by T. J. Klune
“Those weren’t my fault! First, I can’t help it if I attract the weirdoes. Second, I’m about to be attacked by angry cult members who are carrying scythes and torches.”
“You are a weirdo. And tell those angry cult members… wait. What?”
Farther down the road, cresting the hill into the valley, came the people of Tarker Mills, Eloise in the lead. She looked so badass with her hair billowing around her that I almost was able to admire her and forget the fact that most likely, she was coming to kill us all. For once, I’d like to have the wind blow just right and make my clothes billow around me and have someone say, “Dude. Look. That guy is so cool. I want to be him when I grow up.”
“Uh,” I said to Morgan. “I have to go.”
“When you get back, I am never letting you out again, do you hear me?” he said. “A cult. Sam, only you would stumble upon a cult.”
“You say that like it’s insulting.”
“It’s certainly not a compliment.”
“Well, if it makes you feel better, they’ve gotten me over Firework Corn. I never want to see corn ever again.”
“Sam.”
“Yeah.”
“Stay safe.” And the crystal went dark.
“Gods,” I muttered. “I can’t even get the exit line. I don’t get the guy, my clothes don’t billow when I crest hills, I don’t even get the last word. What the fuck.”
I thought about taking a stand right then and there. I didn’t want to hurt any of them (except for maybe Eloise; I wanted to beat her in the face with corn) because they were under whatever “truth” they’d been fed that day. I didn’t want to underestimate her either. After all, she’d built an entire cult up in fifty-some-odd days, and that takes real dedication. That and the fact that she was probably batshit crazy. I was also still pissed off at her that she’d made me eat her hair. That shit is not hygienic.
So I did the only thing I could think of.
I ran the opposite direction.
CHAPTER 24
Upon These Stars
THEY MUST have heard me running gracefully (read: not gracefully at all), because when I rounded the corner to the keep, Ryan, Gary, and Tiggy were already moving forward. Ryan had his sword drawn again, and Gary and Tiggy looked ready to lay down some righteous fury.
“What the hell is happening?” Ryan demanded.
And yeah. Apparently working out should become part of my regimen because I was seriously out of breath. I held up a finger at them as I bent over, trying to catch my breath.
“Sam,” Gary said.
Gods, didn’t he understand the point of the finger?
I glared at him.
He rolled his eyes.
“He breathes a lot through his mouth,” Justin said, sounding disgusted. “I’ve noticed that.”
I wanted to tell him that I was going to shove some magic up his ass, but I couldn’t quite yet make the words come out.
“Why are you noticing his mouth?” Gary asked sweetly. “Aren’t you getting enough at home?”
Ryan scowled like a champ. I couldn’t even begin to guess who that scowl was meant for.
“Tiggy gonna smash some things,” Tiggy said. “Tiggy angry.”
“No, Tiggy,” Gary said. “Not things. You want to smash princes.”
Tiggy turned toward Justin, who had the decency to take a step back.
“Cult,” I finally managed to say. “Coming… to murder… our faces.”
“Well shit,” Gary said. “I told you we should have killed them all. But Knight Sanctimonious Face over there was all, like, ‘No, we can’t. We’re good and our hearts are pure and we must spare lives and watch as I pose with everything I do.’”
“I did not say that,” Ryan said. “And I don’t pose.”
I gulped up another breath. “You’re posing… right now.”
And he was, standing there, sword drawn, shoulders squared, chin held high, eyes on the horizon. And gods, he looked so fucking hot doing so. Like a douche, yes. But a hot douche.
“I told you we should have killed them,” Gary said.
“We can’t just kill people,” Ryan said.
“They were holding us prisoner.”
“That doesn’t make it right. Killing people never does.”
“Oh?” Gary asked. “What about Moishe?”
“I’ll kill him,” Ryan snarled. Then, “Uh. I mean. No way. What. Who?”
“Do I even want to know?” Justin asked, edging away from Tiggy, who was frowning at him.
“Elven whore,” Gary said. “Works for Sam’s fairy drag mother. Long story.”
“Funny,” Justin said. “You all seem to have a lot of those now.”
“I’ve got your long story right here,” Kevin said, curling his tail around Gary’s legs.
“Dude,” I said. “So not cool. Like, at all.”
“Hush,” Gary said, leaning into the dragon. “I think it’s endearing.”
“You’ve known him for two hours. He can’t yet be endearing.”
“It’s endearing,” Gary insisted as Kevin’s tail started to rub against his own. “And maybe slightly invasive.”
“You’re not getting to third base with my best friend while I’m watching,” I told Kevin.
“Why not, pretty?” Kevin purred. “The more the merrier, I always say. We can just go back into the keep and drink some wine and take off our clothes and just go for it, you know? Just do it. It’s just our bodies. Everyone’s got one. Sweaty, naked bodies that—”
“I am so uncomfortable right now,” Ryan said.
“Guys,” I said. “Cult. Coming to murder our faces. Priorities.”
“Why don’t you just use your magic?” Justin asked. “It shouldn’t be that hard.”
“Ungh,” Ryan said.
“It’s harder than you think,” Gary said, wide-eyed and innocent.
Justin grimaced at Ryan. “Did you just drool? Seriously, Ryan. I can’t take you anywhere. What the hell?”
“What?” Ryan said, wiping his mouth. “No. Of course not. That’d be weird.” His eyes were still glazed over as he looked down at my hands as if he expected me to cast a spell right in front of him. Instead, I was focusing on not getting an erection because apparently I had a kink for Ryan’s kink for my magic.
“I didn’t come this far to get murdered by a cult,” Justin said.
“Wow,” Gary said. “I didn’t think you went far at all. I thought we were the ones that did all the work to rescue you. Funny, that.”
“You’re kind of a bitch, aren’t you?” Justin said.
“What did you call me? Oh, Gary’s gonna bring the pain—”
“Shut up,” I snapped. “All of you. For fuck’s sake.”
Surprisingly, they all shut up.
“Wow,” I said. “I didn’t think that was going to work. Huh. I must be intimidating.”
“Like a butterfly,” Gary said.
I ignored him. “Kevin’s going to stop them.”
They all slowly turned to the dragon, who looked like he was trying to slip his nose under Gary’s tail. “Er,” he said. “What now?”
“You’re a god to them, dude,” I explained. “They built a cult around you. They’ll listen to you. Tell them to fuck off so we can get the hell out of here.”
“What’s in it for me?”
“Gary,” I said.
“I’ll do it,” he said promptly.
“Wait,” Gary said. “What?”
I rolled my eyes. “Like he’s going to not go with us now. You know he’s going to follow us home.”
“We’re in love,” Kevin announced quite loudly.
“No,” Gary said. “We’re in lust. There is a difference.”
“It’s love,” Kevin said. “You make me burn. Without you, I am nothing. I want to fellate you until you cry.”
Gary stared at him. “I might have gotten in over my head.”
“I shall protect you, my love,” Kevin said, pulling himse
lf up to his full height. “You are the most important thing in the world to me, and since we will not be having an orgy with all your friends—wait. What was that?”
“I didn’t say anything,” Gary said.
“No?” Kevin said. “I swore I just heard you say you wanted to have an orgy with all your friends.”
“I didn’t say that.”
“You sure?”
“Positive.”
“Oh. Well, as I was saying. Since we will not be having an orgy… right? Anyone. No one. Seriously? Not a single one of you? Ugh. Fine. Since there will be no orgy, I shall instead defend your honor. Because you’re my one and only.”
“I don’t believe you so much anymore,” Gary said. “Because of the orgy.”
“You have to act godlike,” I said. “Make it believable. Really sell it.”
Kevin cocked his head at me. “So, like I normally act?”
“What? No! The exact opposite of how you normally act. The furthest thing from how you normally act. Don’t even act like you normally do and you’ll be closer than you are right now.”
“Got it,” Kevin said. “Act like normal. Because I’m a god. Should I do an accent? That’s normal. Normal people have accents. Thees ees yer god spakin. Bow down ter meh.”
“We’re doomed,” I moaned.
“We really should do something about your pessimism,” Gary said. “Have a little faith, huh? I mean, just look at us.”
I looked at them. A hornless gay unicorn built out of rainbows and bitchiness. A half-giant who wanted to smash everything. A dragon who winked and flicked his tongue at me. A prince who I wanted to protect but also punch in the face. A knight I had a heart boner for.
“We’re doomed,” I moaned again. “Doooomed.”
“Dragon,” Gary said.
“Yes, light of my life?”
“I don’t want to die today. Nor do I want any of my friends to die today. And by friends, I mean Sam and Tiggy.”
“Hey,” Ryan said, sounding put out. “I thought we were friends.”
Gary turned to look at him with narrowed eyes. It was rather frightening. “You thought that, huh?”
“Gary,” I said.
“Fine,” he growled. “Justin and Ryan can’t die either. But they’re not my friends. Especially Justin. But mostly Ryan.”
“Ow,” Justin said flatly. “My heart.”
Ryan actually looked hurt by it.
“I shall protect you all,” Kevin said, puffing out his chest and raising his head. His eyes flashed and a lick of fire rolled out of his nose. “And then we should talk about that orgy.”
So we stood in a line, our backs to the keep, waiting for Eloise and the creepy people of Tarker Mills to descend upon us. Somehow, Ryan ended up next to me and kept trying to inch his way in front of me.
“What are you doing?” I whispered.
“Nothing,” he said and then tried to shove me behind him.
“Are you trying to protect me?” I asked, starting to get slightly pissed. “Dude. Knock it off. You’re not my knight in shining armor. You’re a dick in dented tin.”
His jaw clenched. “Might as well be,” he said. “After all, I’m your cornerstone. It’s what I’m supposed to do.”
Oh, that motherfucker. “You do not get to say that,” I hissed at him. “You’re not my anything. And I don’t need you to protect me. I’ve been doing just fine without you and will continue to do so long into the future. Go be dashing and immaculate somewhere else.”
“Get down with your bad self,” Gary muttered. “We don’t need no mens.”
“Tiggy and Gary and Sam don’t need no mens,” Tiggy agreed.
“Maybe,” Ryan said, “if you’d been honest with me, we wouldn’t even be in this position in the first place!”
“Are you two seriously having this argument right now?” Justin asked.
I ignored him as I glared at the back of Ryan’s head. “Bullshit,” I said. “We’re here because a dragon kidnapped your fiancé. Who you swore an oath to.”
“I would like to be kept out of this,” Kevin said. “I feel like there’s a lot of misplaced anger going around. Bow down ter yer god, hoominz.”
“The oath has nothing to do with you,” Ryan said through gritted teeth.
“Just as anything having to do with a cornerstone has nothing to do with you,” I said and he recoiled. I had the sense to feel slightly bad at the wounded look on his face. It didn’t matter, though. I was pissed.
But before Ryan could retort with whatever was going on in that stupid head of his, Eloise and the cult rounded the final corner to the keep. Their eyes widened when they saw Kevin sitting regally next to us, tail and wings twitching.
“He… is… glorious,” Eloise breathed.
I wished I could say the same for her, but she looked worse for wear. Her hair was a mess around her face, and I thought she was missing a tooth or two, which went well with the shiner she was sporting on her right eye and a bruise on her cheek suspiciously shaped like a hoofprint.
“Dude,” I said reverently, not even trying to keep my voice down. “Did you kick her in the face?”
Gary preened. “That I did.”
“I love you,” I told him. “Seriously. I am in awe of you.”
“I punched seventeen people,” Tiggy said.
“And you’re my favorite giant ever,” I said. “They will tell stories of your bravery.”
“I punched and kicked people too,” Ryan said.
I ignored him.
“Awkward,” Gary whispered to Tiggy.
“You’re alive?” Eloise asked as she glared at me. “How is that possible?”
“Do god stuff,” I muttered, elbowing Kevin. “Be all godly.”
Kevin took a step forward, his claws digging into the earth. The crowd in front of us said, “Ooooh.”
When he spoke, his voice was deep and rumbly. He sounded ridiculous. “You approacheth my keepeth, mere mortals. What sayeth you for spaketh to me? Eth.”
“Oh my gods,” I said. “Dude. Come on. You had one job.”
“Forgive us, our lord dragon,” Eloise said, curtsying deeply. “We are truly blessed to be in your presence. You humble us by allowing our audience. You are truly a creature of magnificence and beauty.”
“Heh,” Kevin said. “Wicked.”
“My lord dragon, if I may,” Eloise said, eyeing me again. “Why do you harbor the sacrifice? Was the wizard not up to your obviously high standards? I would’ve assumed you’d have eaten him by now.”
“Hey,” I said, offended. “I am, like, the highest of standards.”
“Whatever helps you sleep at night,” Justin said under his breath.
“Hmm?” Kevin said. “Oh. Well. I was… saving him. For. A snack. Later. I have irritable bowel syndrome and he looks to be a bit… stringy.”
“Stringy? You listen here, motherfucker. I’ll cut you—”
“And loud,” Kevin said. “But those lips. I was waiting, I guess.”
Eloise’s eyes widened. “You wished to have us here to witness the sacrifice? Oh, my lord. What an honor.” She turned back to her people and clapped her hands together giddily. “The great and venerable dragon god is going to eat the wizard right in front of us!”
“What?” Kevin said.
“What?” I said.
Ryan tensed and tried to push me behind him again. This did not go unnoticed by Justin, who scowled at us.
“He’s not going to eat him,” Ryan snapped.
“I’m not going to eat him,” Kevin said.
“Why?” Eloise asked. Then she frowned. “Unless… you’re… not the god we thought you were.”
“What?” Kevin said. “Shut up. I am totally a god. So godlike. God of Dragons, they call me. Beast from the East. They all say so.”
“Who calls you that?” Gary asked curiously.
“You know,” Kevin said. “Them.”
“Well,” Eloise said. “If you truly are a god,
then you should eat the wizard. We are your loyal subjects and we have provided a sacrifice for you.”
“Um,” Kevin said.
“Don’t you dare eat my best friend,” Gary said. “You’ll never know the pleasures of my supple body if you do.”
“Supple, you say?” Kevin asked, his voice a purr.
Eloise grimaced. “Are you really going to listen to this… this blasphemous creature?”
“Honey,” Gary said, “the only thing that’s blasphemous up in here right now is your hair. That shit be tragic.”
“Boom,” Tiggy said and fist/hoof-bumped Gary.
“Dragon,” Eloise snarled. “I command you to eat the wizard.”
And that’s when things screeched to a halt.
Kevin tensed dangerously, spikes along his back quivering.
“Oh, bitch, you gone and done it now,” Gary muttered.
“What did you say?” Kevin asked, voice suddenly more dangerous than I’d ever heard it. He moved then, curling himself almost like a snake, his tail wrapping around all of us. “You command me? A human?”
“If you are truly our god,” she said, “you will rejoice in our sacrifice to you.”
His eyes narrowed. “No one commands me. Least of all you.”
Something flickered in her eyes, almost like fear. The crowd behind her took a step back away from Eloise.
“Dragon,” she tried.
“Tell me,” Kevin growled. “Do you often make demands of your gods? Is that what you think they’re there for? For humans like you to lay your burdens upon them, to do as you ask, and if they don’t, you doubt them? Tell me, woman. Is that what you are asking? Of a god?”
Her eyes turned to slits, mouth a thin line. She straightened her shoulders. Her hands tightened around the handle of the axe she carried. She opened her mouth to undoubtedly give the order to attack, for the people behind her could not disobey an order to sacrifice themselves for her.
But she didn’t get a single word out as the dragon struck quickly, neck stretching, jaws snapping closed. Eloise didn’t even have a chance to make any sound as his neck worked when he swallowed her down. All that remained was the axe on the ground, the handle resting between her feet that jetted twin sprays of blood where they’d been severed at the ankles.