Paul DeLuca gestured for me to stand up. “Paul and I need to discuss some things. Why don’t you see how the Boy Scout is doing? He’s in the nurse’s office.”
“Jesse. The Boy Scout’s name is Jesse,” I said. I tried to find something in Paul DeLuca’s eyes—sympathy? Understanding? But the only feeling I could discern was worry. And it wasn’t worry for me or for Jesse.
“Right, okay,” Paul DeLuca said, his back already toward me.
Frowning, I stepped into the hallway and closed the office door.
“What if it gets out that the Boy Scout is black?” The door barely muffled P2’s panicked voice. “That will make us look even worse.”
Fury gripped me, and I flung open the door.
“Free advice,” I spat.
Startled, they stared at me.
“Maybe stop worrying about how you’re going to defend yourselves, and start asking what you can do to help.”
Without waiting for a response, I pulled the door closed and strode down the hall. My breath shook in and out as I walked.
But as gross as it had felt to overhear Paul Paulsen’s comment about it being worse for them that Jesse was black, I knew it would have been even harder for Jesse to hear it.
This thing was layer after layer of suck.
I took a minute to calm down. But then I felt strange approaching the nurse’s office again. Dad always says places hold memories, and this place only held a memory I wanted to forget.
After knocking twice, I tentatively pushed open the door and peeked inside.
Jesse was perched on a stool facing a sturdy white woman in her fifties who was shaking her head as she washed her hands in the sink. Jesse’s face had been cleaned up, but his shirt was still bloody.
“Hey,” I whispered, “can I come in?”
“Yeah!” Jesse’s eyes did that Christmas-tree-in-a-dark-empty-field thing and he started to smile, but flinched.
“Oh no,” I said, taking a step inside. “It hurts to smile?”
He nodded.
“I bet laughing is worse. If I can’t make you laugh, then I’m only down to two things you like about me. Is that enough to sustain us?”
Trying very hard to push the laughter down, he gestured for me to join him.
“You must be Zelda,” the nurse said as she dried her hands. “You’re a brave one—coming to a place like this? Putting up with all this crap?” She stepped over to Jesse and ever-so-gently prodded his nose with her fingertip. “We’ll just have to see—broken noses have minds of their own.”
Jesse nodded.
“Okay now, Jess. I’ve got a clean T-shirt in my bag. Why don’t you step out and change, and I’ll check out Zelda here.”
“Where is he?” Jesse turned to me and squeezed my hand.
“In a rehearsal room upstairs. Roger and Dion took him after . . . he could walk.”
Jesse nodded. “Have the police been contacted?”
“Yes,” the nurse said. “The Pauls called me, and then I called the police. But you know how it goes—it’ll be at least two hours before someone can get up the mountain from town.”
I furrowed my brow. “Called you? From where? You aren’t our nurse?”
“She’s our nurse.” Jesse flinched again. I knew he wanted to smile.
“That’s right. I’ve known Jess since he was what . . . twelve? I’m Karen.”
“Hi.” I was a little taken aback. “We don’t have our own nurse?”
Did Ben know that? Had he taken me to the nurse’s office knowing the nurse would never come? I shivered in revulsion.
Karen raised her eyebrows and lowered her voice in a confidential tone. “No one will take the job,” she muttered.
My jaw dropped.
“So,” she continued, “I’m covering. The Pauls assured me they’d have someone by the first Tuesday. But, here we are in week two . . .” She shook her head. “Jess, hon, go change.” She patted Jesse’s shoulder.
He slid off the stool and squeezed my hands again. “I’ll be right back,” he promised, taking the BSA T-shirt Karen handed him.
I nodded, my heart somersaulting.
Karen waited until the door clicked shut before turning to me. “Okay, hon.” She took out a notepad. “Tell me everything.”
I told my story again from the top. And by the time I was done, I’d half filled the wastebasket with tissue.
She sighed, dated her notes, then flipped the cover shut. “I wish they’d listened to you the first time.”
“Me, too,” I said, letting out a shaky breath. “Jesse’s nose wouldn’t have been broken.”
“Sure. Among some other things . . . But adults don’t always think teenagers know what they’re talking about. And men . . .” She rolled her eyes. “Are you going to press charges?”
“I don’t know. The Pauls asked that, but I need to talk to my parents.”
She nodded. “Have you called them?”
“They’re hiking in the mountains for two weeks—no cell service. It’s not the kind of voicemail you want to leave, you know? If Ben’s gone, I can hang out for a few more days.”
Karen tucked her notebook back into her bag. “That makes sense . . . Okay. Let’s look at those bruises.”
I frowned and followed her gaze to my upper arms—bright blue circles had formed where Ben’s fingertips had gripped me.
Tears dripped off my nose as she clucked and murmured sympathetically. Then she asked me to hold out my arms, and she photographed them.
After she took the last photo, Karen asked, “You okay?”
I pursed my lips and nodded.
She pulled up a stool, a sad smile on her face. “Listen, hon. I’m just going to say this once, and then you do whatever you’re going to do—it’s your life. But . . .” She put a hand on my back. “I see the way you look at Jess. The way he looks at you. But are you sure this is what you want, right on the heels of this thing with Ben?”
I took a breath.
She held up her hands. “It’s really none of my business, but I’m just telling you. It might be good for you to be alone for a little bit first.”
Frowning, I considered this. “I . . . I can see your point. But—I’ve been alone. I know how to be alone. I—I want to be with Jesse.”
Karen nodded and put her hand on my back again. “I know you do. I knew you would. But I also want you to know it’s okay to ask Jesse for some time.”
“Okay . . .”
There was a tap on the door, and Jesse’s voice called out, “Can I come back in?”
I quickly dried my eyes with my shirt. “Yes!” I cried, a little over-enthusiastically. Karen chuckled and shook her head.
Except for the swollen nose, Jesse was back to looking like himself. I expected him to come over next to me, but he said, “There are some people here to see you . . .” He opened the door all the way, and Will’s and Jonas’s and the Gildas’ concerned faces filled the frame.
“Okay.” Karen stood between Jesse and me and the others in the doorway and shooed them away. “That’s too many people for this tiny office. Let’s go into the main hall. I’ll stand sentry there.”
As I passed through the door, Will grabbed me and locked me in a hug. His arms felt like home, and I fell apart again. Neither of us said anything for a long while.
•
By the time the pair of police officers arrived, dinner was starting. I insisted the Gildas and Will and Jonas go eat, and the police interviewed me in the Pauls’ office. The Pauls and Jesse waited in the hallway—P2 looked ready to pass out the whole time.
After I spoke to the officers, it was Jesse’s turn. I regarded Paul Paulsen, still in the hall. “You know why girls don’t come back now, right? You can see that?”
He fixed his gaze at a spot near his elbow. “Ben is—he’s passionate. Talented. He’s . . . he’s just very intense.”
I stared at him. “Dion. Roger. Also talented. Also passionate. But not inappropriate and not violent. Ho
w can you defend Ben?”
Paul DeLuca put his hands on Paul Paulsen’s shoulders. “Best not to engage right now, P2. We have a lot of things to chat about.”
Paul Paulsen just stared at the floor, looking pale.
Paul DeLuca turned to me, shifting a little, not meeting my eyes. “I have some bad news, I’m afraid, Zelda.”
I raised an eyebrow. “Worse than, ‘You have an abusive coach but no one cares and, whoops, now he broke your friend’s nose’?”
He grimaced. He clasped and unclasped his hands. “Maybe. We have a very strict policy about physical fighting. Remember the first night? We talked about it before dinner. If you get involved in a fight . . . you can’t perform.”
My jaw dropped. “Even if I was defending myself?”
Paul DeLuca shook his head and weakly lifted his shoulders. “Paul and I had arrived on the scene. You struck him after that.”
I gestured to Paul Paulsen. “You told me if Ben went too far to give him a little slap!”
If it was possible to grow even paler, he did. “Well . . . that was more of a figure of speech. Plus, what you did wasn’t little.”
“This place.” I shook my head. “This is insane.”
Paul DeLuca frowned. “We have a zero-tolerance policy for physical aggression.”
“Incredible. Okay. You know what? That’s fine. I have six days left here. I’m just going to hike. Maybe play with JV. I really don’t need those Varsity guys anyway.” Even if I couldn’t play, I could at least meet Nina Knightley.
Paul DeLuca coughed uncomfortably. “Uh, see, you misunderstand me—it’s not just that you can’t perform. You can’t stay. We have to ask you to leave.”
Suddenly, I was cold all over. “What? I have to leave? Why am I being punished for defending myself—especially when you guys wouldn’t?”
“You’re making her leave?”
I whirled around. From the direction of dinner, Karen approached our trio with two sandwiches in hand and passed me one of them. “Eat.” She smiled at me, then turned sternly back to the Pauls. “Where’s the sense in that?”
“Karen—” Paul DeLuca began, but she cut him off.
“You’ve got a camper who came to you for help, and you blew her off, and now you’re making her pay for your mistake?”
Hopeful, I took a step closer to her.
“Karen—” Paul DeLuca tried again but she cut him off once more.
“Guys, I like you. You know I do. But when Jane died, you lost your—”
“Those are the rules!” Paul Paulsen shouted. “She has to leave!”
I felt like I had been slapped.
No one said anything. Finally, I opened my mouth. “My parents are hiking in the mountains for two weeks. They’re unreachable.”
Paul Paulsen exhaled sharply through his nose. “You signed a form. Your parents signed a form. You’re expected to have contingency plans in place.”
“Can she stay with us?” Karen asked. I looked up at her face, her set jaw. “I can take her in my cabin back at Scout camp.”
“I . . . I’m not sure . . .” P2 rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands.
“I’ll decide for you, then,” I said, suddenly desperate to get out of there. “Happy to take you up on your offer, Karen. I’ll go pack. Meet you in front in a half an hour.”
“But—” Paul DeLuca protested.
“Tell Jesse where I’ve gone?” I asked Karen. She nodded.
Leaving her to sort out the details, I marched down the hall with my sandwich in hand, out of the Lodge, and off in the direction of the cabins.
I hesitated as I neared Gilda Radner. Crossing its threshold for the first time, I had been so excited. Crossing it for the last time . . . well, so much had changed.
Suddenly, footsteps pounded in the dirt behind me. And even though I knew the police had Ben in custody, my heart pounded, too, sure it was him. I spun around.
Paloma and Emily were running toward me.
“Zelda!” Emily panted, her voice thick with tears. “They’re making you leave?”
I gave her a hug and a tight smile. “So it seems.”
“That’s terrible,” she said, swiping at her eyes.
“It’s okay.” I squeezed her arm.
Paloma thumbed behind her, catching her breath. “The Pauls are not very popular over there right now.”
I felt a tiny bit happier hearing it, but sighed. “Was any of this worth it?”
Paloma put her arm around my waist and we trudged into the cabin together, Emily right behind us. “Was what worth it?”
“I made Varsity. I wrote a hilarious sketch. I tried to show those guys I belonged there. But now I’m getting kicked off Varsity—kicked out of camp. I didn’t show anyone anything.”
“You got Ben removed,” Emily said as the three of us sank onto Mattress Island.
“I did that, I guess,” I conceded. “But in the process, I also got myself removed.”
Emily furrowed her brow and chewed on her lip. “I always thought when you try to make things right, you just point out the bad thing, and it gets fixed. Like, you see a turd in the pool and you shout, ‘Lifeguard! Get the turd out!’ ”
I smirked. “But really,” I said, unlacing my boots, “you’re swimming in the turd water when you notice the turd. And when you point it out, no one wants to touch it. And in order to fix it, not only do you have to get everyone out and drain the water, people are mad because no one gets to swim and you get blamed for noticing the turd in the first place when it’s the person who put the turd there that should be blamed!”
Paloma pushed down a smile. “Pointing out turds is never going to make you popular, that’s for sure. But you don’t strike me as someone who wants to swim in turd water.”
“No. I don’t want it for anybody else, either.” I sighed and flopped onto my back on Mattress Island. “So, now I’m a Boy Scout for six days.”
She leaned over me and smiled. “Yeah, about that. Can we talk about Hottie McBoy Scout, please?”
I chuckled and sat back up. “He’s . . . he’s nice to me.”
“Good,” Paloma and Emily said at the same time.
“But does it feel weird? Being with him? After . . .” Emily trailed off.
“After Ben?” I asked. “I know. But you know what’s different? I’m not worried about how Jesse’s going to react to every little thing I do or say. And I can tell him the truth about how I’m feeling and what I want.”
“That’s good.” Paloma nodded. “What about the physical stuff?” She kicked me a little.
I opened my mouth, blushed, and shook my head.
“Oh, we are so getting more out of you than that.” Emily got on her knees and grinned. “Have you kissed?”
I nodded.
“And . . .”
“And . . . it shouldn’t even be the same word for what Ben and I did—what . . . Ben . . . did to my face. With his lips.”
They chuckled.
“It’s really . . . I like it. I like it with Jesse.”
“Good. Did you do anything else?” Emily waggled her eyebrows at me.
“When did you get so nosy?” I asked, pushing her off her perch.
“Deflection.” Paloma pointed at me. “And she’s not being nosy, she’s just making sure you’re okay . . . Are you okay?”
I nodded little nods. “I . . . think so. I will be? We haven’t . . . done anything other than kiss and hold hands, but I really like him.”
“Even so, it’s okay to need some time,” Paloma said.
“That’s what Karen, the nurse, said.” I took a deep breath. “I’m a little worried that if he . . . touches me . . .” I closed my eyes, trying to find the right words. “Where Ben touched me . . . it’ll be . . . it’ll make me think of Ben?” I scrunched up my face. “I don’t want to think of Ben. I just want to—I want that for me. For Jesse and me. I don’t want Ben in the room.” I opened my eyes. Paloma and Emily were nodding.
&nbs
p; Paloma tilted her head. “When Jesse kisses you, do you think about Ben?”
“Nnnnn . . . ooo. Mostly no. He’s kissed me like five hundred more times than Ben ever did.”
Emily grinned, and Paloma chuckled. “Okay. So, Jesse’s kissed you more. And what else is different?”
“Heeeee genuinely likes me. . . . He’s not trying to manipulate me.”
“Right. So, you trust his lips.”
I smiled. “Yes.”
“And what about when you hold his hand? Do you think of Ben?”
“No. Not at all.”
“So, you trust his hands?”
I saw where this was going.
“And you’ve been marching around in the woods with him. To places you’ve never been before. Right?”
I nodded.
“So, you trust his brain? And his decision-making abilities?”
“You’re good.” I smiled.
“And you trust you,” Paloma continued.
My smile faded.
“Zelda . . .” Paloma and Emily reached for my hands. “Don’t let Ben take that from you,” Paloma urged me. “You’re smart. You didn’t know how assholes like him operated. Now you do. And you know how to recognize their crap.”
I took a deep breath and slowly let it out.
“Look,” Paloma said, “you don’t have to touch Jesse or be touched anywhere you don’t want to be. All I’m saying is this thing with Jesse is totally different. And that makes what you do together different. When you’re ready.”
I knew by now she was another partner I could trust.
Emily shook her head at Paloma. “Can I take you with me for always? Maybe shrink you down and put you in my pocket?”
I giggled. “You’ll have to fight me for her.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
As I packed my things, the rest of the Gildas piled into the cabin along with Will and Jonas. No one could believe how unfair my punishment was, but I just kept thinking about the swimming pool metaphor. I had done the right thing, but the right thing had also given me a stomachache.
“So you can’t even watch the final show?” Will asked.
“Once I’m off camp land, I’m not allowed back.”
“Unbelievable.”
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