by Sarah Bailey
“Kira…”
“Yeah?”
“Promise you won’t go anywhere. I can’t… I can’t be without you.”
Her expression cracked as if my words cut her. She knew it had everything to do with the loss I felt right then.
“I’m not leaving you. Not now. Not ever. I promise, Dukey. It’s you and me forever, okay?”
“You and me.”
She nodded, continuing to stroke my hair. How I fucking needed her reassurance.
As voices filtered along the hallway, both of us looked up to find Dad walking in with Mum behind him. The two of them came around the sofa. Dad sat down next to me whilst Mum sat by Kira’s feet and reached out, stroking her fingers along my cheek. The agony in her expression had my chest tightening.
“Sweetheart, I’m so sorry.”
I put my hand out. She linked her fingers with mine.
“Do you need anything?”
I shook my head. Nothing anyone did would make this any better. Just having them here helped a fraction. It was all I needed.
“Okay, well, E is making you some breakfast. You want it in here?”
I nodded, not trusting my voice. I didn’t want to break down again, feeling as though I’d cried a thousand tears already. The pain wasn’t quantifiable. Knowing someone you cared about had ripped themselves out of the world thoroughly gut me. Something awful must have happened. It was my only explanation for why Andie would do this. She was so happy and full of life. I’d had no indication she was suffering inside, but what did anyone really know about the real thoughts the people around you were having? Nothing. This wasn’t an event anyone could predict.
She leant forward and pressed a kiss to my temple.
“My baby boy,” she whispered, “We’re here whatever you need.”
I choked, finding my emotions threatening to overwhelm me all over again. Threatening to tear the wounds open wider. Make me bleed harder. I couldn’t face it when my body was already flooded with so much fucking pain.
I didn’t want to let Kira go, but I needed my parents too. The desolation of losing someone I was going to throw away was fucking unbearable.
“Mum.”
The agony in my voice with that single word had her face crumpling. Her fingers tightened on mine.
“It’s okay, I’m here. I’ve got you.”
Mum stayed with me until Eric came in with food and tea for me and Kira. I had to sit up to eat. My parents talked amongst themselves whilst Kira and I sat in silence together. I knew I had to eat, even though I had no appetite. When we were done, Kira wrapped an arm around me, letting me lean my head on her shoulder.
“Okay?” she whispered.
I shook my head.
“What do you need? We can sit here or maybe a distraction would help.”
I didn’t think anything could distract me from my grief and guilt over Andie’s death.
“I don’t know. Everything just hurts, Kira. All of it. I… I was going to end it and now… now she’s… she’s…”
I couldn’t say the words. The reality of it hit me square in the chest. My girlfriend was dead and I had no idea why she’d done it. Why she’d taken her own life.
“You didn’t know. It’s not something you could’ve predicted. You can’t beat yourself up over that, Dukey.”
I kept my mouth shut. Kira didn’t remember Andie texting me last night and me ignoring it. I wasn’t about to remind her. What could I have even done, anyway? I could sit here thinking about what-ifs, but they wouldn’t change the outcome. They wouldn’t bring Andie back.
After a minute, she reached for the remote and turned the TV on. She put on some trashy TV show we both enjoyed but kept it relatively quiet. I could hear my parents’ voices from behind us.
“Did he say what happened?” Mum’s voice filtered over the sofa.
“No, I don’t think he knows,” Dad replied.
“Maybe we should get in contact with her parents.”
“I’m sure her mother would have told Duke if they knew more.”
“They’ve just lost their daughter,” Eric said, “We need to leave them to grieve right now.”
I hadn’t told my parents exactly what Andie’s mother had said, but it wasn’t much. The fact she’d even thought to call me when her daughter was dead was enough.
“You’re right. We’ll give it a few days. Andie was a lovely girl. I just want to give them my condolences even though we’ve never met them,” Mum replied.
“If we get their address from Duke, we can send them flowers,” Dad said.
“Yes, we’ll do that, but I’ll ask him tomorrow. I’m sure he doesn’t want to think about all of this right now.”
Kira looked at me with a wide-eyed expression. She could hear my parents too. My head was still on Kira’s shoulder. I didn’t want to turn around.
“Are they looking at us?” I whispered.
“Yeah,” she whispered back, “They’re worried about you.”
They should be. I wasn’t coping with this very well. Outwardly, I might seem okay, but my insides were ripped to shreds.
“I’m not okay.”
“I know. You don’t have to be. It doesn’t matter if you were going to end it, you still cared about her.”
“I did… guess you’re right.”
She reached up and stroked my face. I hated myself for the way her touch affected me. It shouldn’t soothe me and make me crave more of it. Not after what happened today. But didn’t I deserve some kind of comfort? Even if I’d fucked up by ignoring Andie’s texts, I wasn’t at fault for what happened to her. It’s like Kira said, I couldn’t have predicted it. It didn’t make me feel any better about it. The whole thing was messed up.
“When you’re ready to talk about it, I’m here, okay?”
I nodded, even though I wasn’t sure if I’d ever be able to tell her the full extent of my feelings. Not like I could come out and tell her I was in love with her and I wanted her to be the one I shared everything with. It was fucked up I even felt this way, especially since it was the real reason I was going to break up with Andie. How could I ever admit to that now Andie was gone?
“Thank you,” I whispered.
Even if I couldn’t tell Kira the truth, I could still be grateful for her presence. I could allow myself that much, even though I felt like I deserved nothing. Everyone needed someone. Kira was my someone. She always had been. And I think she always would be.
Chapter Nine
I swear my heart was shattered into a tiny million pieces for Duke. What he was going through was awful. I’d done my level best to be there for him over the rest of the weekend, but come Monday, I had to go back to school. The headteacher had been good about giving Duke time off because of what happened, but he’d eventually have to come back too.
Duke didn’t want to talk about Andie or what she’d done. The only update we’d had from her parents was that an autopsy would be done given the circumstances surrounding her death. They would have to wait for the results. We still didn’t know how Andie had done it, or even why. Duke had been reluctant to ask. He’d ended up giving the phone to Xav because the whole thing was too much for him to deal with. Shit, we were only sixteen. How did anyone deal with the fact someone they knew had committed suicide? It was especially hard for Duke. I knew the guilt ate him up inside because he was going to break up with Andie, even if he didn’t say it. I could see it in his eyes. I could read it in his expression. And I hated it. Hated he felt that way and how I couldn’t do more for him.
How I wished I could take his pain away. Take some of his burdens from him, then he wouldn’t feel so fucking desolate. Seeing him hurting only hurt me too. I loved him too much not to be affected by his emotions. By his feelings. No one ever tells you how excruciating loving someone can be, especially when that someone is suffering.
I’d gone home after school because Dad would be expecting me. I wanted to
go to Duke, but he had his family with him. I was sure he’d be okay. I’d texted him earlier and he replied. Didn’t stop me from wanting to see for myself how he was doing.
I set the plates down on the table for me and Dad, having made dinner for the two of us. My aunt had taught me a few recipes before she died. I was pretty decent at cooking. I sat down across from him.
“This looks good,” he told me with a smile as he picked up his knife and fork.
Dad was doing really well at the moment. His tremors were almost non-existent. He had good weeks and bad ones. He’d been at Parliament today, easing back into his role slowly. I was proud of him for keeping at it and never giving up. I wasn’t sure what he’d do if he couldn’t continue working.
“Thanks,” I said, tucking in myself.
We ate in silence for a few minutes, me wondering how to broach the subject of the future with him. Duke might not remember what he’d dared me to do, but I did. I was going to do it because I had to. That was our pact. Carry out our dares or forfeit. And I wasn’t about to do the latter. I’d never forfeited a dare he’d issued me with.
“How is Duke doing?” Dad asked before I could form a sentence myself.
“He’s not great.”
“I can imagine, losing anyone is difficult, but to lose someone that way… well, it’s terrible.”
I nodded. Dad had lost Mum and we’d both lost Aunt Bess. Grief affected everyone differently. Duke was barely dealing with his.
“It is. I don’t know why she would do such a thing. She seemed so… happy.”
Dad gave me a sad smile.
“Sometimes the happiest people are hurting inside, darling. You can never truly know another person’s mind.”
He was right, but it didn’t stop me wishing we had known. Maybe if Andie hadn’t died, Duke could’ve been spared all this pain. I shouldn’t think like that. It was useless wishing for things that couldn’t be. Life rarely worked out the way you wanted it to. Andie’s death was a harsh lesson for everyone who knew her, but particularly for my best friend. He carried the weight of his guilt over knowing he was about to end his relationship with her. I was sure there had to be more to it, but he wasn’t in a place to open up to me right now.
“I wish there was more we all could have done, you know.”
“I know. It’s a tragedy, especially for someone so young.”
I nodded, digging back into my food. Thinking about Andie upset me. I’d been the absolute worst to her without her even knowing. Inside, I’d been jealous and insecure over her relationship with Duke. It didn’t matter how many times I told myself it was wrong, it didn’t change my feelings. Now she was dead. It made it much worse. I hated every part of me that harboured such ill towards her.
“Dad…”
“Yes, darling?”
“I need to talk to you about something.”
He looked up from his plate, canting his head to the side as if to urge me to go on.
“I think I know what I want to do with my life.”
The way he smiled at my words, making the crinkles around his eyes prominent, put me at ease.
“And that is?”
“To work in the games industry. It’s the only thing I’m passionate about. I’ve been looking into the degrees I can do for games development and I’m taking all the right subjects to help me get into uni. Plus, Xav’s been teaching me coding and things like that outside of school. It’s what I’d love to do, programming.”
His expression didn’t change, which gave me some hope he was okay with it.
“I can show you where I’m thinking I want to apply to… if you’d like.”
Dad set down his knife and fork and reached out a shaky hand across the table. I set my own down and took it. He gave my fingers a squeeze.
“My darling girl, I think it’s wonderful you’ve decided what you’d like to do. Of course, I’d love to see what you have planned. Nothing would make me happier.”
My heart swelled. Duke had been right. Dad would support me no matter what. I couldn’t wait to tell my best friend. But then my heart sunk again when I remembered how miserable and broken Duke was right now. How could I be happy when he was suffering?
“I’m happy to hear you say that, Dad. It’s been on my mind, you know, the future. Duke kept telling me I shouldn’t worry so much as no one has it all worked out when they’re sixteen, but I couldn’t help it. What if I ended up taking the wrong degree? It would make it feel futile.”
“Nothing we do in life is futile, Kira. You make choices and you live with those, but no one ever said you have to stay on a path you’ve chosen if it doesn’t make you happy. Life is about learning and as long as you take a lesson away from what you’ve done, it’s never futile.”
My father’s words reassured me.
“I guess I never thought of it that way.”
He chuckled.
“You’re still young, darling. They say wisdom comes with age, but I believe it comes with experiences.”
“Well, in your case, it comes with age too.”
Dad only laughed harder.
“Cheeky girl.”
I gave him a wink and let go of his hand to go back to my food. He knew I wasn’t really insulting him or his age.
“Tell me more about why you’d like to pursue games development.”
I swallowed my mouthful and took a sip of water.
“Well, it started when Xav got me into programming after he showed me how their online casino worked behind the scenes. I guess I got fascinated by it all. Creating websites and those types of things doesn’t interest me, but games…”
“Games are your kryptonite.”
I laughed. Dad had always encouraged me to do the things I loved, which included indulging my little gamer heart. He hadn’t allowed me to get any games which were eighteen rated, but I’d played plenty of those at Duke’s. His parents were more lenient. I didn’t blame Dad. He was a politician and therefore had to uphold certain standards in his own life. He believed in having integrity and had instilled it in me. I hadn’t always listened or done the right thing, but I tried to.
“Look at you making a Superman reference.”
“You keep me appraised of what the kids say these days.”
Dad gave me a wink this time and tucked into his food.
“Superheroes aren’t just for kids, Dad. I told you about Rory’s comic collection.”
Rory was the quietest and most introspective of Duke’s dads. Whilst he rarely let anyone into his personal space, I had been allowed to see his collection a few times. He had known me since I was four. Duke’s family considered me one of them.
“Ah yes, the infamous wall of comics.”
I grinned. Rory told me Quinn had the bookshelves custom-built for him and they’d been added to over the years as his collection expanded. It was certainly a sight to behold, but maybe I was just nerdy and thought those kinds of things were cool. Not sure too many girls would be interested. Aurora certainly wasn’t.
“I’m kind of jealous. It’s not like I’m into comics, but he has all sorts of limited editions and everything. It’s like Xav’s crazy old school collection of Funko Pops. They’re totally worth something these days.”
“I’ve always thought you’ve ended up with four extra surrogate fathers and a mother, what with how Duke’s family has welcomed you into theirs.”
My heart skipped a beat. In so many ways, Duke’s family had made me feel as though I belonged with them.
“It doesn’t bother you, does it?”
Dad’s eyebrows shot up.
“Why on earth would it? I’m happy you have them… they’ll be there for you when I’m gone.”
The thought of losing my dad made my chest ache. I hated it when he reminded me of the fact he was the only living family I had. It made me far too aware of his mortality and how lost I would be without him.
“Dad…”
&
nbsp; “I’ve got years left in me, don’t you worry. I’m merely saying you have a family no matter what, even if they’re not of your blood. They treat you like their daughter and it gives me peace of mind for the future.”
I could understand what he was saying, but I couldn’t lose him. Not yet. Dad was everything to me. He’d been my mother and father. My sole parent. Aunt Bess had done all she could to be my mother figure, but she hadn’t replaced my own mother.
“I don’t like it when you talk like that. It makes me worry about the future. I need you here, Dad. You’re the most important person in my life.”
He gave me a smile.
“I thought that was Duke.”
I took a sip of my water.
“Well, he is, but you’re my dad. I only get one of those.”
He reached out and patted my hand before going back to his food, effectively closing off the conversation. I didn’t blame him. Any time either of us discussed the future, the tension between us thickened, especially considering his Parkinson’s. It was an ever-looming shadow hanging over us. Reminding the two of us about how precious life was and how you had to fight to hold on to it. Now more than ever, I was aware of the fragility of life because someone could be torn away in the blink of an eye.
It made me want to reach out to Duke. To see him and hold him. To make his pain go away because fuck, if I didn’t understand his suffering. I wanted to be his painkiller. And I think I would do anything he asked if it helped him.
Chapter Ten
Going back to school after almost a week off was difficult. I had people staring at me like ‘that’s the boy whose girlfriend killed herself’ and it fucking sucked. Every look reminded me of the fact Andie was dead. Every time one of the teachers offered their condolences, I felt worse. It’s like they didn’t understand I had no interest in talking or thinking about it more than I already was. It hurt enough without them saying fucking sorry all the time.