by T. J. Klune
“Yes. But, to be fair, all those other things happened way on the other side of the Dark Woods, so you really can’t fault me for thinking they wouldn’t happen here.”
“I’m coming under the impression that these things happen no matter where you go.”
“That’s… pretty much true,” Gary said.
“Shut up, Gary,” I growled.
“Mean. Just for that, I’m going to recite your wedding vows.”
“Oh my gods.”
“Dearest Dimitri. I’ve known you but for three minutes, but my heart beats in my chest just for you.”
“Gary, I swear to the gods, stop talking.”
“Gary, please continue,” Ryan said, and I despised him.
“You are a fairy and I am a man. A wizard, but a man nonetheless. Our worlds couldn’t be more different, but please believe me when I say I love you just as much as I love standing here against my will.”
Ryan choked out a laugh, and I wished a tree would bad-touch him again.
“All my life I’ve searched for someone like you. Only you’re better. Because you have wings. That are shiny. So. Good job on that. Your parents must be proud. Oh? What’s that? Your parents are dead? And they died horribly just three months ago? Oh. My bad. Dude. Seriously. So my bad. That was not cool. Can we go back to the love part?”
I buried my face in my hands. How he remembered this word for word, I’ll never know. And why did everyone who did impressions of me do my voice so shrill? It was insulting.
“The love part. Here we are. Together. You and I. And we’re getting dude-hitched. To each other. Because this is my life. And I couldn’t run away. Even if I wanted to. So I guess this will be a thing. Forever. Lucky me. I’m not stalling, I just have so many words to say to you. Like, you are fun. For someone who took me prisoner and is now forcing me to marry him. So fun. I have to wrap it up? Rude. Okay. In conclusion, I’m super happy about this. And you are awesome. And I’m so glad Gary is laughing at me. The bastard. Tiggy, you are my only favorite. The end.”
“Gary?”
“Yes, Sam?”
“Your death will not come easy. There will be pain as I choke the life out of you.”
“Kinky. I’m down.”
“How did you get away?” Ryan asked.
I shrugged. “Gary got free and kicked some fairies, and we ran.”
He gaped at me.
“It was daring,” I said.
“I don’t even know what to say to that,” Ryan said. “I don’t even know what to say to any of this. You and I have been talking, actually talking, for a little over three weeks. And in those three weeks, we’ve been attacked twice, a dragon came to the city and knocked you through a building, and now we’re going to meet your ex to whom you almost gay fairy married. How are you even a real person?”
“Hey,” I growled. “He’s not my ex. And you didn’t talk to me for like two of those three weeks, so you can shut your mouth. And it wasn’t a building. It was a shed.”
“I was busy.” The trees were bringing him closer to me. He was scowling. It was unfair how hot his scowl was. When I scowled, I looked constipated.
“Yeah, that must be it. Busy like a champ.”
“That doesn’t even make sense!”
“You don’t even make sense!”
“I hate it when Mommy and Daddy fight,” Gary said to Tiggy.
The trees stopped moving Ryan when he was three feet away from me.
“Who Mommy?” Tiggy asked, eyeing us both.
Gary rolls his eyes. “Duh. Ryan. Obviously.”
“Ha!” I crowed. “You’re the mother!”
“Whatever,” he muttered. “I’d be a great mom. I’d mom like a champ. Wait. What the hell? How do you get me involved in these conversations?”
“Uh, easy? You open your mouth and respond. Not a hard concept. Even for a meathead knight like yourself.”
“You just wait until this tree lets me go. I’m so gonna—”
And I never really got to find out how he was going to finish that sentence. In my deep and disturbing fantasies, he was so gonna fuck me into next week and we would have babies and buy a farm in the country, and I’d get to wear a really big sunhat while I plucked vine-ripened tomatoes from the garden.
But he never got to finish that sentence because we were surrounded by fairies.
“Balls,” I muttered, watching my dreams of a sunhat disappear in front of me.
“Sam?”
“Yes, Ryan?”
“Why is there a six-inch-tall angry naked man with wings flying in front of your face? And why are we surrounded by even more tiny fluttering naked men?”
I sighed. “Because this is what my life has become. Ryan, meet Dimitri, king of the Dark Woods fairies. Dimitri, this is Knight Commander Ryan Foxheart.”
Ryan’s eyes bulged. “This is your ex?”
“He’s not my ex,” I grumbled. I looked up at Dimitri. He really was tiny. And naked. It was so very awkward. His wings fluttered rapidly, and his creamy skin was flushed with anger. He had a shaved head and the tiniest mustache in the world. He would have been delightful if not for the fact that I was pretty sure he wanted to murder me. “Heeeeey, Dimitri. Long time no see. How you been, buddy?”
“Sam,” he said stiffly, and I’d forgotten just how high-pitched his voice was. It sounded like he was squeaking. I tried to keep my lips from quirking because he was angry and it sounded hysterical. “How nice it is to see you again. And you are so my ex.”
“Oh my gods,” Ryan gasped, like he was trying not to laugh. “This is amazing. I am having such a good time right now. Huzzah. Huzzahs all around.”
Dimitri and I both glared at him.
He didn’t look repentant in the slightest.
“What brings you to these parts?” Dimitri asked me.
“Your magic mushrooms,” I told him. “They sort of forced us here. Except for Ryan. Ryan was flirting with the trees.”
“I was not—”
“Is he always this loud?” Dimitri asked, frowning at Ryan. “He seems loud, even for a human.”
The other fairies grumbled their agreement.
“He’s usually pretty loud,” I agreed. “He has to be. He’s a knight commander. It’s dashing and immaculate.”
“Oh?” Dimitri asked. “So he’s the reason you couldn’t get married.”
And what the fuck? “That is so not even close to being a real thing.”
But Dimitri ignored me. He flew up to Ryan and hovered near his face. Ryan arched an eyebrow at him.
“I’ve heard of you,” Dimitri said, poking Ryan in the cheek. “You are supposed to be some big to-do. I’ll be honest. I’m a little disappointed.”
“Trust me,” Ryan said. “The feeling is not mutual. When Sam told me about you, I was expecting something completely different. This is so much better.”
“He talked about me, did he?” Dimitri turned and leered at me.
“Oh gross,” I muttered.
“I could see why,” Dimitri said, looking back at Ryan. “Especially if you’re the competition.”
“No competition,” I said loudly. “None. There is no competing.”
“See?” Dimitri said. “You’ve already lost.”
Ryan snorted. “Yeah, I don’t think so. My cock is bigger than your whole entire being.”
And. Just. What.
The fairies started tittering loudly.
Dimitri scowled. “It’s not the size. It’s what you do with it.”
“And I can do many things with it,” Ryan said wickedly. “Many, many things.”
“Please, can I have some, please,” I whispered, though no one heard me.
Dimitri poked Ryan’s nose. “Listen, human. Just because you’re jealous of the love Sam and I share—”
“Love?” I squeaked, sounding like Dimitri. “There is no love.”
The fairies all turned to me.
Oh shit. “Uh. There may be a mutual appreciatio
n of each other’s willingness to avoid maiming or death?” I said.
“This is going so well,” Gary said.
“It is?” Tiggy asked.
“No,” Gary said. “Tiggy, the next thing we are going to work on is sarcasm. You’ve gone far too long without knowing how to use it. It shall be remedied and you will be the most sarcastic half-giant in all of Verania and it will be glorious.”
“Pretty Gary,” Tiggy said fondly. He tried to reach out and pet Gary, but his hand knocked into the invisible wall that rose around him from the fairy ring. His brow furrowed and I knew it was only a matter of time before Tiggy got pissed off. No one got between him and Gary when he wanted to pet the unicorn.
“There’s love,” Dimitri insisted. “You just don’t know about it yet.”
“Ah,” Gary said. “That kind of love. Because that makes sense.”
Dimitri sighed like Gary was the most annoying thing that had ever existed. “If your kind wasn’t considered sacred, I’d let my people eat you.”
Gary preened. “Sam. Sam. I’m sacred.”
“Thanks for that,” I told Dimitri. “I will never, ever hear the end of it.”
Dimitri ignored me as he flew back to Ryan and started poking his face again. “I will fight you for him. A duel to win the heart of the wizard.”
“Apprentice,” Gary whispered.
Ryan rolled his eyes at Dimitri. “It would be more intimidating if your penis wasn’t pressing against my cheek.”
“So much sass,” I told Gary and Tiggy. “He uses it like he invented it. Which, to be fair, I think he might have.”
“He’s not that sassy,” Gary grumbled.
Another fairy flew up and whispered in Dimitri’s ear. Dimitri’s eyes narrowed with whatever the fairy was telling him.
“You’re engaged,” Dimitri finally said. “To the Grand Prince of Verania.”
And there went all my fun fantasies again for the day.
“I am,” Ryan allowed. He glanced at me like there was supposed to be a reaction. I kept my face blank.
“So you have no claim over Sam of Wilds,” Dimitri said, sounding triumphant.
Ryan cocked his head. “More so than you do.”
The mask slipped. “Hey!” I snapped. “I’m standing right here. I’m not a prize to be won.” I winced. “Oh my gods, that sounded awful to say out loud.” I looked at Gary, who was openly laughing at me. “For fuck’s sake.”
“I’m not a prize to be won,” he gasped out. “That was so awesome. You go, girl. Get down with your bad self and preach. We don’t need no mens. We are fierce and hear Sam of Wilds roar.” He puffed out his chest and pranced in place in his fairy ring.
“You’re a tool,” I said, feeling my face turn red.
“You just told everyone you’re not a prize to be won,” he pointed out. “You win the tool award. In fact, you are the tool award.”
“You can be my prize,” Dimitri said, slinking through the air back over to me. He made sure not to cross into the fairy ring because he knew full well I’d crush him like a bug.
“That’s not doing for me what you think it’s doing for me,” I told him. “Probably quite the opposite in fact. Dimitri, you know you and I wouldn’t work. You’re a fairy who lives in the Dark Woods, and I like not being in the Dark Woods. Or gay fairy married.”
“That’s a lie, and you know it,” Ryan said.
“I will keep you satisfied,” Dimitri said with a leer. “I may be small, but there are things I can do with my tongue that you wouldn’t believe.” He flew a little bit closer. “Sexual things.”
“That’s a kind offer,” I said, trying not to insult him by grimacing. “Really. But I’m okay.”
“Perhaps,” he said, waggling his eyebrows, “a little demonstration?”
“No thank you,” I said. “I’m all about true love. And not having sex with you.”
“If we could just—”
“He said no,” Ryan growled. “Back off.”
Dimitri looked over at Ryan, who was glowering at the king of fairies. He brought up a hand to stroke his tiny mustache (and I had to bite back awwing in his general direction because it was just so little) and said, “Oh. This makes much more sense now.”
“What does?” I asked.
“This,” he said, motioning between Ryan and me. “You know. The thing.”
I was bewildered. “What thing?”
Dimitri looked at Gary. “Is he serious?”
“Unfortunately,” Gary said. “It’s so awkward. It makes you wonder about the future of Verania.”
“I am so lost,” I said to Ryan, who was refusing to meet my gaze.
“Me too,” Ryan said.
Tiggy snorted and said, “Oh, Knight Delicious Face.”
Another fairy flew up, carrying a spear and wearing a helmet and not much else. I thought about asking why he had armor on his head and not his balls, but I didn’t think that was proper etiquette while being held prisoner by the Dark Woods fairies. “What shall we do with them, my lord?” he asked Dimitri. “Should we kill them?”
“No killing,” I said. “No killing would be amazing.” Because fairies could be vicious little things. They looked humanish, but they were filled with forest magic, and once the façade dropped, they were all teeth and claws and would swarm until there was nothing left but bits of shiny bone. “Come on, Dimitri. For old time’s sake. Buddy. Pal of mine. You owe me.”
“And how do you figure that?” he asked, eyes flashing purple.
“The whole kidnapping me and trying to make me your fairy bride? That’s a good place to start.”
“You said vows before your unicorn kicked twenty of my people in the face!”
“That might have not been my best move,” I admitted. “But, to be fair, you didn’t leave me with much of a choice. Hey. Hey. Look at me. What’s going on? Huh? Little guy? Why don’t you marry one of these fine-looking fairies?” I pointed out the hundred or so naked men fluttering nearby.
“It’s just not the same,” he said with a sigh. “I have a size kink.”
I coughed. “You have a what now?”
He shrugged. “I like them big.”
I grinned at Gary. “You hear that? I’m big.”
“Pretty sure he was talking about your actual size and not your dick, honeybunch,” Gary said, sounding bored. “Tone it down. I’m embarrassed for you.”
“I’m huge,” I told Dimitri. “Gargantuan.”
“Average,” Gary said. “I’ve seen it.”
“A little support would be awesome,” I said through gritted teeth.
“Oh my goodness,” Gary said, voice sugary sweet. “He’s ginormous. The first time I saw it, I was, like, is that your third leg? Are you some kind of three-legged human monstrosity?”
“Don’t listen to him,” I told Dimitri. “He’s an ass. You can keep him if you want. He has to weigh at least a thousand pounds.”
“Sam!” Gary shrieked at me. “How dare you!”
Dimitri flew over to Gary and started looking him up and down. “He’s got a point. We should totally get married. You could be my fairy queen.”
Gary’s ears perked up. “A queen, you say? Well. You never said anything about being a queen.”
“No, Gary,” Tiggy said sternly. “You no fairy queen. You Sam and Tiggy’s queen.”
Ah gods, my heart. “I really want to hug you right now,” I told Tiggy. “Dimitri, drop the damn fairy rings. I need to hug Tiggy because of feelings.”
Dimitri sighed and snapped his fingers. The mushrooms grew dim and I felt my magic come roaring back. Gary and I crashed into Tiggy at the same time, and his big hands came up to the backs of our heads and held us close.
“I can’t believe you said my weight out loud,” Gary hissed at me.
“I can’t believe you said my penis was average,” I hissed right back.
“If the penis shoe fits,” he said.
“What? That doesn’t even… penis shoe? Li
ke a shoe. For your penis.”
“Shut up,” he grumbled, rubbing his forehead against Tiggy’s chest. “I have had a very trying and emotional last seventeen minutes and I can’t be bothered to be my usual witty and wonderful self.”
“How do you explain the rest of the time, then?”
“As touching as this is,” Dimitri said from behind us, “I would rather get this over with.”
I let go of Tiggy and turned back toward the fairies. Ryan still had his arms held up by the tree. I tried not to notice the flex of his arms or how totally awesome it would be to have him tied up like that so I could do whatever I wanted and—
“Stop thinking sex thoughts,” Gary whispered.
“I wasn’t,” I whispered back.
“Liar. You had your sex face going on.”
“I don’t even want to know what that looks like.”
“Like your jaw came unhinged and you might start to drool.”
“So… attractive, right?”
“That’s not the word I would have used.”
“Get what over with?” I said to Dimitri.
“The reason why you’re here,” he said, “in the Dark Woods. They don’t seem to be a safe place for you anymore.”
I cocked my head at him, picking and choosing my next words carefully. There was something here that I was missing. The air seemed to have shifted. It felt cooler now. “We’re here because it’s a shorter route to get to Meridian City.”
Dimitri’s eyes flashed again. They were almost violet. “And what business have you there?”
“You know, don’t you,” I said. “Something.”
Dimitri flew up closer to my face. He smiled, and it was a dark thing. “I know many things. I am the king of this forest. Nothing happens here without me knowing.”
“Then tell me,” I said, “what you know.”
He shook his head. “That’s not how this works, apprentice. You know that as well as I do.”
“Oh, we’re back to apprentice now?” I asked lightly. “No more Sam?”
“There are whispers,” he said. “In the trees. In the darkest part of the forests.”
Something prickled across my skin, almost like I was chilled. “And what do they whisper?”