“No! I said you can meet him when I meet the real you and not a moment before. Anyway, he won’t be here for the next four weeks because Jack and Minnie are taking him on a vacation,” she says, rolling her eyes with a shake of her head.
Dad chuckles and coughs, and Mom looks anywhere but at me.
“She’s right. You’re my son, and I love you, but you’re not exactly hitting for base right now. The kid is impressionable. He needs a father not a wingman.”
Ouch.
“Fine, fine, I get it. You all think I’m not a safe bet.” I grouch, feeling betrayed and not a little put out that they all have so little faith in me.
Nic sighs and retakes her seat beside me, her hand landing on mine with a squeeze.
“That’s not it, Law. I’m just not sure that meeting Cody now is a good idea. The old you would have taken him for burgers before you went to the rink and shot a few practices. This guy, the suave, footloose guy you are now…Cody won’t respond well to someone who he can tell isn’t all that interested in him.”
Mom is nodding her head vigorously, an indulgent smile creasing her face.
“The boy is exceptionally intelligent. Why, he even showed me how to prune the roses in the greenhouse for maximum growth.”
I want to be interested, really I do, but I don’t give a shit about Mom’s roses, and she knows it. However, my lack of answer also furthers the impression that I’m not interested in the kid, and when I see Nic frown, it just pisses me off even more.
“Uh, I need to get to the office.”
I practically run out of the house before anyone can say another word to me, or more importantly, before I can say something that I won’t only regret but that I’m pretty sure Nic won’t let me come back from.
Dammit! Why couldn’t she just wait for me?! I would have given her as many kids as she wants…why couldn’t she wait?
Chapter Seventeen
Nico
Things aren’t going the way I wanted them to, and that not only makes me mad, but I am officially floating into fear territory.
He’s avoiding me, and the freaking barbecue is tomorrow. So what should I do? I’ve been vacillating between calling Jack and just letting him take care of things or calling everyone who’d been invited and just cancelling.
I won’t do it! I need Law to reconnect with these men and their families. I keep having this thought that if he just sees those guys…maybe he’d remembered the good times and the sense of belonging.
Law always thrived on that, knowing that he was part of something, that he belonged and that his friends counted on him and trusted him to have their backs.
It was only after he got injured that things started falling apart and the douche appeared. I saw it. Hell, I should have seen it sooner when I called and he wouldn’t answer, or his attitude the few times I just dropped by when my texts or calls didn’t get a response.
It had hurt, but I’d put it all down to him being bummed about stuff. I should have known that—even then—he was starting to withdraw. One time I’d shown up at his place and—after knocking for twenty minutes—I’d finally just slumped against the door and sat in the corridor, waiting.
It had been the middle of winter and so freezing that my legs were numb in less than an hour. I’d been so determined to see him after almost a week of nothing that I’d dragged myself there after a long day of work.
My biggest surprise was not seeing him stumbling drunkenly towards his door, because part of me had thought, or hoped, that he’d just been out getting hammered with his friends.
No, the surprise was when his door had opened from the inside, and I’d tumbled back, cracking my head on his hardwood floor and staring up at him.
He’d been pissed that I caught him, that I knew he purposefully ignored my knocking, and after helping me up—only to get me out of the way of the door—he’d closed and locked his apartment and wandered off.
When he showed up at my apartment two hours later, drunk and lusty, I’d let him in and done the most shameful thing, I’d slept with him, knowing that I was throwing away every scrap of pride I had.
But that’s not the point! The point is that he’d changed even then, and after ten years of that shit, I am starting to lose hope and suspect that the man I loved is long gone and dead, buried beneath a pile of meaningless sex and partying.
And I do not want this new guy who doesn’t give a damn because, dammit, I loved the old one!
“You look like you’re about to kill someone.”
I look up in surprise and can’t stop a shriek and giggle when Leo Barns, goalie extraordinaire and one of Law’s best friends back in the day strolls in.
The man is a walking ad for wet panties everywhere with those brown eyes and hair as black as midnight. Not even a chipped front tooth detracts from his appeal.
“God, you look great!” I yell, throwing myself at him for a hug and a very friendly kiss that he manages to plant on my mouth before I can deflect.
“And you look like you belong in my fantasies, not some stuffy office,” he growls back, making me giggle anew as I push away and point at the sitting area behind him.
“Sit. I wanna know everything. You want a drink?”
“Water. Please.”
I grab us both a bottle and curl up on the seat across his, shaking my head with a smile when he leans back, stretching his arms across the back and regarding me with heated, amused eyes.
“So he’s back, huh?”
Lord.
“Yup. Jack took early retirement after Minnie threatened to walk if he didn’t slow down and consider his health. Law came back before the board could make a move.”
Leo grimaces, and I can see his annoyance when he bites at his top lip, a habit he had even way back when.
“Is he still as big an asshole as when he left, because if he is, I owe him a good beating for what he did to you, Nico!” he says with a growl, and I wince, thinking of how pissed Leo and Brody were that day.
At one point I’d literally had to jump on Leo to keep him from going out to find Law, and even then, the only reason he didn’t was because I’d begged him not to humiliate me anymore.
“No. Yes. I don’t know, Leo,” I admit, blowing out a hard breath. “He’s not the old Law, but…I don’t know this guy well enough to say what he is. I can tell you that I won’t be mentioning Cody again till…if…he ever wises up.”
Leo nods. As Brody’s friend, Leo knew that I had a baby, and while we’ve never discussed it, the man isn’t blind. I’m sure he knows that Brody wasn’t the father—well, that and the fact that Brody wasn’t into me that way.
The fact that Leo never said a word is one of the very many reasons that I still love the guy, even after not seeing or hearing from him in three years.
“Can’t blame ya. I wouldn’t want my kid knowing the asshole who would hurt his mom the way he hurt you. So…this barbecue?”
“Minnie set it up. We thought if all of the old friends got together, maybe he’d—”
“Get back that loving feeling?” he laughs, shaking his head. “You and I both know that bastard won’t do a thing unless he wants to, and from what I heard, Jack and Min took your boy on vacay. Law probably won’t answer that goddamned door tomorrow.”
Probably not. Unless I’m there to open the sucker for him.
“Nico, don’t take this the wrong way, babe, but are you sure that you and Law working together is a good idea? The guy…oh hell no! Please tell me you haven’t made shit that easy for him.”
I’m wincing and scrunching my face with every word because I know that he already knows that I went and gave the milk away for free, while the cows were still standing on the auction block.
“Goddamn woman! If I knew you were that easy, I would have made a play for your fine ass years ago.”
All I can do is snort because as far as I can tell, Leo is still one of the biggest man whores alive, and that badge is worn proudly. It also doesn’t escape my
notice that he’s calling me easy.
“Thanks asshole, and here I thought I liked you.”
“You love me, and you know it. But seriously, Nico, what the fuck? The guy publicly humiliated you. It was so bad that even my balls shrank, and I didn’t know those bastards could do that with their size. He doesn’t deserve you,” he says and snarls, swiping a hand through his hair.
“I know, but…”
His face softens, and he shakes his head in resignation.
“He’s it for you, huh?”
“Possibly. Probably. I don’t know. All I know is that I married one man to have a father for my child, while the man I loved systematically screwed his way through Europe and a good chunk of northern China. I shouldn’t still carry a torch for him.”
Not even a little tiny, itsy-bitsy flicker of a flame. And yet I still want him like I’ve never wanted another. What that says about me isn’t even worth inspecting if I want to maintain a shred of dignity or self-respect, so I just don’t look too deep.
“He’s gonna hurt you again, and this time Bro isn’t here to pick up the pieces. Does he know that you married Brody?” Leo suddenly asks, his eyes narrowing.
“I told him I married a Brody, but I don’t think he knows that I married the Brody,” I admit.
Partly because I wanted to keep the illusion of my marriage being a happy blissful thing instead of the farce it was. Everyone and their mother on the hockey team knew he was gay. Well, everyone except his mother and father that is.
If Law ever found out, he’d know everything, and then I’d be in a boatload of trouble. If all that comes out of this is that Law becomes that man I miss and becomes a good father to our child, then I’ll be satisfied. Not happy since I kinda figure he won’t want me after everything, but I’ll be satisfied with that at least.
It beats the alternative, which is not having Law in Cody’s life at all.
“If he finds out—”
“If I find out what?”
I almost scream when Law comes strolling in, his hands buried in his pants pockets, his face smoothed into that damnable suave expression. Leo, the idiot, just smirks at me and turns to glare at Law.
“Nico just agreed to have dinner with me tonight before we all have to show up on your doorstep tomorrow. It’s her way of making shit up to me.”
His expression never changes, but I know Law…inside he’s seething. (Yeah, I see that jaw tic.) Leo doesn’t help any when he ambles over and plants a peck on my lips.
“Be ready by seven, babe.”
“She’s working late.”
Leo just grins at those snarled words and throws me a wink over Law’s shoulder as he makes for the door.
“She needs to eat. Be ready, beautiful. We’re going to O’Grady’s. Remember the ribs? Still the best in the state.”
I just barely stop myself from laughing when he strolls out, leaving me alone with Law and his grinding teeth.
“You’re not going out with him.”
Oh no! Really?
“Uh, yeah, I so totally am,” I respond, tossing my water in favor for a cup of coffee, anything strong enough to get my mind off his douche-baggery.
Law follows and perches himself on my desk, as I get seated and pull a folder closer, needing to do something with my hands so I don’t slap his face silly.
“Nic, be reasonable, the man is a hound dog.”
The statement is so…
“Stop laughing, dammit!”
It’s then that I realize that instead of laughing in my head, I’m putting on a show with a full belly laugh, with streaming eyes and cramping muscles.
It takes a few seconds, but I eventually manage to calm down and wipe my eyes with only a few hiccups.
“Hello pot. Don’t blacken that kettle too much, buddy. Your record is just as besmirched. And Leo isn’t into me that way,” I say, crossing my fingers behind my back.
Leo is hot, has a great personality, and even makes me laugh. If the world were a fair and tolerable place, I would so go for a guy like Leo. We’ve been friends for years, and it wouldn’t take much from me to change the status quo to something a little more personal.
Buuuuut, I’m still way too hung up on Law to even consider letting another man into my bed. If I can go ten years without hitting it, I’m pretty sure that it’s an indication that I’m a one-man woman, and unfortunately for me, that asshole seems to be Lawson James.
“He’d have to be blind or dead not to be into you that way, babe, so let’s not start talking shit,” Law grumbles, picking at the odds and ends decorating my desk.
I snort and keep pretending to read, though I’m acutely aware of every breath he’s taking.
“No photos.”
“Huh?”
“You don’t have any photos of your husband or kid in here. It’s weird.”
I hum non-committedly and pretend to be engrossed. What can I say? Oh, by the way I removed all my family photos the moment I knew you were coming back because I didn’t want you to see my dead husband…who used to be your friend and was very homosexual, and the photos of Cody would have been a flat-out confession the minute you saw his smiling face.
“Please do not go out with Leo. He’ll try to get in your pants.”
“Uh, let’s get one thing straight here. Leo and I are friends. If I want to go out and have dinner with him, I will. There’s nothing else to it. Oh and by the way, you better be ready for that goddamned barbecue tomorrow, or I’m calling your mom.”
Chapter Eighteen
Law
I’m in hell, and the worst part is that I fucking love it. Everywhere I turn I see someone from my past, someone who was a friend, a confidante, family.
I’ve missed all these guys so much over the years, the ache of it going so deep that it had been three years of self-banishment before I’d been able to watch a hockey game without tearing up like a freaking baby.
And here they all are.
Leo off to the side, hitting on Mosley’s sister. (Horny son of a bitch.) Mosley running around after his one-year-old son while his wife stood off to the side laughing.
Connors and his girlfriend, Bronwyn I think her name is, off to my side while I man the grill and pretend to know what the hell I’m doing.
The place is full of people I once loved, and I hate it as much as I love it.
“Yo man, you look like you’re chewing nails over here. Move over while I get this meat cooked before we all have to go home hungry,” Pollock says and grunts, giving me a shove.
“Asshole.”
“Fool,” he counters, wielding the tongs like a pro.
The man is a first line defender and built like a brick shit house. Manning the grill while wearing my mom’s pink apron should have made him look like a girl, instead the bastard looked manlier—if that was even possible.
Asshole.
“So what you moping about over here, pretty boy?” Mosley asks, his light brown skin making his white teeth stand out in stark contrast.
I hate that the guy looks this good—even at his age—while I’m stuck in a suit, pushing paper and aging by the day.
“Nothing. I’m not moping, you dick. Turn that burger before it burns,” I growl, taking another long pull of my beer.
The sounds of laughter and children’s squeals echo around us, and I feel a twinge of longing and loneliness all at once. Nic and Cody should be here with me, my family, but instead I’m standing alone because I was too much of a dick to say the right thing.
I’m a coward and an idiot, and so many other things I can’t even begin to think about it while in public lest I make an ass of myself. But as the families and friends around me laugh and talk, I feel that ache deeper than anything I’ve ever known, and I know that my life will never be complete without her.
“She was a real mess when you left,” Mosley finally says after long minutes of silent introspection.
I don’t pretend not to know whom he’s talking about and regard him s
ilently, feeling worse than ever.
“I was an asshole.”
Mosley shakes his head and claps a hand to my shoulder, squeezing hard.
“You were drunk and angry about the rough deal you got, and you took it out on the wrong person.”
“That’s no excuse, man. I treated her worse than a dog, and I humiliated her. Jesus, the things I said at that party were terrible. When I finally sobered up, I was so ashamed I couldn’t face a living soul.”
“So you ran.”
Yeah, and a lot of good that did me. I should have known that skipping out wouldn’t solve the problems I had, and that Nic had never been one of them. No, my problems were all in my head and on me, and I’d been a fool thinking I could outrun them.
It took a long time and a lot of distraction before I could bring myself to feel anything other than shame, but eventually the numbness of booze, women, and sometimes thrill seeking had done its job.
I’d turned myself into the person I thought could help me escape myself, and I’d reveled in every minute. Don’t get me wrong; I enjoyed it all. The freedom to do what I wanted at any given time was intoxicating, and I’d milked it for all it was worth.
I’d done it all and loved it. Cave diving, rock climbing, you name the extreme sport, I did them all, always chasing that next thrill. Odds are that if dad hadn’t called and convinced me to come home, I would still be out there chasing more.
I’m a dick and a self-proclaimed asshole, and I admit it. Most days I wear it with pride, but the one thing I will never be able to excuse or explain away is what I did to the girl I loved.
Do I love Nic now? I can’t honestly say. That ship sailed ten years ago, and what I felt as that young man is gone and done, but I can tell you that I have never felt anything near as close for another woman as I felt for her.
And God, I want her. I crave her with every drop of blood and bone in my body. I want to own her, possess her, rule her, and take everything she has to give.
Do I have anything much to offer her? Not really, since I’ve long since accepted that I’m broken in a fundamental way that has nothing to do with her or my parents or anything else but me and my own twisted psyche.
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