by Sarah Bailey
“The messages she sent, the ones I ignored…”
Duke sat back, pulled out his phone, fiddled with it and handed it to me. I looked them over, putting my hand to my mouth. The whole thing disgusted me on a level I’d never felt before.
“He must have been the last person to see her alive.”
I handed the phone back to Duke, grabbed his bag, unzipped it and tugged out the bottle of rum and coke. Duke watched me unscrew the top and knock back a huge gulp. It burnt going down my throat, but I didn’t care. It took the edge off the horrifying implications of those text messages in light of what the police had revealed to Duke.
“That’s fucked up,” I finally said, handing the bottle to Duke.
He sipped at it, eyeing me with surprise as if he never expected me to be the first to drink.
“Just a little.”
“No, not a little, a lot fucked up.”
“She told me a few weeks ago he was acting strangely, but then she brushed it off like it wasn’t a big deal.”
I took the bottle from Duke and drank deeply. I’d always found the way Andie talked about her brother odd and now, this had only brought the uneasy feeling back. Clearly, something had been going on between the two of them. Something neither Duke nor I was privy to.
“Do you think that’s why she did it?”
He shrugged.
“Who knows. There was no note. No explanation. I don’t know if we’ll ever know… and it fucking sucks.”
I reached out and laced our fingers together. He gave me a grateful look.
“It doesn’t help with closure.”
“As if I’ll ever have closure. How can I when I feel all this guilt?”
None of what happened was his fault.
“You can’t blame yourself.”
“I wanted to end our relationship. I was with you when she was going through all of that. Do you think it makes me feel good? I ignored someone in their hour of need.”
I placed the bottle on the ground to make sure it wouldn’t fall over and turned to him.
“Those text messages didn’t indicate she was going to do something so drastic. What do you think you could’ve done anyway, Duke?”
“If I’d seen the texts and called her, maybe I could have changed the outcome.”
I shook my head.
“You don’t know that. You can never know that.”
“It doesn’t matter. I still hate myself for not responding to her.”
My fingers tightened around his. It hurt to hear him say it. None of this was his fault. He wasn’t responsible for what happened to Andie, and at this point, we had no idea if what we assumed happened with her brother was the truth.
“We don’t know what happened. The police are trying to work that out. If they know she had sex, maybe they have DNA evidence and can establish who it was, but we can’t make assumptions as to what she went through or why she did it. It’s not going to help matters.”
He sighed and leant over, picking up the bottle of rum and coke. He drank deeply before leaning against the bench and tipping his head back.
“I know you’re right, but I can’t help it. I just can’t, Kira. It’s all too fucking painful.”
“What else can I do?”
I had to know what he needed. What would give him a reprieve from the pain he was experiencing? From all the fucked up thoughts clearly running around in his head.
“Talk to me about something else.”
I looked out across the grass, wondering what I could say.
“I did your dare.”
As I turned back to Duke, he lowered his head and stared at me.
“You told Stan?”
“I did.”
“Why didn’t you tell me before?”
I gave him a look.
“As if it matters when you’re going through all this shit.”
He tugged me closer to him by our joined hands.
“You matter more than anything else in this fucking world to me, Kira.” His other hand was still holding the bottle, but he reached up and brushed the tips of his fingers over my hair. “What’s important to you is important to me.”
I swallowed, feeling tingles running down my spine at his simple touch.
You can’t go there. You know you can’t.
But I wanted it. I craved Duke’s touch. His affection. I wanted his hands on me in places no one else’s had been. I couldn’t think about anything else as he stared at me with those intense blue eyes of his, trying to tell me how much I meant to him.
“He’s happy for me. He asked a ton of questions about what universities I want to apply to, what area of games development I’d like to get into. I knew he’d be supportive, but this meant so much. I felt hope, you know, that he’d be there to see me succeed.”
Duke smiled. The sight of it had me swooning internally. It was terrible, but now Andie was gone, I no longer felt as guilty for my feelings towards Duke.
“This calls for a celebration.”
“What kind of celebration?”
He drank deep and then gave me the bottle, encouraging me to drink more too. Neither of us had eaten dinner. It was already going to my head. Guess Duke had made it pretty strong.
“One between you and me. To the fucking future, even if right now it feels like shit.”
He took the bottle from me and held it up to the sky, making me laugh even though it wasn’t really funny.
“Fuck you, world,” he called out, “Fuck you for all the bullshit you put us through.”
“Shh, someone will hear you and find us. Did you forget we’re underage?”
“Who gives a shit? What they going to do? Give us a lecture? Fuck that.”
I couldn’t help grinning as he passed me the bottle again.
“Reckon your parents would lecture us if they found out we stole a bottle of rum.”
Duke laughed.
“It’s not really stealing. Just borrowing. Also, it’s not like I took the whole thing.”
“I’m sure they’ll see it that way.”
He waved me off, leaning back against the bench again.
“They can deal. I think my girlfriend killing herself is ample excuse to do stupid shit.”
I raised an eyebrow.
“Is that your excuse?”
He winked, making me laugh.
“Yeah, it fucking well is.”
“Fine, if we’re going to do reckless shit, then we might as well make a night of it. I dare you to down the rest of this.”
Duke looked between me and the bottle in my hand. I didn’t think any of this was a good idea, but if this is what Duke wanted, then I was on board.
“Give it here then.”
I handed him the half-empty bottle. He gave me another wink before letting go of my hand. I watched him tip his head back and put the bottle to his lips. My mouth watered watching his throat work, swallowing it all down.
What is wrong with you?
I clearly couldn’t contain myself. There was no turning off the desire coiling in my stomach. Every part of Duke drew me in and made me want him.
He smiled when he finished, setting the bottle down in the gap between us. Then he ran a hand through his light auburn hair.
“We need more booze,” he muttered.
“Are you sure that’s a good idea when we’ve not eaten?”
He shrugged and leant down, digging out the crisps and chocolate he’d snagged from his bag. He opened up one of the big bags of crisps he’d bought and held it out to me. I shook my head, but took it and dug in. This would not soak up the alcohol we’d consumed. He opened his own bag and we sat in silence for a while, listening to the sounds of London around us.
“Do you think we’re supposed to go through all this bullshit so young?” he asked, glancing over at me.
“Don’t know.”
“Some people would call it character building. What a fucking joke.”
>
I nodded, stuffing more crisps in my mouth before chewing and swallowing.
“More like a lesson in how shit the world is.”
He scoffed.
“Didn’t need another one. Already get given the brunt of people’s shit coming from the family I do.”
Most people didn’t want to understand his parents’ relationship. It was normal for me. I’d grown up with them, watched the way they interacted. They loved fiercely and were such a strong unit. Plus, they were basically my extended family in a lot of ways.
“People suck.”
“You’re telling me.”
We lapsed into silence again as we watched the sky turn darker and the streetlamps came on. I don’t think either of us cared how much time had passed since we left Duke’s house. Content to sit in each other’s company and watch the world go by whilst consuming our snacks.
Eventually, Duke stood up and stumbled a little on his feet. I was up in an instant, all the blood rushing to my head. I almost fell into him. He steadied me and himself, looking down at me with a frown.
“I think I’m a bit tipsy,” he announced a moment later.
“You think?”
He chuckled and picked up his bag, stuffing everything inside before slinging an arm around my shoulder.
“Let’s raid my parent’s drinks cupboard when we get in.”
“Not sure you should have any more.”
“Spoilsport.”
“What if they catch us?”
He waved his hand.
“Then they catch us.”
I shook my head but allowed him to lead us back to his house. I had a feeling tonight’s messiness was only just about to start.
Chapter Twelve
We weren’t met by my parents at the door when we stumbled back into my house. Kira wasn’t quite as tipsy as me, but she was well on her way. We didn’t really drink as we were underage. It was the first time I’d had this much. I was happy. It had drowned out the noise in my head, numbing some of my pain.
Kira led me down the hallway into my room. I dumped my bag down and sat on the end of my bed, just about sober enough to kick off my shoes and shed myself of my coat. Kira grabbed my stuff and took it back out into the hallway to hang up. I lay back against my sheets and stared up at the ceiling, trying to rid myself of the way she’d been looking at me in the park. Kira’s coppery eyes had been so full of emotions. Like she understood my pain in a way no one else did. And all it did was make me want to be closer to her. To have her hold me and care for me.
So fucked up. You shouldn’t want anything like that from her.
What the fuck use was berating myself doing? It only made it worse. I needed to get a fucking grip.
When Kira came back, she was carrying the bottle of rum, two glasses and a bottle of coke. She set them down on my desk and poured out a measure for both of us.
“I ran into your dad in the kitchen.”
I sat up, giving her the once over.
“What did he say?”
“Well, he gave me the alcohol and told me to make sure you didn’t get too wasted after questioning me about where we’d been.”
I laughed and lay back again. Typical of my father.
“Did he also tell you we should eat something?”
“Yes.”
“And what did you say to that?”
She shrugged and brought over the glasses, setting mine down on the bedside table. She crawled on the bed and sat up against my headboard, sipping at hers.
“I conceded to his point. He’s making us something.”
I sighed, pulled myself up and sat next to her.
“He’s going to kill our buzz.”
She knocked her shoulder into mine.
“I’d rather not drink more on an empty stomach.”
“What do you want to do whilst we wait?”
Kira rested her head on my shoulder. My skin pricked from the contact, a reaction I often had around her.
“I should ask you that. You’re the one who needs cheering up.”
I had no idea what I wanted to do now we were home. Not like I wanted to go in the games room where, no doubt, my brothers were. Raphi had been with me a lot over the past week after he’d got home from school, but right now, I wanted Kira.
“Not sure really.”
The two of us did nothing but sit there in a companionable silence and sip our drinks until Dad came in with two plates full of steaming pasta. He set them down on our laps and ruffled my hair.
“You okay?”
I shook my head.
“Your mum is very worried about you. Haven’t told her about the rum or anything. She might go off the deep end. I’ll replace it tomorrow, then no one will be any the wiser.”
I gave him a smile.
“Thanks, Dad.”
He sighed and sat down, taking my hand in his.
“I know you’re hurting and I want you to know it’s okay. I get it. I’m allowing you this tonight, but speaking from experience, drinking doesn’t solve anyone’s problems. Not to mention both of you are only sixteen and I shouldn’t be encouraging this in the first place.”
“You’re not going to tell my dad, are you?” Kira asked.
Dad gave her a smile.
“Provided you both behave yourselves, I won’t tell him anything.”
“We will, Xav. I promise.”
“Good. I’ll leave you to it. Probably best to stay in here for the rest of the evening. I’ll let the others know not to disturb you.”
Kira gave him a smile and tucked into her food. He squeezed my hand before getting up and leaving the room, shutting the door behind him.
“I swear Xav is the most relaxed out of all your parents,” she commented a moment later.
“Works in our favour.”
I shovelled down my food in record time, having not realised how hungry I actually was. Kira took the plates back to the kitchen as she was more sober than me. When she came back, she locked my door behind her to keep everyone else out and turned out the main light. I’d turned on the bedside lamps whilst she was gone. I tugged her onto the bed and wrapped both arms around her. She hugged me back, giving me the affection I needed right then. My mind was a riot of emotions and feelings. I didn’t really know what was up or fucking down any longer.
“I don’t know where I’d be without you,” I whispered into her neck where my face was buried.
“You never have to find out.”
“I mean it, Kira, you’re my rock. My fucking anchor.”
“You’re mine too.”
I held her tighter, feeling her body moulding to mine. My hand slid up her back and into her hair, twirling it around my fingers. Her scent of peaches filled my nostrils. It comforted me. Made me feel safe. I nuzzled my nose into her skin. My other hand pressed her closer. It was the first time I’d allowed myself to notice the shape of her body against mine. The way she fit in my arms. How much she made me ache with longing.
“Kira,” I breathed against her neck.
I could hear her breathing growing laboured and wondered if she was feeling the same things I was. It was as if everything else had gone out the window and all I could focus on was her. Maybe it was the alcohol lowering my inhibitions. Maybe it was all my pent-up feelings for my best friend overflowing. I couldn’t stop myself from pulling back so I could stare into her coppery eyes. Her pupils were dilated and her mouth slightly parted. My eyes were drawn to her lips. The fullness of them.
A driving need to know exactly how she tasted made me lean in. Kira sucked in a breath right before I pressed my mouth to hers. The voice in my head telling me this was a fucking stupid idea was silenced because not only did Kira not stop me, but she also kissed me back.
I was fully aware this was her first kiss. I wanted to be her first in everything. I always had.
It wasn’t hurried or rushed. A simple kiss that set my fucking heart on f
ire. She tasted of rum and coke, which no doubt I did too. I didn’t care because her lips were so damn sweet. My fingers tightened in her hair, never wanting this kiss to end. It’s not like I’d had a ton of experience kissing girls, but this was magical.
When I pulled back and stared at my best friend, she was panting and had a startled look in her eyes. I couldn’t quite believe what had just happened, but every part of me wanted to do it again. And again.
“Duke,” she whispered, “What—”
“I dare you to kiss me again.”
Why the fuck that just came out of my mouth, I would never know, but I was running on instinct. On the need for this not to end. Kissing Kira had aroused me in a way I’d never experienced before. I wanted her more than I’d ever wanted anyone in my life. To lay her down, strip her clothes off and sink into her.
She blinked, then looked at my lips.
“You… dare me to?”
“Yes.”
For a second I thought she might pull away and tell me this was fucked up, but she didn’t. No, Kira closed the distance, pressing her mouth firmly on mine. This time I couldn’t hold back. My other hand left her back and curled around her face, turning it slightly to gain the access I wanted. My tongue pressed against the seam of her lips. When Kira let me in, I took full advantage. At first, she was a little clumsy in her attempts to work out a rhythm, but I was patient, demonstrating without words how she should kiss me back.
When I felt her relax into it, I gently pushed her back onto the bed, mindful of what I was starting but no longer giving a shit about right or wrong. I pressed my body into hers and continued to kiss her. Kira’s hands travelled up my back and into my hair, tugging at the strands. I groaned at the sensation. I needed more. So much fucking more.
I grabbed one of her hands from my head and pressed it down on the covers, lacing our fingers together. Her body bowed into mine when I kissed her harder. I shifted against her, the tension in my body craving friction between us. No doubt she could feel the effect she’d had on me. I couldn’t exactly hide the fact I was hard and it was digging into her stomach.
“Duke,” she moaned into my mouth, the sound vibrating across my lips.
My free hand ran down her side until I met her thigh. I curled my fingers around it and tugged at her thigh to make her spread her legs for me. When she responded, widening them, I fit myself between them and ground against her. She moaned again, pressing herself up as if asking for more.