by T. J. Klune
“Don’t kill them,” Justin called after him. “Maybe just scare them a little bit.”
I gaped at him.
“What?” he asked me. “We might as well enjoy it if we have to watch.”
That… okay. I couldn’t fault him for that. Because Gary was doing a great impression of a warrior princess with his battle screech as he charged up the road toward the keep. And Tiggy was trying to scream along with him, but he wasn’t really understanding what they were doing so he was screaming, “I’m yelling too!” And Ryan might have been manly screaming, but I was distracted by the way the sun fell in his hair and I had to stop myself from sighing dreamily.
Of course, they all stopped screaming when Kevin landed in front of them, the dirt puffing up in clouds around his claws. Kevin hissed, his forked tongue curling out around his lips, the spines along his back quivering. If I hadn’t known that he was a mostly vegetarian, sexually aggressive lizard, I would have been terrified. As it was, I rolled my eyes.
“Eep,” Gary said.
“Whoa,” Tiggy said.
“Prepare, dragon!” Ryan shouted. “For today, you will meet your end!”
Justin and I both snorted.
“I’m sure he didn’t mean that to sound as douchey as it did,” I said.
“No,” Justin said. “He meant it all right. He does that sometimes.”
“Tiggy,” Gary hissed. “Take off this fucking helmet.”
Ryan slid down from Gary and flourished his sword, eyes never leaving Kevin. Kevin snarled at him, dragging his claws along the ground, tail flicking dangerously from side to side. His muscles bunched in his legs, and it looked as if he were about to launch himself at Ryan. I wondered briefly if I should intervene.
Tiggy leaned over and lifted the helmet from Gary’s head. Gary, ever the diva, shook his head daintily, his mane settling perfectly on the side of his head.
And the dragon. Just. Stopped.
“Um,” Ryan said. “Hello? Dragon? Are we doing this or—”
“What great beauty is this?” Kevin breathed, sounding soul struck.
“Um. What?” Ryan asked, taking a step back. “Talking. It talks. Of course it does.”
“Did you hear my battle scream?” Gary asked Tiggy, completely ignoring Kevin. “I was all like, GRAAAHHH and it sounded pretty awesome if I do say so myself.”
“It very loud,” Tiggy said. “Tiggy scream too. GWAAAHHH!”
“No,” Gary said, shaking his head. “Not gwah. Grah. GRAAAHH!”
“GWAAAAHHHH!”
“Dragon,” Ryan said, poking Kevin with his sword. “Hey. Dragon.”
“GRAAAHHHHHH!”
Kevin ignored Ryan, eyes only on Gary.
“Seriously?” Justin asked me. “Seriously?”
“Hey! You leave them—okay. Even I can’t defend this. Oh my gods. What the hell.”
“GWAAAAHHHH!”
“GRAAAHHH—never mind. We’ll work on this later. Well, finish the dragon thing, find a tavern and scope out the mens.”
“Scopin’ out mens,” Tiggy agreed. “And cake.”
“Yes, dear heart. We can have cake. Now, where were we?” Gary looked back at Kevin, who was still staring at him. “Oh, right. Dragon. That’d probably be a good place to start. You there. Dragon! Hello! Yes, you!”
Kevin looked over his shoulder as if there was another dragon standing directly behind him that Gary could have been addressing. “Me?” he asked.
“Yes. You. Now. Have you seen a wizard? Well, apprentice, really. He’s about six feet tall, skinny as all get out. I’ve told that boy he needs to eat more, but does he listen to me? Of course not. His nose is always buried in his Grimoire or in the labs or running for our lives. He’s got black hair, or maybe it’s better described as onyx. Onyx, Tiggy?”
“Onyx,” Tiggy agreed. “Pretty Sam.”
“Onyx, then,” Gary said. “But you probably know him from his mouth. It never closes.”
“Hey!” I snapped. “It closes all the time!”
“Only when you swallow, dear,” Gary said and then, “Sam! Oh my gods!”
Tiggy, Gary, and Ryan all looked up.
Justin and I waved.
“Are you a prisoner of the dragon?” Gary asked. “What the hell am I saying? Of course you are. Gods, Sam. If you ever do that again, I swear I’ll murder you. You gave me gray hairs! Gray hairs, Sam. At my age? You asshole!”
“Uh, it makes you look distinguished?” I tried.
His eyes narrowed. “Distinguished. That’s what you’re choosing to go with.”
“Are you all right?” Ryan asked, tone weary and concerned. “When you were taken, I couldn’t—”
“I’m fine,” Justin and I both said at the same time.
“Er,” I said. “The Prince is just fine.”
“Because that’s who you were asking about, right, Ryan?” Justin asked.
“Uhhh,” Ryan said. “I should probably fight this dragon.”
“Can we please ignore the awkwardness and go back to where Sam said I was an old cow?” Gary asked. “He should never be allowed to speak again. Ever.”
“If you ask me, I’ll tell you what I think,” Kevin blurted out.
“Hmmm,” Gary said. “Intrigued. Go ahead.”
Kevin swallowed thickly, throat bobbing up and down. “Okay. So. Um. Come on, Kevin, you can do this. You got this. Just say it. Say it. Ahem. You are the most enchanting creature I have ever seen. I have not known true beauty until this day. Any beauty I thought I might have known before was an obvious lie because there is no comparison.”
“Sucks for you,” I told Justin, elbowing him in the side.
“He’s dissing you too, asshole,” Justin grumbled.
“Nah. I’ve just got dick lips.”
“I don’t think that’s as good as you keep thinking it is.”
“Five minutes ago, you were his one true love. Now, I bet he doesn’t even remember your name.”
“I don’t suppose it matters,” Justin said, lips curving dangerously. “I’m already engaged to be married. You know. To a knight.”
And that round went to Prince Asshole.
“You took my breath away,” Kevin continued, oblivious to the drama from above. “When you removed your warrior’s helmet, I wondered if the gods had chosen to honor me this day for any world where you exist must truly be a blessing.”
Gary stared at him. “Tiggy,” he said, crooking his lips toward the half-giant. “Who is he talking to?”
“You,” Tiggy said. “He wants to eat Gary flower.”
“My flower was eaten a long time ago.” He looked the dragon up and down and said, “I’ll see where this goes. Continue.”
“First, might I know your name?” Kevin asked. “I assume it is something so magical that the very utterance of it would cause rainbows to weep in glorious joy.”
“Gary.”
“Gary,” the dragon whispered in awe, the name on his lips sounding almost like benediction. “Have two syllables ever sounded more beautiful together? Geh. Ree. The gods must have outdone themselves the day that word was born. They took the exquisiteness from the earth and rolled it together with a pinch of sunshine and love and gorgeousness and when it was finished, it was Gary.”
“Wow,” Gary said. “That was… words.”
“This is getting uncomfortable,” I told Justin.
“I might have gotten lucky that Gary showed up,” he said.
“So,” Ryan said, his sword now dragging in the dirt. He looked slightly put out. “Are we, like, gonna fight here? I’m not really sure of the protocol for something like this and—”
“Ryan,” Gary said. “Shut up. I’m being wooed.”
“But—”
“Ryan. Shut. It.”
“Gods,” Ryan grumbled.
“I apologize for the Knight Commander,” Gary said to Kevin. “He doesn’t understand how love works.”
“That’s bullshit,” Ryan said. “I know l
ove. I’ve got so much love. You don’t even know.”
“He does?” I asked, heart beating traitorously in my chest.
“You do?” Justin asked.
“Hi, Sam!” Tiggy said, waving at me.
“Should I take him out for you, my sweet?” Kevin asked. “All you have to do is but ask and I will make sure his blood is spilled upon the ground. I’ll roast his skin with my fire. I’ll tear off his head. I stick my claws up his perky ass if his screams will make you happy.”
“Whoa,” Ryan said. “And thank you. It is rather perky.”
“Hmmm,” Gary said.
“Gary,” Ryan said. “Buddy.”
“Hmmm.”
“Gary. You said we were friends! You said you liked me.”
“I say that about a lot of things. Like people. And ham.”
“Are you going to stop him?” Justin whispered to me.
“He’s a grown unicorn,” I said with a shrug. “He’s got this.” And I really didn’t think that Gary would allow Kevin to murder Ryan. Not really. Gary wasn’t that big of a jerk.
Kevin started rumbling deep in his chest.
Gary grinned.
I sighed. “Gary.”
“What?” The perfect picture of unicorn innocence.
“You know what.”
“Sam!” he exclaimed, eyes going wide as if he hadn’t been aware I’d been standing above him this whole time. That asshole. “Lovely to see you alive and well. And with the Prince, no less. I’m sure you two have had some… interesting things to discuss.”
“Gary,” I warned.
“Ugh. Fine. Dragon.”
The rumbles ceased instantly as Kevin turned back toward Gary. “Yes, my exquisiteness?”
“You don’t need to kill the Knight Commander.”
“As you wish.”
“Maybe maim him a little.”
“Gary.”
“Fine,” Gary muttered. “No maiming either. Some people just don’t know how to take a joke.”
“I do,” Kevin said. “All of your jokes. I’ll laugh at every single one because undoubtedly, your humor exceeds that of even court jesters. Might I fuck you later tonight?”
Gary coughed roughly. “That… um.”
“I’ll go slow,” Kevin said, as if that were the only issue at hand. “I’ll go so slow for you. Open you up until you’re wet enough to sit on my—”
“Sam!” Gary cried. “Look at that. That’s Sam. Our friend Sam. And the Prince! Hello, Prince! I am so glad to see your bright and shining face.”
“You are?” Justin asked, coolly amused. “That’s a first.”
“Whaaaa? No. Ha-ha! You and I go way back.”
“Do we?”
“We do.”
“Huh.”
“In fact, I think I should want to see both your faces up close. Tiggy, dear, won’t you escort me to the top of the keep?”
Tiggy grinned. “Tiggy don’t know what you just said. Sure.”
“Lovely,” Gary said. “Just lovely. And while we go up there, the dashing and immaculate Knight Commander here shall battle my fierce dragon to the death!”
“Your wish is my command,” Kevin said, bowing his head.
“Gary.”
“Okay, okay. Gods, Sam. No need to bring out scary eyes. Kevin. Yoo-hoo, Kevin!”
Kevin had already started rushing at Ryan, who was scrambling back a step or two, sword at the ready. “Yes, light of my life?”
“No killing,” Gary said, sounding as if he’d only known hardship his entire life.
“Or maiming,” I said.
“Or maiming,” Gary said, rolling his eyes. “Because Sam is a killjoy and we never get to have any fun at all. But if we’re going that direction, then Ryan can’t kill Kevin either.”
“Um,” Ryan said. “Then what’s the point?”
“No killing,” I told Ryan. “Kevin is nice. Sort of.”
“Thank you, pretty,” Kevin told me. “Though I wish you would use that mouth of yours less for talking and more for sucking my cock.”
“What?” Ryan growled.
“That was probably the wrong thing to say,” Gary said. “You mens have fun. Toodles!” He and Tiggy then took off at a brisk pace toward the keep, avoiding Kevin’s tail as it snapped from side to side. I heard Gary grunt as he pressed against the great doors, the metal grating against the stone.
“Ooh.” Gary’s voice carried up the stairs. “Look at all this stuff. If I marry him, Tiggy, then all of this will be mine.”
“Gary getting married?” Tiggy asked.
“Possibly,” Gary said. “I am a catch, after all. I’ve been proposed to on numerous occasions and—oh my gods, look at the size of that emerald it’s bigger than my face—I might as well get around to accepting one of these days. You can’t help when you fall in love with someone. It just hits you in the center of your chest and—there is so much silk here that I just want to bathe in it forever and ever—you can’t fight it. It’s not about how much stuff a person has, or how much gold he has to his name—sixty-six sixty-seven sixty-eight oh my gods sixty-eight chests filled to the brim with gold—it’s about love. That feeling that blooms inside and makes you unable to breathe without them in your arms. And I’ll tell you, Tiggy. I just might be in love. Is that a diamond? I thought that was a chandelier. Tiggy. I’m in love.”
“You’re judging me, aren’t you,” I asked Justin.
“Yes,” he said. “So much. Those are your friends.”
“No,” I corrected. “Those are your rescuers. Who your father sent. Obviously, a reflection upon you.”
Justin scowled.
Point for me.
Score: Justin, one. Sam, six billion.
Kevin and Ryan continued to circle each other below as Gary exclaimed over this and that as they slowly made their way up the staircase. I pretended not to want to glower at Justin and to keep from cheering at Ryan to slay the dragon like I belonged to his fan club or something.
And then I remembered I did belong to his fan club or something, and not only that, I had admitted to belonging to his fan club, only to have him say that he wanted to put his dick in my mouth and had fantasized about me since I was fifteen years old.
This, of course, led to thoughts unbecoming of someone in my current position. Namely, I was thinking about fucking Ryan Foxheart in the asshole while standing next to his fiancé while Ryan himself fought a dragon below us, all the while listening to Gary get closer and closer, talking about how true love was real it was a tangible thing, that he didn’t think he’d ever feel this way and oh my fucking gods look at how many diamonds that crown has at least six and how many carats is that?
So when Gary poked his head up through the hatch and said, “There you are,” I couldn’t be held responsible when the first words out of my mouth were, “I am not thinking about fucking him, I swear to gods because that is just wrong, so don’t even bring it up, okay, because shut up.”
Cue awkward silence.
“Um,” Gary said finally. “What?”
I said, “Oh. That was a quote. From a book I read.”
And because Gary couldn’t not be an asshole, he said, “Great, and what book was that?” even as Justin turned his full glare back on me because I was a lying liar who lied.
For the life of me, I couldn’t think of a title of a single actual book ever written, so I said, “The Manticore and the Butler.”
“Ah,” Gary said as Tiggy pushed him up through the hatch gently. “The Manticore and the Butler. Sounds riveting. Who is it by?”
I made sure my eyebrows expressed just how displeased I was at him. “Mervin Sondheim,” I said through gritted teeth.
“Mervin Sondheim,” Gary said. “You sure know a lot of Mervins. So. Tell me. What is the book about?”
“It’s a love story between a manticore and a butler. They love each other, but societal norms dictate they can’t be together.”
Gary’s lips twitched. “A lion with
wings and human face and a butler sure sounds like it would cause disruption. How does it end?”
“They both die. Painful deaths. Involving many bad things.” I hoped it sounded like a threat.
“That doesn’t sound like a happy ending,” Justin said with a frown.
“It isn’t,” I told him. “But sometimes murder is inevitable. Right, Gary?”
He smiled sweetly at me. “If I was going to corner you and ask for you to write a review of The Manticore and the Butler and your words would be written in stone, how would you rate the book?”
“I’d give it five hearts,” I muttered, wondering what his insides would look like if they were on his outside.
“Out of?”
“Five.”
“Indeed. It sounds as if this novel left quite an impression on you. Tell me, what was that quote again?”
“Uh.”
“You said it with such alacrity not five minutes ago,” Gary said. “Surely it won’t be that hard to repeat it. Since you rated it… what was your rating system again?”
“Hearts.”
“That’s right. Five hearts. Because of reasons. The quote?”
I hoped my eyebrows were now broadcasting his imminent death at my hands. “Um. It was. I am not gonna fuck him because shut up it’s wrong. So. I love you, Nick the manticore.”
“Nick the manticore!” Gary crowed gleefully. “Oh my gods, I can’t believe you just did all that!”
“I don’t read books,” Tiggy said. “I like cats.”
Justin said, “I think the dragon is just playing with Ryan.”
We all looked over the edge of the keep.
Sure enough, Kevin kept circling Ryan, not allowing him to get a hit with his sword. He moved lightning quick for something his size, and I knew if this were a real fight, it’d be over rather quickly. For a moment, I thought that maybe I should do something to rescue him, but then I saw the way he ducked under a whip of Kevin’s tail, and I figured he was okay to be dashing and immaculate, at least for a little while.
“Face me like a man!” Ryan snapped as Kevin danced away.
“I am not a man,” Kevin reminded him. He flicked his claws against Ryan’s breastplate, knocking him over. Kevin looked up at us and said, “Did you see that, Gary? I did that for you!”
“Super,” Gary called back down. “You’re so neat.” Then, in a lower voice, “I’m going to have so many of your babies.”