by Sarah Bailey
I closed the distance between us. The distance I’d put there. My overwhelming instinct was to take him in my arms and comfort him, just as I always had. To give him whatever he needed.
“Why is that a problem? I’m right here. I’m your wife. I married you. You can have me. All of me. Why can’t you see that?”
He reached out and gripped my hair, pulling me closer by it and tipping my head back. The way he held it was almost painful, but I didn’t tell him to release me.
“Because all I feel is guilt when it comes to you. Do you know the real reason why I wanted to break up with Andie?”
I shook my head. If what he’d told me hadn’t been the whole truth, then I had no idea.
“You. I wanted you, and it wasn’t fair of me to sleep with her when it was you in my heart. You in my fucking soul, Kira. It’s always been you.”
“You have me,” I whispered, scared by the anger in his voice. Scared of what he would say next. Scared he’d destroy me with it.
“I can’t be with you. Not like this. Not when all I feel is guilt. Not when the entire reason for us getting married was built on a fucking lie.”
I was right to be scared. Those knives in my chest dug deeper, shredding my organs and eviscerating any sense of hope I had left.
“I love you, Kira, but right now, I can’t do this. Everything that’s happened between us, everything around us, it’s all fucked up. It’s messed with me too much.”
His grip on me tightened further. The sharp pricks of pain in my scalp only echoed the agony inside me.
“My girlfriend died. The girl I was supposed to be thinking about whilst I was with you. She was raped by her own brother. He murdered her. How the fuck do you think that made me feel? She needed me and I wasn’t there. I wasn’t fucking there because all I could think about is how much I wanted you.”
I understood why he felt that way, but it’d been two years. He needed to let go of it. I couldn’t keep hanging around waiting for him to get his shit together, not now I knew he loved me. Not when we loved each other. It hurt me too much. It hurt both of us.
“Duke, you’re hurting me,” I whispered.
His grip loosened a fraction.
“Every time I look at you, all I see is how fucked up we’ve become. How fucked up everything is. Fuck, Kira, we got married on a bloody dare. I know it’s my fault, but you didn’t have to go along with it. We’ve both screwed up so badly.”
I nodded. We had. But we could fix it, couldn’t we? Everything could be fixed if we tried. If we did it together, we could face anything.
“I know it’s all messed up, but we can get through this. We can try.”
His eyes darkened.
“How? Tell me how the hell any of this can be repaired. We’re broken. Everything about us is fucking broken. Stan’s dead. Andie’s dead. You used me as your crutch for grief, and I’ve used you for mine. Tell me how that is remotely a good foundation for an actual relationship with each other.”
I didn’t know what to say. There didn’t seem to be words. He’d disputed everything I said.
“We love each other.”
He scoffed.
“As if love is the fucking miracle cure for everything. Don’t be so naïve, Kira. Love doesn’t magically make a relationship workable.”
I lifted my hand and pressed it to his heart. It slammed against his ribcage, beating in time with mine.
“We don’t just have love. We have years of friendship and understanding together. That’s what would make us work if you gave it a chance.”
“Friendship differs greatly from an intimate relationship. Just because we work as friends, doesn’t mean we’ll work as a married couple. Not when everything else is against us.”
It was then I realised Duke wasn’t willing. He didn’t want to try. And all the pain he caused me because of it made me say something I didn’t mean.
“You don’t want to be with me?”
“It’s not a case of what I want. It’s a case of knowing I can’t give you what you want. I can’t give you a marriage when I’m too fucked up to be with anyone.”
My fingers curled into his chest, digging into his skin. He winced but didn’t tell me to stop.
“You’re saying you want to remain friends and not even try to make us work?”
“It’s better for us if we do.”
I shook my head. It wasn’t better for me. Not when the knowledge he truly loved me would haunt me.
“No. It’s not. Not when I love you the way I do, Duke. I can’t sit back and watch you with other people any longer. I can’t. It’s not fair.”
“Then what are you saying?”
“Either you be my husband or we’re done.”
I regretted the words the moment they left my mouth. Duke’s eyes widened. He dropped my hair, taking a step back as if my words had physically stabbed him in the chest. My hand, which had been against his chest, pressed against mine instead. I wanted to push those words back inside me, but the damage was already done.
“You’re giving me an ultimatum?”
I couldn’t move. Every inch of me screamed to tell him no, I didn’t mean it, but I couldn’t. The words stuck in my throat.
“What the fuck, Kira? You’re really telling me you’d throw away our friendship because I’m not in a place to give you everything you deserve from a relationship?”
My traitorous body nodded at him. His expression hardened before he looked away, his fists clenching at his sides.
“Okay. If that’s how it’s going to be, then I guess we’re done.”
Never in my life had I ever considered the possibility Duke might walk away from me until now.
“What?” I whispered.
“I can’t be your husband, so we’re done, right? That’s what you said.”
I stared at him. Then my head nodded again without me wanting it to.
“Just so we’re clear, it did not have to be like this. I get why you’re doing this, Kira, I truly do, but you didn’t have to. You really didn’t fucking well have to make me choose like this.”
He stepped towards me, brought his hand up, cupping the back of my head before he pressed a kiss to my temple.
“I love you,” he whispered in my hair, “I’ll always love you.”
He let me go and moved away towards the door. I was stuck there for a long minute, then I chased after him when I heard the front door open.
“If you leave now, I don’t want to see you again,” I blurted out.
It wasn’t the truth, but my heart was bleeding all over the place and I couldn’t control my mouth. He paused in the doorway and turned back to me.
“Ever?”
“Ever.”
The immeasurable sadness in his expression decimated me.
“Goodbye, Kira.”
Then the man I loved more than life itself walked out of my front door and shut it behind him. It was my fault he’d done that. I’d pushed him away. And now I’d told him I never wanted to see him again.
What the fuck did you just do?
My knees gave out. I put my hands out to stop myself from collapsing entirely. Tears flooded my vision and an agonising sob was ripped from my throat. Not only had I lost my father, but I’d lost Duke. And losing Duke meant I’d lost my adopted family as well.
Stupid girl. You stupid, stupid girl!
I couldn’t take it back. Not now it had been said. I’d ruined us by pushing him, but I’d done it out of self-preservation too. I couldn’t be just his friend any longer. Not when I knew how it could be between us. How we could love each other. The beauty of it. And now… that beauty laid in ruins on the floor along with my heart.
I pressed a hand to my chest, trying to stem the anguish inside, the torment and heartbreak. But nothing I did would ever bring me peace when Duke had walked out of my life. When I’d made him choose. When I’d pushed him into a decision, neither of us wanted him
to make.
I’d ruined everything. I’d ruined it all because I wanted something I couldn’t have.
Duke Scott was never meant to be mine.
And I hated myself and him for it.
I hated it all.
Chapter Thirty Eight
The whole walk home from Kira’s house, my emotions churned inside me. The very idea I’d never see her face again only flooded my veins with pain. The horror on her face when I’d walked away would be branded in my retinas forever. I never thought I’d cause her so much agony, but the reality was, we’d both done this. We’d both caused this. I didn’t blame her for giving me an ultimatum, but it didn’t stop it from hurting.
I unlocked my front door and trudged inside, wanting the world to disappear. Voices were coming from the living room as I passed it, but I didn’t look inside. If someone saw me, they’d ask what was wrong. How could I tell them what happened? I’d married my best friend and she’d forced me to leave. I’d walked out on my wife.
When I reached my bedroom, I didn’t bother to shut the door, just went straight to my bed and sat down on the edge. Reality crashed down on me. There was nothing but misery inside me. Abject fucking misery.
A girl I was supposed to love was dead. The fact I hadn’t been there for her weighed heavily on me. The girl I did love had told me if I couldn’t be her husband, then we couldn’t be anything at all. How the hell did a person cope with that shit without feeling like the world’s worst person? I couldn’t see myself as worthwhile or even deserving of anyone or anything, especially not Kira.
I dropped my head into my hands, trying to hold back the tidal wave of despair threatening to burst out of me. My body shook with the effort of keeping it inside. I wanted to cry, rage and fucking throw shit, but I wouldn’t.
“Duke?”
I didn’t look up at the sound of Raphi’s voice. A moment later, I heard my bedroom door close and footsteps. He sat down next to me on the bed. He knew all about the whole Andie and Wyatt shit, so he probably thought it was that. I wasn’t sure I could tell him about Kira. About the breakdown of my friendship with someone we all considered family.
“I thought you were helping Kira today.”
My mouth tried to form words to answer him, but all that came out was a choking sound. Raphi wrapped an arm around my shoulders and leant his forehead against my bicep.
“Did something happen between you two?”
I nodded against my hands. My shaking body made it hard for me not to lose control. My desperate attempt to keep myself from tearing my room to shreds was failing miserably. I didn’t know how to explain it to my brother.
“Second drawer down… papers, look at those.”
Raphi released me and got off the bed. I didn’t look at him, but I heard when he opened the drawer of my bedside table. The shuffle of papers came next, followed by a long silence. I tensed, wondering when he’d say something.
“What the fuck, Duke?”
The bed dipped next to me again. I dropped my hands and eyed his lap. Raphi held my copy of my marriage certificate in his hands, along with the confirmation our marriage was legally recognised in the UK.
“You’re married to Kira… you two got married in New York. Do I even want to know why or what the hell the two of you were thinking?”
I wanted to shrug, but I knew I owed him an explanation.
“You can’t tell anyone about this.”
Raising my head, I met Raphi’s eyes. They were full of concern and confusion. He reached out and touched my arm.
“I won’t, but you need to give me a reason why.”
Raphi and I had always kept each other’s secrets. There was no doubt in my mind about his loyalty to me.
“We did it for Stan, he’s always wanted to see Kira get married… well, he’s always wanted to see her get married to me. Kira was so distressed the day he went to the hospital and I wanted to do everything in my power to give Stan his last wish in case he died. He already thought we were dating because Lisa found me in Kira’s bed the day after Alex’s party when we’d got drunk and slept together. I didn’t want Stan thinking I was using Kira for sex. It wasn’t like that.”
Raphi’s eyebrows shot up at my words. He blinked behind his glasses. Telling him this shit made me realise how crazy Kira and I had been. As if I didn’t already think that in the first place.
“Anyway, the point is… we went to New York and got married right by Brooklyn Bridge whilst Livestreaming it to the hospital for Stan. You should have seen his face. How happy it made him to see Kira get married. I think he held on for that, to see it.”
I took the pages from Raphi, running my fingers over Kira’s signature.
“I know it was stupid and reckless, but I wanted to make him happy… and it didn’t seem like such a big deal at the time. Not when I’m in love with Kira. And as it fucking well turns out, she’s in love with me too. Has been for years. But we’ve fucked everything up. We did this all backwards and without thinking about the consequences.”
I didn’t want to tear the certificate. I placed it on the bed next to me before staring down at my hands.
“I fucked up, Raphi. The night Andie died, I was with Kira… I was planning on breaking up with Andie because of Kira. All I feel is guilt. She fucking texted me and I ignored it. I ignored the girl I was with and she died. It’s not like I could have saved her, I know that, but it doesn’t stop the guilt. It doesn’t change the fact a girl died when I could have done something.”
My brother shifted closer and took one of my hands in his.
“Then today… today Kira gave me a fucking ultimatum after she admitted she’d been in love with me for years. She asked me to be her husband for real or we’re done. And I walked out on her because I can’t be that man. I can’t.”
Tears slid down my face. I didn’t bother to wipe them away. What was the point? They were a manifestation of my grief at losing everything.
“She deserves more than me.”
Raphi let go of my hand and hugged me. I buried my face in his shoulder, allowing myself to cry all over my brother. He was one of the few people in this world I could be vulnerable with.
“I love her,” I sobbed, “I fucking love her, but I can’t be her husband. I can’t.”
“Shh,” Raphi murmured, “It’s okay. I understand, Duke. I really do.”
Kira deserved a man who wasn’t fucked up the way I was over the death of my girlfriend. Who wasn’t so caught up in all this raw and unfettered emotion.
“I’ve lost my best friend and the girl I love more than anything.”
Raphi clutched me tighter. I hated Kira for making me choose. I hated it so fucking much. Whilst I respected and understood her reasoning, it didn’t make it any better. It didn’t prevent the pain from flooding my system.
“How can I live without her, Raphi? How? She’s everything to me. I left her. She made me pick. I can’t believe she did that. What was I supposed to do? How could I ask her to wait for me? It’s not fair on either of us. Fuck. It’s all so fucked.”
I didn’t want to disrespect Kira by asking her to give me time. This shit between us had been dragged out long enough. Everything had finally come to a head and now… now we were left with broken hearts and decimated souls. The girl I thought I’d be friends with forever was no longer mine at all.
“Maybe she needs time, Duke. Maybe you can work things out.”
“No… she told me she never wants to see me again. I won’t force her. I won’t make her see me if it’s too hard for her. I can’t do that.”
I would respect her wishes. Whilst I’d never been one to make good choices, this time I was determined to do what she asked. Our marriage would hang over our heads, but what the fuck did it even matter? It’s not like it prevented us from moving on. We’d never really been together in the first place. I ignored the voice in my head telling me eventually we’d have to sort it out.
&
nbsp; “That’s it? You’re just going to end everything between you?”
“What else can I do? She wanted all or nothing. I’m not in a place to give her my all. She would end up resenting me. She probably hates me now anyway. What the fuck does any of it matter.”
Raphi sighed and rubbed my back. I wasn’t in the right frame of mind for this conversation.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry this happened and the two of you can’t work things out.”
I nodded against his shoulder. I was fucking sorry too. If we’d talked about things earlier instead of getting wrapped up in emotions, then it might not have got to this stage. Fucking hindsight was a damned curse.
“How do I tell our parents?”
“About the marriage?”
I pulled away and stared at him.
“Fuck no, we’re not telling them about that, Raphi. They cannot find out I got married to Kira. I meant, how do I tell them Kira and I are no longer friends?”
He frowned.
“I think you need to tell them about the marriage.”
“No. You promise me right here and now you won’t breathe a fucking word about it to them. You know what Mum will be like. I am not dealing with that shit. Not when I’ve just lost Kira.”
Raphi put his hands up, his eyes widening at the vehemence in my tone. No way in hell I wanted to drop that bombshell on our parents. I would never hear the end of it, especially not from Mum. She was a nightmare when she found out about Raphi getting bullied at school and after the whole Andie situation. She drove us both insane with her coddling.
“Okay, I promise. Jesus, Duke.” He adjusted his glasses. “You tell them you got into a fight and now things are weird between you or something. It’s not hard to make some shit up about why you fell out, right?”
I’d have to think about it. Telling my parents about it couldn’t be any worse than losing Kira. I wasn’t sure that ache would ever go away.
“You’re right. I’ll make some shit up. Fuck. Fuck.” I dropped my face into my hands again. “I hate this. It’s shit. Absolute fucking shit.”