne beside him. I imagine them halfway listening to each other, halfway listening for the baby’s cry, and, once again, the bathtub drained, another night unnumbered. Maybe they are too tired to hold each other, too tired to tell about the day, to say our neighbor said this to me or you’ll never believe who I bumped into when I went into the city or when I was on the train. They tell themselves that some day they won’t be so tired.
When I returned home from getting Frank his bicarbonate that Sunday afternoon, he was staring out the window, the cat nowhere in sight. I went to the kitchen to put away the things I had bought, noticing immediately that the cat food was gone, the bowls, the rubber mouse. There was a quietness as we sat and waited to hear Carl coming up the stairs. “I just didn’t think it was right,” Frank finally said when the three of us were sitting there. “House cats are deprived of nature.
” Carl shrugged, lowered his head to hide any response. “It’s just a cat,” he finally said and left the room.
Frank is snoring quietly now, his warm arm draped over my stomach. I want to wake him, to tell him that there’s no such thing as paradise; there is no Promised Land. At journey’s end, it is all a mirage, a picture of the journey itself and all we left behind. Wherever we are, here or inland or a hundred miles south, that’s all that there is. There is nothing that can make the end easier for whoever is left behind. That’s what I want to tell him but I don’t. He is sleeping so peacefully, so satisfied with the accomplishments of his life; yet, even as he sleeps, he is preparing for some day when at a moment’s notice one of us must take flight.
Waiting for Hard Times to End
I haven’t heard from my sister, Rhonda, in over a week now, and I’m starting to get worried. My boss at Thriftway Grocery, which is where I work after school, tells me there’s no reason for me to worry, that he bets Rhonda has better things to do than to sit and write out a card to me. “I know what kind that Rhonda is,” he said and laughed. I don’t like the way he laughs or the way his bushy eyebrows go up when he talks about Rhonda. “You know what kind Rhonda is, now don’t you, Bunny?” he asked, and I just shook my head and went back to counting up the cans of B&M Baked Beans.
I’m tired of being called Bunny, but nobody in this town is going to change and call me by my right name, which is Saralyn. I’ve never minded that Rhonda called me Bunny because she made it up years ago because of the way my teeth look and because she said I always look scared and on the verge of bolting off. I do feel scared sometimes but I’m not always sure why. I’d be a whole lot less scared if I’d just hear from Rhonda. She left home two years ago when I was just fourteen and I have missed her ever since. We had some times, me and Rhonda. She used to make up my eyes and take me down to Ho Jo’s, where she was the hostess. “This is my baby sister,” she would tell people, and I’d sit up straight on my stool and nod at the person. “She’s the sweetest,” Rhonda would say about me, and it made me feel so good. Sometimes Rhonda would buy me dinner, and we’d sit at one of the tables and let somebody wait on us. The man who ran Ho Jo’s would always want to sit with us and Rhonda would say, “Another time, Bill,” then wink, so she didn’t hurt his feelings. “This is mine and Bunny’s night.” Then when it started getting late, she’d put me in a taxi. “I don’t want somebody trying to pick you up. Tell Mother I’ll be home later after I’m through working,” she would say, and I would, and my mother would get red in the face and shake her head, mad that I had on blue eyeshadow and only thirteen. “Don’t you be like her,” Mama said.
I haven’t seen Rhonda in two years, but almost every single day I have gotten a postcard. I’m the only person in my family that keeps up with Rhonda; nobody else wants to hear what she has to say. Sometimes I get scared that they might not give me my card, so that’s why I’m always there when the mailman comes and why I did not go to 4-H camp last year when everybody wanted me to. They wanted me to, mainly because I had sewed the best dress and they thought I’d win our group a prize. I sew pretty dresses, all right, but they don’t look good on me because of my shape; I don’t have a shape. I have made Rhonda a pink silky party dress, which I’m saving for when she comes home.
I love the cards that she sends; no two have ever been the same. I guess that’s why I hate holidays so much—because the mail doesn’t come. The only other times that Rhonda has not written to me have been during what she calls “hard times.” When I spread all my cards on the bedroom floor, I can see that there have been quite a few hard times but never one that lasted over a week. They’ll start back real soon now. The first card to come after a hard time always says, “WHEW!” I’m expecting to get one of those any day now. Rhonda will say WHEW! and tell me what happened.
The first card I ever got was two days after she left home. She had promised she would send one; she had hugged me so tight and told me that she would always keep in touch. “You are what makes it all bearable for me, Bunny,” she had said. “You know that I love you the most?” I nodded and then she was gone and I did like she said. I didn’t tell anybody that I had seen her; I didn’t tell that she came by the Thriftway and had gotten herself a ride out of town with a man in a pickup. “There’s a man in South Carolina that I need to see,” she had told me. “He’s in love with me and I need to decide what I’m going to do.” She told me that I’d see one day that having a man in your life changes a lot of things. “But no man will ever change how I feel for you.” I stood in front of Thriftway and waved until I couldn’t see her blond hair flying out the window, couldn’t see which way the truck had gone.
The first card—a giant size—has a picture of the Honeymoon Bed in the Honeymoon Suite of Pedro’s Motel down in South of the Border, South Carolina. It is a beautiful bed with a rich-looking pink satin spread and little pillows, mirrors all around. I have never been to South of the Border, but I’ve heard of it, heard of fireworks and putt-putt ranges and gift shops and restaurants. I could’ve gone with the 4-H group last summer, but I passed because they were going to Myrtle Beach and I would’ve missed the mail for three days. Rhonda isn’t there anymore. When I first got this card I kept thinking about how wonderful it would be if I was there, how wonderful it would be if I was sitting on a stool right there near Rhonda while she introduced me to people.
Hey Bunny! I’m Mrs. Elwood Smith now. We have been married one hour. I hate you aren’t here with me. You know you’re my maid of honor and if I had known I was getting married, I would have bought you a beautiful dress (and grown-up hose and high heels!) and had you here with me. But sometimes things just happen real fast. (You will know what I mean soon enough.) Just remember, you haven’t lost a sister but gained a brother! (And you will like him better than Ned. HA!) I’m gonna live down here of course. I’ll miss you but don’t you worry! You’ll be on a bus and visiting real soon. Elwood is in the shower. (Weddings make him sweat, he says. HA!) He is a card. You will love him like he will love you. Please tell Mama and Ho Jo’s that I won’t be back! Thanx 10,000 pesos! R
Nobody was happy for Rhonda and Elwood Smith like I was. Mama and my brothers, Ned and Billy, just frowned and shook their heads. Ned and Billy are both older than Rhonda and they’re married. They married the Townsend sisters, who Rhonda always calls “The Gruesome Twosome.” “She’ll be back,” I heard Mama tell Ned and Billy. “She don’t have a pot to pee in.”
“Well, well, well,” that man at Ho Jo’s said. “Wonder what it’s costing little Rhonda Sue to live down there?”
The second card gave me all the answers, but nobody even wanted to hear about it. The Townsend sisters took me to buy some clothes, said I shouldn’t be wearing Rhonda’s hand-me-downs. I tried to tell them it was okay. She wrote real tiny on this card to fit it all on:
Bunny! Little Bunny! All of the clothes I left in my closet are for you! Elwood bought me a whole new wardrobe. See the dress Lady Di is wearing on the front of this card? Well, I have a black one just like it. Elwood doesn’t look like Charles, though, thank God. HA! He has little ears, looks more like Al Pacino, you know? I hope one day you find someone like him and can move to a nice place like where we live. I go to the beach near about every day. I have a wonderful tan. I’ll look into bus schedules to see when you can come. Elwood’s paying so don’t work too hard at the Thriftway and don’t let any boys do to you what I told you they might try! Take it easy baby, Rhonda
Mama and the Townsends cleaned out Rhonda’s closet and threw everything away. “She’ll deserve that if she thinks she can show her face here again,” Mama said, and I took Rhonda’s blue-jean jacket with the diamond-looking things sewn in and hid it. I don’t know why she didn’t take that with her except maybe she wanted me to have it.
I can shuffle Rhonda’s cards up and read ‘em like tiny stories, or I can put them all in the right order and read them like a real long letter. That’s what I do at night when Mam
a’s watching TV. Right now I feel like shuffling and trying to remember where each one fits in the big piece.
Hard times, Bunny. Forgive me for not writing. Enjoy being a little girl (you know what I mean) because being grown ain’t all nylon hose and eyeshadow. The little girl on this card made me think of you. It made me cry. Look at her digging in the sand with her little pail. She is at Myrtle Beach and soon you will be, too. I want to wait until Elwood comes home, though. Stick your tongue out at the Gruesome Twosome for me and tell Mama, “Smile. Can’t crack your face more than it’s cracked!” Just kidding. HA! Love, Rhonda
Happy Birthday! Sweet fifteen. I wish I could be there. I bought you a beautiful present but am going to save it for when you come. You keep asking when and all I know is that it depends on my job. I am moving right up in this world, work long hard hours. When you come, I can take off. I know what I was doing at fifteen and I hope you know what you’re doing! Got a fella? I bet you do! I bet you look like the front of this card. I bet you don’t even look like Bunny anymore! Buddy says, “Blow hard!” (He means the candles of course.) I’ll call you this weekend when it’s cheap. Rhonda
Crash Diet: Stories Page 12