by Sarah Bailey
Whilst I felt guilt over that, it was the whole thing with Kira which made it much worse. I’d been in love with another girl the whole time I’d been in a relationship with Andie. Another girl who happened to know everything about me. Who was the light of my life. Kira was everything to me. The whole part about us having sex a week after Andie died was just about as fucked up as I could get. I’d wanted to live in a fantasy of Kira and me together. Of us working out. But I didn’t think we’d ever have that. We were friends. It was all we could be.
“Hey, good day?” she asked as I tucked her under my arm.
The two of us made our way towards the school gates. We were being picked up by Quinn today. After the Lamborghini incident, my parents had decided my punishment was to take away my car keys for the next month. I might be eighteen, but I still lived under their rules for the most part. There were no complaints from me. I’d accepted the consequences of my actions.
Quinn was leant up against the bonnet, fiddling with his phone.
“Took your time.”
I shrugged and opened the back door, finding Raphi already inside. Cole was in the front on his phone. I helped Kira into the Range Rover.
“I was waiting for this one,” I replied, giving Quinn a look.
He shoved his phone in his pocket and gave me the once over.
“Good last day?”
“Yeah, suppose so.”
He nodded and straightened before walking around to the driver’s door. I got in the back next to Kira and strapped in. Quinn pulled the car away from the curb a couple of minutes later. I leant over to Kira. Raphi was staring out the window and wasn’t paying any attention to us.
“You still don’t want to come to Alex’s end of school party tonight?”
“Duke…”
“Come on, Kira, it’ll be a laugh.”
She gave me a look.
“Yeah, teenagers getting drunk, smoking, and fucking is really my idea of fun.”
Whilst Kira had come with me to a few parties, they weren’t exactly her scene. She preferred staying in and gaming or learning more stuff from my dad. He’d taught her a shit ton of programming over the past two years to prepare for doing games development at uni. She’d already got an unconditional offer. I was damn proud of her for it. She was going after what she wanted in life.
“I want you there. It won’t be the same without you.”
I could see her resolve weakening. Her eyes softened and her hand curled over my arm.
“I dare you to come,” I murmured.
“I hate you sometimes,” she hissed back, but there was no bite to her tone.
“You do not.”
“Fine. I’ll come, but you have to promise not to ditch me for a girl, okay?”
I grinned. No hardship for me to hang out with her all night. Getting laid hadn’t even been on my radar.
“I promise. This is about us celebrating.”
She gave me a nod and stroked her fingers down my arm, making my skin prickle. My mind might not be on girls, but they were on her. It’d been over two years since I’d been intimate with Kira. Every time she touched me, the reminders flooded my veins. I couldn’t get over it. Maybe I’d built it up in my head and if it ever happened again, it would be different. Somehow, I doubted it. Sex was different when you loved the person. I don’t care who said otherwise, for me it was.
“What time we going?”
“Um, think it starts around eight, so after that. Don’t want to be the first ones there.”
“I’ll have to nip home to get ready after dinner.”
Kira wasn’t like the girls who took forever to prepare for a night out.
“You want me to come with, and we can just go from there?”
“Sounds like a plan.”
Raphi turned away from the window and gave the two of us a look.
“You better not come home and make a racket. Last time you woke all of us up with your falling over shit.”
I gave him a wink.
“I’ll crash at Kira’s if you’re going to be that uptight about it. Or you could just come with.”
“Hard pass.”
Raphi had turned seventeen recently, and whilst I’d taken him out to one or two parties, he wasn’t keen on them. I’d told him numerous times he needed to lighten up and get out to meet people. However, my brother was still all kinds of fucked up over his friend, Meredith’s older brother, Jonah. Didn’t matter if it’d been years since they’d kissed and then Raphi messed it all up. My brother had gone and caught feelings he couldn’t rid himself of. Not to mention he was seriously fucked up about his sexuality and what it meant. I understood why he struggled. He was a notorious overthinker, anxious, and didn’t truly understand himself.
I’d tried to be there for him as best I could, but it wasn’t always easy. Raphi and I told each other everything. Well, everything except for the fact I’d slept with Kira. I swear he suspected it and knew I had feelings for my best friend. Raphi wasn’t the type to pry. He was waiting for me to open up about it. But I never could. If I did, the feelings I’d locked up would come flooding out. I didn’t know if I could shove them back in the box again.
“Suit yourself.” I turned to Kira. “You don’t mind me staying at yours, right?”
“Nope. Dad’s a heavy sleeper. We won’t wake him up,” she replied with a smile, her eyes shining.
“There you go, Raphi. Now you can sleep in peace.”
He stuck his middle finger up at me.
“Thank fuck,” Cole muttered from the front seat.
“You got something to say, Cole?” I asked, giving him a hard stare.
He turned back to look at us.
“No, just agree with Raphi, you’re fucking loud.”
“Am I worse than Rora?”
Cole shuddered.
“God no. Her and Colleen squealing is irritating as fuck.”
My youngest brother was only fifteen, but he had a mouth like a sailor. It was hardly a surprise. In our household, the word fuck was tossed around like it was going out of business. Cole had got sent to the headteacher’s office on numerous occasions for his language and his inability to moderate it. The whole thing amused me. Cole didn’t listen to anyone. He was a worse troublemaker than me, which was saying something. I hadn’t exactly been the best-behaved student either. I’d once been suspended for kicking a kid in the balls for calling Raphi four-eyes.
“Make sure you tell Ash you won’t be back tonight,” Quinn said, eyeing me in the rear view mirror.
Mum was extra protective over me and Raphi. It drove both of us insane, but we put up with it. I knew it came out of a place of love.
“I will.”
He nodded. Quinn wasn’t the most hands-on father, more like the disciplinarian. He definitely did not approve of my partying ways, but he’d not been as strict with me as my sister. I swear he put way more pressure on Aurora than the rest of us being the eldest and his biological daughter. In a way, I felt bad for her, but I would never tell my sister that. She’d use it against me. Whilst we gave each other shit all the time, if anyone else did it, we’d be out there defending each other to our last breath.
I didn’t butt heads with Quinn like Aurora and my dad did. She was far too similar to Quinn, so their personalities clashed. Dad treated winding Quinn up as a sport. Me? Other than stealing his car for a dare, I kept things respectful between us. Besides, if I was closest to anyone, it was my dad and Eric. Probably because they were together and shared parenting me and Raphi between them. Then there was Rory, who was the quietest out of my dads. It made me wonder how the fuck Cole became such a cocky little shit, but he was definitely more like Mum than Rory. His confidence had girls lusting after him, but he wasn’t interested in anyone as far as I knew. Well, I had a feeling I knew who he had his eye on, but I’d never pried. Wasn’t my business. Cole was definitely shooting for the stars with her, though.
I turned back to K
ira, who had started talking to Raphi. I was glad she was coming tonight. She’d make it fun, and perhaps I could persuade her to drink a little more than usual. After all, we’d finished school now. It was time to celebrate our first step into adulthood. And I couldn’t fucking wait.
Chapter Eighteen
I knew I should not have done shots with Duke ten minutes ago in the kitchen. Alex Paulson’s house parties were notorious for everyone getting high or wasted. Since neither Duke nor I touched drugs, we were going for the latter. And now I was drunker than I’d ever been in my life.
Duke had stuck to his word and remained by my side most of the night. Something I was thankful for. In the past two years, Duke had changed. Not towards me, but around others, he wasn’t the sweet, compassionate and kind Duke I’d grown up with. Andie’s death and the events surrounding it had affected him deeply. There was no closure waiting for him. It might have been ruled a suicide, but he was convinced Wyatt had something to do with it. I’d backed him up on it, but I couldn’t help wondering if it wouldn’t be better for him if he stopped harbouring this suspicion. He might be able to move forward then. It wasn’t my place to tell him what he should and shouldn’t do though.
My own life hadn’t got any better over the past two years. Dad’s Parkinson’s had worsened. He needed a Zimmer frame to get around, and he had full-time care. The worst part was when he had to give up his career. He stood down from the House of Lords because of his failing health. The day he’d left, he cried in my arms for hours. It was heart-breaking. I’d made Duke come over after I settled Dad in bed. He’d held me whilst I sobbed on his chest. The burden of living with my father’s condition wore heavily on me.
The doctors warned us he would continue to deteriorate, but they were doing everything they could to make his life comfortable. I was worried constantly about him getting an infection or pneumonia because of his compromised health. It may be a death sentence. Dad had all but given up over the past six months. The only thing that made him happy was hearing about my successes. I was his reason for living. Seeing me thrive kept him from falling deeper into a pit of depression.
Duke nudged my arm, getting my attention. We were in the living room full of sweaty bodies. Someone had brought a sound system. Now the bass vibrated the floor and people were drunk enough not to care what they looked like.
“Want to get some air?” he shouted in my ear.
I nodded. When he pulled me up from the sofa, the room started to spin. I stumbled into him. Duke caught me and laughed. The next thing I knew, he’d picked me up by my thighs, forcing me to wrap my arms and legs around him to stay upright. There were a few whoops and cheers as he carried me out of the room and into the kitchen. Duke set me down on the counter and took my face in his hands.
“You okay?”
“I feel dizzy.”
My hands were fisted in his t-shirt still. I wasn’t sure if I could stay upright without him. Me getting drunk tonight was a way of forgetting the shit with my dad. And celebrating the end of school with my best friend. Now we had almost two months off before university started. I wanted to make the most of it.
It was probably the reason Duke and I had become more reckless with our dares over the years. We both needed to feel something other than sadness. The adrenaline rush of doing things we shouldn’t was how we got our highs. I couldn’t stop. My last dare had involved us joyriding in Quinn’s Lamborghini. Something I neither regretted nor would say sorry for, despite how much trouble Duke had got in with his parents. We both thought it was worth the bollocking. Doing over a hundred in a car built for speed was an experience unlike anything else. I could totally understand why Cole loved cars so much, though he was much more mechanically minded. Let’s just say he was jealous of us taking Quinn’s car out on our own.
“Let me get you some water, hey?”
“I’ll fall.”
He laughed and pried my hands off his shoulders, setting them on the counter.
“Hold on to this.”
I gripped the edge of the counter and managed not to pitch forward whilst Duke moved away to pour me a glass of water. He was more used to drinking than I was. He came back over with water, pressing himself between my legs. To an outsider, it probably looked rather intimate, but ever since we’d slept together two years ago, we’d only become more comfortable with each other. It had taken a couple of months before our friendship had gone back to normal. Burying my feelings for him helped. It’s not like I could forget what happened. Every so often, I was reminded of it when he was close to me. The way it felt to be wrapped up in his arms and his lips on mine.
I hadn’t tried to date anyone in the past two years. No one caught my eye. Plus, being in love with your best friend made it difficult. As did having to watch him plough through girls like nobody’s business. His coping mechanism for all the shit he’d been through. I knew it, but it didn’t stop me from hating it all the same. Before Andie’s death, Duke hadn’t wanted sex to be meaningless. Now he was different. He didn’t want it to mean a single thing.
Duke took one of my hands off the counter and wrapped it around the glass before raising it to my lips. Those blue eyes of his were full of amusement. I stuck my tongue out at him once I’d took a long gulp.
“Drunk Kira is so sassy,” he murmured, his other hand curling around my thigh.
“Drunk Kira has no inhibitions.”
He grinned and encouraged me to drink the rest of the glass he’d poured me.
“Is that so?”
I nodded, my free hand wrapping around his waist and fisting his t-shirt. His fingers slid down to my inner thigh. I tried not to react to it, but my body was burning up at his closeness.
“Get a room,” someone called from behind us.
Duke stiffened. He popped the glass down on the counter and turned, pulling away from me slightly.
“What did you say?”
There were three guys on the other side of the kitchen island, nudging each other and staring at us. People always seemed to think it was okay to butt into our business.
Idiots.
“Get a room,” the guy in the middle repeated.
I watched Duke smirk and give them the once over.
“Jealous much? Can’t pull a bird tonight or something?”
The middle guy’s face fell and he crossed his arms over his chest.
“Ain’t fucking jealous, man.”
Duke glanced at me.
“Should we give them something to be jealous about?”
I raised an eyebrow. Those three were being twats. Without really thinking about it, I reached out, curling my hand around Duke’s neck and pulling him closer. The moment our lips met I realised it was a stupid idea, but the need to stick it to those boys had me continuing anyway. Duke responded without hesitation. His hand dusted along my cheek and into my hair before he slipped his tongue into my mouth.
Holy fuck. What are we doing?
I tried not to moan in his mouth. His kiss was doing things to me it really shouldn’t. I wanted to press my body against him. I wanted to do all the things we’d done two years ago and more.
Duke pulled back, panting slightly as his blue eyes turned dark. I remembered the way they’d done that when we’d been intimate. It made me shiver. He glanced at the three boys, but they’d vacated the room. Clearly, they weren’t very impressed by our little display. His attention turned back to me. His hand slid from my hair to my cheek before his thumb flicked over my bottom lip.
“Want to get out of here?” he murmured.
The heat in his eyes told me Duke’s thoughts had gone somewhere they shouldn’t after we’d kissed.
“And do what exactly?”
“Well, someone has to get your drunk arse home without incident.”
“Duke.”
The thought of being alone with him in my house made my heart race.
“What? I’m being serious. If you drink any more, you�
�ll throw up and I’m not dealing with that shit.”
I dropped my hand from his neck. Maybe I’d misread the situation. I couldn’t exactly trust myself given how intoxicated I was.
“I won’t throw up.”
“Hmm, see this face,” he waved his free hand over his face, “It doesn’t believe you.”
I reached up and poked his nose.
“This face should believe me at all times.”
He laughed, shaking his head as he pulled away from me entirely.
“Come on, sassy girl, I’ll give you a piggyback.”
I slid off the counter.
“Hell no, you’ll drop me or we’ll fall over.”
Alex didn’t live too far from us. It wouldn’t take long to get back to mine. I still didn’t trust Duke to carry me all the way there.
Duke grabbed my hand and led me back into the hallway, ignoring my statement entirely. We pushed by all the bodies in the way and made it out the front door. The cool air hit me immediately. I looked up, finding it was a cloudless night. Probably why the temperature had dropped. Duke wrapped an arm around me.
“Cold?”
“A little,” I muttered, rubbing my arm.
“Let’s get you home and in bed.”
I smiled up at him and tried not to think too hard about my bed and the boy beside me in the same space.
We started off down the street in silence, listening to the sounds of London at night. A siren could be heard in the distance and the low murmur of traffic. Otherwise, it was relatively quiet. We didn’t live in a busy area.
“I’m sorry about kissing you,” I said after a few minutes.
He glanced down at me.
“Why? You didn’t see me complaining about it.”
I shrugged and looked away.
“We’re just friends, we agreed that when we… you know.”
His breath hit my ear as he leant closer.
“When we fucked?”
The harsh sound of the word fucked made me tremble. The memories flooded me all over again. Why couldn’t I stop thinking about it? If I had been sober, I’d have locked them away.
“Yeah, that.”